Chapter Six

Switching places

A groovy note from the Hippie Mermaid: First of all, I am so sorry – I know this chapter has taken forever to arrive! I've just been unbelievably busy! Thank you so much for you patience and all your lovely reviews! I hope this chapter is okay – it was kinda rushed believe it or not, I only began thinking about what to write in it today! Enjoy! And thanks for your suggestions!

"Neil! You complete bastard! I hate you!"

Rick screamed abuse at Neil's unconscious form as Vyv proceeded to angrily tear out of the room, kicking and punching holes in the walls along the way.

On the floor below, Rick heard Vyv's voice cry, "This is it – goodbye cruel world!" He raced downstairs, making it just in time to see Vyv standing in the kitchen and holding a carving knife to his wrist.

"VYV! Noooooo!" cried Rick as he leapt in Vyv's direction and grabbed the knife's handle.

Vyv fought with Rick for possession of the knife as both men gripped the handle.

"Give it back! I don't want to live if I'm gonna be trapped in your body! It's not worth it! Living with you was bad enough!" Vyv yelled.

"There's a way out of this!"

"What? Making peace with you? I'd rather stick needles in my eyes and set my hair on fire!"

"You already did that. Last Christmas, remember?"

"Great days," sighed Vyv.

"Vyvyan, please! If you kill yourself, you will really be killing me! You're in my body, remember?" Rick pleaded with Vyv in frantic fear.

Vyv paused, momentarily contemplating this. An excited smile then spread upon his face. "All the more reason to do this, then!" he replied, forcing the pointed end of the knife towards his wrist.

Rick let go of the knife with one hand and used it to pick up a mallet that was lying upon the kitchen table behind him, while keeping his grip on the knife with the other hand. He then swung the mallet around and knocked Vyv over the head with the heavy object. Rick watched his own body stumble backwards and release its grip on the knife, holding its head in pain.

As one could easily have predicted, an extremely violent fight followed, involving broken bones, sprays of blood, head injuries, removed eyeballs, permanent disfigurement, permanent brain damage and permanent damage done to internal organs, not to mention the fact that half the house was destroyed in the process. Eventually the two men realised that this was getting them nowhere and Vyv discovered that both bodies may very well be immortal, so that eliminated the suicide option.

"What should we do?" Vyv asked Rick.

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Like Neil said, we have to live each other's lives and act as one another, so as not to confuse anyone. We need to pretend everything is normal." Rick paced around the room as he thought, rubbing his hands together almost excitedly. "So our task currently is to go about today as we usually would have, only as one another. Today you will pretend to be me and live today as I had planned."

"And that involves...?"

"A sociology lecture, followed by a Friends of Stalin Society meeting, followed by a Cliff Richard fan club meeting and lastly, an Anarchist's Society meeting."

Vyv fell to the floor and buried his face in his hands, trying to suppress all the grief that Rick's words caused him. "Could this get any worse?"

"Vyvyan, I'll have you know I had a very exciting day ahead of me before this whole fiasco!" scolded Rick. "I'm envious that you get to go and do all these thrilling activities! You're a very lucky young man!"

Vyv simply rolled his eyes in response, and Rick went on to inquire, "Well, what did your day consist of?"

"Going to the pub, hanging out with mates, getting drunk and beating up a few unfortunates."

Rick sneered. "Disgusting! You really a little commoner, aren't you? It's people like you that make Britain the hellhole it is today." A look of nobility then came over his face as he stood with his fist to his chest and looking toward the ceiling. "But I suppose what must be done must be done. I will go about this day you planned with vim and vigor, and perform a flawless impression of you."

Vyv laughed. "I'd like to see you try, mate! You can't even hold down a glass of cider, you little wimp!"

"Just because I live on a higher plane than you is no reason to get abusive, Vyvyan." He tried to make a fearsome, angry face, but it ended up looking more ridiculous than anything, with eyes popping out and pouted lips. He then clapped his hands together and walked off. "Now come along, we can't stand around here all day."

