Act One, Scene One. New Earth. (Beauty and the Beast)

The curtain comes up on THE TARDIS outside the Powell Estate. ROSE approaches, loaded down by a large duffel bag. MICKEY follows, carrying a rucksack and a suitcase, as does JACKIE with a shoulder bag, a snowboard, and a sleeping bag

JACKIE. You sure you're gonna need all this stuff?

ROSE. What do you mean, it's just the essentials!

MICKEY. Yeah, what's in this suitcase? (hands it to her) It weighs, like, a ton.

ROSE. (mumbles) Oh, just about a hundred condoms.

MICKEY. What?!?!

ROSE. I mean—books. Lots of light reading, for those dull patches. You've gotta be prepared for everyfink.

JACKIE. Well, I'm really gonna miss you. (hugs her)

ROSE. Nah, I'm sure you won't even notice I'm gone.

JACKIE. (a beat) S'pose you're right. (whips out mobile) Yeah, she's almost gone. Time to par-tay!

MICKEY. Take care of yourself. (pecks her on the cheek) I love you.

ROSE. Ffanks, I'm sure I'll be fine. (moves luggage into TARDIS)

MICKEY. Ahem. I love you.

ROSE. Don't do anyfink stupid while I'm gone, yeah?

MICKEY. Ahe-Ahem! I love you!

ROSE. Um . . . Laterz!

She dives into THE TARDIS before he can say anything else. She searches for THE DOCTOR.

ROSE. Um, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR is licking the wall. He straightens up and flashes a winning smile.

THE DOCTOR. Oh, there you are. Ready to go?

She drapes herself over THE TARDIS console.

ROSE. Shall we shag now or later?

THE DOCTOR. (takes her hand) Rose, this may be difficult for you to believe, but we're supposed to be best mates. Even the dumbed-down books say so.

ROSE. (abashed) Oh. Guess I'll just chuck this suitcase of condoms out the airlock . . .

THE DOCTOR. (cheerfully) You do that.

She disappears with all her luggage.

ROSE. (from offstage) Where're we going, by the way?

THE DOCTOR. Further than we've ever gone before!

ROSE pops her head out of the corridor.

ROSE. There you go again, with the mixed signals.

THE DOCTOR. I know. That's what makes me fun. By the way, there isn't an airlock in the TARDIS.

Song. NEW EARTH (BELLE) (Menken/Ashman)

THE DOCTOR. LITTLE EARTH

WAS A SMOLD'RING CINDER

ROSE. I RECALL—

'TWAS OUR FIRST DATE!

THE DOCTOR. LITTLE EARTH

CAUSED A NOSTALGIC MOVEMENT

ABOUT THE YEAR FIVE BILLION AND. . .

ROSE. (reads something on the console) NEW EARTH!

THE DOCTOR. NEW EARTH!

He grabs her hand and they run outside. Zooming spaceships, futuristic cities in the distance, and a bucolic expanse of grass take her breath away.

ROSE. NEW EARTH?

THE DOCTOR. NEW EARTH! NEW EARTH!

ROSE. IT'S GREAT!

THE DOCTOR. (points) THAT CITY OVER THERE IS NEW NEW YORK

(bends down) AND YOU MUST TASTE THIS APPLE GRASS!

ROSE. I'D REALLY LIKE TO SAY

I LOVE TRAVELING THIS WAY

WITH YOU, AND DON'T YOU THINK—

THE DOCTOR. NOW DON'T BE CRASS.

ROSE looks puzzled. THE DOCTOR takes off his coat and puts on the grass. They both lie on it.

ROSE. New New York, eh?

THE DOCTOR. New New York. New new Doctor!

ROSE. New nude Doctor? I'm sorry?

THE DOCTOR. (scoots away from her) New new Doctor! Say, are you ready to start exploring? How about that hospital over there? I'm getting a message from the amazing psychic paper that I'm wanted there.

ROSE. Okay, then I get to make a crack about the NHS.

THE DOCTOR. Yippeee! Let's go!

They make a run for the hospital. Inside they are surrounded by patients, visitors, and cat-faced nuns, THE SISTERS OF PLENITUDE. They pass a sister blowing what appear to be balloons in funny shapes. She hands one to another sister who puts it on her head.

Song. BE OUR GUEST (Menken/Ashman)

SISTERS.

BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST!

PUT OUR SERVICE TO THE TEST!

THE DOCTOR. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

MR. PRESIDENT. I'M DYING, SIR . . .

SISTERS. BUT DON'T BE TOO DEPRESSED!

HERE WE WORK

TIRELESSLY

TO GET RID OF ALL DISEASE

THE DOCTOR. (to MR. PRESIDENT) UH, PUT YOUR FAI-TH IN THE SYSTEM . . .

