Authors note: In case you didn't noticed, I actually posted a few chapters before this one. I figured if I was making this New Moon from Edward's perspective, I might as well start from the beginning. If you've already been reading this story, please reread the first three chapters. They're new.


Victoria's scent didn't lead me too far this time. I barely made it across the river into Oregon.

She was a terrific swimmer, even for a vampire, I hated to say. That's what had caused me to lose her. I trudged soaking wet into Portland.

The population in Vancouver had been bad enough. Portland was slightly worse. As I walked even through the more urban parts of the city, the thirst seemed enough to paralyze me. It didn't help that I couldn't get Bella's scent out of my head. It was as if it was engraved in my mind, driving my thirst to more of a frenzy. My head buzzed with all of the hunting possibilities.

I remembered how easily I could control my thirst around Bella. Once I had become determined to not let her sweet blood tempt me, my will had always been stronger than that red-eyed monster that occasionally popped into my mind. And whenever I was with Bella, there was not a scent in the world that would compare to hers. As long as I could resist her, I could resist anyone. Temptation hadn't been an issue. Well...at least not a big one.

This was a completely different story. Even though Bella's sweet Freesia perfume would not leave my memory, she wasn't here for me to resist. There was a surplus of human blood, way more than there ever was in Forks. Nothing seemed more appealing right now than hunting.

Luckily for me, there was a small island in the middle of the Columbia River. The Glenn Jackson bridge of I-205 passed right over it. It was off-limits to pedestrians and the only road that went through it was the interstate. The island would be free of humans, with the exception of the occasional idiotic boater who wants to break the law. With the way luck had been treating me, it would be tempting fate to go there, but it was better than taking the risk of going deeper into the city.

I knew there wouldn't be anything appetizing there. Nothing that could be willing to walk across the P.D.X. runway and then swim to Government Island would be that satisfying. I mostly only found squirrels that had dared to run on the medians and edges of the bridge and the birds that flew there.

It was about this point in the river - north/south-wise, a little further east, however - that I had lost Victoria's scent. Maybe if I lingered here a while, the wind would carry me an untrustworthy, though a little helpful whiff of her. Or maybe I had just pointed my nose in the wrong direction while swimming, and she had come this way. Perhaps if I wandered around the island, I could catch a trace.

I began to wonder if - had it not been for Victoria - I would have been able to stay away even this long. I probably would have just sat in whatever car I ended up in for hours before determining whether or not I would stay. Most likely I would have let everyone go to Africa or Denali or wherever the hell they wanted to go. I would make sure the house stayed abandoned, unless anyone came by, but I would hide, always watching Bella. I probably would have even asked Alice to come back once Jasper calmed down. Hell, Jasper could even come, too, if he wanted, but I would need Alice. We could put our heads together and prepare for Victoria's return.

The more I thought about it, as I fed on random birds that flew within my reach, it probably would have been safer if I had stayed. I had never tested my tracking abilities before. Why risk Bella's life to just attempt now? I had never been so careless in my existence, and this was the one time that it had really mattered. Because now, anything that would happen to her would be my fault, because I let in happen. Even if she got so depressed that she committed suicide, whatever she did to herself wasn't there to stop her. And anything that anyone else would do to her would be marked on me because I had left her, abandoned her, to have tried preventing it herself.

And if I had stayed, I could see her face, even from a distance. My enhanced ears would be able to pick up the small sounds that somehow carried my life from day to day, her voice, her heartbeat, her breathing. I would climb up her window each night and eavesdrop on her sleep-talking like I had since the day that I realized I loved her. I could hear her dream about me...if I hadn't disappeared from her dreams like I had from her life. And even from miles away, I could probably feel that burn that always meant the focal point from my life still existed. The pain from Bella's scent. I would welcome the pain like it was the highest pleasure, because I couldn't be near her: she thought I didn't want her. So her smell would be the closest thing to having her by my side.

"Moping are we?" came the shrill, high-pitched, unwelcome voice that told me that havoc was still wreaking in my world. Suddenly I realized havoc would always wreak as long as I was without Bella.

Victoria stared at me from the ground. I was about twenty feet above in a tree branch, waiting for more birds, or the occasional squirrel.

Damn it. I had been careless again. As she had stated, I was moping. Too busy moping to have noticed that I was right. Too busy to smell her out. I had been careless while swimming and she had come here...only her mind showed that she was searching for what I had tried to avoid this entire time. She had come here to hunt, too. But she had the idiotic boaters in mind.

