Chapter Three - Claws

"If you take one from three hundred and sixty-five, what remains?"

"Three hundred and sixty-four, of course."

Humpty Dumpty looked doubtful. "I'd rather see that done on paper," he said.

---

(Lazytown, two o'clock in the afternoon)

"It - is - a - most - provoking - thing," read Robbie, "when a person doesn't know a cravat from a belt…are you asleep at last, brat? Thank God for that." He lifted her gently into her bed and tucked the quilt over her. "Now. Everyone can have a little nap…and then I'll have a look at what you can show me about the folks back home. The perfect crime." He glanced over his shoulder to be sure he was alone, then gave her a reluctant kiss on her soft cheek. "You're not so bad when you're asleep. Sweet dreams."

He settled back in the chair and closed his eyes.

-----

"This really is unbelievably good, Nick," said Ruby firmly. "Honestly. We have to get this deal done. No way I'm letting these guys take this one elsewhere."

"You sure it's scaleable?"

"Scaleable? Christ, it's - it's not even particularly expensive. It's a work of genius, is what it is, and Red Giant needs to sign up to it right now. That guy over there is going to put us so far ahead of Apple, they'll be giving away iPods on magazine covers. Forget that bloody wheel they're so god-damn smug about. Reliable voice recognition is a quantum leap better. What I'd give to have him on my team, just for six months…"

Nick looked doubtfully over at Pixel, who had just knocked a cup of cold coffee over on his lab bench. He reached for a cloth to mop it up, and a stack of blueprints spilled into the coffee. At the same time, a small red ball next to the stack of papers began a series of bleeps that sounded ominously like a countdown. Pixel swore.

"I don't know if he'll talk numbers without that scary partner of his around."

"Cancel," said Pixel frantically to the ball. "Cancel. Cancel! Oh, shit…"

"He said he could speak for both of them," Ruby reminded him.

"So he did. Well, if he really can, that would make it easier."

"What do you mean?"

Pixel shot past them, holding the ball at arm's length.

"Back in a minute!" he shouted over his shoulder. Nick nodded affably. They heard the door slam, then there was a small explosion outside.

"Sorted," said Pixel, coming back into the lab. "Sorry about that. So…what shall we do next?"

"I see what you mean," said Ruby thoughtfully.

-----

Emma, Stephanie and Robbie slept peacefully in the afternoon sunshine. Stephanie lay under the comforter on the huge double bed, hugging her husband's pillow for comfort; Robbie sprawled in the rocking-chair next to Emma's bed; Emma twitched and murmured beneath her pretty patchwork quilt, her eyes moving rapidly beneath her long-lashed eyelids.

And beneath Emma's bed, the DreamWeaver whirred, hummed, and then began to melt, the plastic casing dissolving into a puddle on the polished wooden boards.

-----

"So let's talk about numbers," said Nick, looking Pixel in the eye. Pixel tried not to look terrified.

"What sort of numbers do you want to talk about?" he asked.

"Well, first off, I think we need to talk about margin."

"Margin?"

"Yes. Margin."

Pixel nodded sagely.

"Okay."

"So…what are your thoughts?"

Pixel stared at the ceiling for inspiration.

"What are your thoughts?" he countered at last.

"Excuse me?"

"I'd like to hear your thoughts first."

"Okay. How about thirty-five?"

Pixel looked at him blankly.

"God, you're tough…all right. Thirty. Final offer."

"Thirty?" Pixel had no idea what they were discussing. Thirty what? Thirty dollars? Thirty cents? Thirty pieces of silver? "Well…I'll need to think about that for a while." Nick, he noticed absently, had begun to look a little bit less like a shark, and more like…more like…what did he look like? Some sort of rodent, possibly…Ruby watched him in amusement.

Nick took out his calculator and began tapping furiously.

"Look, I can maybe squeeze it just a little lower, say, twenty-five or twenty-six, but I'll need some movement on the costings from what your partner sent over."