ROSE. AND THAT'S SUPPOSED TO PASS AS WISDOM??

ASSISTANT. WHEN HE RAMBLES WE CAN'T BE BLAMED

UNDER DURESS—IT CAN'T BE CLAIMED—

THE DOCTOR. AH, ROSE, IT'S ONLY AN EXTREMELY ANNOYING PEST!

(to ASSISTANT) THE GALAXY, IT SEEMS

IS FULL OF YOU: EXTREMELY—

THE SISTERS push THE DOCTOR and THE ASSISTANT apart and sweep THE DOCTOR and ROSE away.

SISTERS. BE OUR GUEST,

BE OUR GUEST,

BE OUR GUEST!

THE DOCTOR. TAKE THE LIFT,

DON'T GO THAT WAY . . .

ROSE. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

ROSE gets in the lift ahead of THE DOCTOR.

THE DOCTOR. JUST WATCH OUT FOR DISINFECTING—

ROSE gets sprayed with disinfectant. She screams.

ROSE. OH, HOW DARE YOU BE BLASÉ?

THE DOCTOR. YOU GET DRENCHED,

(he gets sprayed with disinfectant) I DO, TOO

ROSE. AAAHHH! EE! OOH! EE! OOH-WOOH!

THE DOCTOR. NO ONE'S GLOOMY OR COMPLAINING

'CAUSE THE MUSIC'S ENTERTAINING.

I TELL JOKES—

ROSE. HOW 'BOUT I FLASH?

THE DOCTOR. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU, NO CHAV TRASH!

IF IT'S JUST A BIT RISQUE THEN IT WILL PLEASE.

ROSE. SO I'LL JUST PICK MY WEDGIE . . .

THE DOCTOR. THE PREVIEWS SAID SHE'D

(They are both dried and ejected) SHOW A LIL FLESH

IF YOU WANT SEX

IT'S THE SUBTEXT WE SUGGEST.

THE SISTERS appear and usher them their separate ways.

SISTERS. BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST!

A SISTER. (to THE DOCTOR) Do you know the Face of Boe well?

THE DOCTOR. Just had a passing acquaintance in one episode, really.

SISTER. He popped up a lot more than that, if you were paying attention.

THE DOCTOR. C'mon—I had Rose and Jack in the TARDIS. You really think I'm going to pay attention to anything else?

SISTER. Anyway, he's dying.

THE DOCTOR. The music is indicating we should be very gutted about this.

SISTER. Indeed.

SISTER. SPENDS MOST DAYS JUST SLEEPING

THIS OLD FACE, THOUGH IN KEEPING

WITH THE CREEPINESS, HE SINGS INSIDE MY HEAD.

THE DOCTOR. Ewww.

SISTER. AH THEY SAY THAT HE'S AN ANCIENT FOGEY

SO OLD THAT BY NOW HE REALLY SHOULD BE DEAD!

THE FACE OF BOE peeps and looks offended.

SISTER. THERE'S A LEGEND THAT THEY'RE TELLING

'BOUT A SECRET HE'S GOT WELLING

INSIDE THAT GREAT BIG BRAIN HE'S GOT TO SHARE

ONLY TO A TRAVELLER HE'LL TELL IT—

THE DOCTOR. GASP! HE MUST MEAN ME!

SISTER. WAIT 'TIL THE END AND YOU WILL SEE!

Meanwhile, the SISTERS disappear into a secret vault with rows and rows of cells.

HEAD SISTER. BE OUR GUEST! BE OUR GUEST

(to a patient) YOU ARE OURS ON WHICH TO TEST

(stabs him with a syringe) WE'LL INFECT YOU WITH ALL DISEASES AND SIT BACK

AND WATCH THE REST!

PATIENT. Aaaaaoooggggh! Help me!

HEAD SISTER. CHOLERA, CHICKEN POX

SYPHILIS AND FREEZIAN LOX—

SISTERS. WHEN YOU'RE RADIOACTIVELY GLOWING

YOUR RESULTS TO US ARE SHOWING

THE WAY TO END ALL DISEASE

WE MISGUIDEDLY AIM TO PLEASE.

(to audience) NOW WE GIVE YOU ALL A MINUTE TO DIGEST

THE ETHICS OF IT ALL

(LEST YOU SHOULD THINK AT ALL)

SO BE OUR GUEST!

BE OUR GUEST!

BE OUR GUEST!

PLEASE, BE OUR GUEST!

Meanwhile, ROSE is in the basement. CASSANDRA and CHIP are there, too.

ROSE. You!

CASSANDRA. Yes, me. Hello, chav.

ROSE. I'm not a chav!

