Scene 3
Setting: Magical Feudal Era InuYashaLand
(Everyone just came back from that big huge fight which I was too lazy to write and is now taking a rest uh… somewhere. Kagome is using this time to study for her exams, which is what I really should be doing right now. Anyway…)
Kagome: This is impossible. I'm going to fail math. Do any of you know what a bisector is?
Miroku: A bisector is someone who's attracted to both men and women.
Kagome: Miroku, that's bisexual.
Miroku: I'm offended by that.
(suddenly, Kagura walks onstage. InuYasha notices her.)
InuYasha: Holy shit, it's Kagura!
Kagura: (holding up her hands.) No, no. I want Naraku dead. How can I help?
Miroku: You can start by bearing my child.
Kagura: I will bear your child when you burn in the deepest pit of the seventh hell.
Sango: I like her… when she's not kicking my ass.
Miroku: Your soft and tender ass.
Sango: (pissed off) Kirara… fetch.
(Kirara chases a terrified Miroku offstage)
InuYasha: So Kagura, why the sudden change of heart?
Kagura: I hate working for Naraku! If I have to listen to another one of his 'Because I'm evil' episodes again, I am going to jump off a fucking cliff!
InuYasha: I don't trust you.
Kagura: (traumatized) He tap-danced for gods sake. Pity me…
(Kagura immediately reverts back to her old self. Her back up dancer / dead people join in with her dance in the following song)
Kagura:
I hate that bastard though he's tall/ He really drives me up the wall/ With his fucking tap-dancing and all/ I can't wait to watch him fall/
Kagome: So you want Naraku dead just as much as we do.
Kagura: Exactly.
Kagura:
Any enemy of my enemy's a friend of mine/ And I can't wait to see that bastard die/ I can't wait to see his ass/ Lying face down in the grass/ Yeah, I can't wait to see that bastard die/
The difference between my life and the darkest pits of hell/ Is so goddamn negligible, you couldn't even tell/ And it's pretty justifiable that I'd want to rebel/ And beating the shit out of him sounds like it would go pretty well/
He doesn't even have a clue/ That I would betray him to you/ He thinks I'm with Sesshomaru/
InuYasha: (confuzzeled) What?!
Kagura:
Anyway… back to Naraku./
Inuyasha: Wait what was that about Sesshomaru?
Kagura:
I hate that bastard though he's tall/ He really drives me up the wall/ With his fucking tap-dancing and all/ I can't wait to watch him fall/
Any enemy of my enemy's a friend of mine/ And I can't wait to see that bastard die/ He's given me so much strife/ Just the look on his face will make my life/ God, I can't wait to see that bastard die/
I won't deny it, You know I'll laugh/ When InuYasha Windscars his sorry ass/ Just picture it. That's gonna be a blast/ That asshole got what was coming to him at last/
I hate that bastard though he's tall/ He really drives me up the wall/ With his fucking tap-dancing and all/ I can't wait to watch him fall/
I can't wait to see his ass/ Lying face down in the grass/
He's given me so much strife/ Just the look on his face'll make my life/
(Kagura loses control. Still singing, she goes on a wild rant and ends up slicing down a tree)
InuYasha: Are you okay?
Kagura: Yeah, sorry, I just got sort of carried away
InuYasha: Okay…
Kagura:
I can't wait to see that fucker die!
Shippo:(hugging on to Kagome) She's scary.
(Myoga the flea enters. Of course we can't see him, because he's just a small little flea. InuYasha smacks him / smacks the side of his face.)
InuYasha: Well, look who it is, Myoga the flea.
Myoga: Master InuYasha, I…
InuYasha:Where the hell were you when we fought that last demon?
Myoga: Well, I…
InuYasha: You really suck.
Myoga: Of course, I'm a flea.
Kagura: Hello? I'm not trying to be a bitch here but don't we have to get back to the plot? You know, epic battle with Naraku and all?
Myoga: An epic battle, you say?
InuYasha: Oh yeah.
