Turning Saints Into the Sea

Chapter Two: Fun Phobias

The hallway was dark and quiet. Lily quietly moaned. She hated rounds. She hated the empty corridors almost as much as she hated the silence.

But the silence was worse.

Lily looked over her shoulder. No one was there. Again.

Get your mind off it, Lily. Remember what the therapist said. Imagine something you like.

James Potter jumped to mind.

Sputtering disgustedly, she tried to push him away and think of something else. However, the image of Potter looking at her like she was an idiot stuck in her mind. The embarrassment overwhelmed her as she mentally studied his face, his height, his shoulders.

His shoulders.

Lily elbowed a wall, not even caring about the pain that sliced up her arm as she hit her funny bone. Potter's shoulders did not concern her! At all! No matter how . . .

"Stop it!" she shrieked, slapping her head, trying to clear images that she definitely wasn't supposed to be picturing.

"Stop what?"

Lily froze after hearing a voice behind her. Without thinking, she turned around, grabbed her wand, and screamed "Immobulis!" as loud as she possibly could.

James Potter jumped out of the way to avoid the spell. "Evans! What are you doing?"

But Lily couldn't move; it was as if she herself had been hit. Fear washed out all rational thought. She fell to the ground from dizziness, her heart beating out of control, her skin feeling like it was on fire. Tears fell from her eyes as she silently lay on the ground, trembling.

James ran over to her. "Lily!" He shook her. "What's wrong?"

She couldn't breath . . . The darkness was surrounding her . . .

Lily woke up in the hospital wing. It took her a moment to realize where she was; on a bed, next to James Potter dozing off in a chair.

She sat up. What had happened? Had she had a panic attack? How long had she been asleep? Questions flooded her brain as she tried to concentrate on the past few hours.

"So you're awake!" Madam Pomfrey, the school nurse said, bustling over. "Gave Mr. Potter there quite a scare."

Lily looked at Potter, who had started when he heard his name. "What?" he said, jumping up and looking around, before focusing on her.

"Evans! Are you alright? What happened back there?"

She felt herself blushing. It had been so long since this had happened before. Why, oh why did it have to happen at Hogwarts, her first day, no less?

"Miss Evans is a combination of sedatephobic and lygophobic," Madam Pomfrey said without waiting for her to answer the question. A mixture of gratefulness and annoyance combined as Lily watched the nurse dollop out a clear syrup-like substance onto a spoon and hand it to her.

Potter looked at them expectantly. "And that would mean . . ."

"Sedatephobia is the fear of silence, and lygophobia is the fear of being in dark places. So basically, I have an irrational fear for dark, quiet corridors. I've been afraid of them since before I can remember" Lily shoveled the spoon into her mouth, gagging at the overly sweet taste, before chugging the glass of water Madam Pomfrey had given her.

Potter stared. "You fear dark, quiet corridors and you've been doing rounds for almost three years now? Why?"

"I need to overcome my fears, according to the doctor. The only way for me to truly be comfortable with dark, quiet spaces is for me to be exposed to them regularly. Hogwarts seemed like the perfect place for exposure," she explained, growing more uncomfortable by the minute.

He sat back and kneaded his eyes with his palms, processing the information. "Has this happened before?"

Lily shook her head. "No, not recently. In our first year, I was really freaked out, but mainly at night. Staying in the common room night after night not only kept me away from the hallways, it also squashed any desire to sneak around after hours.

"Fifth year was the hardest; rounds started. But I explained my problem to Professor Dumbledore, and I gradually got used to roaming around. It's just that today was really stressful, and stress usually makes me forget all my work on getting over my fears, and then you startled me."

Potter looked down. "Sorry. I just heard you yelling, and I wondered what was wrong. I won't scare you again."

She smiled to herself. "It's okay." She looked around. "What time is it?"

Potter checked his watch. "It's almost 2:30. We should be getting back the dorms."

Madam Pomfrey seemed to materialize at Lily's side. "Absolutely not! This girl has just suffered from an anxiety attack. She is in no condition to be going back into the hallways."

The absurdity of the statement was something they both found quite amusing. "Its okay, Madam Pomfrey. I'm fine walking as long as someone's there." She looked at Potter questioningly.

"Oh. I'll walk Evans to the dorms," Potter volunteered.

Madam Pomfrey looked angrily at the two of them. "C'mon, Madam Pomfrey, I have class in six hours anyway, and it won't be any help if I'm here instead of my real bed," Lily begged.

"Oh, alright," she grumped. "But hurry along."

Lily and James collected their robes and started out the door. They headed towards the portrait of the African maiden. James was the one who talked first.

"Does anyone else know about your phobias?" he asked quietly.

"Sam and Melanie do," Lily said, smiling slightly. "I needed an excuse not to sneak out with them at night in our first year." She shrugged, but James could tell she felt separated since she couldn't participate in things with her friends.

"I'm not a rule follower by nature," Lily continued. "Before I came to Hogwarts, my parents considered me the wild child. I was always the one performing ridiculous stunts. I once almost set the house on fire. My sister Petunia was kind of what they wanted me to be. She was older, smarter, prettier, better. I was the family rebel. But when I got the Hogwarts letter, it was like the roles were reversed. Petunia was no longer the special one. She hated me for it. She still does.

