Chapter 5: The Boyfriend
Story of A Girl
"Del, wake up, Del" I heard the worry in my brothers voice. I felt my eyes flutter open and I automatically squinted to adjust to the light. I saw my brother, my mother, Tyler, and Tyler's father leaning over me.
"What happened?" Caleb helped me sit up. I was laying on the kitchen floor.
"You passed out. Jeez Del, have you eaten lately?" My brother said as he grabbed a hold of my arms and helped me stand up.
"Shut up, I eat enough" I snapped back. "Can someone please answer me this. Why the hell is Tyler's dad fucking my mother?"
"ADELE!" I head my mother gasp out in shock. I felt Caleb's glare and I could see that Mr. Simms was snickering. Tyler just sort of sat back, fading somewhere in the background.
"Get up in your room now!" My mother demanded. "I'll have your brother bring up dinner, but don't you dare think you'll be going anywhere anytime soon. Now apologize to Mr. Simms."
"I'm sorry that you're fucking my married mother." I spat out and ran up to my room.
Why was she doing this? How could she do this to my dad?! And with Mr. Simms of all people! He was a part of the Covenant as well, one of my dad's best friends. The nerve that bastard has!
Sure my father had his own problems, but he was still a human being for crying out loud. He still had feelings, and although he's physically aging, it doesn't mean he's still the same age mentally. If he found out about this, it would definitely be the end of my father. And although he can't even walk anymore, or leave Gorman's house for that matter, he's still my father and I still love him very much. The last thing I want to see is my father hurt.
I was pacing around my room, occasionally throwing a hairbrush against the wall, just to let everyone downstairs know how truly pissed off I was. A few minutes went by and I heard a knock on my door. I opened it to see Tyler standing there, with a bowl of soup.
"You're brother thought I should be the one to give you this." He said quietly, not looking me in the eyes. I opened the door fully and he came in. He set the tray on my desk and was about to leave when I decided that now would probably be a good time to apologize. It was convenient.
"I'm sorry." I wanted to say more, really I did, but I just didn't know where to start. It's weird how one night I can pour everything out to him and the next I can't.
"I'm sure you are." His tone was sarcastic. He was about to close the door when I stopped him again.
"I really am sorry. You didn't deserve that. But I really need someone to talk to right now." It's true, Ashleigh was pissed off at me and she was the only one that seemed to care nowadays, I couldn't talk to my mom because she was obviously busy, and Caleb and I were complete opposites. He wouldn't understand.
"So what am I supposed to say? Don't worry about it? Oh, it's okay? I know, let's be best friends!" He did his best impression of a twelve year old girl's voice. It was actually quite good.
"You're right." I agreed. He was right. And if I were him I'd be pretty reluctant to accept my apology too. Who the hell do I think I am?
After a few moments of standing there, Tyler turned and walked away. I felt like such an asshole. I walked into my bathroom and starting running the hot water. Maybe a bath would make me feel better?
How wrong I was.
All that bath made me want to do was cry. It was just me, the warm water, and my thoughts. After a few minutes of soaking and sulking I decided that it was time that I actually tried apologizing to Tyler properly. Even if it wasn't convenient for me.
I threw on the clothes I had been wearing just a few minutes prior to my bath and ran downstairs. I saw my mom washing dishes, and three empty seats at the table. Shit, they had already left. I looked over to my left and saw that my mom's car keys were lying on the coffee table. Now that, was convenient.
I made a dash for the front door and was happy to see that no one was running after me. I put the key into the ignition and drove off in my mother's Audi, towards a little bar called Nicky's.
--
Nicky's was just like any other bar in any other town. A hole in the wall just a few miles south of Spencer's. It was the only real hang out place in town.
I made my way inside the bar and started weaving through the crowd. It was packed for a Friday night; There were bodies on the dance floor, at the pool tables, and at the bar. It looked as though Nicky might have the fire department called in on him, for breaching the maximum amount of people. Creates a fire hazard or some shit like that.
I spotted Ashleigh, looking fantastic in just a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, laughing with Aaron at the pool tables. Aaron, nonchalantly had his arm draped around her waist. I wonder if Kira knows her cousin is hanging out with her boyfriend? I looked over and saw Reid and Tyler on the opposite end of the pool table. Tyler was the reason I was here. I had to talk to him.
