Authors note: In case you didn't noticed, I actually posted a few chapters before this one. I figured if I was making this New Moon from Edward's perspective, I might as well start from the beginning. If you've already been reading this story, please reread the first three chapters. They're new.
For once I didn't have to exercise my patience. I could wait forever to do what I was about to do.
Ever since I had fallen in love with Bella there were three things that I had never wanted to do. One was to condemn her to the same life as mine. The second was to kill her. The last, the one I thought least possible, was to leave her…and I was about to.
"She's not going to take this well, Edward. I can only see so far, because the rest is her choice, and she doesn't know that you're going to do this. But what I can see isn't that good," Alice had warned me before she left. "It doesn't have to be this way," she had said somewhere in there.
And then as I stood there in her driveway I knew that Alice was right. At least partially. There was no other way. That part she had been wrong about. But it did really pain me to do this. Nearly one hundred years of waiting and I finally found her. Of course after the best six months an immortal could ask for, I was going to push her away. I was strong enough now. I had to be. For her.
It finally dawned on me: the one thing that would be worse than me leaving her. If she really did move on. Though I wanted that for her, I didn't want that for myself. All of this would be so much easier (if I survived it) if I was always sure that I had her heart. Like there really was no goodbye. I was sure, however, that she would never forgive me if she ever found out that my feelings had never changed, when I was about to tell her otherwise.
Her truck pulled up net to my Volvo. Oddly enough, I was going to miss that damn truck. Its internal speed limit that always meant more time with Bella, the loud roar that made her jump after riding with me. Everything about it revolved around her.
Bella stepped out of her truck. I took her bag and placed it on her seat.
"Come for a walk with me," I simply requested, offering her my hand. She took it hesitantly, her eyes held a touch of panic. She knew something pivotal was about to happen. My still heart dropped. This would hurt me so much more than it would her.
I led her into the forest. I couldn't look her in the eye. That would have killed me if simply doing this didn't. I stopped in plain view of her house and leaned against a tree, trying to figure out how to start. I had thought about this for days, and yet I still hadn't worked out a beginning. Luckily, or unluckily I should say, she started for me.
"Okay, let's talk," she said.
I took a deep breath.
"Bella, we're leaving," I began.
The rest of the conversation went by in a blur. I shouldn't have regarded it like that. My last minutes with Bella, but it was too painful for concentration. The words flew out of my mouth in response to her painful questions. "I mean my family and myself…you can't, Bella. Where we're going…it's not the right place for you…I'm no good for you, Bella…My world is not for you…Bella, I don't want you to come with me…I've let this go on much too long…You're not good for me, Bella."
The part of the conversation that stood out with distinct clarity was the part that I brought up for my sake, not for hers
"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I requested.
"Anything," she swore, clearly desperate to win me back, not knowing that she had never lost my love.
"Don't to anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I wondered. I miserably failed at keeping this phrase emotionless. Last spring I had witnessed how much my existence would be impossible if her life ceased. She nodded, losing all hope. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him," I added, trying to cover for my lack of indifference in the previous line.
"I will," she whispered. I hoped she didn't notice the slight easing up on my tension. At least she promised. Anything that happened to her wouldn't be her own fault.
"And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again," I swore, intensity burning inside me. If I wasn't here, I couldn't hurt her anymore, right? "You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed," I assured her. That was what I wanted for her; to go on with her life, without me. "Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind," I stated, hoping that last part was true. Everything grew back into bits and pieces…
"I won't forget. But my kind…we're very easily distracted…That's everything I suppose. We won't bother you again……………Goodbye, Bella," I finally spat out. I leaned down and kissed her forehead softly for a moment only. I didn't want it to be so brief, but she needed to move on. How could I have even left her hanging with what I did? With that little kiss?
"Take care of yourself."
I didn't stay to see where she went. Alice said she was going to run.
It was a good thing that she tried to follow me though. She wouldn't have been able to see that my car was still in the driveway. Even with my speed, I wouldn't have had time to hid the birthday gifts and the pictures under her floorboards.
I realized, a little too late, however, that I had forgotten about the stereo. So much for no reminders. On the road, a few hot shots noted my speed and tried to race me. When I detected the cops, I let them speed ahead for about a mile, and then picked my pace back up. All the police the rest of the way were too busy writing my little friends tickets for speeding and racing to chase me. It would have amused me if I wasn't so depressed. I made a mental note that this would have been a great strategy to quickly take care of cops last spring when –
NO! I couldn't think about that. I couldn't think about her. Nothing good would ever come of that. Even this instant I felt my hands begin to steer the wheel to turn around and wipe away the tears from her cheeks. The tears that I myself had caused.
At that moment her face flashed into my mind. Not the smiling, enthusiastic, curious Bella that I loved with ever ounce of my being, but the terrified broken, confused Bella that I had left behind me. The Bella that I wanted to permanently remove from my mind. I would rather the beautiful, exuberant Bella had died (peacefully), than for this hideous creature disguised as the reason for my existence to have lived at all, that's how painful it was to look at. To see her in that much pain made me feel even more horrid about myself.
Emmett and Rosalie had gone back to Africa. Rosalie really disgusted me. She was thrilled that Bella would no longer be an inconvenience to her, though she pitied my unhappiness. Alice and Jasper were in Denali. Jasper had been there for a while, and Alice had followed suit soon after our fight. As far as I was concerned, we still weren't talking.
Of course Alice would forsee my depression and notify Carlisle and Emse. Esme called to comfort me and I strung out an uncharacteristic trail of profanities. At that point, Carlisle seized the phone out of Esme's hands.
"Now, Edward, that's not really appropriate," Carlisle began. "You know she was just –"
"I don't care!" I announced. "You try it! You try living without her," I challenged, referring to the soul mate that he would never have to leave behind. "Don't even try to tell me that it's different. The ratio is about the same amount. You waited four hundred years and have had her for how many? A little less than a hundred. I've waited at least ninety years if you don't count my human life, and I'd only been with Bella for…six…months," I almost couldn't finish the sentence. Pain welled in my chest and it hurt to breathe, which, once again, was really ironic.
"Edward I don't think this was right. You'll probably end up drawing attention to us. The Volturi know how close our family has been. They might wonder why we're separating and when Jane seeps the truth out of one of us…Bella will probably be no better off…" Carlisle explained.
Just a few more miles and I'll have her, I heard. I didn't recognize the voice, but I knew the scent. James, your revenge shall be taken.
I never realized how fond Victoria had been of James. This complicated things. I killed her mate. Now she wanted mine. The mental images she made scared me more than the thought of her just killing Bella.
I knew that as I hung up I had left Carlisle and Esme in a heap of confusion. But I didn't care. Bella needed me.
