Summary: Should anyone ever look up the word paragon in the dictionary, they'd find a definition similar to: a model of perfection. Right next to that particular definition, they would also undoubtedly find a picture of Sasuke Uchiha. [NaruSasu
Warnings: NaruSasu, which means yaoi. You have been warned. Other than that, the same warnings apply.
A/N: All righty. First of all, how was everyone's Christmas? Mine was lame, and it seems that life hasn't gotten any better since (I blame school), but that's okay.
Now, to business: It's been a long time, and I know this. Sorry, but you were forewarned, so no complaining. I don't know how well this chapter actually turned out, but I tried to get their pasts revealed- or at least one of theirs. The thing is that I made it up as I went, so this chapter is most likely a far cry from a paragon.
One last thing: this chapter will probably be mostly dialogue. Hope that's not a problem.
Paragon
Chapter Eight
Author: Alley-Oop
It's nearly mid-afternoon before Sasuke and I actually get up and around- fully clothed and ready to hit the road.
"I'm starving!" I declare, hearing my stomach complain. If you listened to it closely, you could almost hear it say, "Feed me, you bitch!" (I have a mouthy stomach, apparently.)
"And whose fault is that?" Sasuke asks, tugging on his shoes.
"My body's. Where're you going?" I feel slightly frantic at the thought of Sasuke leaving.
"I want to get out for a while."
"Get out where?" I fold my arms across my chest, sincerely curious. Why would Sasuke want to leave? Surely he isn't sick of me already?
"I don't know. Just go for a walk, I suppose. You can come. Maybe we could go to the café up town?"
It's really a superb idea, so I waste no time in putting my shoes on and following him out the door.
"One question," I say. I'm really looking forward to going on a walk with Sasuke, but… "Why do we have to walk? Don't you have a car?"
"Yes, I do- and a very nice one, at that- but, I don't know, sometimes I just like to walk. It makes me feel normal, like I belong somewhere."
Oh? This was quickly turning into a potentially revealing, soul-searching conversation. "What do you mean?"
Sasuke sighs. Obviously he doesn't like to be overly pestered, but sometimes I can't help myself. Just for the effect, I offer him an angelic smile, and I know it works. I can practically see his resolve crumble as he lets his shoulders slump just the slightest. (Only I would ever care to notice such a small, discreet action.)
"I mean that I feel like I belong when I'm walking with other people. It means I don't have to be the perfect son, or the rich asshole, or the cool friend that hosts all the parties. When I'm walking, it's just the air, the concrete, my thoughts, and me. There's no need to be something I'm not, or something superior to others. I'm just a human like everyone else, doing what humans do. Get it?"
I do, yet I don't. Why does Sasuke feel like he has to fake to fit in? It makes zero sense to me. Maybe it's just because I practically worship the ground he walks on, but still… No one should have to pretend, and certainly not Sasuke. He's perfect the way he is- the definition of a paragon. He's a walking, talking, thinking, and heart-snatching hottie of flawlessness.
Apparently he sees my lack of understanding written on my face.
"Look, never mind. It's not important. I just like walking, okay?"
"Okay." I can handle that. I know a dismissal when I hear one, and that topic was officially dismissed. We are silent for a little while, but I don't like it very much. Talking about nothing seems so much better than this repressing silence that's lingering about. Better yet, we could actually talk about something. The conversation doesn't have to be pointless, and that's the beauty of the thing.
I kinda feel like Sasuke is putting up a wall between us now, too, and I don't want that. In fact, I would enjoy nothing more than the opposite: for him to open up to me.
"What do you think about when you're walking?" I ask. The question is harmless enough- I hope- so with any luck Sasuke will answer.
"Whatever I want." Sasuke smirks at me with those perfectly symmetrical, pink lips of his, and I feel myself falling head over heels all over again. This is why I fell so hard to begin with- his wit, his smile, his confidence (easily mistaken as cockiness). Everything about him makes me want him.
But, in some senses, he's still a mystery. I have so many questions about everything. What is his family like? How did Kiba come into his life? There are so many things that I could ask him, but I don't want to. His mystery is part of his appeal. On the other hand, though, I want so badly to ask. I don't want to destroy what we've built up (especially after this morning's issues), yet I feel like I deserve to know… right?
"What about you? What do you think about?" Sasuke asks.
I look at him square in the face and grin, raising my eyebrows.
"Dobe," he says, and looks away, trying to stifle a smile.
"I was kidding," I say, a smile still outlining my mouth.
"Mm-hmm."
"Seriously!" I retort. The Uchiha says nothing, but stops walking suddenly. I stop next to him before realizing that the walky-thing on the opposite side of the street is holding up a red hand.