Before I could even reached the pool tables, someone grabbed a hold of me and turned me around. "Adele! Does mom know you're here?" It was Caleb. Should I tell him I ran out and stole her car or should I make something up? Liars never prosper.
"No, now shut up. I need to talk to Tyler." I pulled free from his grasp and made my way over towards the tables. I stopped as I stood directly behind the person I needed to talk to.
"Tyler." I tapped his shoulder and he spun around, it was almost as if it had happened in slow motion. He saw me, rolled his eyes, and turned back around. Okay, I deserve this. But drastic times call for drastic measures. I closed my eyes, as I began to shout at the top of my lungs, "TYLER I'M PREGNANT AND IT'S YOUR BABY!"
That seemed to do the trick. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked in my direction. Tyler was now a shade deep shade of red.
"Damn it," He said as he pulled me out the back door of the bar and into the alley. "What the fuck was that about?" He was angry. Well, duh! He had every right to be.
"Look. Tyler, you have every reason to be mad at me. And I don't expect you to be nice to me ever again. I just had to come and see you tonight. I need to tell you that what I said the other day at school, I didn't mean."
Tyler wouldn't look me in the eyes. Why should he, anyways? His hands were deep inside his pockets as he continued to look down at the ground.
"I'm not making excuses, so just hear me out please." I pleaded. He didn't turn around to leave, and he didn't say anything so I kept talking. "My mom's a drunk, my dad's not dead like everyone thinks he is, my brother just noticed I was alive only a week ago, and I haven't eaten in three days straight. I'm 16 years old, my boobs are too big for my body, my thighs have dimples, and for once I'm being noticed by the Spencer's population. Despite being my brother's friend, you've always made it a point to go out of your way for me. You've been nothing but nice to me and I repay you by taking out all of my stress and frustrations on you. You have every right to be angry and upset and I'm an asshole. I just wanted you to know that I'm truly sorry for everything that I had said. I was right to say that you weren't Pogue. Because you're not."
His eyes moved up and met mine.
"Pogue could never be half the man that you are." I was silently thanking my brother for saying that the other day.
"You really mean that?" The moment Tyler said that, maybe it was the poor lighting in the dark alley, or maybe it was the way he was kicking his foot around aimlessly, he looked like a little kid. And my heart nearly broke. He looked so insecure and unsure.
"Yes, I was stupid to think Pogue was so amazing." I can't believe I'm saying this. I swallowed hard, "He has nothing on you."
And for the first time that week, I saw Tyler smile. It wasn't the big, toothy grin Tyler was known for, but it was still a smile. And I couldn't help but smile back.
--
The rest of the night went by way too fast; It was such a blur. I ended up staying at Nicky's for a few hours, playing pool with Tyler and Reid. Ashleigh, pretty much ignored me, and I avoided Caleb's death glare as best as I could. I had fun though, with just the two boys. It was nice.
"I should probably get going. I drove my mom's car here without her consent or knowing." Tyler was walking me over to the silver Audi I had stolen.
"Yeah, that probably wasn't such a good idea." He laughed.
"Tell me about it. Did you know your dad and my mom were-"
"No, and I don't want to know any more about it, thank you very much."
We were now standing next to the car.
"Thanks for everything-" Tyler was getting good at interrupting me.
Instead of speaking however, he interrupted me with an unexpected kiss. Like the one a week before, it was gentle and sweet. His tongue found its way towards my lower lip, as if asking for entrance. I obliged and our tongue's met in a heated furry. One of his hands was placed on the side of the car, the other cupping my face. My hands found their way towards the bottom of his coat, pulling him in closer. Kissing Tyler was wonderful. For a brief moment in time, it felt as though everything was perfect, time stood still, and all my insecurities were forgotten.
"Adele!"
Oh shit. I turned my head, breaking the kiss, and saw Caleb walking towards both Tyler and I. His jaw was set, his cheeks were flushed, and he looked as though he was about to rip his clothes off and turn into the Hulk. I think it's safe to say that Caleb was beyond pissed.
Before I could calm anyone down, or jump into the way, a loud SMACK was heard and I saw Tyler clutching his face. Did my brother just slap Tyler?
