Not what you expected probably. It will all even out eventually.

Chapter 15

"Uhm…Hey, Ry. It's me…Mom. I've been thinking about you lately and…" Ryan didn't wait to hear the rest of the voice message before he ripped the phone cord out of the wall it was attached to. He then proceeded to lung the entire phone and it's base across his bedroom earning a gasp from his terrified wife.

He didn't need her calling. He didn't need another problem attached to the long list that he was already carrying around. He knew nothing good would come of her calling, even if she was still sober.

"Throwing things now?" Taylor broke the silence that had taken over their bedroom. She glanced at the shattered phone and then over at her husband who was breathing heavily. Ever since he had come inside from talking to Kaitlin he had been even worse than before. That was two hours ago and the silence was starting to kill Taylor. Especially now after what he had just done.

Ryan looked at Taylor with his hands propped up on his hips before stalking out of their bedroom. He couldn't break down in front of her. He wouldn't allow himself to seem weak in his wife's eyes. The last thing he wanted was for his wife to not feel safe around him. He could hear her footsteps close behind him as he rushed down the stairs and towards the front door. She was yelling something or other but he wasn't listening. He had to get out of there.

Ryan found himself driving out of his neighborhood. He didn't have a destination in mind, he was just going to go wherever the road would take him.

He wasn't sure how but the road ended up taking him to the cemetery. The same cemetery that his foster parents were now buried in and had been for almost two months.

He didn't get out of the car right away. Instead he pounded his fists into the steering wheel a couple of times cursing himself for losing it in front of Taylor. He knew he shouldn't have done that but with everything lately he just couldn't help himself. He thought maybe it would relieve him a little bit but it had only made him feel more guilty than before.

Guilt was eating Ryan alive lately. He felt guilty for everything that was happening in his life or his families. Especially the Cohen's death.

The Cohen's death.

He knew the only way he could move on is if he let go. Letting go was going to be the easy part. Coming to terms with it all and actually talking about it, that was going to be difficult.

He hadn't cried, yet. It had nothing to do with him not being sad or not missing them. It had more to do with shock. Shock that they had died so quickly when he had just seen them the morning before. Shock overtook Ryan for three days after the death. His wife tried everything to snap him out of it but Ryan took the Sophie Cohen approach at first and chose to ignore it. He made himself believe that they weren't dead, that everyone was just lying to him or telling him some really bad joke. It all became real when Seth asked him to help plan the funeral. After that he just decided to bury it all and hide his feelings about anything concerning their death.

Ryan slowly got out of his car. He suddenly felt dizzy as he stood there in the dark looking at all the gravestones in front of him. He was starting to feel sick to his stomach thinking that two of the most amazing people he had ever met were occupying two of those gravestones.

He closed his eyes before taking a deep breath and closing his car door. He slowly made his way to Sandy and Kirsten's headstones. Kneeling down in front of them was when he lost it. Everything that he had been holding back was now flooding out of his eyes in the form of tears.

He was hurting. He had never in his life felt this much pain. He hadn't felt anything close to this when his mom just gave up and left him. Marissa's death was nothing compared to this feeling. Nothing could compare to this hurt.

He dug his face in his hands as his body heaved in sobs. He couldn't control it but he needed this. He needed to release somehow.

"Why?" He whispered through his tears to the two blocks of cement with the Sandy and Kirsten's names on them.

-

Taylor was worried sick.

The first hour after Ryan had left she had taken to cleaning the mess up in their room and anything else that could possibly be dirty.

The second hour she had started baking. It was the only way she figured she could calm herself down from whatever was happening to her husband.

The third hour is when she had taken up pacing back and forth in front of the front door with her cell phone in her hand repeatedly dialing his number. It had taken her almost 15 minutes to realize his phone was in the living room.

When it neared the fourth hour she could no longer take the waiting. She ran upstairs and knocked roughly on the guest bedroom's door to wake up Kaitlin. A groggy and very upset girl came to the door.

"What?" She asked harshly.

"I need you to keep an eye on the kids. Ryan left and I need to go find him. Even if I have no clue where he could possibly be. So, just listen out for them. Okay?"