CASSANDRA. For the purpose of this episode, you are. We can't milk the jokes if we don't have proper material.

ROSE. But I saw you die! You dried up, you sizzled an' stuff. If you're alive, that negates the Doctor's assertion of personality from day one! You repudiate his qualities of cosmic angst!

CASSANDRA. Yes, I know. Muhahahaha!

CHIP jumps out of the shadows.

CHIP. Hello, precioussssssss!

CASSANDRA. This is Chip. He's a force-grown clone.

ROSE. A force-fed gnome?

CASSANDRA. A force-grown clone! He likes to sing and has a passion for china. Here, sit down and watch my home movies!

ROSE. I don' wanna.

CHIP throws a switch and an old reel of film starts to play.

ROSE. That you?

CASSANDRA. Of course. What were you expecting?

ROSE. I was hopin' for the lost reels of the 1960s episodes.

Song. 3-D AGAIN (HUMAN AGAIN) (Menken/Ashman)

CASSANDRA. I'LL BE COOKING AGAIN,

BE GOOD-LOOKING AGAIN—

(to herself on screen) IN FACT, I'LL BE LOOKING LIKE YOU …

WHEN I'M 3-D AGAIN,

ONLY 3-D AGAIN,

THOUGH YOU SAW ME GET FRIED, THAT IS TRUE.

I'LL EVOKE SYMPATHY

FROM THE AUDIENCE, SEE,

(to ROSE) LIKE I WOULD IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU!

ROSE. HEY, THAT WAS YOUR FAULT!

CASSANDRA. DO I CARE? NOT A JOT!

FORTUNATELY MY BRAIN MADE IT THROUGH!— (indicates her brain in a jar)

WHEN I'M 3-D AGAIN,

ONLY 3-D AGAIN—

ROSEDOES THIS GO ON INDEFINITELY?

CASSANDRA. (indicates film playing) LOOK AT ME THERE—

I HAD HIPS, I HAD HAIR!

I WAS GENUINELY PLEASING TO SEE!

I'VE HIJACKED THIS SHOW

SO RTD CAN JUST THROW

HIS CHARACTERS—RECYCLED AT THAT!

(innocently) I WAS JUST MINDING MY TAT

AND THEN I WENT SPLAT!

ROSE. OH, THAT'S CRAP!

CASSANDRA. I'LL BE 3-D AGAIN!

ROSE. How do you plan on doing that?

CASSANDRA. Er … go stand over there.

ROSE. Over here?

CASSANDRA. Oh, yes, that's perfect.

ROSE. Why am I standing here?

CASSANDRA. Now you're my prisoner and I shall steal your body! Muhahahaha!

CHIP throws a switch. CASSANDRA jumps into ROSE's body.

Song. ME (Menken?)

CASSANDRA/ROSE. I'VE BEEN DREAMING

JUST ONE DREAM

THROUGH ALL THIS NIP AND TUCK:

HOPING, SCHEMING

JUST ONE THEME—

GOT TO FIND A SCHMUCK,

STEAL HER BODY, A CASTLE THAT'S BOUNC-Y—

GOOD NEWS, THAT CASTLE'S ME! (feels herself up)

(picks up mobile) 'Ello Govna! Be right there!

She takes the lift to see THE DOCTOR.

THE DOCTOR. Rose! There you are! You've been missing a lot of important stuff. (looks down) Rose, your top is unzipped. I sense falling bosoms.

She grabs him and kisses him.

ROSE. muss muss muss

THE DOCTOR. . . . Okay then. Come on.

They discover the secret store of cells and patients.

THE DOCTOR. (outraged) It's a human farm!!

HEAD SISTER. They're not real people.

THE DOCTOR. I ADMIT THAT

I WAS STRUCK

BY ALL THESE PERFECT CURES.

NOW, NO SHIT THAT

YOU'RE CORRUPT

I'M NATURALLY ASSURED

THAT YOU'LL PAY THE PRICE—AND NOW I POSE:

WHAT THE HELL'S UP WITH ROSE?

CASSANDRA/ROSE. It's me, Doctor. I stole her body!

THE DOCTOR. No, it can't be—the Master!

CASSANDRA/ROSE. Er, no.

THE DOCTOR. The Rani!

CASSANDRA/ROSE. Try again.

THE DOCTOR. Er . . . Michael Grade?

CASSANDRA/ROSE. Come on, Doctor. (grabs his tie)

THE DOCTOR. Oh, Cassandra!

CASSANDRA/ROSE. Yup, and now I'm going to set free all the zombies.

HEAD SISTER. They're not zombies. They're patients infected with every disease in the universe.

CASSANDRA/ROSE . Whatever.