"Anyway, since I couldn't go out at night, breaking the rules, I decided that I would just start over. I promised myself I would do anything to get Petunia to understand I wasn't the freak she branded me. After a few years, I stopped caring what she thought of me. The rule following comes naturally now." Lily paused to take a breath.

James stared at her. "Wow."

Lily laughed, glancing at him. "I know. Never thought there might be a story behind the model citizen, did you? No one does."

He was silent for a moment. "Wait. Samantha Bjorn tried to convince you to sneak out at night? She always seemed like the sane one of you all," James inquired.

She laughed again. "Okay, well Melanie was more the wild one. She tried to convince us to break the rules once in a while, live a little, you know?"

It was James's turn to laugh. "I'm best mates with Sirius Black. Of course I don't know anything about disregarding rules."

They reached the portrait. "Befuddle," Lily said. The fire had almost burned out as they walked inside, and Lily felt a chill crawl up her spine.

"Well . . . Goodnight," James said, glancing at Lily hesitantly.

"Yeah. See you in the morning," she replied, before turning and hurrying up the stairwell leading to her bedroom.

In her room, Lily pressed her forehead against the door. "What is wrong with me?" she murmured against the wood.

Her eyes fell on her clock. 2:51, she thought miserably. So that's what, 5 ½ hours of sleep?

Without even removing her shoes, Lily collapsed on her bed and immediately dozed off.

James Potter stared into the glowing coals until they burned his eyes. Lygophobic and sedatephobic. Lily Evans just didn't seem to fit into that category. She had always been so smart, so fearless, so . . . surreal. The fact that she had weaknesses was something James had always known, but never really accepted. Sort of like death.

Lily had phobias. It hit James that she could be hiding hundreds of other things. He realized how little he knew about her.

The clock struck 3 AM and he looked up. Only 5 ½ hours of sleep on the first night; a new record. He headed upstairs after taking a long look at her door.

BRIIIIIIIING!!!!

SMASH!

Lily sat up snarling as her alarm clock screamed that it was seven AM.

Viciously, she turned to her clock, clawing her hair out of her eyes. It was totally demolished, cogs and odd metal pieces falling all over her desk.

She looked at her fist, which was now bleeding, and quickly magicked a bandage around it.

Fourteen minutes later she walked down the stairs to walk down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Samantha and an extremely tired Melanie were already sitting down, eating oatmeal and bacon.

"What happened to your hand?" Sam asked, pointing at the bandage.

Lily laughed bitterly. "I totally destroyed my alarm clock when it went off by smashing it with my hand. I'm so tired; I stayed up till 3."

"So! Did Potter rape you during the rounds?" Mel asked conversationally, standing up with her bowl and spooning more oatmeal into it.

Images of the night before hit Lily with a bang, and she felt herself crumpling in realization. James Potter knew about her . . . problem. What if he told the school? What would she do if something she had worked six years to keep a secret came out?

"I- . . . I had a panic attack last night," she whispered, looking down.

Sam froze in mid-chew and Melanie dropped her bowl. It shattered, sending porcelain and oatmeal in various directions.

"Shit," Melanie said, pulling out her wand to clean it up, before watching it all zoom in and become a bowl full of oatmeal again. She looked up into the brown eyes of Remus Lupin, who had his wand out.

Mel stared for a few seconds, before smiling. "Thanks," she said, sitting down. He shrugged, turning and talking to Pettigrew.

Melanie seemed to be in a daze as she ate her oatmeal quietly. "Oh my God!" she cried, realizing what had been going on before she broke the bowl. "Are you okay? Did Potter find out?"

"He was sort of the cause, but-" Lily began.

"WHAT? He caused it? I'll kill him. Where is he?" Melanie shrieked, rising to look for Potter.

"No, he didn't purposefully do it. I was freaking out and-" Lily stopped, remembering what she had been thinking about beforethe panic attack.

"And . . .?" Sam said, indicating with her hand for Lily to continue.

"Um, I was starting to freak out because of all the darkness and he said something from behind me and I was surprised so I passed out," Lily finished lamely.

Sam gave her a look. She for one had realized all the gaps in Lily's story. "He just said something? Wasn't he supposed to be on his own rounds? What was he doing around you?" she asked.

"Yeah, didn't you picture something to get your mind off it?" Mel added.

"I tried but all I could come up with was Potter, alright?!?" Lily huffed, the pressure from her friends' stares fogging her sense of judgement.

"You pictured Potter?" Melanie cried.

"God, Mel, loud enough?" Lily shushed as heads from all four tables turned in their direction to see what she had yelled about.

"Who pictured me?"

James Potter sat down at the table across from theirs.

Lily felt herself pale.

"Who says we're talking about you?" Melanie snapped.

"How many other Potters are in this building?" Potter countered, raising an eyebrow and dishing himself porridge.

"Thirty two," Mel said. Potter laughed, turning to talk to Pettigrew, Lupin, and Black.

