Hey! I'm back. Hope y'all had the happiest of holidays.
Hazel eyes dared to slide from the road to the rearview mirror in time to see the pale figure standing in the doorway of the motel room dissipate, turning into a thick black smoke that floated harmlessly off on the breeze. "Where's he going?"
"Pontiac," Cas said, leaning forward from the backseat to make himself heard over the roar of engine and radio.
"But why?" Sam asked. "What's in Pontiac beside a decimated gravesite?"
Castiel sighed, leaning back a bit and running a hand through his hair, his eyes cast downward. He looked so human, so lost. "Pontiac is where… it seemed fitting, I guess. You see, I got to choose. Anna just plummeted. But I was already here. And Illinois is where this all started. So…"
Sam, twisted in his seat. "What are you trying to say?"
"I fell in Pontiac, Sam. At Dean's gravesite. That's why Lucifer is heading there now."
"But that doesn't make any sense," Dean argued.
"It makes perfect sense. My Grace is still there. That's what he's after. That's how he'll return to Heaven."
"What? By sweeping in and scooping your angel mojo out of a tree? It can't be that easy. I mean, you guys have to have some rules or something about that."
"Why would we?"
Dean blinked. "You've got to be kidding me. Nobody ever foresaw this happening before?"
"The breaking of the Seals and the releasing of Lucifer from Hell? No, Dean. We were hoping to prevent that."
"And what about other demons?"
"What about them?"
"What's to stop them from making off with the angel magic?"
"They'd have to find it first," Cas reminded him.
"So? I mean, if Anna could do it-"
"Anna was never supposed to."
"I'm just saying." Dean sighed, tightening his grip on the wheel and gazing out at the road. "So, let me get this straight. When angels fall, most of the time, they get reborn as human babies. Except for you, because you're special." He glanced in the mirror, saw the angel nod, and continued. "When they fall to Earth, their Grace, the stuff that makes 'em angels, comes too and turns into foliage, yes?" Another nod. "Kay. So, they don't typically remember that they're all Heavenly, so when they die, they're treated like people, right?"
"Yes," Castiel said. "I don't understand-"
"Just want to clear some stuff up," Dean interrupted. "Now, let's say the angel remembers and wants to go back to Heaven. It finds its Grace and is welcomed with open arms?"
"That's what happened with Anna, yes. God forgives."
"And if a human were to stumble across this magical tree?"
Cas shrugged. "I suppose, if the human knew what to do-"
"You'd have another angel on your hands?"
"If the human were a devout person, it would be possible, but-"
"And if a demon found the tree?"
"No. The demonic energy and the Heavenly force of the Grace would cancel each other out."
"So Lucifer can't be going after it," Sam said, a small smile creeping across his face.
"Lucifer was an angel," Castiel reminded him. "There is still a place in his being, as blackened as it may be, for Heaven's light. He and the other original Fallen would still be able to ascend if ever they stumbled across an angel's Grace."
"So we're screwed," Dean said. "He's won. He's taking the fight somewhere we can't follow."
"Not necessarily," Cas muttered. "He's smart. He's probably anticipated our movements and will have created a distraction, something to keep the armies of Heaven busy while he travels to Pontiac. But maybe I can warn them."
"How? You gonna send up smoke signals?"
"I can go back."
The two bodies in the front seat stiffened and turned slightly to look at him. "No."
"It's my decision, Dean."
"No."
"You sound like a broken record." He sighed, again dragging a hand through his untidy hair. "It's my fault we're even having this conversation in the first place. If it wasn't for me-"
"If it wasn't for you, he would have found someone else," Sam pointed out.
"Who, Sam?" Cas asked. "There weren't any others, not from this century. Not since Anna. Not any that are so predictable, anyway. And it's not exactly a common occurrence, frowned upon as it is."
"Well, why should you have to go back?" Dean asked.
"Somebody has to tell them what Lucifer's planning, especially if I swayed others to follow my lead. Besides, it'll throw a wrench into his plans, stop him long enough to call in reinforcements."
"But it's not fair."