The patients escape. Everyone screams and starts running.

CASSANDRA/ROSE. And now I'm going to see what it's like to be a self-absorbed, self-righteous, ever-so-slightly pathetic Time Lord.

THE DOCTOR. Who do you mean?

CASSANDRA jumps into THE DOCTOR.

CASSANDRA/THE DOCTOR. WOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN A MAN,

BOY, THIS IS A TRIP!

I'LL MAKE THIS AWKWARD AS I CAN—

RATHER LIKE THIS SCRIPT!

THIS HEAD IS FULL OF LOTS OF STUFF, YOU SEE—

(to ROSE) JUST LIKE IN YOUR HEAD—

FANCIED HIM A BIT, YOU DID—

THIS BODY'S QUALITY—

FOXY AS ALL HELL (s/he strokes her/himself)

(shrugs) LIVE ONCE—MIGHT AS WELL . . .

ROSE, ARE YOU READY . . . ?

You said you wanted a shag. Up to it now?

ROSE. Uh … not really.

CASSANDRA/DOCTOR. Ah well, missed your one and only chance!

ME!

ROSE. But thanks for asking?

The hordes, who have been staring at this interesting transformation, descend.

PARODY WRITER. In brief, the Doctor and Cassandra/Rose escape but Cassandra is forced to cooperate with the Doctor as she jumps back and forth between bodies. Then the Doctor has the brilliant if somewhat inexplicable idea to take all the cures and mix them together and disinfect everyone.

ROSE. Don't forget the part where he puts on his glasses.

PARODY WRITER. I was just getting to that.

THE DOCTOR puts on his glasses.

PARODY WRITER. Cassandra, still in Rose's body, helps him. Everyone's cured, starts hugging, and sings "Kumbaya."

EVERYONE. KUMBAYA MY LORD,

KUMBAYA . . .

THE DOCTOR and CASSANDRA/ROSE walk by THE FACE OF BOE.

THE DOCTOR. So you, um, had a secret to tell me?

THE FACE OF BOE. I'm not actually dying. Suckah!

PARODY WRITER. Chip, whom the Doctor rather callously left to die at the hands of the infected masses—

THE DOCTOR. Hey!

PARODY WRITER. –Miraculously survives. The Doctor insists Cassandra take the opportunity to die.

ROSE. Why did you just summarize all that?

PARODY WRITER. You try adapting all that to "Be Our Guest," one of the most challenging songs to parody in the English language!!

ROSE. Point taken.

Song. HOME (Menken?)

CASSANDRA/ROSE. YES, I MADE THE CHOICE—

THE DOCTOR. CASSANDRA, YOU CAN'T STAY!

CASSANDRA/ROSE. BUT I DON'T DESERVE TO LOSE

MY FREEDOM IN THIS WAY!

COME HERE, CHIP—

She jumps into CHIP.

THE DOCTOR. (to CASSANDRA/CHIP) IF YOU THINK THAT WHAT YOU'VE DONE

IS RIGHT, WELL THEN—

CASSANDRA/CHIP. (gasps) I'M DYING!

THE DOCTOR. (less enthusiastically) –THINK AGAIN . . .

Come on, into the TARDIS.

ROSE. Doctor, I thought you said no second chances!

THE DOCTOR. Did I? When was that?

ROSE. Like, yesterday.

THE DOCTOR. New new Doctor. Get used to contradictions . . .

THE DOCTOR, ROSE, and CASSANDRA/CHIP get into THE TARDIS. They climb out again at a very familiar-looking party.

CASSANDRA/CHIP. IS THIS HOME?

DOESN'T THIS CREATE A TIME PARADOX?

THE DOCTOR. NEVER MIND

HURRY UP AND FIND YOURSELF 'FORE YOU DIE!

CASSANDRA/CHIP. (to YOUNG CASSANDRA) HEY, YOU, HI!

YOUNG CASSANDRA. OH, DO YOU MEAN ME?

CASSANDRA/CHIP. YES! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, OH MY!

YOUNG CASSANDRA. THANKS, YOU ODD LITTLE CREATURE . . .

CASSANDRA/CHIP dies.

YOUNG CASSANDRA. OH MY GOD, YOU DIDN'T JUST DIE!

THE DOCTOR. NOTHING LASTS, NOTHING HOLDS . . .

(to ROSE) LET US GO . . .

ROSE. THAT WAS, UH, ALMOST SAD—

THE DOCTOR. YES, I KNOW!

ROSE. Time to go?

He nods. She grabs for him.

THE DOCTOR. No more mussing!

ROSE. Awwww.

Next time: Scene Two. Tooth and Claw. (Jane Eyre, with a touch of the Barenaked Ladies)