Dear Journal,
I ended up calling Sadie back in Toronto. I explained my whole predicament to her. She ended up flying out the next morning to see me. Speid watched Katie and Zach and I drove to the airport to pick up my sister.
She came out of the terminal, smiling brightly at me. She dropped her carry-on at my feet and swept me up into an awkward hug.
"Gosh, Jude!" she said, looking me up and down. "You're getting so much bigger!" She placed her hands on my belly admiringly.
"Seven and a half months gone. Your nieces should be ready to meet you in a few weeks," I said, smiling.
"You look absolutely beautiful," Sadie said, grinning uncontrollably at me.
"Well, thanks," I said. "You look pretty snazzy yourself. How's life been?" I asked her.
"It's been alright. I've had to put up with a – well, never mind. You don't want to hear about that, now," she said distractedly. "Come on, why don't we go figure out where I'm supposed to get my suitcases?" she asked, heading back toward the terminal.
"Sadie, over here!" I called. Something wasn't right. Sadie was trying to avoid telling me something. She smiled embarrassedly and walked back in the right direction, me waddling away in front of her.
"Have you heard from Tommy lately?" I asked her.
Sadie blinked at me in shock. Not watching where she was going, she ran straight into a man carrying a vase of flowers. The vase went up into the air and Sadie caught it at the last second by the tips of her fingers.
"I am so sorry," she said apologetically. Sadie wasn't telling me something about Tommy. That was for sure. Every time I brought him up, she became exceedingly clumsy.
"Listen to me," I said, pulling her to a nearby bench and sitting down. "Tommy called me yesterday. He said he wanted me to give him another chance…"
Sadie groaned. "Jude, you're not seriously considering it, are you?" she asked me.
I didn't answer her. I put one hand on my belly and sighed.
"I know this has to be hard for you," Sadie said sympathetically. "But do you really think jumping into another insane relationship with Tommy is going to magically fix everything? How many chances have you given him? What about Spied and Katie? How are you going to rip Zach away from them without so much as an explanation as to why? How are you going to tell Spied you're leaving him?"
I couldn't help it at that point. The stress just seemed to get to me. I started crying. Sadie wrapped her arms around me and hugged me.
"Hey, it's going to be okay. I'm here. I'm going to help you through this, okay?" she said consolingly. "Just like I always do."
"M-Maybe," I stuttered, "M-Maybe it's b-better if Speid g-gets b-back together w-with K-K-Karma," I said, trying to keep from bursting into tears again. "I-I mean, K-Katie needs her mom. I'm not her mom. K-K-Karma is."
"Well, before you make any rash decisions, I should probably tell you something," Sadie said nervously. "Tommy came over two or three days ago."
I paused and turned around. "And you didn't call me immediately?" I asked, shocked.
"No, I didn't call you immediately. Because I didn't want you stressing out anymore. Jude, you need to calm down. All of this isn't good for you or the babies. You're getting close to term and you need to keep them in there for a little longer."
"Yeah, I know that," I snapped. "Why didn't you tell me about Tommy?"
"Do you want to know what happened or not?" Sadie asked me.
"Something happened?" I moaned. "Oh great. Just wonderful…"
"I wasn't going to let him in. But he was crying and he was really upset. He asked me where you went and he told me that he was so sorry for hurting you and that he had made so many mistakes… I couldn't turn him away. I let him inside and he told me that he knew he had treated you so badly and that he didn't deserve someone as wonderful as you are. I told him that if he really wanted you back, that he would have to make it up to you. I told him that you were in Vancouver. I guess he tracked you down. I didn't think that he would have actually brought Karma with him and tried to get her to take her daughter back. I thought Karma was in the States," Sadie explained.
"Apparently not," I said.
"Jude, I really do think he's trying to change. I know he's been a real jerk to you in the past…" she trailed off.
"Like coming back, telling me he missed me and then just using me for sex and knocking me up yet again? Then, ignoring me for throughout the pregnancy, punching Speid in the stomach, having Karma show up on our doorstep, and then calling me when I'm 30 weeks pregnant with his kids?" I hissed, trying to keep my voice low as a couple of older ladies passed us. "I think that qualifies as extreme jerk-doom."
