Scene 3

Setting: Magical Feudal Era InuYashaLand

(Everyone just came back from that big huge fight which I was too lazy to write and is now taking a rest uh… somewhere. Kagome is using this time to study for her exams, which is what I really should be doing right now. Anyway…)

Kagome: This is impossible. I'm going to fail math. Do any of you know what a bisector is?

Miroku: A bisector is someone who's attracted to both men and women.

Kagome: Miroku, that's bisexual.

Miroku: I'm offended by that.

(suddenly, Kagura walks onstage. InuYasha notices her.)

InuYasha: Holy shit, it's Kagura!

Kagura: (holding up her hands.) No, no. I want Naraku dead. How can I help?

Miroku: You can start by bearing my child.

Kagura: I will bear your child when you burn in the deepest pit of the seventh hell.

Sango: I like her… when she's not kicking my ass.

Miroku: Your soft and tender ass.

Sango: (pissed off) Kirara… fetch.

(Kirara chases a terrified Miroku offstage)

InuYasha: So Kagura, why the sudden change of heart?

Kagura: I hate working for Naraku! If I have to listen to another one of his 'Because I'm evil' episodes again, I am going to jump off a fucking cliff!

InuYasha: I don't trust you.

Kagura: (traumatized) He tap-danced for gods sake. Pity me…

(Kagura immediately reverts back to her old self. Her back up dancer / dead people join in with her dance in the following song)

Kagura:

I hate that bastard though he's tall/ He really drives me up the wall/ With his fucking tap-dancing and all/ I can't wait to watch him fall/

Kagome: So you want Naraku dead just as much as we do.

Kagura: Exactly.

Kagura:

Any enemy of my enemy's a friend of mine/ And I can't wait to see that bastard die/ I can't wait to see his ass/ Lying face down in the grass/ Yeah, I can't wait to see that bastard die/

The difference between my life and the darkest pits of hell/ Is so goddamn negligible, you couldn't even tell/ And it's pretty justifiable that I'd want to rebel/ And beating the shit out of him sounds like it would go pretty well/

He doesn't even have a clue/ That I would betray him to you/ He thinks I'm with Sesshomaru/

InuYasha: (confuzzeled) What?!

Kagura:

Anyway… back to Naraku./

Inuyasha: Wait what was that about Sesshomaru?

Kagura:

I hate that bastard though he's tall/ He really drives me up the wall/ With his fucking tap-dancing and all/ I can't wait to watch him fall/

Any enemy of my enemy's a friend of mine/ And I can't wait to see that bastard die/ He's given me so much strife/ Just the look on his face will make my life/ God, I can't wait to see that bastard die/

I won't deny it, You know I'll laugh/ When InuYasha Windscars his sorry ass/ Just picture it. That's gonna be a blast/ That asshole got what was coming to him at last/

I hate that bastard though he's tall/ He really drives me up the wall/ With his fucking tap-dancing and all/ I can't wait to watch him fall/

I can't wait to see his ass/ Lying face down in the grass/

He's given me so much strife/ Just the look on his face'll make my life/

(Kagura loses control. Still singing, she goes on a wild rant and ends up slicing down a tree)

InuYasha: Are you okay?

Kagura: Yeah, sorry, I just got sort of carried away

InuYasha: Okay…

Kagura:

I can't wait to see that fucker die!

Shippo:(hugging on to Kagome) She's scary.

(Myoga the flea enters. Of course we can't see him, because he's just a small little flea. InuYasha smacks him / smacks the side of his face.)

InuYasha: Well, look who it is, Myoga the flea.

Myoga: Master InuYasha, I…

InuYasha:Where the hell were you when we fought that last demon?

Myoga: Well, I…

InuYasha: You really suck.

Myoga: Of course, I'm a flea.

Kagura: Hello? I'm not trying to be a bitch here but don't we have to get back to the plot? You know, epic battle with Naraku and all?

Myoga: An epic battle, you say?

InuYasha: Oh yeah.