Vyv let out a long, deep sigh and followed.

Both men proceeded to get ready for the day, cleaning up in the bathroom and getting dressed. When Rick had finished dressing, he looked into the mirror. When he saw the nightmare of ugliness that was Vyvyan staring back at him instead of the handsome face he had come to expect, he collapsed into a heap of tears on the floor.

"Oh God! I'm trapped in the body in some strange man! This isn't right! This isn't really me! I need to be released!"

Mike overheard Rick's hollers of anguish from the drawing room, where he was reading the newspaper contently. He had only recently woken up (oddly enough, considering all the noise that had been made) and was unaware of the transformation Rick and Vyv had undertaken. He called back, "Now, it's okay, Rick. There are many other men out there like you. And there is something you can do about it. Just get a sex change."

"What? I don't wanna a sex change!"

"C'mon Rick, just admit it. The dresses in your wardrobe, the fact you're a virgin, your abnormal obsession with Cliff Richard… It's all too obvious."

"Mike, you don't understand! I'm trapped in Vyvyan's body!" Rick told his housemate as he entered the room to reveal his new form.

Mike immediately stood up from his seat on the couch and dropped the newspaper in shock. He removed his sunglasses and blinked, rubbing his eyes.

"B-but… How…?" he stuttered, lost for words.

"Neil played some little voodoo trick on Vyvyan and I, and now we've switched bodies," Rick explained, an expression of contempt crossing his face.

"Oh, I see. Neil's been practicing hippie voodoo again," Mike said understandably, nodding. "He summoned the god of cleanliness last week to save him from doing the housework."

"Lazy pig!" scorned Rick, hands on hips.

There was a long pause before it suddenly occurred to Rick what Mike had said before regarding his sexuality. He shuffled toward Mike, twiddling his fingers together. "So Mike, you think I'm queer?" he asked hesitantly.

"You mean you're straight?" Mike exclaimed, shocked.

Rick was flabbergasted. "Yes, of course I'm straight! I'm obsessed with girls!"

"Oh. I always just assumed you were gay."

"Why would you think that?" Rick looked at Mike as if he were mad.

"Well, to be honest, your behaviour sometimes is a bit… well, poofy."

Rick was then struck with an amazing realization. "My God! That's it! That's why I never get any girls – because they think I'm gay! Yes, it all makes perfect sense now! I mean, I'm so amazingly attractive, how would they be able to resist me otherwise?" The spotty young adult jumped about the place, thrilled there was now a specific reason for his lack of girl fun. "That's why they always run in the opposite direction whenever I approach them!"

"Yes, that along with the fact that you're an ugly, obnoxious prick," Vyv's voice behind him slurred as he entered the room.

Rick turned around to see, to his absolute horror, that his body was dressed like a punk's. His hair had been gelled into a mohawk and he wore an outfit consisting of denim accented with studs, chains and slogans. There was a studded belt around his hips and doc martens on his feet, along with a few punk-style accessories. Rick was outraged when he saw that Vyv had given him some new piercings!

"What on earth have you done to my body?" Rick demanded.

Vyv shrugged light-heartedly. "I thought I'd just update your look. What? Don't you like it?"

"It's disgusting! Anyway, it's MY body!"

"I don't care whose body I'm in, I refuse to walk around in those poncy clothes you always wear!" protested Vyv. "Anyway, you can't talk, look at what you're dressing my body in!"

Vyv gestured to Rick, who was wearing a pair of yellow dungarees emblazoned with a number of political badges. The nose ring and silvers stars on his forehead were gone, and his hair had been combed down and returned to its natural shade of blonde.

"What? This is the height of fashion, young man! At least you look vaguely presentable now."

"I think I'm gonna be violently and copiously sick!" Vyv exclaimed, turning away and vomiting on the drawing room floor.