"What the hell was that for?" Tyler sounded shocked.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. My brother was well above 6 feet tall and weighed at least 500 pounds, all of muscle. And he just slapped Tyler Simms like he was a 12 year school girl who found out Tyler liked the same boy he did.
"That's my sister. My 16 year old sister." He raised his hand to strike again but luckily Sarah had followed him outside, and grabbed his hand back.
I looked over at Tyler who I could have swore was smiling. I think he found this just as entertaining as I did. "Are you okay?" I asked him, trying not to laugh. I know it sounds pretty bad. Poor Tyler, getting beat up verbally and now physically, but this past week had just been too surreal. I let loose, I just couldn't help it. Tyler joined in the laughing with me.
"Oh great! You think it's funny!" Caleb was furious. I wasn't sure if he was talking to Tyler or me. "They think it's funny!" He turned around and yelled to no one in particular.
"Caleb, come on, relax." I said, regaining my composure. "It's Tyler. What's going to happen?" I shrugged my shoulders as if to say 'nothings going to happen' but secretly I wished something would.
"What's going to happen? What's going to happen?" Sarah was trying to calm him down, by whispering something into his ear. It obviously wasn't working.
"Caleb, it's Tyler for crying out loud! What are we going to end up doing? Math homework maybe, I mean, it is only Friday night. Or staying a few minutes past curfew rewriting notes? Or maybe living on the wild side and sneaking into the teacher's lounge and stealing a bag of Chex Mix?" I saw Tyler's head snap in my direction, as if he was thinking 'is she insulting me again' but I continued anyways. "You said yourself that Tyler's a good guy."
I don't know if Sarah promised him foreplay, or if my words had really sunk in, but Caleb seemed to relax a little.
After I awkwardly said goodbye to Tyler, and the mini-crowd that had gathered outside to watch the little spat between my brother and his friend dispersed, I made my way home in my Mother's car. I was silently praying that she'd had a few drinks and was out cold, just like her usual Friday nights tended to end.
I turned the corner and my parent's house came into view. The lights were on, and is that a police car in the driveway? Oh shit. Oh, fucking shit!
Two police cars lined the driveway, both still had their sirens flashing but not sounding. Three, yes three, different cops were outside with my mother, one was holding a picture, another was writing something down in his notebook, and the last one had his arm on my mother's shoulder. I saw their heads turn in my direction when I pulled into the drive and got out of the car. I was in deep shit.
I slowly made my way up to the visibly angry adults. And when I say slowly I mean, like 'take a 30 second break after each step' kind of slow.
--
"Adele Elisabeth Danvers, just what the hell did you think you were doing?" I was inside the house now, sitting on the couch with my head bowed, my mother pacing the living room. The cops had left, after my mother decided not to press charges for theft, and here I was… getting reamed by an alcoholic Mrs. Cleaver.
"You're grounded for an entire month!" She yelled again, and this time I lifted my head and met her eyes. My mother eyes were often glazed over, because of the alcohol, but tonight they just looked empty. They looked cold.
I was going to object but decided against it. I did take her car without her permission. I did deserve this punishment. But a whole month. That was a little harsh. I mean it wasn't like I stole my mother's car to go sell my body and buy drugs.
--
During the month of my 'groundation' Tyler and I texted each other all the time. We hung out at school, I mean we were friends and everything, but it was the text messages I looked forward to the most. Tyler was just cool, and I found that I could tell him anything, and I never once felt like he judged me. Tyler was starting to become on of my best friends, and I found that I liked it very much.
I had been keeping up on my 'self checks.' Using the time alone in my room to my benefit, I was able to focus on my thighs. I hated them so much, and despite the fact that I had been doing a thousand squats a day, they had yet to slim down. Instead, my stomach was more defined, my arms were toned, but my thighs remained jiggly, like Jello.
A week before my month of isolation was over, Tyler had asked if I wanted to go to the Fall Ball with him. It was over a month away, but I happily accepted. It was the first time anyone has ever asked me out. It was nice.
I was finishing up my squats in my room, that night that Tyler had asked me to the Fall Ball, when a hysterical Ashleigh came crying into my room. I was pretty sure my mom wasn't home, because if she was, Ashleigh wouldn't have been allowed up here. I looked over at her, and she looked beat up. Literally. There were marks on her arms, bruises along her stomach (which I could see because her shirt was torn), and Ashleigh herself looked as though she had just survived the holocaust. Her hair was in disarray, mascara was cascading down her face, and she wasn't wearing any shoes. She looked really bad.