Myoga: Look over there, it's Kikyo!

Kagome: Kikyo?

Sango: Kikyo?

Kagura: Kikyo.

(everyone stares at Kagura)

Kagura: Yeah, I said it, you got a problem with that.

(everyone, being afraid of Kagura, shakes their head 'no' vigourously)

InuYasha: Oh right, like Kikyo is actually standing right behind me. You're just going to run away while I'm distracted. What do you think I am? Stupid or something? I'm not gonna fall for that old…

(Kikyo enters)

Kikyo: Hey.

InuYasha: Wait, aren't you supposed to be dead?

Kagome: Yeah, you died, didn't you?

Miroku: Nevertheless, will you…

Sango: (coughs) Necrophiliac (coughs)

InuYasha: Seriously, Miroku, is that all you think about?

Miroku: At least I know what I want.

InuYasha: What do you mean?

(Walks centerstage and clears his throat)

Miroku: (mocking tone) I'm InuYasha. I love you Kikyo! No wait, now I love Kagome. Now I love Kikyo. Now I love Kagome, Now I love Kikyo, Now I love Kagome…

InuYasha: (punches Miroku in the head) Can it!

Miroku: Owww…

Sango: Serves you right for hitting on Kikyo.

Kikyo: Speaking of me, this is my scene, isn't it?

(Kikyo takes out her bow and arrow)

InuYasha: Shit!

Kikyo: I want to compromise.

InuYasha: Compromise?

Kikyo: Yes. Give me the Shikon Jewel shards (points her arrow at Kagome) or she dies.

InuYasha: Yeah, some compromise.

Kagome: Yeah, ummm… about that…well, you see, we don't have any.

Kikyo: What?!

Kagome: Naraku took them!

Kikyo: You've got to be kidding me!

Kagome: Sorry.

Kagura: You know what. This bitch is starting to piss me off. They've got a point. Why won't you die?

Kagura:

Why won't you die/ No one knows why/ Why are you alive/

Miroku:

She has a point/ Not many people die/ And then survive/

Kagome:

It would solve a lot of problems/ If you weren't around/ And you stayed buried in the ground/ And you didn't make a sound/

Kikyo:

Look it's not my fault/ I shouldn't be around/

Kikyo: I was cremated for god's sake!

Kikyo:

People just seem to like raising me from the dead/ I don't know why it's me all the time, They should try someone else instead/

You know I've been slashed/ And I've been burned/ And even thrown off a cliff/

I'm at the same place as you I don't know why/

Everyone:

Why won't you (I) die?/

Why won't you (I) die?/

Kikyo:

Honest to goodness I don't know why/

Everyone:

Why won't you (I) die?/

Kikyo:

Why won't I die?/

Kagura:

Why won't you die/ No one knows why/ Why are you alive/

Miroku:

She has a point/ Not many people die/ And then survive/

Kagome:

It would solve a lot of problems/ If you weren't around/ And you stayed buried in the ground/ And you didn't make a sound/

Everyone:

Why won't you (I) die?/

Why won't you (I) die?/

Why won't you (I) die?/

Why won't you (I) die?/

Kagura:

Why won't you just fucking die?/

Miroku: (sarcastic) Oh sure, let's play 'How many times we can swear in one sentence?'.

InuYasha: Yeah, a swear fight. Sango, you're first!

Sango: Me, Okay. You bitch, just die dammit!

InuYasha: Godammit, you fucking bitch why won't you fucking die?

Shippo: Holy crap, you suck.

InuYasha: You lose.

Kagura: Holy fucking shit, why won't you just enter the seventh hell and goddamn leave us the hell alone, you whore, douchebag, son of a bitch jackass!

Miroku: (flabbergasted) I need to go pray now.

InuYasha: Wow. You win, Kagura.

Kagura: We were playing a game?

(everyone shrugs)

Everyone:

Why won't you die?

Kikyo: Well, I'm off to find Naraku and get those Jewel shards, because, frankly, I don't feel very wanted here.