"Okay, so it does," Sadie agreed. "But you can't ignore the fact that you're having his kids. Not Speid's. And that he's going to be a major part of your life for the rest of your life. He's not going to just want to ignore his three kids. He still loves you and he hates himself for being the stupid one to throw it all away because he was having some mid-whatever crisis. He was afraid to settle down. Now he's ready."
"Okay, so what if he decides to up and leave again? Then what? What do I do? Sit and home and knit until he returns safely? You know I'm not going to want to do that. I have a stable relationship right now with Speid. Why throw that all away?" I asked Sadie.
"I can't convince you on what you should and shouldn't do," Sadie said. "I can support you in your decisions, but I can't make them for you."
Gosh, Sadie makes me go crazy sometimes… I wish she could just make the stupid decision for me. I guess not.
Dear Journal,
Sadie has stayed with us for a week and a half.
I'm officially 32 weeks pregnant. Eight months. I feel so completely uncomfortable. I wish this pregnancy would just hurry up and end. I feel like a fat cow. Speiderman tells me I'm beautiful, but that really doesn't help.
I haven't really made a decision on what I'm going to do yet.
Sadie printed out a calendar and stuck it on the refrigerator. With every day that goes by, my reward is to check it off. It's actually pretty fulfilling. Believe it or not.
Sadie and I went out to pick up some stuff for the baby shower this weekend. Stuff to decorate with and things like that. We went to Babies R Us and started looking.
"Well, you're having twin girls, so you're obviously going to want a lot of pink," Sadie said matter-of-factly.
I froze in my tracks and turned to look at her.
"Pink?" I spat. "NO pink. They might be girls, but they're not going to be pansies."
"Okay," Sadie said, diving out of the way of an argument. "What color do you want for the baby shower?" she asked. "Purple?"
I shook my head and looked around for a second. "How about green?" I asked. "Something peaceful, tranquil… We can add dark purple napkins and light purple plates and stuff… And when we invite people to the shower, we can have them bring green and purple-themed gifts for the nursery," I said, smiling.
Sadie groaned.
"You realize how difficult that is going to be, right?" she asked.
"It's not going to be that hard. I'm sorry I don't want my kids looking like little Kelly dolls in a Barbie house," I said.
"That's the stupidest—oh my God. Jude, duck. Now." Sadie tried to pull me down behind a table of baby clothes and I fell. Hard.
"Ouch!" I yelled as my butt hit the concrete floor.
"Shit," Sadie said, looking up over the top of the table. "Jude, get over here."
"Why are we suddenly re-enacting Mission Impossible over here?" I groaned, getting up. I turned around and locked eyes with Tommy.
"I agree. It's rather intriguing. Found you, Sadie," Tommy said, grinning at her. He turned to me. "Are you okay?" he asked me, looking a little worried.
"I'm fine," I said, ignoring the blistering pain in my back.
Tommy looked at me strangely.
"What?" I asked him defensively.
"You're always beautiful when you're pregnant," he said. "You've never looked better."
I blushed.
"I feel like a fat cow," I said truthfully.
"That couldn't be further from the truth," he said. "You know, I meant everything I said on the phone. I really do want to be part of your life again. I was so stupid, before… I just wish I could show you how sorry I am…"
I bit my bottom lip in confusion.
"Why now?" I asked him. "Why now and not before?"
"Because then I was stupid and I didn't realize what really mattered. Someone opened up my eyes and made me see what I really wanted… what really mattered in life. It's not about remembering what you've lost. It's about looking forward to what you're going to gain. I was so stupid before. I've learned so much…"
He was standing really close to me by this point and he put both hands on my belly. I felt the babies give two really strong kicks. Looking at him, he felt them two.
"I want to be the best dad to these little guys ever. I want to be part of Zach's life again, too. And I don't want to ever see you cry again. I want to make you the happiest woman in the world." And with that, he kissed me.
I couldn't help but kiss him back. Old feelings that I hadn't felt in years enveloped me once more as we broke apart, standing in the middle of Babies R Us.
"I hope you meant girls," I said, opening my eyes to look at him.
"Girls?" he asked, confused.
"The babies. They're girls. Twin girls," I said, smiling at him.
Thanks for the reviews!!
They helped, as you can see. And, they also gave me the ambition to hurry up with another chapter. Yay!!
Once again, please review and I just might have another chapter out tomorrow or the next day. :D