The day is nice. I'm just now noticing this, but I'm glad that I did. The sun is shining brilliantly, and the wind is tousling Sasuke's and my hair. I lift my face to the sky, letting my wild hair flop over my eyes, only to be lifted by the caressing breeze. Nature is such a beautiful cycle- everything happens for a reason. There aren't as many complications as there always seem to be involved with everything else. It's like this: Oh, that rabbit ate that plant? Well, that's okay because that rabbit's going to get eaten by that fox, which will be eaten eventually also. It's the perfect cycle, and I hope it never ends, because everyone's lives need something concrete, something solid- an anchor. Like gravity. Gravity is a constant. You can rely on it to be there, no matter what direction life shifts, gravity will always be tugging you towards the earth. There's even gravity on the moon, or on Mars, it just isn't as strong of a force there as it is here.
"What are you thinking about?" Sasuke asks, tugging my arm. I just now realize that he must have been leading me for a while, seeing as we're in town now. I reclaim my arm, stuffing my hands into the pockets of my jeans.
"Nature. Gravity."
"Interesting. What about them?"
I feel myself clamming up. He would think I was stupid if I told him. I couldn't.
"It's nothing."
Sasuke clicks his tongue at me, which makes me feel kind of angry for some reason. It's like he's reprimanding me with that simple little noise, as if he's all-wise and knows that I'm lying or something. "It can't be nothing, moron. You just told me. Nature and gravity."
For whatever reason, an idea unloads on me like a ton of bricks. "Let's play a game."
His eyes narrow at me suspiciously, as if I were a thief and he were a sultan or something. "O-kay…?"
"Alright. We're going to play the truth game. One of asks a question, and the other person has to answer it truthfully. Then the other person gets to ask."
"What's the point of the game? How do you win?" Of course Sasuke, the ever-competitive Uchiha, would have to ask.
"The point is to get to know each other. You win if the other person lies or refuses to answer." Why didn't I think of this so much sooner?
"But how can you tell if the other person is lying?"
"You can't. But it's the truth game. The whole purpose is eliminated if you lie."
"Okay, but I want to go first." I nod my approval. He hesitates for a moment before asking, "What happened to your parents?"
Yikes. He had to bust the big one on the first go-round, huh? I'm very, very tempted to say pass, but then he would be more curious and I would know that he was always wondering. Also, if I answered Sasuke's question, it would give me ground to ask my own questions- the really personal ones.
He notices my hesitation, but makes no attempt to ease me out of the situation. He wants his answer, and by George, he's going to wait for one.
"Well, it's kind of a long story, but they died. That's what happened to them." I'm cheating with this answer, and I know it. He was expecting the whole story, but I'm not interested in talking about it now. He nods in understanding, his curiosity temporarily abated. My turn.
"What happened between you and Kiba?" I've been dying to find out.
Sasuke hisses through his teeth nearly inaudibly, but I'm so tuned in to hear his answer that I pick up on it. Now I just have to figure out if it's a hiss of anger, or one of pain, or both.
"I knew that was coming. Um… we grew up together. We hooked up when we were- God, how old were we? - fourteen. Anyway, it went downhill from there. End of story.
"My turn."
That answer hardly did justice to satisfy my own inquisitiveness, and I instantly starting thinking about what my next question would be… and what Sasuke's would be.
"Why do you care about Kiba so much?" Sasuke and I quit walking and instead just stared each other down. He's in the shade of the café we had decided to eat at before we left, and I'm standing in the afternoon sunlight.
"Because if I'm going to have to put up with his shit for as long as I'm with you, I think I deserve an explanation as to why." And isn't that the truth? I've already had to put up with a lot of crap just because I'm with Sasuke, and all of it has come from Kiba specifically. I deserve to know why I can't just be happy with the person I've been wanting for as long as I can remember, right?
Sasuke opens his mouth to say something, and then quickly shuts it again and looks away.
I wait. "Your turn," he finally says.
"Why did you and Kiba split?" Now maybe Sasuke would finally give me the details.
"Because he's a user and a selfish bastard."
"I want the story."
He sighs. "I know. I don't really want to think about it right now."
"I do. I want to know why tomorrow is going to be hell before it happens. I want to know what I got myself neck-deep in when I got involved with you."
He takes a few long moments to swallow this. "I'll answer if you promise to answer my next question completely."
He runs tough terms, but I can't help but agree. I'll finally get the story! I nod gravely, as if I'm about to walk onto a battlefield or something equally dramatic.
