Scene Two. Tooth and Claw. (Jane Eyre, with a touch of the Barenaked Ladies)
The scene opens in the courtyard of a nineteenth-century manor house. A group of hooded MONKS approach the STEWARD and his men
STEWARD. Gah home noo, Father. We're all Presbytiirians here.
FATHER ANGELO. Sure you don't want a St. Christopher's medal?
STEWARD. Thanks, but noah thanks. By the way, what do you have in the crate?
FATHER ANGELO. Wouldn't you like to know?
The MONKS throw off their robes to reveal Asian-style jumpsuits.
STEWARD. Oh, ah like yer silk pyjamas! Where cannae get a pair?
The MONKS produce staves and menace the STEWARD and his men.
FATHER ANGELO. Friar Tuck, eat your heart out.
Song. MAD MONKS (ONE WEEK) (Page/Robertson)
FATHER ANGELO WICKED-Y MAD MONKS, A SCI FI LARRIKIN
THINK YOU GOT THE WRONG CHANNEL ON; WATCH THE PLOT THICKEN
(starts attacking) WATCHING THE WHO WITH NO LIGHTS ON
BEHIND THE SOFA, HON
YOU'LL SCRATCH YOUR HEAD WITH THIS ONE.
The MONKS fly around, fighting. Something in the crate rumbles.
EUROS LYN. ATTENTION SPANS ARE GETTING FRANTIC
CAN'T GIVE 'EM TANTRIC—
MATRIX-STYLE IS GUARANTEED TO SATISFY
LIKE KUROSAWA I MAKE MAD FILMS
'KAY, I DON'T MAKE FILMS
BUT IF I DID THEY'D HAVE A SAMURAI.
Flashback to "The Deadly Assassin" as the Samurai menaces Tom Baker in the Matrix. Meanwhile, in the TARDIS, ROSE is ripping the hem of her denim overalls.
THE DOCTOR. What are you doing?! I just bought you those!
ROSE. It's called fashion, Doctor.
GOTTA GET A SET 'A BETTER DUDS
GOTTA FIT IN, THE KIT'S IN, M'LUD
'CAUSE YOU DECIDED TO TAKE US TO A FOOTBALL MATCH1.
THE DOCTOR. GOTTA GET IN TUNE WITH THE FULL MOON
OR IS THAT TOO SOON? FORESHADOWING THE DOOM—IS MY STRONG POINT
(looks at ROSE) OH WELL, IF YOU'RE A LITTLE BIT MISMATCHED . . .
ROSE. Oi! I heard that!
THE DOCTOR. HOW CAN I HELP IT IF I THINK YOU'RE FUNNY WHEN YOU'RE MAD?
TRYING HARD NOT TO SMILE, THOUGH I FEEL BAD
I'M THE KINDA GUY WHO CAUSES A LOT OF FUNERALS—
ROSE. I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SAY, THOUGH YOU MEAN WELL . . .
THE DOCTOR. I HAVE A TENDENCY TO WEAR MY MIND ON MY SLEEVE
I HAVE A HISTORY OF LOSING MY SHIRT—
ROSE. (very excitedly) You do?!
THE DOCTOR. (coughs) Not really. I have no idea why I just said that. It's almost as if someone's putting words in my mouth. Anyway, are you ready?
ROSE. Nineteen-seventy-nine, here I come!
As THE DOCTOR and ROSE step out onto a rolling moor, they see a long train of official-looking horse-drawn carriages. QUEEN VICTORIA steps out of one of them.
ROSE. Is that--?
THE DOCTOR. Your Majesty. Ah'm Doctor James McCrimmon (elbows ROSE) and this is my research assistant, Rose Tyler.
ROSE. (curtseying) Ma'am. Uh . . . sorry I'm naked.
VICTORIA. What on Earth do you mean?
THE DOCTOR. Pay noah attention to yon timorous beastie—a learned Rabbie Burns reference, in case you thought ah was dumbing-down.
ROSE. What's with the accent?
VICTORIA. I am on my way to Sir Robert Macleish's estate. Feel free to tag along.
THE DOCTOR. Thank you, Yoor Majesty.
