Want.
It's such a …. gah…. word, term. It has this aura of murky stigma. It's like it contaminates any sentence through to thought each time it is mentioned.
When ever you say you want something, it never comes off being in turbulence. But because doing well and succeeding in school, university and in your career is in theory fundamentally selfish, the resounding back spray hits basically anything with the word 'want'. Hence the contamination, stigma and all that jazz.
But what Summer is more concerned with is the correlation with all that, when your desire is for someone to want you.
Summer wants to try and back pedal, redue the done. Or something. She can't make it out for sure. It's all a bit murky …
It's weird though. Summer never in a million years thought that when they broke up, she would be the one in this position. The one where she wanted to get back to at least something. The one where she was being avoided. The one where she would feel so uncomfortable with herself, she wouldn't look into a mirror unless it was necessary.
But she never even thought about Seth's perpetual want for her. It was just something she never considered. It was just always there, ever since she can remember. From when he was trying to say hello and happy birthday to her, to when he was dating Anna, she could still see the spark in his eye every time she smiled at him. Or even made eye contact.
But now the evanescence of the sparkle had vanished completely from sight. And the declaration of this had deeply soured Summer's spirit. It spoke of him being over it. Not over her, but their relationship as a whole. The whole year of events – Grandpa's b'day to T.J to school to Anna to valentines day to birthing their relationship to Summer ruining everything. He was just over it.
He wasn't close to getting over her – not anywhere near – but he was just simply done with being angry and hurt. He had come to the point of realisation, where he has said to himself, "okay, it's how it happened, its done. I need to start moving on."
And that's what freaked Summer out the most. He was progressing…well in theory he was. He wanted to.
Cause now that he didn't want her anymore, then soon he will be over her, and that leads to some other girl who isn't stupid enough to trail him through puddles of humiliation to get him.
She can't believe she made him jump through all those hoops before. She just can't believeit. Why was she so special to treat him like that? Why did he even want her when she was such a bitch to him? God she is so happy that he did though.
It was easy to understand why Summer was starting to freak out. It was because after one week of holidays, she hadn't seen Seth once; and she knew that this week represented the rest of them.
She hadn't cried though. Well except for once, but it wasn't really crying. She had randomly woken up one night in tears. It was about 4 am after she went to a party at some easily forgettable person's house. She actually can't even remember the girls face or name from whom she received the invite from.
The party was bland. She tried to talk to people, guys and girls, tried to spark up fun and exciting conversations, but they just weren't doing anything for her. She got over it after a couple of hours, driving home herself. She had a shower changed and fell almost immediately asleep only to wake up in tears.
She tried telling herself it was a dream she had.
She had simply sat there every now and then wiping the stray tears that were perpetually building up in her eyes.
It wasn't that she was still shedding tears in her loss of a boyfriend. It had progressed further, evolving, maturing into her mourning the loss of a deep and sincere friend. Not only had she messed up and lost a boyfriend, she lost a best friend too.
She just missed her Seth.
-
Ryan put down his phone sighing. "Seth." He called from the kitchen, not knowing where abouts in the house Seth actually was.
Seth mumbled a, "Yeah?" in reply, which seemed to be originating from the stairs. He came through into the kitchen. "What's up?"
"Umm so Marissa just called," he looked up to Seth dubiously. "She is going to be at the diner for lunch, and said that I should come meet up with her."
Seth raised his eyebrows as if asking why he was acting so weirdly. "And….?"
He scratched his head just behind his eye apprehensively. "Well, umm, are you going to come?"
Seth raised an eyebrow. "Well, yeah. I'll grab some lunch with you guys then go down to the pier and take the boat out for a bit while you guys chat."
Ryan pursed his lips together in an uneasy manner. "Umm, I think Summer is coming too." He stated in an unsure breath.
Seth moved over taking out some Juice from the fridge, moving over to the cupboard to withdraw a glass. "Do you know that Summer is coming or do you think that Summer is coming." He took a sip. "Did Marissa mention that she is, or, isn't?"