"What's wrong?" I was worried, even though Ashleigh and I hadn't talked since we first started arguing, almost a month ago. Truth is, I had missed Ashleigh, terribly. I could never stay mad at her.
"He... he-" Ashleigh was hyperventilating.
"Sit down" I pushed her down onto my bed. "Sit with your head between your legs and breathe deeply." I was trying to calm her now. Whatever happened, had to be bad. I've never seen Ashleigh this upset before.
"He raped me Adele. He did things to me you couldn't imagine." Ashleigh finally cried out.
"Who?" I asked, "Who did this to you?" I was more angry than worried. Ashleigh, as ignorant as she could be at times, didn't deserve this. No one did.
"Aaron." I could feel my blood boiling through my skin. That bastard! I'm going to kill him.
"I know you tried to warn me about him but he just didn't seem like a bad guy." Ashleigh confessed. "He was so nice to me when we first met, but lately he had become more demanding. More aggressive. And tonight..." Ashleigh started sobbing again. "Tonight he humiliated me."
"Shh, it's going to be okay" I tried to reassure her. I sat down next to her and pulled her into a hug. Ashleigh was a good person. Aaron was going to pay for what he did.
After I calmed Ashleigh down, I gave her some of my clothes and let her shower and change. When she was in the shower, I crept down to my brother's room and knocked on his door. Luckily, he was working on his math homework and wasn't out with the boys tonight.
"What's up?" He asked as he opened the door and let me inside.
"Ashleigh's here."
He raised his eyebrows. "If mom finds out you'll be grounded for another month." I hated how much things had changed between my mother and Caleb and I. This past month, it was as if she had never gone into a Great Depression. A great alcoholic depression. She just pretended that things were okay, that my dad was dead, and that her life was perfectly normal. I may not be too smart, but I think anyone with a brain can see that my mom isn't fooling anyone. And it's only a matter of time before she realizes that for herself.
I rolled my eyes. "Let her ground me then. Ashleigh came over hysterical. Aaron raped her."
I could see Caleb's jaw clench shut. He was angry. I filled him in on the details and asked him for his advice. He told me to let her stay the night and to keep an eye on her. He told me he'd deal with mom and Aaron. For some reason, Caleb made me feel like he had the situation under control. Finally, I felt like I could rely on my brother. It was nice feeling, not having to rely on myself for a change.
That night, I let Ashleigh sleep in my bed, while I slept on the floor. I felt horrible for her. And although I thought she was stupid in the first place for dating Aaron, I could understand why she did it. What girl didn't like getting attention from a guy? I certainly liked the attention I got from Tyler. But I knew Tyler would never hurt me. Aaron had a bad reputation for a reason. I wonder if Kira knows all about this?
I grabbed my cell phone and began to text Tyler. I couldn't sleep. I won't lie, the floor was uncomfortable, but I was thinking way too much to sleep anyways. I sent him a text and asked him to call me if he was still up. A few minutes later my phone started vibrating.
"Hey"
"What's up?"
"Ashleigh's here. I can't sleep."
"Why's Ashleigh over there?"
"Do you promise not to tell anyone?"
"Cross my heart."
"Aaron raped her." I whispered into the phone. I could hear him let out a sigh of disbelief.
"Are you serious? Why? When?"
"Earlier today. She came over around 6 and was like hyperventilating. I felt horrible, she's got bruises all over her body and her clothes were torn."
"That asshole." I could hear someone mumbling in the background. Must be Reid. "Hey look I gotta go, but I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Yeah, I should probably get some sleep. G'night." I said and hung up the phone. I knew Tyler, and I knew he wasn't going to tell a soul.
--
The next day at school, my brother and Tyler never let Ashleigh and I out of their sights. I felt kind of honored that they wanted to protect me, but it was Ashleigh I was worried about. She barely spoke, and when she did, she wasn't the same Ashleigh I knew. She was quiet. She wasn't the loud, outspoken girl that she really was. I knew that this thing with Aaron really was getting to her.