Castiel turned to him, and again, it was as if nothing had changed, as if the angel was still an angel, still capable of turning back time and stopping the armies of Hell. He stared at Dean for a moment, not blinking, wide blue gaze locked. "You still feel guilty about Anna. You still think about what she told you."
A half-turn of the driver's head was all the answer he would get.
"She lied, Dean. That's the interesting thing about being human. You can lie. You really think I couldn't feel before? You think I didn't have any free will? Then how'd I wind up here? There had to be something to get me from point A to point B."
"Still can't let you go back."
"She doesn't hate you. She did what she had to. She saved us all that day. She still loves you."
"Bullshit."
Cas sighed. "You can't stop me."
"Like Hell I can't."
The angel smiled. "Cute. Nice choice of words. Who would you choose to take my place?"
Sam surprised them both by straightening in his seat and daring to butt into the conversation. "I'll do it."
"No." Dean really did sound like a broken record.
"Why not?" Sam challenged. "You want a one-way ticket to the Pearly Gates?"
"No, I just… I don't think…"
"Dean's right," Castiel said. "It can't be you. There's no way to tell how your blood would react."
"Perfect," Sam scoffed. "So I can't get into Heaven now?"
"You can get in," Cas grinned. "Just not with a harp." He turned back to Dean. "That narrows it down to you." Dean opened his mouth. "And of you say 'no' again, I'll smite you."
Instead of arguing, the hunter simply pulled up to a gas station and exited the car. Sam and Cas glanced at each other before the taller man got out and headed into the store to pay and grab something to eat, leaving the former angel alone with his charge.
Castiel leaned against the side of the Impala and shoved his hands in his pockets, staring long and hard at Dean as the other man pumped gas. "You're going to need to talk about it eventually, you know."
"No, I'm not."
He sighed. "Dean."
"Nothing to talk about, Cas."
"You still don't think yourself worthy-"
"You know," Dean said, turning on him suddenly, "I don't get it. You… you're different."
"I'm human."
"Yeah, I got that from the use of contractions and the swearing. But what I want to know is why."
"I told you already. You're trying to distract me, Dean. You should know me better than that by now."
"All right. You tell me what's going on, then, Cas. Tell me what's going through my head."
"I don't know, Dean. Why don't you tell me?"
"What do you want me to say, man? That I messed up?"
Castiel narrowed his eyes. "How?"
"You told me that God had work for me, right? I was supposed to stop the Apocalypse. Well, look around you, Flyboy. It's here. I failed. Don't think God's gonna look too kindly on me now."
"God forgives, Dean."
"Not when the person He sprung outta Hell didn't do a damn thing He said, helped fell and angel, and then let Lucifer walk free. And I'm guessing He especially wouldn't like it if I showed up in Heaven with my own shiny new wings-and-halo set."
"I've said it before and I'll say it again, Dean. You really think you don't deserve to be saved? You really think that all the good you've done means nothing?"
"I messed up!"
"But you tried."
"You don't understand," Dean muttered. "That's not good enough. I always tried. I tried to take care of Sammy, and I tried to be good enough, and I tried to help my dad, and I tried to save the world, and I tried to hold out forever but I just couldn't. Sam left and dad left and I couldn't do what he wanted and the Devil's out walkin' around and I broke. There are people out there- demons- who were sliced and diced and turned into what they are because of me. So you can't stand there and tell me that God forgives."
"You tried," Castiel said again, softer this time, "and that's all that matters. Your eyes aren't black. Your soul is only bruised. You would not be turned away at the gates of Paradise for one mistake- or even a thousand- not if you had tried. And, Dean, sixty years of suffering and torture is trying. I know. I saw." He leaned sideways, nearly toppling before his shoulder found Dean's. "I forgive you."
Dean glanced at him, barely making eye contact before breaking it again, obviously uncomfortable. "Yeah, well. You're not exactly in high standing anymore, are you?"
"I will be." He pushed himself from the car and stood, looking back at Dean with a small smile.
"But you-"
Cas shrugged. "What can I say? I tried being human. Didn't pan out." He slid back into the backseat as the gas station door opened and Sam reappeared, carrying a receipt and a bag full of candy, signaling the end of the conversation.