"Really? Stingy sent you something in advance?" Pixel smiled in relief. "Good. Can I have a look at it?"

Nick handed him a stack of papers and Pixel flicked aimlessly through it. None of it made any sense to him at all.

"None of this makes any sense to me at all," he said, deciding to be honest. A flicker of panic crossed Nick's face.

"What do you mean?"

"Well," said Pixel, pausing on one page at random, "what's this figure here all about? Here where it says operating margin eighteen per cent." Nick went pale: Pixel looked at him in surprise.

"Oh. You spotted - I mean, you found the - oh, well, maybe I was being a bit optimistic with twenty-five. It's been a long journey here, sorry."

"That's okay," said Pixel, astonished. "I just wanted to know, that's all. I don't really know what I'm doing, to be honest. Would you like some coffee? I'll ask Sophie to go out for some." He stood up and wandered across the lab.

"Doesn't know what he's doing," hissed Nick crossly through his teeth as soon as Pixel was out of earshot. "Not as much of an idiot as he looks, is he?"

"I think he might be, actually," said Ruby, smiling.

"Not a chance. He knew exactly what he was up to - went straight to the right page of that proposal. None of this makes any sense to me at all. Sarcastic little - "

A terrible, unearthly scream filled the air. It began as a deep growl and climbed swiftly up the scale to a high-pitched shriek. It continued for several seconds, then gradually died away into silence. When it finally faded, Nick and Ruby found that they were clinging to each other.

"Jesus fucking Christ," said Nick. He ran his hands over his hair and found that they were shaking. "What the hell was that?"

"Maybe there's a zoo or something nearby?"

"What kind of animal makes that noise?"

"Did anyone else hear that?" Pixel and Sophie dashed in, looking pale and shaken. "I didn't get the coffee, sorry…"

"What the hell is it?"

"I don't know!" Pixel's eyes were wild. Sophie took his hand reassuringly.

"You live here!" protested Ruby. "You must know!"

"You think we'd live here if that had ever happened before?"

"Maybe it was just a recording or something," said Nick hopefully. Sophie looked at him with contempt.

"Firstly, no-one on earth has a stereo system that loud, and secondly…what do you think it might be a recording of? What is there on this planet that sounds like that?"

"Well thank God we've got Sportacus to - oh, no. He's not here, is he? He's never not been here before, except just before he and Stephanie got together, and that wasn't his fault…well, and there was that one time when he went on holiday, but he left Stephanie in charge." Pixel looked relieved. "Maybe that's happened again. Let's go and see her. I bet she'll know what to do."

"We're in the middle of a meeting," protested Nick. "You can't just clear off and -"

Again came that terrible climbing scream, rising higher and higher, sending chills of the purest naked fear up their spines.

"Dear God," said Nick, and swallowed. "All right. Let's go."

-----

Stingy found Trixie sitting at her computer in her study, proof-reading the latest chapter of Lover and Losers. She had a pencil tucked behind her ear, a pair of clever-looking glasses perched on the end of her nose, her hair was bundled up into a severe bun, and she was dressed in a tightly laced silvery-grey corset and thick black stockings. Stingy stopped dead in the doorway, staring. Trixie looked up and smiled provocatively.

"Worth coming home for, Mr Millionaire?"

"Today isn't the day the housekeeper comes, is it?" he asked, trying to play it cool as he stared at her in pure longing.

"I sent her home."

"Dressed like that?"

"That's for me to know and you to daydream about. So…would you like a sandwich, Mr Hughes? Or I can make you a cheese omelette? Or…would you like to skip straight to the dessert course?" She took her glasses off and looked straight at him.

He was across the room in three strides. He had planned to take her up to the bedroom, but suddenly it seemed too impossibly far, too impossibly long to wait until he could be close to her. So instead he laid her gently down on the big, wide antique desk he had scoured the sales rooms of New York to find, and loved her among the papers and the glasses of water and the bags of pistachios that she liked to nibble on while she worked, loved her until they were both breathless and frantic, clinging desperately to each other, Trixie clawing at his back, Stingy biting hard and helplessly at the soft curve of her shoulder.