ROSE.to THE DOCTOR) Bet you five quid I can make her say "we are not amused."
THE DOCTOR. Er . . . okay. On second thought, this doesn't even look like Scotland. It looks like a cleverly-disguised Wales
ROSE. Doctor, who's James McCrimmon?
THE DOCTOR. Don't be so lazy! Look it up!
They make their way to the estate.
Song. PERFECTLY NICE (Jane Eyre)
VICTORIA. IT'LL BE PERFECTLY NICE
HAVING SOMEONE WITH WHOM TO CONVERSE
YOU TWO SEEM FINE,
IF A LITTLE PERVERSE (looks at ROSE)
ROSE. AND IF I'M A TINY BIT TERSE
IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I FLUNKED HIS-TOR-Y
SO THE 'WE'RE NOT AMUSED'
GETS USED FREQUENTLY.
THE DOCTOR. YOUR MAJESTY, DON'T MIND THE LASS,
SHE'S NUDE BUT IT'S NOT HER FAULT, AND LOOK AT THAT A—
ROSE. (elbows him) HE'S REALLY A DEAR,
IF A TINY BIT QUEER.
VICTORIA. HERE WE ARE AT THE TORCHWOOD ESTATE—
ROSE. (whispers, to THE DOCTOR) Torchwood?
SIR ROBERT MACLEISH. OH YOUR MAJESTY'S HERE . . . ISN'T THAT GREAT?
THE DOCTOR. Shut up, Rose!
SIR ROBERT. WON'T YOU COME IN?
VICTORIA. SIR ROBERT, MY DEAR . . .
ROSE. I'm freezin'!
SIR ROBERT. ALL OF YOU, STEP IN TO THE HOUSE . . .
INCLUDING THE NAKED GIRL, WHO'S NOT REALLY NUDE
MY WIFE ISN'T HERE—
VICTORIA. THAT'S A BIT RUDE!
THE DOCTOR. HEY, DINNAE WANT TO SEEM A PRUDE,
BUT THE WOMENFOLK HAVE ALL DISAPPEARED . . .
AND ALL THESE MONKS SEEM
JUST A LITTLE BIT WEIRD . . .
SIR ROBERT. My wife is regrettably indisposed. But if Your Majesty and your entourage will come this way . . . Perhaps Your Majesty would be interested in seeing the telescope, called The Endeavour, which my wacky father left behind?
THE DOCTOR. Oooh, me, me! I wanna see!
SIR ROBERT. This way. I think you'll find it an Important Plot Point.
The MONKS watch the goings-on as the party makes its way to the study. VICTORIA, then ROSE and THE DOCTOR examine The Endeavour in succession. THE DOCTOR puts on his glasses.
Song. THE RUDER THINGS (THE FINER THINGS)
VICTORIA. (to SIR ROBERT) YOU HAVE SUCH EXQUISITE TASTE
(I MEAN, FOR RURAL
BUMPKINS) AND I APPROVE.
THIS, NOW, FOR SURE'LL
BLOW THE SMUG DOCTOR AWAY (IS THE PHRASE)—
ROSE. YEAH RIGHT, THAT'LL BE THE DAY! I mean . . .
SIR ROBERT. WE'RE LUCKY TO LIVE
IN THE GREAT AGE OF SCIENTISTS
LIKE MY FATHER BEFORE ME . . .
VICTORIA. A SAGE! I INSIST
HE APPEAR IN AN EPISODE
NEXT SEASON!
RUSSELL T DAVIES. YEAH, WE'RE WORKING ON IT . . .
VICTORIA. I'M QUEEN! THAT'S ENOUGH OFA REASON!
THESE ARE THE FINER THINGS—
THE DOCTOR. BIT OF RUBBISH, DON'T YOU THINK?
VICTORIA. REALLY, I'M QUITE SURPRISED—!
THE DOCTOR. DOESN'T WORK—SEEMS TO BE A KINK—
WITH ALL THESE MIRRORS, NOT A CHINK—
OR MAYBE I'M BEING RUDE?
THOUGHT THE GLASSES WOULD
EXONERATE ANYTHING . . .
VICTORIA. DON'T BE CRUDE!
