Dear Journal,

Today, I'm officially six months pregnant. I looked in the mirror a minute ago and I felt like a huge blimp. I'm surprised that no one has realized I'm pregnant, taken a picture of me, and sent it in to some tabloid. I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to get things stable for Zach and Katie and right now, I'm just exhausted. Speid keeps telling me to calm down, but I just can't.

We found a nice house just outside of Vancouver. It's a three bedroom one... two stories with a walk-out basement... just big enough for all of us. The basement's not completely finished, but it'll do until we can finish it out later... if we decide to. I'm not sure how long we plan on staying here. I've been getting antsy to start getting things ready for the baby, but I don't know whether or not it's a boy or a girl, so I can't exactly plan very well. I don't want to do the room in yellow, either. I'm thinking green... maybe a light green. But Speid'll have to paint it and I'm not exactly looking forward to asking him to paint the nursery. But, I can't because of the paint fumes and all. Maybe he'll just volunteer. I hope he'll volunteer.

We've been in Vancouver for two weeks and honestly, Speid has been my rock, my lifehouse, my... everything. It's hard to explain, but he just stepped in and filled that empty spot in our family. Zach's getting used to sharing the spotlight with Katie. I never dreamed it would be this easy. I never thought I would be able to get along without Tommy right by my side. And right now, I'm doing just fine. So fine, in fact, that I'm considering taking Speid with me and finding out the baby's gender. I've gathered a small list of names, just trying them out. I want the baby to have the same last name as Zach, just so things aren't confusing when they're in school and all. For a boy, I have Adam, Ryan, Benjamin, and Zane. For a girl, I have Aimee, Olivia, Audrey, and Juliette. I don't know yet. I'd like to find out the sex as soon as possible though because I have no idea what to name the baby. It took me forever and a day to decide what to name Zach. But with this baby, I want to use a French middle name, considering the baby is half French and all.

So, I guess Speid will have to come with me when I go to find out what the baby is. I don't want to go by myself. Besides, I think he'd probably enjoy being there. He hasn't seen the baby yet anyway. He keeps telling me that he can't wait for the baby to get here. The last two weeks have really changed him. I don't know what it is. He's just a completely different person. He's like a father figure in our little faux family. It's quite sweet, really.

Right now, I'm curled up on the couch, writing in my journal. It's late... around midnight. Speid comes over and sits next to me.

"How's the baby?" he asks.

"Fine," I answer. I can't help but notice how he smells so good right now. He just got out of the shower and his hair is messy.

"How are you?" he asks, looking me in the eyes. Our eyes lock for a second and I smile. "Fine. Other than feeling like a huge blimp and having to go pee all of the time."

"You're not a blimp. You're pregnant. You're carrying a child."

"I know," I say. "I just feel like a cow at the moment."

"Well, if you're a cow, you're the most beautiful cow I've ever seen," he says, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.

"Awww... Speid," I say, blushing. This isn't like him. Something's different. He's... flirting? I'm not really sure what to do. I mean, I really like Speid and all and he's a great guy, but... I'm not sure if I want to pursue a romantic relationship with someone who isn't my kids' dad.

I'm distracted as he puts his hand on my belly. The baby kicks and he smiles slightly. His hands are warm.

"Jude, can we... talk?" he asks.

"I'm sitting right here," I say. "Go ahead. Talk."

He gulps and I can tell he's nervous about something.

"Well, I think I'm... I don't know. Never mind. It's stupid," he says. "Forget I said anything."

I'm intrigued.

"Wait. What?" I say. "You can't just say you want to tell me something and then not tell me. That's not fair."

"Yes, it is. I can't tell you right now. It's not the right time. I'll tell you eventually, just not now."

"What's different from when we were younger and you could tell me everything? Why can you tell me 'eventually' and not now?" I ask. "I mean, I know I'm pregnant and I've got a kid, but--"

"You know that's not what it is, Jude. I love your kids like they're my own. And in every way that matters, they are."

"Then what is it? Do you not feel like you can confide in me. If you have something to tell me, tell me!" I say, getting frustrated.

"Jude, calm down, okay. It's not important. I'll tell you when the time comes, okay?"

"What do you mean by 'when the time comes?'" I ask, throwing my journal down on the couch and crossing my arms and glaring at him. "You're acting like there's an elephant in the room. I can't see anything. So why don't you tell me what's going on. Did you hear something from Tommy or that Holly girl? Did you read something?"

"No. Jude, I'm going to bed. I'll see you tomorrow morning," he says, heading for the bedroom. I sigh, knowing that until he tells me what's got him wound up tighter than a spool of thread, I'm not going to be able to get any sleep. I've always been like that.

The baby starts kicking.

I know I'm not going to get any sleep tonight

xXxJudexXx


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Leanne