Part 4.
The room was suddenly silent. Michelle stared at Jack expectantly for some sort of response, he looked down at the floor as he refused to meet her eyes. Was he that obvious? Could she see through him so easily, he wondered? He slowly raised his eyes to meet hers, she was on the verge of tears again.
"Help with what?" He asked testily, his voice cold as he realised he had opened up too much to her. He had to shut her out again so she would leave and forget about him, then he would be alone again with the heroin.
Michelle shook her head slightly as she wondered how to respond to his question. She knew he was hiding something, and clearly hurting. She was scared to accuse him of doing drugs again in case she was wrong and hurt his feelings, but something told her she was not wrong.
"Don't underestimate me Jack, I'm not stupid," she replied coolly, a small smirk on her face. "We both know that you're hurting just as much as I am."
"Michelle, I know you're upset about Tony," he said, trying again, to create a diversion, "but there's nothing I can do about-"
"This isn't about Tony!" She snapped. A slightly startled expression spread over Jacks face, and so she continued, "I came here to talk about him, yes, but its clear to me that you have other things on your mind!"
Jack said nothing, Michelle started to get frustrated but knew it would do no good. Causing an argument wouldn't help either of them.
"You and Tony are good friends Jack, or at least you were. You trusted him enough to do the sting op with him, you cared enough to go to trial for him in the condition you were-"
"You made me go," he said, quietly interrupting her. Michelle started to laugh.
"Since when has anybody been able to make you do anything you didn't want to?"
Jack smiled a little at her words, before adding, "you know what I mean," as he sat back down at the table. He was suddenly very tired.
"No Jack," she said softly, "I don't."
The silence came back, both too hesitant to break it.
"You left CTU," Michelle blurted, breaking the awkward moment, "why?"
The question caught him off guard, he didn't know how to answer it. Finally, he went with the truth, "I had other things to do."
"What things Jack," she asked, inching her chair around the table so it was closer to him. He could see the compassion in her eyes, he didn't know how to receive it. Should he feel grateful that he did have a friend who cared for him, or should he be angry with the pity she felt? The discussion had been heated earlier, but it was calm now, and the calmness allowed the call of the drug to start up again, like a gently tugging reminder inside.
He rubbed a hand over his face, he could feel his skin getting clammy. Although the drug brought him a necessary freedom, he didn't like the sudden restraint it was creating. After rehab he knew what to expect, but he was certain he'd never feel the pains of withdrawal again, knowing he'd shoot up before they could start. Michelle's visit was unexpected and so was the pain. He didn't like it, this wasn't freedom.
He realised Michelle was still waiting for an answer. He leaned over slightly so his elbows were resting on the table as he spoke, "You know what things," he croaked, his voice tense as it anticipated what was to come.
"I do?" She asked gently, resting a hand on his arm, not wanting to hurt him, but she was certain their conversation had.
"Yes," he whispered, as tears began we well in each of their eyes, Jack quickly raised a hand to cover them, which upset Michelle even more.
"How long Jack?" Jack noted the even tone of her voice, it held no judgement or pity, somehow this alone gave him comfort.
"Since I got back," he said, sniffing once or twice as he fought for control over himself - he wouldn't allow himself to cry in her presence; but he wouldn't lie to her either. He was sick of the lies, when he was first addicted, hiding it from CTU, then in rehab, and now. He'd been lying to himself throughout all of it, he was sick of it all.
"Oh Jack," Michelle said, her voice full of pain, "why do this to yourself," she asked, shaking her head in disbelief that he had already fallen down again.
"You can't understand," he said, his voice raw with emotion, "nobody understands… not even me."
He covered his eyes again as his body started to shake, this was getting too much, he was losing all control. Michelle put her arm around him in a weak attempt to hold him but he quickly shrugged her off. He stood up from the chair, it scraped along the floor causing a screeching noise but he didn't hear it.
"Jack…" She asked, watching him with concern as he ran cold water from the tap at the sink, before washing his face with it.
He didn't answer, he proceeded to grab a small towel and dry himself off as Michelle watched him silently, almost frozen in place. How could she help him, when he couldn't help himself? She felt out of her league, but she knew she couldn't leave now. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she did.
"Jack, do you want to be like this?"
"Like what?" He snapped, suddenly defensive again. The drug was calling louder to him, somehow it strengthened his defences.
"You need a fix! Do you want to live your life this way, giving in to a drug; don't forget that this is a result of CTU," she added. She knew she had started on something when she mentioned CTU, he paled slightly.
"I made the decision, Michelle," he said quietly, Michelle decided not to pursue the topic any further. "So what now," she asked, "you go shoot up, pass out for the night, wake up tomorrow and start all over again?"
Jack said nothing, he concentrated on folding the towel up neatly before messing it up again to wipe the sweat from his face.
"Its hard Michelle, okay? Its too hard for you to understand why I'm doing this - just because you're here now you think I should quit, and maybe I agree. But its not that easy, I'll be alone again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that, and then I think why not? I've got nothing else going on! Its not like I have anybody or anything worth quitting for Michelle, so please don't think you can 'save me' because I've already thought it through, and there's nothing worth saving…"
He broke off as a stomach cramp hit him, taking him by surprise, he squeezed the towel strongly until it passed. "Look at yourself Jack," Michelle said softly, "I understand why you think what you do, but it wont always be this way…can you honestly tell me that this is what you are now, or who you want to be? Because I don't think you do…"
Shaking his head Jack tossed the towel onto the side. "That's the problem Michelle," he said quietly as he again rubbed at his eyes from tiredness, "I don't know what I want… Right now it feels as though I have no choice."
Michelle moved over to him and grabbed both of his hands in hers, forcing him to look at her, making him accept the contact. "You always have a choice," she whispered, staring him in the eyes as she nodded her head, "always."
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