Professor McGonagall passed out schedules as they continued breakfast. "Double Potions with the Slytherins first period," groaned Melanie, pretending to gag. Lily felt the same; though she was excellent at potions, the last thing she needed was four hours of Professor Slughorn breathing down her neck. Especially at 9 AM.

"Care of Magical Creatures on Monday . . . astronomy every Tuesday at midnight . . . what do you have for Fridays?" Sam said vaguely, scanning her paper for similarities in their schedules.

"I have . . . arithmancy," Lily answered.

"What time?" Potter asked, butting into the conversation.

Lily gave him an annoyed look. "What do you have?" she asked, feigning interest.

"11:30."

Lily looked at her paper. It read Friday-11:30-1:00-Arithmancy.

"I have it at one," she lied, just to see his reaction.

Potter shrugged.

"Um, hating to be a wet blanket, but what are you going to tell Potter when he realizes that you two actually have the same class?" Mel said, tapping Lily's paper.

"I'll say I changed classes," Lily responded. "I have to go, Charms is next." She started to leave.

"I'll come with you," Sam offered, rising out of her seat as well.

The two girls set off to the third floor. When they arrived at the door, they realized Sirius Black and James Potter were waiting along with the other students.

"Weren't you guys still eating breakfast when we left for this class?" Sam asked slowly as they walked up to them.

Black looked at Potter. "So we walked around you. Maybe you just walk really, really slow."

Sam looked at him incredulously. "I'm so sure," she scoffed. Lily was astounded. Samantha Bjorn never said anything that offended anyone.

Black walked over until he was towering over her. Sam, being around five foot two, tried her hardest not to be intimidated by Black's height.

"What did you say?"

"I said 'I'm so sure,' as in I don't doubt for a minute that you're lying about walking around us," she countered, tilting her head far up so she could meet his gaze.

He stared at her for a few seconds, before slowly backing down from the blonde. "Since when can you talk, Bjorn?" he muttered.

He knows my name, he knows my name!!!

Sam was giddy with happiness she failed at concealing. She practically skipped to her seat next to Lily, who was still staring at her as if she had three heads.

"Are you drunk?" Lily asked her. She looked so worried Sam burst out laughing.

"Seriously. Have you consumed alcohol in the past six hours?" Lily looked downright frightened now.

Sam sighed, kissed her hand, and patted Lily's cheek with it. "I love you, Lily," she said happily.

He knows my name!!

Lily's hand shot into the air. "What are you doing?" Sam asked.

"Taking you to the Hospital Wing. Professor Flitwick!" Lily called to the tiny professor.

"No! I'm not drunk! Put your arm down!" Sam said, diving for her hand.

"What seems to be the problem, Miss Evans?"

Professor Flitwick walked over to the two girls.

"Samantha Bjorn isn't feeling well. May I take her to the Hospital Wing?" Lily asked politely.

"Yes, but make it fast, we're learning Disillusion Charms today and I don't want you to miss them," he said, dismissing them with a wave of his hand.

Lily dragged her outside the room away from the prying eyes and practically pushed her up against the wall. "What is wrong with you? You're acting insane! Did someone slip something into your food?" She tried to look into Sam's face.

"No, its nothing like that. I'm just happy, that's all. Is there something wrong with that?" Sam said, irritated that her good mood was being spoiled because Lily was too observant as a friend.

"Sammy, when you're usually happy, you hum to yourself and smile. You're acting like . . ." Lily's eyes widened.

"Oh my God! You're acting like you're in love! Who is he?"

Sam smiled mischievously. "Why would you think that?"

"The only guys we've encountered today have been Potter, Black, and Lupin. During lunch when Mel spilt her oatmeal you didn't seem happy, nor when Potter asked about my schedule. But you've been acting strange since you fought with . . ." Lily looked up, stunned.

"Sirius Black?!?" Lily shrieked. "Why?!?"

"Why do you think I like Black of all people?" Sam said, annoyed Lily had caught on so fast. She slid down the wall onto the floor.

"Because right after Black and you got into that fight, you came away grinning like a madman."

"So I like him a little."

"A little?!?" Lily sat down next to her friend. "Sam, you were skipping for God's sake!"

"Alright, a lot."

The girls sat in silence for a few moments. "What are you going to do about it?" Lily asked, turning to her.

"What can I do? Black's popular, I'm not; the relationship ends there." Sam looked miserable.

"Well, maybe it's for the best," Lily said slowly. Sam looked at her in shock. "I mean, Black's a major playboy. What good would come out of you two going out? He'd just break your heart anyway."

"But . . ."

"Maybe you should go out with other people," Lily suggested hurriedly, before Sam burst into tears. "Then you could get experience, and if Black likes you, he'll be jealous."

Sam's face lit up at the endless possibilities.

Lily was inwardly crushed by her friend's enthusiasm. Logically, the scheme seemed simple, but the chances of Sam getting a real boyfriend, and then making Sirius Black jealous with him were remarkably slim. For now though, she decided to let Sam dream. Besides, they needed to get back to class.