A/N I'm BACK! After recovering from an obsession of Lost Odyssey (go play that game. Eez awsum) and soooo much freakin' homework I have finally got around to update. So thank you once again for the reviews! Now shall we precede and let the evil stupidity gnaw on your tormented brains? Mwahahahaha.
Disclaimer: Just thought I'd throw this hopeless think in again. As much as I wish, Invader Zim was not created from my brain meats but rather by the awesomeness that is Jhonen Vasquez. *sigh* I'm depressed now. Why couldn't I create it?
Chapter Four: Jimothy and the SSPNGK
"What are you talking about GIR? Who's here? Who dares to tread upon my base with their feets of smelliness?!"
The simple robot pointed out the window where a few human worms were looking at Zim's house with a mixture of awe, disbelief, and disgust.
"What are they gawking at my house for? I understand they must be gaping at its flawlessness, but they seem to be looking at it very strangely. I sense fishys in the air."
GIR, who wasn't ignoring Zim entirely, gasped. "Fishes? Where? Where are the friendly little fishes? Is they flying invisibly? Invisible ones are the tastiest."
"No," Zim replied quietly. "These are not normal fishys. I'm fairly certain you have something to do with those hyumans outside. They had better not be more of your fffriends, GIR. So what did you this time?"
"Oh nothin'. I jus' invited the funny dude who acts like houses are jungles that need to be tamed. Nothin' baaad or anything. Right?"
"What?! The house is turning into a jungle?! This is serious!" Zim started panicking.
"That's not what I said. I says the jungle dude is gonna make our house tame and purdy like a goose!" GIR squealed. "Then the banana's gonna have goblin babies and they's gonna be my friends an' we gonna live happily ever after in a bathtub."
Zim blinked a few times and stayed silent while he tried to decipher GIR's rant. "NOOO! You may have well doomed us you stupid scrap of metal! DOOMED! They are going to uncover my base's ingenious ruse."
"Yaaay!" Then GIR happy face fell a little. "Wait, no. That's bad ain't it mastah?"
Zim slapped his hand to his forehead. "So…The enemy is about to infiltrate and expose our base. My ingenious brain shall think of a solution." He stayed quiet for a while, staring at nothing in particular. "Hmmm…" He stuck his lip in thought. "Mmmyep. Anytime now I will think of a plan." More silence. "Aah, forget it. Computer! Intruder alert!"
"Take care of it yourself! I'm sleeping right now. If I don't have my nappy time I get cranky," the computerized voice of the computer warned. "Have fun," it added sarcastically. Then it muttered under its breath, "These Irkens. Bunch of lazy gasquiggleysporches. Just because they made us, they think they can tell us what to do. GAWSH!"
Luckily, Zim was too busy thinking of a plan to hear. "Solutions! I need solutions! SOLUTIONS!"
"Run away and live with the goblin babies!" GIR suggested.
"That's it! We'll blow this place up," Zim cried triumphantly. His face fell after he thought about it. "Wait a minute. That would solve nothing, except maybe blowing up a few hyumans. GIR, keep your ideas to yourself. Blowing the base up…" Zim shook his head.
GIR pouted then cheered up suddenly and said "Okay! Do I get to go play with the goblin babies and bananas now?"
"Yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever. Just DON'T interfere with the plan that I will surely come up with in no time at all—"The doorbell rang. "NOOO! The infiltration is about to begin. Ummm. Hey computer! If the hyumans stampede into our house like a bunch of treacherous monkeys, they won't let you take your nappy time. Whaddaya say to that?" Zim hurriedly said in a last attempt to defend everything he had worked for.
"I say, Zim, that I don't care right now."
"But—"
"I'MNOTLISTENING! I'MNOTLISTENING! I'MNOTLISTENING!" The computer was yelling full blast in a very bratty way. Zim scrambled around for his disguise. He found it and quickly slipped his hairpiece on. At least now, the computer's horrible noise was muffled slightly with Zim's antennae being snuggly covered. He threw GIR his doggy suit. GIR stopped dancing to the computer's yell and slipped it on. He resumed dancing.
The doorbell rang again. It could barely be heard over the roars of the computer. Zim sighed and admitted defeat—if only for the moment. Once he was away from the computer, he would be able to concentrate again. He trudged over to the door and opened it.
"Welcome to my perfectly normal home where I live a perfectly normal hyuman life. My, uh, waffle is very sick. Leave or I will unleash the badger on you." Zim gave a strained smile. There's no way they can refuse my request. Hyumans leaves if waffles are sick. I am positive of that.
"Crikey, it really is? I wish your poor waffle the best of luck. Stay strong." The strange human truly looked sympathetic. "Nothing worse than a sick waffle," he muttered in a sad voice.
"Huh? Hmm…"Zim had a quick idea of making humans bow down before him if he poisoned all the waffles with a poison that only he had the antidote to. Maybe he would put his bologna plan back into action, except this time waffles would taste his meaty revenge. He stored the thought in his memory storage part of his PAK. Soon, hyumans will be begging me to heal their precious waffles.
"Why are here anyway?" Zim questioned.
"Well, we were planning to tackle that there house number…mmm…777, I believe, but they canceled at the last minute. Which is fine with me. That house gave me the willies. Then we received a call from this very house asking to make this place spick and span. From the looks of it, this bugger really needs it." He gave an extra friendly smile.
