BPOV
Chapter 2: Quiet Contemplations
As I stay there on my knees in the middle of my room I started to think to myself why I had done it. Why did I always have to ruin everything good that I came upon? But like I had told myself before, he just wasn't worth it. I couldn't stop telling myself that or I would stop believing it.
Gathering myself up, I stood for the first time in an hour and headed to the shower. I walked past my end table and realized I was already late for school. Oh well. It isn't like I care. How could I care after what I had been through? I marveled over the complexity my life had become since I moved to Forks as I washed away the regret for what I had done. I had more sense then that. Don't make the same mistake twice.
I thought that maybe if I could just do something normal I could escape the feeling that I was the dumbest person on the face of the earth. That ended up being a tragedy.
I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen. Charlie was at work.
"I think I want some eggs." I said to myself. Talking to yourself. Not insane at all Bella!
I didn't think that it could get any worse when I spilled a small amount of cooking oil on the burner and the entire thing caught fire. Luckily this was not the first time it had happened and instead of freaking out like a normal person I just grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the blaze.
Humming to myself as I ate the Pop-Tart I had made after destroying the eggs I couldn't help but get this feeling. I looked out the window. Nobody was there, not that I could see. I had the feeling that someone was watching me. Don't even think about it. It isn't him because he doesn't really care about you. I kept chanting that to myself. I had to do something to stop myself from running out of my house screaming about life being a screwed up mess.
I stood in front of the sink and leaned on the counter looking out the window. I peered over the trees trying to get a glimpse of who was watching me. I knew I was being an imbecile because I knew who it was. He said he would be watching me. My eye caught on a tree right in front of my house and I saw the shadowy figure of a man in the tree. I was right! He does care! No!! Stop that. He doesn't. Maybe it is someone else. I thought that maybe it was the Vulturi or someone else that wanted to kill me. I actually hoped for it in that brief second. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this pain that was weighing me down right in my chest. I couldn't do anything to lift the weight, I just had to live with it.
I swiped at the moisture that had developed on my cheek angrily. I didn't need to cry like a little baby. There were a million guys to choose from, why did I think I deserved him? Because he loves you. I tried to shut up my delirious thoughts and went to clean my room.
I stumbled up the stairs, nearly falling once but I caught myself. I stopped in the middle of the staircase and fell down on the step. As I sat there I started crying like a fool. I always did this. I always cried. Why couldn't I stop crying over him? I knew why I was crying but it was stupid. As I made my way up the stairs I had realized that if I fell there would be no one to catch me but myself. I was alone, and it killed me. The fact that I had nobody was eating away at me slowly and forced me to the ground at random moments, making it impossible to do anything like a normal person. It was crippling.
Picking myself up for the second time today I felt weak. This was taking a lot out of me. For a moment I questioned myself if it was even worth it. I discarded the idea of yelling for my long lost love like a vague memory of Romeo and Juliet.
Once I was in my room I saw that it was perfectly clean. Too clean. Everything was in it's place and suddenly that pissed me off. Thrashing out with all of my anger I grabbed clothes and books and random items from my room and slung them around. In my furious frenzy I hadn't noticed the box on my bed. It was wrapped in a paper that I remember only slightly. It looked like a birthday present.
I opened it up out of curiosity only to find all of the gifts that I had received on the birthday that Jasper had attacked me. He had been in my room. So it was him. I had the sudden urge to throw all of it out the window, but I couldn't. I took out the CD and placed it inside my stereo. Then, I took the tickets to Jacksonville and put them in my desk drawer and placed the three pictures of him on my nightstand.
I took the last present out and headed down to my truck. I stepped out of my house and saw the figure shift in the tree. I smiled to myself, knowing that he stilled cared. I was done denying it. But was I ready to take him back? No, I might never but at least I knew that some of the things he had said weren't a complete lie. I stepped into my truck and turned it on. I was going to La Push and Jacob was going to put this stereo back in.