THE DOCTOR. SORRY, DIDN'T—
ROSE. YOUR MAJESTY, PERHAPS YOU'RE NOT--?
VICTORIA. AMUSED? YOU ARE TEDIOUS!
SIR ROBERT. (ushering them out of the room) PERHAPS SUPPERTIME . . .?
They leave THE DOCTOR behind, who is still examining the telescope.
THE DOCTOR. HMM … WHAT?
He hurries to join them.
VICTORIA. Perhaps Miss Tyler can use this opportunity to don more appropriate attire?
THE DOCTOR. Yeah, and try this time noot to look like a Victorian hooker!
ROSE. Doctor! I thought you said I looked beautiful!
THE DOCTOR. (grins) New new Doctor . . .
SIR ROBERT. Perhaps you'd like to get changed, too, Doctor McCrimmon?
THE DOCTOR. Oh noah, cannae be bothered . . . Very busy and important, me . . .
ROSE. Sexist alien pig!
ROSE storms off to her room and throws gowns off the shelves. She takes out tails and considers them before throwing them on the bed. She opens a cupboard and finds a MAID inside.
MAID. Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!
ROSE. Jesus, what're you hidin' around in people's cupboards for?
MAID. Sorry, ma'am, but seein' as how you're the bleedin' heart on this show, I thought you could be counted on to help me.
Meanwhile, at the dinner table, VICTORIA., SIR ROBERT, and THE DOCTOR are chatting. SIR ROBERT has just finished telling a story about werewolves.
THE DOCTOR. So, do you, like, miss Albert?
VICTORIA. Like, duh. Ahem, I mean . . . completely.
Song. THINGS BEYOND THIS EARTH
VICTORIA. SYMPATHIES EXIST
PRESENTIMENTS AND SIGHS
THAT BAFFLE OUR MORTAL COMPREHENSION
A GHOST STORY'S NOT
JUST FOR THE KIDS
IT'S THE CHARM THAT THEY WILL HEAR . . .
IF SUCH THINGS EXIST,
THINGS BEYOND THIS EARTH,
THINGS BEYOND OUR SACRED
THOUGHTS OF HEAVEN
WE ARE SO EAGER TO COMMUNICATE
UNTIL THEN, WE WAIT.
SIR ROBERT. That was lovely, Your Majesty.
THE DOCTOR. (his mouth stuffed with food) Yemsf, meghffy good.
SIR ROBERT. Kay, I'm gonna tell you all about the monks.
THE DOCTOR. Why now? Why not before?
SIR ROBERT. They had my wife.
THE DOCTOR. Yeah, they've still got your wife.
SIR ROBERT. Yeah, but I'm telling you anyway.
VICTORIA. Doctor, what happened to your accent? I demand to be answered.
THE DOCTOR. Er . . . speech therapy?
Song. INCIDENT AND ESCAPE (SIRENS)
SIR ROBERT. DAMN THE DANGER, DAMN THE MONKS—
THE DOCTOR. DON'T YOU WORRY, THEY'RE JUST PUNKS,
JUST
GOTHIC STEREOTYPING AT ITS WORST!
SIR ROBERT. THEY MADE ME
SILENT, 'GAINST MY WILL
SO OUR MAJESTY THEY'D KILL
THEY'VE
GOT SOMETHING IN A CAGE THAT'S CURSED …
VICTORIA. OH
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,
'CAUSE THIS IS BAD,
IT'S TREASONOUS!—
THE DOCTOR. I THINK IT'S WORSE THAN THAT!
FOR THE CREATURE YOU CALL WEREWOLF
IS ON THE PROWL . . .
Meanwhile, in the cellar, ROSE is chained up with the rest of the servants. The big crate at the beginning is in the middle of the floor. Everyone watches it nervously.
MAID. GOD SAVE US IF WE CAN BE SAVED!
ROSE. PLEASE, YOU GUYS, LET'S JUST BE BRAVE
I'VE
GOTTEN FREE ENOUGH TIMES TO KNOW
IF THE DOCTOR'S NOT AROUND,
AN' IF YOUR JUDGEMENT'S MORE THAN SOUND,
YOU'VE GOT A CHANCE OF ESCAPING, SO . . .