"She is coming." Ryan claimed, tilting his head to the side.
Seth thoughtfully took another sip of his juice before breathing out in defeat. "Checkmate?" He offered as reason, explanation.
Ryan nodded in knowing and understanding. "Checkmate."
-
"A black and white milkshake please. Marissa you want anything?" Summer asked from the opposite side of the booth.
"No, I'm okay." She answered kindly.
The waitress smiled whist finishing writing the order down on the pad. "Okay, we will bring that out as soon as possible." She once again smiled before disappearing in to the kitchen.
Summer clicked her tongue a few times agitatedly. She nervously fixed her eyes on Marissa. It was no secret that Summer was feeling quite apprehensive, anyone who was to walk pass would unavoidably notice so. One week into the holidays and she had had enough. She had previously been clinging to the idea that if she gave Seth some time, they may be able to sort out their problems and still have that friendship that was quite dear to her. But it was becoming abundantly clear to her that she had seriously mistaken the premise of their problems, and now she was finally starting to realise it.
It being; she had hurt Seth alot more than she had thought.
And that thought always left her mouth dry in self detestation. She had pretty much thrown him away without any regard to his feelings, and was now only picking up on the degree to which the resulting pain and hurt had caused. Not to any ones surprise, she had been thinking about how she was going through the break up. How she kept asking Seth every time they bumped into each other if they can simply just go back to being friends and hang out like everything was all good and well.
Cause who cares if Seth isn't ready, she is, so he should be…
And that's how this scene arose. She was playing 'what if' again. She and Marissa had made plans to go to the diner for lunch. Summer asked 'what if' you invited Ryan, have a chat to see how he is going with all that Teresa drama. The game progressed in her mind; Ryan comes for lunch at the diner equals Seth comes for lunch at the diner. She knew that Ryan would inform him that she would also be attending the lunch. If he didn't attend, she would have a clear indication that he is still avoiding her, staying in his Summer free territory, and she felt like she could pretty much say she deserved to lose him anyways.
Summer looked over to the clock checking the time. 1:43pm. They were suppose to be here 13 minutes ago. She negligently picked at her cracking nail polish thinking that he isn't coming, she sort of never really expected him to.
Marissa looked over at her, feeling sorry for her she says, "I'm sorry sweetie."
Summer tried to smile in return but her misery completely overwhelmed it.
Still getting weirded out by how hard Summer was taking this, she moved a hand placing it over Summer's. "You can see him tomorrow at the wedding." She stated as some sort consolation. She looked into Summer eyes, trying to see where she was at. She smiled as she saw the origins of thoughts, and waited upon the release of them, a typical Summer comment.
Summer bit her lip but without her usually exuberance. Marissa could see she didn't know whether or not to say them but in the end the words came out.
"He is probably just pissed cause he isn't getting sex no more."
Marissa pursed her lips giving Summer that look that all best friends have, the one that proclaims 'we both know what's going on, what you are trying to do.'
Summer lowered her head, conceding. "I know…" she said slowly.
It was the usual Summer reacting mechanism. She is hurt so her anger flares up to consumer the pain, melt it away, give her an escape.
"He is only acting this way because of how strong his feelings were for you." Marissa supplied as an answer.
Summer let the words digest.
Were… Past tense.
And there, it surfaces again. He doesn't want you anymore.
At the exact moment of that reoccurring thought, Seth and Ryan strolled through the door, immediately spotting them, making their way over. Seth caught Summer's eye for a moment before he averted his line of sight. Marissa shuffled along the booth to make space for Ryan as did Summer for Seth. But Seth just waited for Ryan to get seated then followed in behind him. It was very awkward. Ryan was trying to make more space but was restricted because of Marissa, so Marissa ended up having to shuffle over even more. It looked retarded. And Summer just sat there slightly nodding her head in acceptance.
Seth really didn't want to be here. He had no choice though. If he didn't come, his bigotry towards her would leave no questions, and as much as things were messed up right now, he didn't want to blatantly hurt her or throw total disregard to her feelings.