At the end of the day, Ashleigh and I made our way over to my brother's car. He had insisted on Ashleigh staying with us until everything was taken care of. I had no idea of what he meant by 'taken care of' but I knew it had something to do with Aaron. As we were about to get into his car, we saw a group of students huddled around the quad, forming a circle. We heard someone scream 'FIGHT' and we ran our way over to see what the commotion was all about.
I could barely believe my eyes. Reid Garwin, the biggest shit talker of the school, was kicking the shit out of Aaron Abbot. I looked over at Ashleigh who was smiling. I was glad she was enjoying this. Aaron was having his ass handed to him. Finally, two teachers made their way over to the group and broke them up. Aaron was bloody, it was obvious that Reid had let out all of his aggressions on that bastard. Just before the teachers dragged Reid away to the Provost's office, he looked over at Ashleigh, and smiled. Shit, Reid knew.
"Hey Ashleigh, Why don't you go home with my brother and I'll meet you there." I said, and without waiting for her answer I left, on my way towards Tyler's dorm.
I knocked twice and Tyler answered.
"You told him!" I yelled out.
Tyler looked around, and then pulled me inside. "I didn't tell him anything." I knew Tyler wasn't lying. Tyler would never lie to me. "Reid overheard Aaron bragging to his friends about it today in the locker rooms after Swim Practice."
I couldn't believe the bastard had the nerve to brag about raping someone!
"Reid just kicked his ass." I stated. "It took two teacher's to tear him off of Aaron. He's probably in the Provost's office right now."
"Well, Aaron had that coming."
I nodded my head in agreement. I looked around and noticed how messy Tyler's dorm room was. I never took Tyler to be a messy guy. He always just seemed like a neat freak. He must have sensed what I was thinking because he smiled at me sheepishly and told me that Reid was a slob. I laughed. Reid may be a slob, but he's one ass kicking slob.
"So have you picked out a dress yet?" I could tell Tyler was feeling awkward. I wonder if he's ever had a girl in dorm room alone before.
"Not yet." The butterflies in my stomach were starting to flutter again. Tyler always seemed to do that to me.
Tyler and I had not kissed since that incident at Nicky's. We never even mentioned it either. As far as I knew it, Tyler and I were just friends. I mean, I like him and everything, but we've never even been on a date. And the whole Fall Ball thing, well that's just a stupid dance everyone goes too. It was nice though, when he had asked me to go with him. I felt like he had probably rehearsed what he was going to say to me in front of the mirror a bunch of times before actually doing it. And when he did, he was nervous. And I thought that was cute.
"Well I should go." I said, realizing that we were both standing in the middle of his dorm room, awkwardly silent.
"Do you need a ride?" He asked me.
"Oh no, it's cool. I've made it a habit to run home." It was true. If I didn't run at least a mile a day I felt fat. Today I hadn't run at all, so I should probably run a few laps around the track field before I made my way home.
"I'll text you later" I said as I made my way towards the track field. Today was a hot day out, so I was guaranteed a sweat.
I came home that day to my mother slaving over the stove again. Mr. Simms and my mother seemed to be getting on really well, because she'd been having him over for dinner every night for the past two weeks. I, of course, made it my mission to insult Mr. Simms any chance I got. After all, I had a crush on his son AND my mom was married.
"Where the hell have you been?" My mother said as I made my way upstairs, to check on Ashleigh.
"Gorman's." I lied. I knew it would shut her up if she thought I was spending time with my dad.
"Hey" I said as I saw Ashleigh surfing the web on my laptop. "You okay?" I threw off my school uniform and rummaged through
"I'm alright. Are you?"
I looked over at Ashleigh, confused. "Why would I not be?"
"Adele, I can see your ribs."
"So?"
"You're standing with your back to me."
I looked over at her. She had no idea what she was saying. She had just been through a traumatic event, her mind was making her see things. Wasn't that what post traumatic stress disorder was? I don't know, I'm not a psychologist.
"Whatever Ashleigh. I'm gonna take a shower, let me know if Tyler calls." I threw my cell over towards her, which landed on the bed, and took a shower.
The warm water seemed to soothe my aching muscles. I had been running over two miles everyday this past week. I know, two miles wasn't much, but for me it was. A few months ago at this time, if someone would have asked me how much exercise I did in a day, I wouldn't have been able to answer. I had never exercised. Now, I can't seem to stop.
I ran the my hands over my shoulder blades. Check.
I grabbed a hold of my wrist. I was able to touch all my fingers together. Check.
