Just so you know the end of this is nearing. Just so you know.....

Chapter 5: Spiraling Out of Control

BPOV

It was the weekend after my incident in the nurses office. I had not done too well, being in all of his classes. I had to focuse twice as hard in class and at lunch I sat alone at a table in the farthest corner away from the Cullen table. Every day Emmett, Alice and even Jasper sat with me. I knew why Rose didn't, because she hated me. Whatever. I really didn't care. Nothing really mattered and ever since they had returned I had gotten more and more depressed. I had confused myself beyond repair. I just moved through the necessary actions of a normal human and then went to bed just to wake up and do it all over again.

Now I was doing what I always did on the weekend. Sitting alone in the living room while Charlie was out fishing with his friends. Friends. What a thing to have. I was jealous of the people who had real friends and boyfriends. People that would never leave them and really loved them. I had become increasingly insane along with the depression. I hadn't spoken, except to a teacher, since talking with Emmett that day after I ran out of school. When anyone bothered "eating" with me they just sat there and stared while I mechanically ate my food without saying a word. When you have nothing to live for, what do you have to talk about?

Alice was the only one who actually talked during the short lunch period. But her words were insignificant ones, telling me I should take Edward back. I could think his name now because nothing mattered. I didn't feel anything. I didn't feel pain, hurt, joy....nothing. Just the numbing sensation of depression and the other worldliness of insanity. I would call myself a waist of oxygen and food but Charlie seemed to think differently because he was always trying to get me to do normal things. I wasn't going for that though so I just sat on the couch and stared off into the dark oblivion that was my life.

While sitting there I had figured out two things. One, Edward didn't deserve to have me as a girlfriend or anything else. He didn't deserve to be handicapped with a wrecked human when he could have any girl that he wanted. Anyone was better for him then me. Two, I didn't deserve to live. Being on earth was a privilege that I had not earned. I was worthless and just needed to disappear.

I guess you could say I hated myself. Frankly, anything that anyone said didn't bother me because I didn't think anything of myself.

The phone rang and I stood up. I walked to the phone and picked it up.

"Hello." I said.

"Bella what the hell is wrong with you?" Jacob asked.

"Whatever do you mean Jacob?" I asked in monotone.

"You haven't talked to me in forever and I am worried. Why do you sound like that? Are you sick?"

"No."

"Then what's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing."

"I'm not stupid Bella!" he yelled.

"Goodbye Jacob." I said, and hung up the phone. I was really saying goodbye for good. I hoped he wouldn't be angry.

I walked up to my room and to my desk. I grabbed a pair of scissors and pointed the sharp end at my chest.

"God, you don't have to forgive me for this. But it would be nice if you did."

I lunged the scissors at my chest and heard glass break and was knocked to the ground.

"Huh?" I asked in a daze. The scissors were gone and Alice was standing above me with a menacing look in her eyes.

"What the HELL!?" she screamed.

"What?" I asked, totally unaware of why she was mad.

"You just tried to kill yourself!!"

"So."

"UGH!! You idiot! Why can't you just snap out of it."

"I'm to far in it."

Alice threw the scissors out the window with a lot of force and growled.

"Don't you ever think of doing something like that again! I almost didn't get here in time!"

"I wish you hadn't." and I did. I might never get the courage back to do something like that again.

Alice glared at me and then jumped out my window after saying, "You just don't know how special you are."

If I was so damn special then why did they leave. If i was so important why couldn't they have just stayed. If they cared so much about me why did they even come to Forks. My life would be normal if they didn't exist.