Small talk was dawned, but kept on a tight leech. There were so many areas that would hit a nerve; it felt foreign for the four of them to be so constrained, to be so cautious. It felt like they were making their own individual ways across a mine field, being able to spot a mine from a distance, having to find a safe way to manoeuvre around it without creating too much fuss.
They ordered their meals keeping the chat tentative. By the time the meals had arrived the talk had loosened up slightly, but only very little. Seth and Summer had sort of conversed, but it was general chat, not their own variety of talking they usually shared. It was 'diversity' free.
But still, at least it was better then him not talking to her at all. It felt good being able to get back to this. The four hanging out together, having that group of friends that you really care and trust. Even if it was kind of restrained.
But as this satisfying feeling hit right at home Seth spoke up. "Okay well…" he took a napkin wiping his mouth then fingers with it. "I better get going, I gotta talk to a guy at the pier."
Summer sighed looking at Seth, her mouth slightly open unbeknownst to her. She thought that they would have dessert, and maybe Seth would even acknowledge her properly, even talk to her and ask her how her holidays have been. At least act like he cared, even a little.
"Uhh, I think I am going to go now too. I'll come with." Summer found herself saying.
Ryan and Marissa looked at each other nervously; fret bearing for all to see.
Seth bit his lip, scratching his head slightly in a nervous manner. "Uhh, well I was think-"
"I'm coming with you." Summer steely cut him off, adding a piercing stare to go with it.
"Okay then." He instantly conceded.
Summer slid out of her booth standing up next to Seth. Seth instantly reminisced with her scent. God, she always smelled so absolutely mouth watering. He was pretty sure he could classify the effect of it as intoxicating cause he definitely remembered getting drunk of it.
They waved their reclusive goodbyes to their respective others. They made their way outside into the warm illustrious Californian sun, stopping after 15 metre from the dinner near a bench. Summer looked up at him with a soft gaze of which he didn't return. He looked defeated. His eyes were tired, shoulders slumped, and had a tiny sad unassuming smile.
Summer swallowed slowly. "I only said that so Ryan and Marissa could talk privately." When he didn't replay she continued. "I didn't want to impose on them… because they really have to talk about stuff, sort through things." She was nervously wringing her hands.
Seth nodded in resignation. "So I am going to go to the pier..." He looked up at her finally.
She wanted so badly to say, 'okay cool, I'll walk with you,' or at least something to that affect. But she couldn't. The scenes from her and Seth's previous encounters played over through her minds eye, each ending the same way.
She has finally learned.
She felt a solid tugging in her chest, and her head felt like it was on fire. She smiled earnestly, solemnly up at Seth. "Okay. Well, I will see you tomorrow at the wedding then." She tried not to sound too uneven or sad, but wasn't sure how well she pulled it off. It was becoming increasingly more difficult and frustrating to close shop on her delinquent heart. Feelings were bleeding out from it like cracks in a dam.
And for some reason a memory of what Seth said to her a while ago surfaced in her mind. "So I still have really strong feelings, but can't act on them or do anything. I just have to wait till they subside, or go away…."
And all Summer could think of was, "Why aren't my feelings subsiding or going away? They are at the same level and are showing no signs of caving. Why is this so hard?"
Seth looked into her eyes.
And that's all it required.
"Do you want to come for a walk with me…- to like…" Seth drifted off nervously.
Summer blinked in surprise. She really didn't think that those would be the words that came out of his mouth. "Yeah, sure Cohen. I'd like that." She looked at him with an understated goofy smile. But it didn't matter cause he was wearing that same style smile too. Both trying to hide it.
They both ventured on making their way down to wear Seth's boat was kept. Summer was practically tingling with the unknown. She walked with Seth down the pathway looking up with her eyes closed letting the sun bath her in warmth. Her eyes welcomed the blackness, because now she could feel the light, taste the warmth.
That dark tunnel now had an end.
"So how have your holidays been Summer." She looked up at him, into his eyes. And she reads it all.
He does still care.
He does still want me.
-
Yes, i just won $20 :)
