Dear Journal,
I'm sitting here, the radio blasting loud through the apartment, cleaning. Zach comes home today, and I want this place sparkling. Honestly, this song is really true. I think I'll sing along.
Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown.
It's been a few days since the drama with Tommy and Speid over the baby. Speid is supposed to come over today and we're supposed to come up with some miraculous scheme to convince the world that I'm not having Tommy's baby. I've been trying to think of ways to keep myself from thinking of him. I don't know why I still feel something there after all of this drama. I know he doesn't care, no matter how much he says he does.
I wanna tear apart your room
to see if what you say is true
Darling don't you lie, lie to me
I wanna break into your heart
to see why you want us apart
Oh, I'm scared to death to find out what you think of me.
Okay, so technically, if we're going with this whole song theory, I'm the only one who wants us to be apart. But otherwise, this song is basically my life written out. I mean, Tommy and I can't be together and it's all due to timing and fate and all of this... bull shit! Ugh. I'm so sick and tired of feeling sick about this entire thing. Fate keeps people apart. Fate keeps Tommy from his children. Fate makes me have to protect my children from people who might accidentally hurt them... even if that's their father. But still... I want to be with Tommy. Is that so wrong?
Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown
This house is never going to get clean. It's a mountainous task. I don't understand how a two-year-old little boy and an extremely frustrated mom can mess up a two-bedroom flat. Well, I guess I haven't really cared much about house-cleaning lately, either. I haven't cleaned since... i don't know... maybe a week before Zach was admitted into the hospital. He's doing so much better, though. I can't wait for him to come back home today. Two hours left. I didn't tell him Tommy was in jail. That is, if he hasn't already posted bail. I wouldn't put it past him.
According to you we don't click,
that's a blatant lie and you know it
Angel, what are you hiding from me?
If there is truly another secret lunch-break,
working late lover
then I would die, but at least then I'd be free.
I've come to a new conclusion. If fate decides that you aren't met to be with someone, then you don't stand a chance. But honestly, I'd rather be with Tommy right now than with anyone else. I can't even imagine myself with anyone but Tommy. I can't imagine Zach calling anyone else Daddy, either. I mean, Tommy IS his dad and no one else will ever be biologically responsible for his being here on earth. I don't know if I'd rather die than meet someone who'll actually take care of me and my son and this new baby... but who would WANT a pregnant woman with a two-year-old son? Not many men would want to jump into that position. I can't think of any. I don't even think Jamie would do that. Of course, he's perfectly happy with his bachelorness in his little bachelor pad. Not many women with kids want someone like that as a role model for their children.
Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown.
I really need to stop obsessing over this baby thing. I mean it IS a priority, but I'm letting it interfere with my day-to-day activities. I just wish things could be easy for me like they are for normal people. Like Sadie. Sadie's in a solid relationship with Kwest and he'd never leave her. Like EVER. She's confident, she's happy, and they are so in LOVE. I wish I could have something like that. I mean, obviously, I can't have that with Tommy. We used to be like that. Before Zach was born. I'm not pinning him leaving on Zach, but as soon as he realized what being a DAD meant, he flew the coop and he wasn't really part of Zach's life at all.
Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown.
I should get out more often. I should have Sadie babysit for me and then go and try to meet new people. Maybe Kwest has other friends that won't hurt me as much as Tommy did. Let's just hope fate doesn't decide to step in and leave me with ANOTHER unplanned pregnancy. Ha! That would be my luck.
Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore
She loves salting my wounds
Yes, she enjoys nothing more
I bleed confidence from deep within my guts now
I'm the king of this pity party with my jewel encrusted crown.
I should have a jewel encrusted crown. Really. I think I'm going to buy myself a tiara for my press conference when I announce my pregnancy. Now THAT would be amazing. I have to go. I have to pick up Zach from the hospital. I have to sign him out and all. It was nice to vent.
xXxJudexXx