I was good to go.
I got out of the shower and stepped onto the scale. 103. I'm still in the three digits. Once I get down to two digits, I'll be perfect.
I threw on the now baggy clothes, I had bought in Boston with Ashleigh, just before school had started up. Once I was ungrounded I had made it a plan to go shopping again. Nothing seemed to fit me anymore. I was elated.
"Hey, lover boy sent you a text." Ashleigh tossed me my phone.
I caught it and hit the 'read' button.
"What r u doing?"
"Just got out of the shower. U?"
"Nothin much. Reid just got back. He's suspended for the rest of the week."
"Aaron had it coming."
"No doubt."
"Ur dad's here 4 dinner again."
"That's really gross."
"Tell me about it. How gross would that b if we became step-siblings?"
"I don't want 2 think about it. When r u ungrounded?"
"Friday's my last day."
"Want to go to dinner Saturday night?"
"R u asking me out on a date?"
"Depends."
"On what?"
"If u say yes or not."
"What if I say yes?"
"Then it's a date."
"And what if I say no?"
"Then it's not."
"I'd love to."
"Then it is a date."
I smiled. Tyler Simms had just asked me out on a date. Things could not get any better.
"What are you smiling about?" Ashleigh interrupted my day dream.
"Tyler just asked me out." I said, noting the slight disappointment in Ashleigh's facial expression. "Oh, and he said that Reid's suspended for the rest of the week… for defending your honor."
Ashleigh stayed silent. I could tell she was thinking about something.
I remembered the night at the restaurant, before school had started, Reid and Ashleigh seemed to be… well not very nice to each other. And the night before they had left Nicky's together. "What happened with you and Reid?"
Ashleigh looked away. Whatever it was, it probably wasn't good.
"He told me he loved me."
My mouth dropped open in shock. For some reason, Reid never seemed like the type of guy that would just randomly drop the L-bomb. And why is that such a bad thing?
--
Later that night, after Mr. Simms had left, Caleb and I dropped Ashleigh off at her dorms. I was reluctant to do so, but she kept insisting. Who was I to stop her from moving forward?
On our way home, Caleb and I stopped by Gorman's house. Caleb was just going to drop off my dad's prescription but I was persistent to join him. Caleb eventually catered, and let me go with him.
"Gorman?" Caleb yelled out as we made out way into the familiar old house. I hadn't been in here for at least six months. But I knew this place like I knew the back of my hand.
We made our way upstairs and saw Gorman holding up his rifle.
"Relax, it's just me." I said reassuringly. Gorman smiled and pulled me into a hug.
"I didn't recognize you there." He laughed.
My brother and I made out way into my dad's room, the familiar beep of the machines sounding in the background.
I saw the figure sitting in the chair and was a little hesitant to approach it. Caleb nudged me forward and for the first time in a long time, I smiled at my dad.
"Hi dad." I knew my dad couldn't answer me, but I still insisted on talking to him anyways.
"I miss you."
Caleb handed Gorman the bottle of pills for my father and then made his way over to us.
"Hey dad" he greeted.
I could tell my father recognized us. He had that familiar twinkle in his ageing eyes.
My dad started trying to move his wrists. Caleb and I looked over at Gorman, hoping he'd be able to explain what was going on. Gorman walked over with a pen and paper in his hand. "Your dad still finds ways of communication." He chuckled.
We watched, as Gorman put the pen into my dad's hand and held up the piece of paper. My dad started moving his wrists, writing something on the piece of paper.
A few minutes later my dad dropped the pen, and Gorman picked it up. Caleb and I noticed Gorman reading the note, before eyeing me suspiciously. Gorman handed the paper to us but I couldn't read the writing.
"What does it say?" I asked Caleb, who was suddenly quiet, as if he was thinking.
"Dad says you need to eat." I looked over at my dad, who was now sleeping. Caleb and Gorman were both staring at me, and I felt extremely uncomfortable.
After a few minutes of making small talk with Gorman, Caleb and I left. Caleb was silent the entire ride home, but I knew what he was thinking about. For some unexplainable reason, I had a feeling that Caleb knew.
Knew about my self-checks.
Knew about my vomiting.
Knew about my excessive exercising.
And for the first time in my life, my brother's silence was scaring the shit out of me.
