Dear Journal,
It's 3:15 p.m.
Zach is sleeping soundly. I can't really see how, considering he has an IV in his arm and oxygen going into his nose via that nasal tube thing. My heart just about broke when they put the IV needle into his arm. He kept calling for me, saying, "Mommy, help! They're hurting me!" Then, he started coughing again. They made me leave, saying my presence there was upsetting him. What a crock of shit. My presence upset my son? Sadie watched out for him for me.
While I was sitting out in the waiting room, I talked to my other child. It kept kicking rhythmically against my stomach. This baby's gotten me through a lot, the last couple of months. Honestly, if I hadn't been pregnant when Tommy sent me that email, I'd have called the CIA and the Cambodian government and Angelina Jolie and had them all track them down with me and Zach leading the pack. But then again, I'm not vaccinated against a lot of Asian strains of diseases, so I elected not to.
The last time I saw Tommy was near the end of November.
It was pouring down rain. Zach, just over two years old, was sitting in my lap and I was rocking him to sleep in the rocking chair next to the window in the living room. I watched the rain fall against the window pane. The headlights of a car penetrated the darkness and pulled into my driveway. A dark-headed guy got out of the blue Viper and headed up the walkway to the door. I froze. I hadn't seen Tommy in at least three or four months. He took his key out of his pocket and opened the door. I hadn't bothered to change the locks since he left. I had still held out hope.
The sound of the door opening made Zach's eyes shoot open. I saw the fireworks erupt in my son's eyes.
"Daddy?"
"Hey little guy," Tommy said, closing the door behind him.
"Honey, it's time for bed," I told Zach. "Give Daddy a kiss."
Zach hugged Tommy's knees and toddled toward the bedroom. I put him in his crib and put a blanket over him and kissed him good night. I walked back to the living room, where Tommy was still standing by the door, a bit unsure as to whether or not he was welcome inside.
"So. You're back," I said nonchalantly, sitting down on the couch.
"Jude, I'm --"
"Sorry? Yeah, I've heard that one before," I said. "I haven't seen you in what... six months? You missed Zach's birthday. Everyone wanted to know where you were. I can't keep saying you're on business trips when you're having a late-twenties crisis or whatever."
"Jude, commitment has never been my strong point. You knew that when we got together."
"I figured me getting pregnant at 19 would change your attitude just a little bit. I figured you would owe a sense of responsibility to your SON, at least."
"Jude, you know I love him."
"You have a hard time showing it."
"I love you."
"If you loved me, you wouldn't put me through this much heartache. Did you see Zach's eyes when he looked at you? You were like Superman to him. Superman, who always rescues Lois. Superman that always rescues his Mommy when she's sad. Tommy, he's seen me cry. He may be only two years old, but he knows. He knows I'm sad and he knows you're never here. Soon, he'll put the two together -- that I'm sad because you're not here."
"Jude, I'm scared. I can't help it."
"Look at your son. Sometimes we all get scared. Can't you be Zach's Superman? Or at least pretend to be?"
"I can be your Superman. But he's going to expect so much more of me. Maybe not right away, but soon enough."
"Tommy, just being there is enough. You don't have to have Superman powers to be there. You don't have to have Superman powers to tuck your child into bed and sing him to sleep and celebrate his birthdays and Christmases..."
"I'm scared, Jude," Tommy said. "I'm scared that I'll disappoint him. That's what I do. I disappoint people."
I walked over to him and kissed him.
"Be the wonderful person I know that's deep down in there and you'll never disappoint us."
Tommy returned my kiss. Silent tears slid down our faces as we kissed again.
The rest of the night was a blur. I know we talked. We did a few other things, too. But the next morning, it was like he was never there. I had a huge hole in my heart once more when I woke up the next morning and he was gone.
I have to go. Sadie, Kwest, and Speid are outside. They want to talk. Or cheer me up. I don't know which anymore.
Love always,
xXx Jude xXx