Something did trigger my reflexes though. Why would Victoria be stopping for a pointless little chat? She wouldn't have to have my ability to know that I wanted to kill her. Why would she risk me tearing her to shreds when she paused for even the slightest moment? A thousand predictions spun through my head.

She's planning to trick you. She's planning to use your depressed state to win a mind game. She didn't expect you here and she needs to trick you in order to escape again. Maybe she's trying to distract you. Maybe this was her plan the entire time: to lure you away from Bella so that someone else could capture Bella so that she could return and torture her herself. You thought it yourself, you probably would have stayed. Maybe she knew that. This is just a diversion. Or...Bella's already dead.

Of course, just like the conclusion I jumped to when I thought it had been Victoria kicking me in the gut, my mind would jump to the possibility that the fight was over. At least the fight for her protection. The fight for her vengeance would not be over until either she was dead. Even if I was killed in this battle, my family would come to avenge both Bella and myself.

"Just tell me she's dead and leave. I don't want to hear any details. I'll end up seeing them in your head anyway," I instructed, preparing for the worst of images to pop into my mind.

"As much as I would like to, I don't want to lie to you, especially when I see you suffer. It makes this all the more fun. When I get to her, not only will I have won vengeance for James, but I will have won against you. That'll be more reward than just killing the girl. Because you had been so ignorant to fall for such a hunted thing, James is dead. If you had never fought to protect her in the first place, we would have had her last Spring. Knowing that I had succeeded in the task that had killed James will mean more than just his vengeance. But thanks for that tip about you seeing things. It'll work to my advantage," she rambled.

I saw immediately how she planned to do it. And unfortunately, it worked. As she ran for the water, I slowly became crippled with the images she was sending me. Image after image she showed me multiple ways that she could kill Bella. She had more than just one, and she couldn't decide which was more enjoyable.

Even though I had told her not to interfere, I hoped Alice was seeing each of these as Victoria planned them. If she was still in Denali, then she wouldn't be too far from Bella. I remembered escaping there after that first day in Biology class with Bella. It hadn't taken me long to get there, I hadn't been running to protect something as precious as Bella was. Like Alice had seen in her visions after I had fallen for Bella, they had become the best of friends. Alice came second only to me, maybe third to her father, but her eagerness to leave him behind and join a life with me made me question that. Alice would save Bella...or attempt.

Eventually, another blow reached my gut, knocking me out of the tree. It shouldn't have hurt when I fell, but it did. That damn misery again. I was crippled enough as it was by that, and now I had Victoria's images engraved into my head: Bella, mingled, broken, drained, never to blush that beautiful shade of scarlet ever again. On to a heaven that I could never reach.

For once, there was a voice in my head that didn't belong to a tangible person. It wasn't my conscience, sounding like Carlisle as it generally did, and it wasn't the monster that always told me to drain Bella myself, either. It was the self that I had been moments ago, the self that I had been last Spring. Defensive, wanting me to act ride away to protect the only thing that I would willingly give my life for.

You damn fool. What good are you doing her by lying there? You're pathetic. You saw yourself killing her millions of different ways when you first met her. What does that show about you? That didn't cripple you. Does that mean that it's okay for you to plan her death but Victoria can't? That only proves that the monster eventually will come out.

That's different. I stopped myself. I reasoned with the voice. I left to make sure I didn't. I am not that monster.

But you're not stopping Victoria now? You must be as selfish as you always tell Bella you are. You'd rather have Victoria kill her so that you don't have to feel guilty about causing her death.

You don't think I would feel guilty?

Now you're thinking! The voice congratulated. You see what I'm telling you. You need to go after her. As guilty as you'll feel if she dies because of this, you'll probably feel better if you at least tried.

Yeah. I scoffed sarcastically. Tried and failed. How will that make me feel.

What about "try and succeed?" You're fast. The fastest. You proved that last Spring. If you trace her path going towards Forks, you'll beat her there, no matter what her head start is. And you thought of Alice yourself. There are others possibly close that you could reach, even if for some unfathomable reason, you can't make it in time. The voice justified. And what about the Quiluetes? With your family away, vampires are fair game for them.

That's over. The line died with Ephraim Black.

So you're going to leave Bella unprotected?

The voice said the words I needed to get me going. Bella. Unprotected. My fault. All of this was my fault. If I had never left, I wouldn't have chased Victoria away. My family would have been there, and we would have all fought for Bella together. This was my doing, and I had to set it right.