Myoga: Look over there, it's Kikyo!
Kagome: Kikyo?
Sango: Kikyo?
Kagura: Kikyo.
(everyone stares at Kagura)
Kagura: Yeah, I said it, you got a problem with that.
(everyone, being afraid of Kagura, shakes their head 'no' vigourously)
InuYasha: Oh right, like Kikyo is actually standing right behind me. You're just going to run away while I'm distracted. What do you think I am? Stupid or something? I'm not gonna fall for that old…
(Kikyo enters)
Kikyo: Hey.
InuYasha: Wait, aren't you supposed to be dead?
Kagome: Yeah, you died, didn't you?
Miroku: Nevertheless, will you…
Sango: (coughs) Necrophiliac (coughs)
InuYasha: Seriously, Miroku, is that all you think about?
Miroku: At least I know what I want.
InuYasha: What do you mean?
(Walks centerstage and clears his throat)
Miroku: (mocking tone) I'm InuYasha. I love you Kikyo! No wait, now I love Kagome. Now I love Kikyo. Now I love Kagome, Now I love Kikyo, Now I love Kagome…
InuYasha: (punches Miroku in the head) Can it!
Miroku: Owww…
Sango: Serves you right for hitting on Kikyo.
Kikyo: Speaking of me, this is my scene, isn't it?
(Kikyo takes out her bow and arrow)
InuYasha: Shit!
Kikyo: I want to compromise.
InuYasha: Compromise?
Kikyo: Yes. Give me the Shikon Jewel shards (points her arrow at Kagome) or she dies.
InuYasha: Yeah, some compromise.
Kagome: Yeah, ummm… about that…well, you see, we don't have any.
Kikyo: What?!
Kagome: Naraku took them!
Kikyo: You've got to be kidding me!
Kagome: Sorry.
Kagura: You know what. This bitch is starting to piss me off. They've got a point. Why won't you die?
Kagura:
Why won't you die/ No one knows why/ Why are you alive/
Miroku:
She has a point/ Not many people die/ And then survive/
Kagome:
It would solve a lot of problems/ If you weren't around/ And you stayed buried in the ground/ And you didn't make a sound/
Kikyo:
Look it's not my fault/ I shouldn't be around/
Kikyo: I was cremated for god's sake!
Kikyo:
People just seem to like raising me from the dead/ I don't know why it's me all the time, They should try someone else instead/
You know I've been slashed/ And I've been burned/ And even thrown off a cliff/
I'm at the same place as you I don't know why/
Everyone:
Why won't you (I) die?/
Why won't you (I) die?/
Kikyo:
Honest to goodness I don't know why/
Everyone:
Why won't you (I) die?/
Kikyo:
Why won't I die?/
Kagura:
Why won't you die/ No one knows why/ Why are you alive/
Miroku:
She has a point/ Not many people die/ And then survive/
Kagome:
It would solve a lot of problems/ If you weren't around/ And you stayed buried in the ground/ And you didn't make a sound/
Everyone:
Why won't you (I) die?/
Why won't you (I) die?/
Why won't you (I) die?/
Why won't you (I) die?/
Kagura:
Why won't you just fucking die?/
Miroku: (sarcastic) Oh sure, let's play 'How many times we can swear in one sentence?'.
InuYasha: Yeah, a swear fight. Sango, you're first!
Sango: Me, Okay. You bitch, just die dammit!
InuYasha: Godammit, you fucking bitch why won't you fucking die?
Shippo: Holy crap, you suck.
InuYasha: You lose.
Kagura: Holy fucking shit, why won't you just enter the seventh hell and goddamn leave us the hell alone, you whore, douchebag, son of a bitch jackass!
Miroku: (flabbergasted) I need to go pray now.
InuYasha: Wow. You win, Kagura.
Kagura: We were playing a game?
(everyone shrugs)
Everyone:
Why won't you die?
Kikyo: Well, I'm off to find Naraku and get those Jewel shards, because, frankly, I don't feel very wanted here.
