Dear Journal,
Kids. You've got to love them. My son is growing up so fast. Spending time with him and watching him grow is the best thing in the world. Just the thought that I'm bringing a new life into this world so soon is incredible. It's times like this, when I'm spending time with Zach, that I think of the new baby, and what he or she is going to look like. It's also times like this that I think of Tommy.
Since the other night, I've wanted to be with Speid so badly. But every time I look into my son's face, I see his father. How can you love two people at once? I've never fallen so fast for someone in my life, so this whole thing with Speid has me just a little bit scared. I was completely head over heels with Tommy, gave birth to his son, and I'm about to give birth to his second child. Is it wrong for me to want him to be here, to witness his child's birth? It feels so wrong to want someone else... but I can't just wait around for Tommy to straighten up and take responsibility for the one child he knows he has, not to mention his unborn child. Besides, if he's really engaged to the redheaded girl... Holly? I don't know what to think. I don't know if it was a bluff or if he's really walked out on us for good.
Speid and I have been on a slightly closer level since the other day. We flirt back and forth, we smile, and we share a few tender moments here and there. Katie came over to me the other day and whispered, "I love you" in my ear. The little girl is so sweet. She's just like my own daughter. I couldn't really imagine life without her here.
Today, we're going to the park. The weather has finally gotten better... it's a nice sunny day outside. I bought Zach a soccer ball. He was watching a soccer game on TV and wanted to kick the ball like the big soccer players on TV. It was so cute. He calls it his 'occer baw.'
I guess I should go and get things packed. I'm thinking of wearing a green and white sundress. It's a maternity dress. I'm thinking of just letting the Vancouver paparazzi take the story and run and twist it into whatever they want and see what happens.
Katie is sitting in the middle of the grass, making a crown out of the little white blossoms on the ground. Zach's kicking his soccer ball across the grass. It gets closer and closer to Katie and her blossoms, so she just picks it up and throws it as far as she can to get it out of her way. But soon enough, Zach's back over there, kicking that ball again. She's so patient with him.
It feels weird, not having to worry about hiding my pregnancy. Giving up on hiding it has given me a new freedom. Speid sits besides me and occasionally puts his hand on my belly, feeling the baby kick. He mentioned a new name today... Gabriella Rose. I really like it. If the baby's a girl, I think I might name her that. But then again, I've changed my mind so many times already, it's not like I've made a decision. But I think he really wants the baby to be a girl. I haven't made my appointment to find out the baby's sex yet, though. But I really think Speid's getting anxious.
Katie flops down next to us.
"Mommy, when's the baby going to be here?" she asks.
I'm a bit taken aback by her calling me 'Mommy,' so I look at Speid.
"Is it okay with you if she calls you Mommy?" he asks.
"It's fine with me, I guess," I say. "But what about -- " A quick shake of his head tells me not to mention Karma and the fact that she abandoned their daughter. I turn back to Katie.
"The baby should be here in around two months," I say.
"Two whole MONTHS?" she sighs exaggeratedly. "That's forever!"
"It's not too long. We've still got to go and get some things for the baby," I explain. "We have to make room for him or her."
"Can we find out what kind of baby it is? Is it a boy baby or a girl baby?"
"I don't know," I answer gently. "Do you want to find out when I go to the doctor next?"
She nods vigorously.
"Can we name the baby Mickey? I like Mickey Mouse," she says.
Speid laughs.
"Honey, I don't think they name babies after cartoon characters," he says.
"Well, what about Donald after Donald Duck or Grandpa?" she says, squinching up her nose.
"No, sweetie," Speid says. "Do you want to go tell Zach to come back over here?" he asks, spotting Zach a few hundred feet away from us. "He's getting a bit too far away."
"Okay!" Katie says, skipping off to get Zach. We watch as she takes his hand and leads him back over to the blanket. They sit down and we start unpacking our lunch.
Now that the baby's getting closer and closer to being here, I'm getting nervous. I suddenly feel like I'm sucked into this family life with Speid and Zach and Katie... and deep inside, I still want Tommy to come back. How come I just can't accept the fact that he's gone and I'm better off for it?
Ugh. More later... I have to eat. Baby's kicking again.
Love always,
xXxJudexXx
Don't forget to review!! I'm kind of in a bit of a stuck spot in this story... I've been trying to dig myself out of it. I know how I want it to end up, but I just don't know how exactly I'm going to get there.
Expect a major character return in the next chapter or two... and no, it's not Tommy.
Love you guys,
Leanne