"Got it." She barked.

"I have not done anything for you to be angry at me about so maybe you should do something about that tone." Taylor put her hands on her hips as she snapped into mom mode.

"You woke me up." Kaitlin said simply trying to soften her a voice a bit.

"Oh, well sorry but just keep your door open incase Sophie wakes up again. She's been having nightmares lately."

"Got it." She nodded still in a half sleep.

"Okay." Taylor gave her a half smile before rushing back down the stairs and throwing her coat on. She grabbed her keys and left the house as quickly as possible.

-

"Part of me figured this is where you would be." Here voice was soft and familiar. Ryan's whole body relaxed when he felt her hands on his shoulders. "You okay?"

He wasn't. Not even close.

He stayed silent as he stared at the tombstones. He had been sitting there for the past three hours just crying. He'd get close enough to trace the letters in their names and then he'd start to curse himself for letting this happen to two people that meant a lot to him. He knew that it wasn't his fault but somehow after everything he was still blaming himself.

"Have you been crying?" He felt the hands leave his shoulders to find his hands as she sat down next to him on the cold grass. "Want to talk about it?" Instead of saying anything Ryan pulled his wife close to him and rested his head on her shoulder as his body heaved with sobs again. Her hand rubbed circles on his back as she whispered in his ear.

"I…" He started but couldn't finish. The words were at the tip of his tongue but he had formed a lump in his throat that restricted him from speaking. So, he just sat there and let her comfort him.

"You've never cried in front of me." She told him. "I've always wondered why you felt you couldn't. I love you, Ry."

"I needed to be strong for you." He finally said after a few long moments of silence.

"You don't have to be. You're human and we all feel pain." She told him as she pulled her body close to his.

"You won't feel safe anymore." He had never in his life let his emotions go like this, especially not in front of his wife. It had taken everything in him to just trust her with this but it just felt right. He knew that she wouldn't judge him and he knew that she would probably be happy with the fact that he could actually emotionally let go with her.

"I will always feel safe with you, no matter what." She voiced.

"I blame myself."

"For what?" She pulled away from him realizing that he might actually talk to her instead of building his wall back up after he had finally let go.

"Them dying. For Seth being angry. For everything…"

"Why?"

"I don't know, I just feel like it's all on me." He shrugged. Taylor pulled him close again.

"They wouldn't want you to feel like this. It's not your fault. None of it is. It's just life and we have to face it." She told him.

"Together?"

"Always." She said smiling into his shoulder.

"I think I'm ready to talk, about everything but you'll have to give me time…"

"Okay." She nodded.

"Let's get home." He said pulling away from her and standing up from the ground.

"Promise me that you won't throw out telephone again. We kind of needed that." She said as he helped her up.

"It was my mom. I can't deal with her right now."

"You don't have to." She said knowing full well that her husband would eventually have to deal with his mom calling. It would eat him alive wondering what exactly she was calling for. Truth was, it would eat Taylor alive as well. She just wanted to find out. Maybe then she could either tell the woman to stay away or get her husband to accept her back into his life.

"You're amazing, you know that?" He wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they made their way to their vehicles.

"I know." She grinned. She earned a laugh from her husband that had come from deep inside of him. "What are we going to do about Kaitlin?" She wasn't sure if it was exactly the right moment to talk to him about it but she figured that since he was so open before maybe he would talk about this.

"I can't help her right now. She can stay with us but right now I just can't handle another thing on my shoulders." He sighed. "Let me deal with what's in front of me right now and I'll handle Kaitlin when things even out."

"Fair enough."

"Truthfully, I just want to see the Bullit's face when she tells him." He laughed a little.

"It will be priceless." She nodded as they reached their cars.

"I'll see you at home." He kissed her forehead before releasing her. She watched her husband walk to his car and get into the driver's seat.

She started to think about what had just happened moments before looking at Sandy and Kirsten's graves. He had actually broken down in front of her and she was actually happy about it. Sure, she hated that he was hurting like he was but never had Ryan actually shown those type of emotions to her. She finally felt like he was trusting her fully into his life and his heart, even though she knew she had stolen that years ago.