"Um… okay, but can we at least go inside?" Sasuke looks nearly frantic, like he wants to just run, but at the same time he looks very composed. It's strange how just his eyes give the impression that he's- if I'm reading the emotion right- scared to tell me. God, my curiosity is killing me. There is no way that I could ever want to hear anything more.
"Yeah, sure." I get to the door first, and hold it open for the Uchiha to make his entrance. He does so quietly, without looking at me. I wonder what all goes through that pretty little head of his. Probably some really deep shit, that's what. Not that I'm judging. Last I checked, that's still God's duty, and it's still a responsibility that I don't want.
Sasuke goes straight to a booth in the back of the café, and I follow quietly, nearly shaking with anticipation. As terrible as it is, I know this is going to be good, and it makes me excited to hear it. (Not excited in my pants- although just looking at Sasuke too closely sometimes has that effect- fortunately.)
I take my seat across from the Uchiha and set my elbows on the polished wood, my chin resting on my closed fists. I wait patiently for Sasuke to begin, although it's killing me to do so. C'mon, out with it already!
He clears his throat. "Okay. Uh… Kiba and me were neighbors when we were really little, so it made sense for us to hang out. We were best friends, and totally inseparable. Wherever he went, I went, and vise versa.
"We hooked up way later, when we were both fourteen. It wasn't a big deal, really. I had realized that I wasn't really attracted to girls so much the year before." Sasuke's glaring intently at his hands, as if it's all their fault that he has to explain all of this now. To put it bluntly, he looks pissed off. And, of course, this pisses me off, because I deserve to know, and he's going to answer whether he likes it or not. However, I keep this to myself and continue to listen.
"Remember, this was back before he turned into the dick he is now. This was when he was sweet and took me out to movies and bought me flowers- even though I always hated them and threw them away. It was easy to fall for him when he laid on the charm." Sasuke looks kind of far away, but still pissed off. It makes my stomach twist in knots to hear about Sasuke with anyone else, but, as usual, I keep my emotions and reactions in check.
"Anyway, um... we were together towards the end of eighth grade, when Kiba started hanging out with his new friends. I don't know exactly what they told him, but I guess they were teasing him for being a virgin or whatever. They didn't know that he was gay, or that we were together, so to them it wasn't really a big deal. But Kiba took it all to heart. He just wanted to fit in with the cool crowd, I suppose."
Sasuke stops suddenly, as if trying to piece together how to say what was coming next. I tremble in anticipation. This has got to be what I've been waiting to hear, right? The brunette takes a deep breath, and then finally looks up to meet my eyes. He no longer looks angry, but sad, maybe a bit nervous, and resigned.
"I've never told anybody this, Naruto." His voice isn't so even now. I hear it jump the slightest octave before it calms itself. He clears his throat again.
"So, um, eighth grade. I wasn't very tough- I avoided conflict and let others make decisions for me. But I was smart. And I had goals, none of which included sex, honestly. But Kiba…" He trails off. I wonder if he's possibly just trying to drag this out before he tells me, but I get the feeling that every word he says is important.
"He waited a few weeks before he asked me if I was ready to take the next step. I told him no, I wasn't. At fourteen, that's kind of a big thing. Normal kids aren't even in high school at fourteen. It's just too young to get into that kind of stuff because- even though there's no risk of pregnancy between two guys- there are always STDs and all that crap. God, fourteen… I hardly even masturbated in eighth grade, and here Kiba was asking me if I wanted to fuck him." Somewhere through this spew, Sasuke has turned sideways in the booth so that his back is against the wall and his legs are up on the seat, his feet dangling off the end. He rarely looks at me as he tells his tale, but I don't mind overly.
"Well, he let it be for a while. But I noticed that he wasn't always around me as much. We didn't go see the newest movie every weekend, but instead every other weekend. He stopped buying me flowers, not that I really missed them, but it was the thought that counted for me. I was afraid that our relationship- or, more importantly, our friendship- was going down the drain. So the next time he asked me about having sex, I said I'd think about it. I really didn't want to, but I really didn't want to lose Kiba either." Sasuke sighs. "Plus I was scared. I didn't like the thought of a guy's dick up my ass, because I knew that with Kiba, there was no way I could be top. I was always too submissive…"
"Anyway, I thought about it, and decided that, if it would save what we had lost so far, then maybe I should. After all, it couldn't be that bad, right? So I told him I would. And we did. It was awful. Neither of us really knew how to… ya know. It was painful and awful. I cried all night after he left. It was my first time, and I was determined to make it my last.
"But it didn't work out that way. Kiba had liked it, and he didn't bother to ask my opinion. I thought that maybe it was just so bad because it was the first time. So we tried again, and I hated it again. But we had figured it out a little more, so it wasn't as bad.
