Part 11 - thanks for the reviews guys, kicked my muse into action - lol. hope you enjoy.

She pushed her hands into the pockets of her jacket, leaning against a tree she looked out across the lake. She remembered all the times that she and Catherine had spent romantic weekends up here together, the perfect escape from the hell of central Vegas.

Over the time they'd been together they'd had so many ups and downs, struggling to find the balance of colleague and lover was difficult for the two of them – the emotionally charged job proving a strain on the relationship. Also, the two had to fight to trust each other, Sara having grown up from a young age only been able to rely on herself and Catherine having been burned by love before cautious to open herself fully again. Now here they were, a family – two wonderful kids – Sara hadn't ever imagined she could love someone as much as she did.

Her mind filtered back to Nancy, the fight earlier – she wondered how much truth the words from Catherine's sister held. Was she bad for the blond? She allowed herself to slide down against the tree taking a seat at the base – she pushed her hands into her hair pushing it from her face. Taking a deep breath, her heart pounded in her chest. Was she like Eddy?

She had a temper that was for sure, she was emotionally unstable and she did use alcohol as an escape. The more she thought about it she sounded less like eddy and more like…her father. Jerry Sidle was the kind of guy people were terrified of, not because he was some big hard nock but because he was so unstable, one minuet he'd be having a conversation about dinner the next thing he'd be beating his wife around the house in front of his kids, in front of Sara. He could never admit he had a problem, and he believed her was the perfect father – had everything in check. Was Sara that person? It was he worst fear that she'd grow up to be like him, scared that it was genetic – she was destined to be the unstable, violent alcoholic her father was.

He thoughts were broken by tears slowly tumbling town her face – she hadn't even been aware she was crying until the taste of salt fell onto her lips. Using the palm of her hand she rubbed them away – still she found it hard to give that bastard tears. He didn't deserve them. "Fuck…" She growled to herself, frustration building up. Maybe everyone was right – all her life they'd said it to her.

Her mother, when Sara had seen her on the very few occasions since she'd gone to foster care after her father had been stabbed to death, had told Sara she looked the spit of her father, she acted like him… there had been times that Denise Sidle had turned her head away from her daughter unable to look her in the eyes – apparently Sara reflected her father. She never liked to admit it but from photo's she had seen of her father there was an unmistakable remembrance.

She'd been reported more times than she could remember at work, written up by superiors, due to her attitude, anger, violence – she'd had shrinks tell her she was emotionally unstable and needed to find away to take hold – not get too emotionally involved. Then there was Nancy and Lilly, they had never thought she was good for their daughter and the kids. Sara was unsure if this was due to the fact she was a woman, or the fact she was Sara. The more she thought about everything, and the more people told her all this the more she began to believe it. You get told something enough times in rings true. She finally buried her head into her hands and let out her anger and fear.

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"Mom....weres Sara?" Jason asked from where he was sat on the carpet with a mass of crayons and paper around him. Lindsey was sat on the sofa flicking through the tv and Lilly sat on the seat next to her. Catherine was on the arm chair over by the window – she looked to her son – she decided telling him Sara couldn't handle been around the family so left for a few hours wasn't an option so instead offered a smile, "She went for a walk… you know she likes the outside."

"Why didn't she want me to go?" He asked confused. Catherine's chest tightened – he looked upset. Sara and Jason were often inseparable – she'd spend so much time teaching how to play football and often take him out when she'd go for runs.

"Aww sweetie…she did but you were asleep… she'll take you out next time." Catherine explained. He seemed happy enough with that, he held up the paper he'd been drawing on and stood up – moving over to Catherine he climed up onto her.

"Look I draw-ed a pictures for Sara…" He smiled proudly. Catherine also smiled as she looked down at the colourful markings on the page. From what Catherine could tell it was Santa, and a tree. "…she'll like him?" he asked.

"Sweetie she'll love it…" Catherine hugged him closer kissing his head, "Just wait and see…" happy with this he jumped down from his seat.

"Needs more colour first…" He declared running back to his crayons.

Catherine observed him for a while longer, the look of determination on his face, concentration. She smirked and shook her head, then looked out the window over the wooded area. Sara had been gone a while now, a few hours and all the blond could do was worry – she turned back to her family – Lindsey seemed happy enough with the Christmas movie she'd found on the tv, and she was attempting to explain it to Lilly who showed no sign of understanding what was happening. He mother never had been very good at understanding the concept of watching a movie to understand what was going on, instead she opted for the ask 101 questions.

"What we watching?" Nancy smiled softly to the room as she walked in, leaning on the doorframe.

"The holiday…" Lindsey explained as she moved over further towards Lilly offering her aunt the seat on the sofa next to them.

Nancy took the offer walking through the room she sat in the seat, "Missed much?" she asked.

"Not really…" Lindsey offered, "She just moved to England…"

"I'm still not sure why?" Lilly explained.

"You'll See" Lindsey smirked not attempting to re explain the situation to her grandmother again. Catherine and Nancy smirked knowingly, they happened to catch eye contact and both smiles faded slightly into a sad exchange – neither was happy about what had happened and Catherine had hoped this holiday would fix it all but she feared it couldn't be fix.

"Hows the food coming?" she offered

"Not to bad… nearly done I think. See what it tastes like tho."

"Yeah… hope its not like moms huh?" she smirked at her sister.

"Hey…you ate it…"

"We had to… we were starved… it was four hours late" Nancy shot back, causing laughter to fill the room. Catherine watched the scene before her, but found herself again staring out the window – she pulled her knees to her chest as she worried about her girlfriend. She tried to hide her fear though, happy to see her kids smiling and laughing. The easy banter between the kids, nancy and lilly filled the room anyone who walked in now could be fooled into thinking it was a normal family christmas.