Zim knew enough about the different languages and accents the pathetic hyumans had, to know that this strange hyuman had an "Ostraeliun" accent or something. He never understood why the stupid pig-smellies couldn't share one language. They would not be able to come together because of all their differences. All the easier to destroy them—with bologna poisoned waffles of course. "I'm getting distracted by these wonderful destructive thoughts again," he muttered to himself.
"So now that we are here, you need to go." The man leaned closer and whispered, "It's supposed to be a surprise when you come back, ya know mate?"
"WHAT? You dare throw me out of my ZIM house that belongs to ZIM!" he screamed. "Just who do you think you are?"
(WARNING: Horrible song sung to the tune of Jingle Bells for some reason is coming in 3…2…1…)
"Weeeelll,
We are, we are,
The team from U-H-I!
We come to help you shelter,
Even though it's useless-YEAH!"
The man, as well as the rest of the crew, continued to sing the horribly offbeat, off-key song that was worse than the computer's ranting. At least the computer went into nappy mode.
Twenty verses later (which I am too lazy to write. Or maybe too kind to not let you suffer at the hands of my AMAZING song writing skills) the song ended after a dramatic uber horrifying crescendo. Zim, who was lying on the floor dying, slowly got up and wiped away any drool that dribbling out of his mouth. He snapped back to reality when the man grabbed his hand in a limp fish handshake. Zim shuddered. He hated those. There was absolutely nothing right with this dirt being.
"I'm Jimothy Thaliun by the way. I guess that's what you were asking all along. Well, I guess that whole song was kind of useless. Huh. Maybe we should sing it again now that you know who I am."
"ENOUGH!" Zim screamed. He couldn't take anymore. First, these filthy meat creatures come, then they demand he be removed from his own base, then they use some sort of torture method in the form of singing to force him out of his house. The nerve of those stink creatures!
"Alrighty then. You need to leave now. Hey, don't you just love how my name rhymes? Jimothy Thaliun. Beautiful poetry right there for you.
"And if I refuse?" Zim asked quietly.
Right when he asked that, little tubes floated down from the sky and right into the crew's outstretched palm.
"Hey, how'd you do that?"
"Oh, you know, mastah," GIR replied.
"No, I don't GIR. That's why I was asking them," Zim snapped.
"The magical taco kabobs live in the sky. See, up there?" The robot pointed. "And whenever someone asks them, they will rain those little tubes down. But you gotta ask them real nicely or you'll asplode."
"He is right you know," Jimothy said matter-of-factly. Then he put the little tube to his mouth, took a deep breath, and blew.
Zim felt something poke through his skin and swayed after a few seconds. He clutched at his stomach as his squiddely spooch worked twice as hard as it frantically tried to rid the Irken's body of the alien toxin.
When Zim continued to stand, Jimothy gave a startled yelp and called out to the other crewmembers, "This one seems to have some sort of immunity to the taco kabobs' tranquilizer. Hit full force; we will not let him prevail! Go men go! And be sure to capture this wicked footage!"
The crew stopped what they were doing and stared at him. Finally, one of them spoke. "But Jim, we're all women except for you and Dude Man over there. But he doesn't really count—does he?" She looked over in Dude Man's direction with a look of disgust and subtle pity. Dud Man was frolicking (I love that word. Heehee…frolicking) around the yard carrying one Zim's gnomes and spinning around occasionally. A look of pure joy and bliss was plastered on his face.
"Yeah," another woman complained. "And it looks like he's high again. 'High off life' like he always says," she scoffed. "Sure."
"That's not important right now mates. Get 'im!"
The crew rushed forward toward the confused Irken Invader with the deadly force of that giraffe covered in honey I mentioned earlier. Except, if found out it didn't really like being all sticky. Very deadly force…So they rushed over to him, ready to beat the living boogers out of him and—they stopped right in front of him.
"YEAH—Wait! Why did you stop? You were just about to pummel that normal green boy with the force of an irritated honey-covered giraffe!"
"That's just it sir. We can't exactly beat up kids—especially one so normal and green," the cameraperson said. The SSPNGK would be after us faster than you could say their full name three times fast."
"Drat! I completely forgot about the SSPNGK! Just—I don't know—just pick him up and put him gently on the sidewalk outside," Jimothy said, obviously getting frustrated.
"What the—HEY! No one picks up the almighty ZIM! Put me down, you disgusting gerbil people!"
Zim was placed very delicately on the sidewalk and, before he could react, all the crewmembers rushed inside his base as if they were about to be attacked and locked up everything from the inside.
"Ha! Take that SSPNGK! I did it mates! The SSPNGK would be proud." Jimothy punched the air with victory fists.
Suddenly, the air shimmered and a green-skinned old man in a white robe appeared before him. He spoke in a wise voice, "You have done well to follow the rules of the Secret Society for the Protection of Normal Green Kids. We are all proud of you. Here is a brownie. Now—ROCK ON!" An eerie but awesome guitar rift filled the air and the green old man disappeared in a puff of orange smoke that smelled like Cheetohs.
A/N Do not ask me what I am on. I really have no idea. Must've been too many taco kabob tranquilizers. I have no idea when I'll update next but hopefully it will be soon. I'm not exactly good at this "regular updating" thing. Please review!