"Worth coming home for?" she asked him afterwards, as they lay side by side on the desk, panting and staring at the ceiling.

He looked thoughtful.

"More or less."

"More or less?" She bit her lip. "And here was I thinking I was the most important thing in your life…"

"Trix," he said gravely, stroking her face, "I was joking. It was utterly, totally worth it. I am - my God, I'm your slave. I'd come home from the other side of the world to be with you like that. But you know that really. Don't you?"

She smiled. "Most of the time. Sometimes even I have the odd moment of insecurity."

"Really? Good Lord. You hide it very well, Mrs Hughes." He stood up and reached for his shirt. "I should get dressed."

"You're not staying for that sandwich?"

"I'll eat it on the way." He kissed her. "Do you have any clothes you want to put on, or are you staying that way for the rest of the day?"

"Are you kidding? This is the most uncomfortable garment known to man. The second you're out the door, it's going back in the drawer."

"Then you'll be naked."

"And your point is…?"

He smiled and reached out for her again.

The monster's scream rolled through the air like a wave of smoke, curling around them and chilling them to the bone. It spoke straight to the parts of their brains that remembered life in caves and primitive shelters, shivering around the fire while the hunting animals prowled outside, a memory from a time when mankind was still a prey animal…

They stared at each other.

"What the hell was that?" asked Trixie at last.

"Well, whatever it was, I think you should get dressed in something a bit more practical before we go and find out," said Stingy grimly.

-----

Ziggy was wandering aimlessly across the square when the air was suddenly filled with a terrifying noise. He was humiliated to realise that he had instinctively leapt behind the bench to hide. I am such a loser, he thought to himself sadly. Then, out of nowhere, came another thought; I wonder if Pixel had anything to do with this?

He looked thoughtfully at the door of the office of Six Thousand Ideas. Then he stood up and set off across the square. As another primal roar filled the air, he skittered wildly towards the door.

-----

The first shriek woke all three sleepers instantly. Emma sat bolt upright and screamed in terror. Stephanie, driven by the purest mama-bear instinct, went from cataleptic exhaustion to wide-awake alertness in half a second, and was straight away kneeling by Emma's bed, her arms around her terrified daughter. In the rocking-chair, Robbie stretched and rubbed his eyes.

"Was that you, brat?" he asked, yawning. "I know children can scream far louder than anyone would imagine was possible, but really - "

"What on earth is this?" Stephanie reached under Emma's bed. "Ow! It's melting! Lord, what a mess…"

"It's melted? Damn it….no, don't touch it, it looks hot."

"Really? You think?" Stephanie sucked her blistered finger. "Is this something to do with you, by any chance?"

Robbie did a convincing job of looking hurt and offended.

"What on earth makes you think - Jesus!" Another scream tore through the air. "What the hell is that?"

"Monster," said Emma, sobbing a little. "Mummy, make it go away."

"It's all right, sweetie. We're going to be fine," said Stephanie firmly, stroking her daughter's hair. She looked questioningly at Robbie over Emma's head. He shrugged.

"No good looking at me with those beautiful big eyes, Barbie. The man we need is probably somewhere over the Atlantic by now. Looks like we're in this one on our own. Bad luck all round, I suppose."

-----

They all met at the entrance to the square, and after a short consultation, set off at a run towards Stephanie's house.

"Hello," said Nick to Stingy as they ran, panting, through the park. "I'm…Nick Smith, by the…by the way…I don't know if you…remember me…"

"Red Giant," said Stingy, then looked at Pixel accusingly.

"You asked me to handle it," said Pixel reproachfully.

"And then you said you didn't know the first thing about finance and we'd be bankrupt in a week if I left you in charge of the deal!" He looked at Pixel severely. "Are we bankrupt? Tell me you didn't sign anything."