"I kept convincing myself that it would get better, and eventually it did. It felt great, actually. The only reason I even stayed with Kiba was because of the sex. But eventually, when I realized it, I knew it was time to call it quits. So I did, and Kiba was furious. He didn't believe that it was over, no matter how I tried to explain it or tell it to him. After I broke up with him, he practically stalked me everywhere. It made me nervous, because my parents started to notice, and they had no idea what had happened."
Sasuke pauses again. He takes a deep breath, then another, before he continues.
"It was over the summer before sophomore year that the real shit happened. Kiba harassed me over the phone, and through email. I never told anybody, even though I wanted to. I hadn't even come out about being gay, so how would people react to the whole situation with Kiba? Probably not very well."
Throughout this whole thing, I can tell Sasuke is losing himself. When he started, he was nervous, careful about his words. Now his eyes are glazed over and he's talking so fast that I can barely keep up. I don't interrupt, but I'm starting to get worried.
"I saw him at a party once. There was alcohol, lots of it, and before I really realized it, I was drunk off my ass. I mean I was totally crocked. And who just happened to notice? Kiba. He was completely sober, too, which just made the whole thing that much worse.
"I was having a tough time holding my alcohol. I actually puked once, I think. Anyway, Kiba was suddenly there, holding me, telling me that he could make me feel better. I remember that he smelled really good. He kept… I don't know, stroking my face with the back of his hand. It felt good, and I had missed him. Before I could come to grips with what he was actually doing, he led me into a back bedroom, and laid me down on the bed." I'm starting to feel sick myself. The bathroom scenario from last week doesn't even compare to this story.
"I eventually figured out what he was doing when we both suddenly had no clothes on, and… I started yelling, I think. He pinned my wrists with one hand, then covered my mouth with the other…" I really want to tell Sasuke to stop now, because I can figure out the rest, but something in me wants to hear it. Maybe, if I know the details, I can hate Kiba just as much as Sasuke does. Maybe he can share that burden with me. Besides, I don't think I could even stop Sasuke now; he's so far out of it.
"I don't remember much after that except for the pain. It wasn't really physical pain, but emotional and mental." Sasuke chuckles darkly. "I sound like a girl…" He pauses and takes a breath, then sighs, obviously not used to telling this particular story to anyone. "Anyway, he had taken advantage of me, and it hurt."
Sasuke laughs bleakly again. "That's what happened between me and Kiba."
I'm regretting asking him about all of this, and pressuring him into telling me when he said he didn't want to talk about it. After all, he didn't push me to explain about my parents- or lack thereof. I shouldn't have pressed him so hard to talk about this.
He blinks a few times, as if he had been zoning out and had just realized it. My stomach is churning painfully with all the knowledge that Sasuke just gave me. And, to put the cherry on top, I was the only one he'd ever told. He had been used- and more- by Kiba. He had lived with that for a long time.
Somehow, through all of this, I get the feeling that he's not exactly telling me something, but how would I know? I'm probably just going insane.
Sasuke finally looks up at me. His eyes are hard, angry. I think that it's just that he's upset with his past and what Kiba did to him, but what he says next stuns me.
"Are you happy now, Naruto? You know my biggest secret. You finally know what happened between me and Kiba. You wanted to know, and now you do. I hope it serves you well." Then he's getting up. My brain doesn't think to respond until he's leaving. He sprints out the door of the café, causing the bells above the door to tinkle in an almost maniac way that seems to mock me.
Then I'm up, racing after him, ignoring the gnawing in my stomach- whether from hunger or the thought of losing Sasuke, I'm not sure. I realize that there's no way I can catch up to him at the pace he's going. His jacket flutters behind him like a cape as he rounds the corner a whole block ahead of me. "Damnit!" I mumble to myself, looking down at the sidewalk in disgust. What I'm disgusted with, I'm not really sure. Probably a mixture of things.
Somehow, I'll talk to Sasuke; I'll make him understand how much I really love him. I force myself to hope that this can still turn into a fairy tale ending even though it seems like the pages of this book- my life- are being ripped apart.
I can be his knight in shining armor…
I hope.
A/N: This was really long. And probably very boring.
Anyway, I know that this is the crappiest chapter yet. Sasuke opens up way too much. In fact, my OOC Sasuke is even OOC. I have an OOC OOC. But, I really just wanted to get Sasuke's story out there for you guys. This chapter is actually the product of about 3 do-overs, because that's how bad it was to begin with, if you can imagine.
If you would like to tell me how much this chapter sucked, please feel free to do so in a non-flame-like format. Thanks, and sorry for the long wait and shitty chapter!
And, for the love of Christ, if you have any ideas for Naruto's past, give 'em up!
