Dear Journal,
I'm at the friendly abode that is my rehearsal space. It's been a while since I've been here. Since before I got pregnant, I guess. It's a great place to chill out and relax. But of course, this visit isn't for chillaxing. Speid and I are meeting here to discuss "our" baby.
I don't know if he's even told Karma. I mean, I hope he's told Karma. But I know he's nervous and when Vincent Speiderman gets nervous, he panics and procrastinates.
There's a knock at the door. I guess I should go let him in.
"Jude," he says, hugging me. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine, I guess. I just want to get this settled as best as I can."
"How's Zach?" I see the concern etched on Speid's face. Speid is Zach's biggest role model, now that he doesn't have a dad to be there for him.
"He's good. Sadie's watching him. Are you ready to get this settled?" I ask, sitting down on the sofa.
"I guess. I still don't understand why I have to be labeled as Baby Whatsit's dad, though. Not cool."
"Yeah... I know. Did you tell Karma?"
"Ummn... no," Speid answers, shuffling his feet.
"Speid!" I say admonishingly.
"It's not going to go over well, Jude."
"Well, I have to tell the entire world I'm pregnant and I really don't want to have to get up there and say I don't know WHO the dad is... I'm not a whore, Speid."
"I know. You're my friend, so I'll help you out... Besides, Karma and I are... never mind."
"What?" I ask, seeing the dejected look on his face for the first time.
"Things aren't going well. She wants to take Katie to the States to record. I don't want to move. But I don't want to lose my family, either."
I don't know what to say. I'm floored. How could Karma take their daughter and just... leave? It doesn't make any sense. I thought things had been going well for them.
"Jude, if I claim to be your baby's dad, it's going to destroy my marriage. I might never see Katie again."
"Speid, I--"
"I'm just letting you know I'm willing to take that chance. There's always the possibility that I could sue Karma and win custody of Julia in a court of law. I'm the better parent. I've basically raised Julia from birth... Karma's just been concerned with her fame and her fans, not about the important stuff." He seems genuinely upset and spits out the two words he emphasizes most, like they're poison.
"The most obvious way for you to have gotten in the predicament that you're currently in is if we... you know... had sex," Speid continues. "Do you feel comfortable telling the world that?"
"But... won't that jeopardize your chances of keeping your daughter?" I ask.
"No. Trust me, I've got enough stuff on Karma to keep the case completely shut... in my favor."
"You're sure?" I ask nervously.
"I'm positive. I've thought of nothing else for the last two days. We could create a haphazard little family. You and Zach and Katie and the new baby and me. They'd be in almost perfect stair-steps, too. Five-and-a-half and three and a newborn..."
The thought seems amazing. I mean, I don't love Speiderman the way I love Tommy, but he's always been there for me and I feel safe when I'm around him.
"Okay," I whisper.
Speid holds my hand and kisses my cheek softly.
There is a knock at the door and Speid jumps back quickly. I go to the door.
It's the redhead from the news... the one Tommy was walking down the street, macking on. I open the door cautiously.
"Hi, can I help you?"
"Yeah, I'm looking for Jude Harrison?"
"This is she," I say, leaning against the door frame.
"Oh. Well, I'm Holly Payne... Tommy's friend... and he wanted to know if he could arrange a time to pick up Zach and so we could take him to the zoo tomorrow."
"Excuse me, but will you tell him that his son just got out of the hospital today and that going to the zoo isn't the best thing for him to be doing. And please let him know that I'm the parent, so I'M doing the parenting skills. I haven't seen Tommy's ass around here taking care of his son. Until then, I'm the one doing everything, so I'll decide when and where my son goes somewhere."
"Technically, Tommy has every right to his son. So, unless you want to attend a custody hearing, you better let Tommy into his son's life. Besides," Holly says, putting her left hand on the door frame, flashing me a huge rock on her ring finger, "I'd like to meet my future step-son."
My whole world slowly begins to spin.
"Get out," I say softly.
"I really think you need to think about how your son is going to grow up, being without a loving father..." Holly continues.
"He's got a father figure, right here," I say, pulling the door back a little so she can see Speid standing in the rehearsal space, next to the door.
"Some father figure," she mutters.
"Leave, now," I say, shoving the door in her face.
I turn back to Spied and begin to cry.
Things aren't supposed to happen like this. If I lose my son, I'll die.
xXxJudexXx