"Don't worry," said Nick. "He was doing…hell…you're all…very fit…you know that?…just fine…before that screeching started…"

They were all brought to a sudden halt by another scream. It seemed louder and closer than the last one.

"Are we running towards that noise?" asked Sophie, her eyes wide with fear.

"Let's just keep going," said Stingy firmly.

"What do you think it is?" asked Ziggy.

"Shut up," said everyone in unison.

"I'm just asking…I think it's a good question…why don't any of you ever listen to me?"

"This is not the time for your teenage angst bullshit, Ziggy," said Trixie.

"I'm not a teenager any more."

"Then don't act like one."

"I don't. You just keep treating me like one. I'm sick of it, it's time you all realised I'm an adult the same as you are."

"Ziggy! Do we have to talk about this now?"

"Youse lot is all runnin' the wrong way," said a pink rabbit, dashing past.

They all stopped and stared.

"I beg your pardon?" said Stingy at last.

"Trust me, pal, ya don't wanna go that way. That way - mighty bad." He squinted suspiciously at them. "Some a youse look familiar."

Nick and Ruby stared in disbelief.

"Don't know you two, though…or you, Blondie. Wow. Who knew? One minute I'm being tortured with cattle-prods, the next minute - here. Man, my life sucks. What?"

"Is that rabbit talking to us?" asked Ruby faintly.

"You think that's a problem, sister? Hoo boy, are you in for a shock. Where we all goin'? Ain't there some guy in blue around here gonna show up and fix it all?"

"He's out of town," said Trixie, dreamily. "Amazing, he's only been gone - what? - less than two hours, and already the town is falling apart…"

"How 'bout that little pink-haired gal? She available?"

"We're going there right now," said Ziggy.

"Yeah? Good plan. Let's go."

"It's back the way you came," Pixel pointed out.

"Shit. Oh well. Gotta roll with the punches. Let's go. I'm Bob, by the way. Nice to meetcha."

-----

They were in the kitchen when the next scream came. Emma clamped her hands over her ears and screamed in unison, her face white and her blue eyes burning. Stephanie put her arms around her and held her tightly. Robbie looked anxiously out of the window.

"Maybe we should make a move," he said. "That one sounded closer."

"What is it? What makes that noise? Where did it come from?"

"Monster," sobbed Emma. Robbie looked guilty.

"I can't imagine," he said firmly. "Come on, Barbie. Pack a bag. You're coming with me. And the brat as well, I suppose. My God, the things I put up with…"

"Where are we going?"

"My place."

"Why would we be any safer in the town?"

"No, not that place, my - ahem - my other place…"

"Stephanie! Stephanie!" Stingy banged on the door. "Let us in!"

Stephanie opened the door. Stingy bundled Trixie hastily through the doorway in front of him. Pixel and Sophie followed them. Nick and Ruby, looking shell-shocked, staggered in, followed by a mutinous-looking Ziggy. Last of all, a pink rabbit hopped over the doorway.

"Wotcha," it said affably to Robbie. "Know who you are. Where's the missus?"

Robbie stared.

"Who? Do I know you?"

"Like to think you'd remember," said the rabbit affably, sitting up and combing its ears with its paws. "Meet a lot of talkin' pink rabbits, do ya? You not married, then?"

Robbie snorted derisively.

"Hardly."

"Nyet? Huh. So it goes."

"Is anyone going to talk about the important stuff," demanded Nick, his eyes wild, "or are we just going to gossip with this ridiculous pink rabbit?"

"Watch it, pal - "

"This is my house," said Stephanie firmly, "so I suppose that means you should be talking to me. Does anyone know what's going on? We need to make a plan, I guess…"

"Thank God," said Pixel fervently, then paused. "Hey. Where's the crystal?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Stephanie blankly.

