Author's Note: Okay, here's the McAbby proposal, which will lead to sex. The dinner will be in the next chapter. It will go way better than the one with the old bastard, I promise.

I'm going to base Aunt Nettie off of my Spanish instructor.
She's a little old Jewish lady who loves cooking and her family.

It should work.

I hope it will work.

On with the show.

Disclaimer: NOT MINE. THE RING DESIGN WAS OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, THOUGH.


"Hey.", she greeted as she came in.

"Hey. How was shopping with Ziva?"

"It rocked! I never realized how funny she was until today! She told me about making a piƱata out of a guy in Israel and Tony's baby pictures!" she gushed as she removed her shoes.

"Really? Any interesting ones?"

"His big brother put him in a dress and makeup."

Tim snorted water out of his nose before laughing at the images in his head.
Tony in a dress? He made a note to ask Ziva if she had a copy of that.

"That happened to me too, only with a slurpie. It burned like hell."

"It's cold. Why would it burn?" he wondered out loud.

"Good question."

Turning his attention back to his typewriter, he listened to her get some Caf Pow! out the pitcher in the fridge.

"Ew! Why is there a spider in this...oh, my god..."

The ring was quite different from your usual engagement ring.
He had gotten it designed like his favorite tattoo on her body, the spider web on her neck. On a platinum band, an onyx and emerald spider rested on a white diamond spider web.

Turning around in his seat and standing, he saw her shaking like a leaf.

Her light blue eyes were wide and unseeing.

I hope she's not going into shock., he thought worriedly.

That would suck. I mean, putting the love of your life into a vegetative state isn't exactly romantic., his brain supplied unhelpfully.

You know, brain, if you don't have anything constructive to offer then you should really just shut the fuck up. Or go play in traffic.

"Abby?" he called gently.

"Huh?" she replied shakily.

"Are you okay?"

She blinked and then swallowed a little bit.

"I-I think so. Timmy, is this your way of asking me to be your denture finder? You know, when you're like 80 something and you can't find your teeth..."

"If anything, I'd be asking you if you'd seen my glasses. People in my family keep their teeth and hair. It's the vision that gets shot to hell. That and the heart."

She smiled and came over to him.

Giving him the ring, she looked at him expectantly.

"Do it right, Elf Lord."

Only she could turn that into an endearment.
Chuckling at her spunk, he got down on one knee.
He wanted to be honest but make her laugh.

"Abby, I love you. You came into my life and made it better. I know this is going to sound cheesy as hell but before I met you, there was a hole in my heart. An Abby shaped hole..."

He held his chest dramatically and she cracked up.

"Tim, just ask, already!" she chided.

"You told me to do it right."

"Yeah but not that right! You sound like a character from one of those sappy Lifetime movies."

"Fine. Will you marry me?"

"Yes. Now get up here and kiss me."

He put the ring on her finger and got up, kissing her fiercely. She purred and wrapped her arms around him. He wanted her, now. Walking them backwards to their bedroom, he laid her down in the coffin, climbing in on top of her.

It was kind of like a bed. It used to disturb him greatly to look at it but now, he couldn't really sleep unless he was in a coffin. She closed the vented lid and grabbed him, tearing his shirt in half. He retaliated by hiking her skirt up and plunging two fingers into her sopping core.

She cried out as he stimulated her with knowing and gentle fingers. She was as familiar to him as the innards of a hard drive. Finding all of her spots, he wrenched cries from her that made his blood boil. The fact that he could make her so abandoned and wanton filled him with testosterone laced pride.

Soon, her cries became a piercing shriek and she convulsed underneath him, sobbing his name as her orgasm seized her. His fingers flooded with burning creams and he twisted them in a come hither gesture. She shattered again, her walls jerking harder and faster.
He kissed her deeply, plunging his tongue to same rhythm of his fingers.

When she went limp beneath him, he withdrew his fingers, offering them to her.
She sucked them clean and he took the opportunity to strip them both naked.
Waiting for her to recover, he lightly stroked her sides.

When her hot little hand found his throbbing member, he moaned deeply.

She giggled and sat up with him, aggressively taking his lips.

He'd get to kiss her like this for the rest of his life.
Abby slid down onto him and she clinged to him, burying her face in his shoulder.
He groaned as her familiar heat engulfed him, sending electricity through him.
With a light touch, he traced the cross on her back, delighting in her shivers.
His hand went to the skull and crossbones clip in her hair, loosening it so the strawberry scented locks fell into his face.

Feeling her near virginal tightness yield to him, he gripped their hips and found their rhythm. Her teeth sank into his shoulder, muffling her desperate screams. She had a tendency to be very loud during actual intercourse, which he loved.
Their neighbors didn't. The crotchety old lady next door had been a complete nuisance.

She had called the cops numerous times.
The only reason she stopped was because Abby threatened to break the necks of her many cats, burn their corpses and drink their blood. Seeing as she already thought Abby was a devil worshiping psychopath, she backed off.
Ever since, all they got were baleful looks and occasional innuendo from the drunken college boy upstairs.

She stiffened and shuddered hard, not making a sound.

"Abby?"

She gasped and let out a long sultry moan.
In her eyes, he could see that she was coming.
Her walls fluttered around him, coaxing his seed out in streams.
He groaned her name and laid them flat, marveling at how beautiful she looked.

She really did look like an angel.

Coming down, he pulled the bunched blanket over them and held her.
With a low moan, she went limp again, this time looking worn out and thoroughly loved.
Her body was still twitching with aftershocks.

"Are you okay?"

"God, yes." she growled. "I've never come that hard before. It was like a full body orgasm."

He blushed and she gave him a weak hug, nearly asleep.

"I love you, Timmy. I can't wait to be Mrs. Elf Lord."

"I love you, too."

After he was sure she was asleep, he pressed the button he had installed, turning all the lights out.

Burying his face in her neck, he drifted into a deep sated sleep.