Nearly two bottles were gone, digested into the stomach of a man who thought so little of himself. He had replayed every conversation, every touch, every look between himself and his old partner…yet he couldn't see where things had gone so wrong. It wasn't just Jenny's ghost that he imagined around now; it was also Kate's, and Paula Cassidy's, and Shannon's. Ducky had once pointed out to him that even though he had lost men in combat, women would never be seen as equal in his eyes. He had been right.
And yet, even with the "ghost" flittering around him, he could still hear the sounds of her sobs above all the rest. He saw the way her eyes looked as he yelled. He saw the way her body had reacted to his raised voice. He saw how her heart had hurt as the silent innuendo he presented. He knew…that if ever he was to be called a coward, it would have been at the moment he let loose his anger/grief onto Abby.
Everywhere he looked in 'their' home, he saw her. It didn't matter to him that she had yet to completely move in. Her things were thrown all around; various locations which suggested she either was in too much of a hurry to put them away, or they had been engaged in other activities.
The very notion of her made his heart ache. It wasn't just that she made going to work enjoyable; or his body literally sing with joy…it was her. It was the way she drove him nuts. The way she bit her lower lip when she was nervous. The way she paced and used her hands to speak when she was excited. The way she smiled at him…just him. The way her body reacted towards him; the shutters she barely saw, the ripples of nerves unintentionally flowing throughout her body. He even smiled at her fascination with voodoo dolls, dog collars, and thick-heeled combat boots. He loved the essence of her.
A part of him believed he had damaged things so badly it would end. That same part was the one that caused him to drink; to see the ghosts of his past; to burn boats; to take risks. The part Ducky would tell him was 'self destructive'…and he would be right. He had lived with pain for so long he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to feel again. And then Abby happened. She contradicted everything he ever knew/thought; she challenged him in ways no one had ever dared to before. He fell first for her goodness…her light. Then, as time went on and they became closer, he fell for her dark side too.
He replayed the words he yelled at her in his mind. He hated every syllable that had come out of his mouth. The worst part was that he believed he made her doubt her place in their…no his, life. A simple bouquet of black roses wouldn't fix it this time. Nor would a kiss on the tip of her finger. No, he knew something big had to happen in order for her to forgive him.