"Sportacus didn't leave you…you know, in charge?" He groaned. "We're doomed…"

"Not as dumb as you look, are ya," said the rabbit cheerfully. "Hey there, Pinkie. How you doin'? That your kid? Bet you're glad she wasn't a boy, huh? Imagine goin' through High School with a Y chromosome and hair that colour…" he hopped closer, and peered at her. "Sheesh, and if my bunny sense don't deceive me, you're expectin' -"

"I'm in charge," said Robbie loudly. "That means you're all doing what I tell you. Got it? Starting with you, rabbit. Shut your trap."

"What? Why? I'm just sayin', is all - "

"Because if you don't shut up, I'm going to kill you, skin you, chop you up, and make a nourishing stew out of your flesh and a dear little fur cap for the brat here from your beautiful pink pelt."

"What's the problem? Hey, it's not yours, is it? Bit young for you, dontcha think?"

Robbie raised a threatening hand. Bob cringed, then tried to hide it by pretending to look for something on the floor.

"Whoa. Someone's mighty touchy…well, okay. Ix-nay on the baby-talk. Gotcha."

"You do know you're talking to a rabbit, don't you," said Stingy quietly. "Look, I don't think this is the best place to - "

Another scream. This one was noticeably closer.

"Come on," said Robbie. "Let's go."

-----

They ran back out of the house and towards the meadows, Stephanie clutching Emma awkwardly to her as they ran.

"So…about the…the operating margin…" panted Nick, jogging next to Stingy.

"The what? Does this really seem like the time to - why, what was wrong with it?"

"Can't make…eighteen per cent…work…."

"Sure you can. Don't be ridiculous. Eighteen per cent is perfectly fair."

"Yeah, your partner…made the same point…"

"Did he?" Stingy smiled to himself. "Good Lord."

Nick wiped sweat from his face.

"Can't we…slow down…for a bit?"

"Wouldn't recommend it," said Bob, hopping cheerfully along.

"You've seen it?" asked Ruby.

"Yup."

"Want to tell us?"

"Nah. Spoil the surprise."

A small green pig charged frantically across their path and ran away into the bushes. It was making an extraordinary noise, something between a bellow and a whistle, punctuated by a sneeze in the middle.

"What the fuck was that?" demanded Ruby, pointing.

"That," said Robbie, looking dazed, "is a rath."

"A what?"

"A sort of green pig. It's probably upset because it's a long way from home." He looked down at Bob. "And I suppose there are some badger-looking things with lizard's feet and corkscrew noses somewhere around the place, yes?"

"Now you're cookin' wi' gas," said Bob, nodding approvingly.

"Oh, my God…I didn't mean for this to happen…I didn't know…I know she's different, but how the hell did they all get out…?"

"Didn't mean for what to happen?" panted Trixie. "Is this something to do with you? You utter idiot, Robbie, what in God's name have you done this time?"

"Is it your fault? I thought it might be Pixel, actually," said Ziggy innocently.

"Oh, believe me, mooncalf, the idiot-savant over there had a hand in this too. So did you, come to think of it. Thank God we're nearly there." He pointed across the meadow to a giant advertising hoarding painted with a picture of a cow.

A shadow passed over them, freezing them all to the spot. They looked at each other with foreboding.

"Here it comes," said Bob, scratching behind his ear with his long back foot. "Nice knowin' you all again, maybe when this is over and we're all toast I'll see your alter egos back at the palace…"

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?" screamed Stingy. "Oh, no…"

Everyone stared in horror. Emma shrieked once, and then hid her face in Stephanie's hair.

Hovering in mid-air between them and the entrance to Robbie's bunker was a long-necked monster, straight out of the darkest of nightmares. Thin, raggedy wings held it aloft; its eyes shone like pale lamps as it gazed at them. Its lips peeled back from huge tombstone teeth. The five claws on each of its front feet were as long as a man's arm. Its gaze fell on the little cluster of people and the claws flexed menacingly.

"What…the fucking hell…is that supposed to be?" whispered Nick.

"That," said Robbie wretchedly, "is a Jabberwocky."

The Jabberwocky opened its mouth and screamed.