She approaches the crate. A figure appears in the low light.
Song. EXPOSITION (PAINTING HER PORTRAIT)
WEREWOLF. IT'S NO USE IN TRYING
TO GET FREE FROM THIS ONE—
I'VE CARVED OUT THIS BOY'S HEART
AND SAT IN ITS PLACE.
AS FOR CONTINUITY
I MIGHT AS WELL ADD THAT
YOU HAVE SOMETHING OF
THE WOLF IN YOUR FACE! (ROSE flinches)
DON'T FORGET THAT I'M A SUPERIOR RACE.
I'M BITING YOUR QUEENIE
TO TAKE OVER ENGLAND
I AM YOUR TYPICAL
MEGLOMANIAC!
He escapes and under the light of the full moon, transforms into a werewolf. His howls can be heard all over the estate. The MONKS scatter, and THE DOCTOR leaps to action.
VICTORIA. OH DEARIE ME
I MUST GET FREE!
SIR ROBERT. WE'D BETTER SCRAM!
THE DOCTOR. TO THE LI-BRAR-Y!
VICTORIA. BUT I'LL WHIP OUT THIS DERRINGER
TO SHOW I'M BUTCH.
Do you feel lucky, punk?
She shoots FATHER ANGELO.
ROSE. DOCTOR, I AM
GOING TO KILL—
OH MY GOD—
GUYS, MOVE YOUR BODS!
UP THE STAIRS—
DON'T YOU DARE!
As ROSE frees the servants, they try to escape from the cellar. THE DOCTOR appears.
ROSE. Have you thought up some brilliant plan?
THE DOCTOR. I believe I have. Run!
They run.
ROSE.
I CANNOT STAND ANOTHER RUN—
THOUGH
IT NICELY TONES MY BUN—UP STAIRS
THE DOCTOR. NOT NOW,
WE'VE GOT TO SAVE THE QUEEN.
He looks out the window and sees the MONKS holding branches outside the house.
WHAT
ARE THE MONKS DOING WITH THOSE TREES?
ROSE. IF HE'S A
WEREWOLF, CAN'T WE USE THE SILVERWARE?
In a room nearer to the cellar, the STEWARD and his men load guns.
STEWARD.
DAMN
THE ENGLISH, DAMN THEIR GUNS,
LET'S LOAD UP OURS AND HAVE SOME FUN
WE'LL PUMP THIS CREATURE FULL OF LEAD!
Lots of shooting. The bullets, duh, have no effect on the WEREWOLF.
THE
DOCTOR. NAH, THAT'S MYTH BUT MISTLETOE
APPEARS TO BE THE
WEREWOLF'S FOE
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THE WRITER'S SAID.
They run into VICTORIA, SIR ROBERT, and LADY MACLEISH.
VICTORIA. OH DON'T FORGET THE BOX
WITH THE THING INSIDE . . .
SIR ROBERT. COME ON, YOUR MAJESTY—
ROSE. WE HAVE TO HIDE!
LADY MACLEISH. OH ROBERT YOU MUST KISS ME!
ROSE looks longingly at THE DOCTOR.
THE DOCTOR. LET'S NOT WASTE TIME.
They barricade themselves in the library. The WEREWOLF sniffs around and walks away.
THE DOCTOR. I'M GONNA LICK THIS BOOKSHELF WALL—
ROSE.
OH NOT AGAIN . . .
THE DOCTOR.(licking it)A-HA, A-HA, IT'S AS I THOUGHT
(to SIR ROBERT) YOUR DAD WAS QUITE THE CLEVER MAN!
AND I BELIEVE IT'S MISTLETOE . . .
NOW
READ SOME BOOKS (throws books at people)
VICTORIA.HERE'S
THE KOH-I-NOOR!
ROSE. WHAT'S THAT FOR?
THE DOCTOR. OH BRILLIANT, THAT—
FIRST, A CAVEAT:
WEREWOLF. OOOOOOOOOOOH!
THE DOCTOR. TO THE TELESCOPE!
TO THE TELESCOPE!
WEREWOLF. OOOOOOOOOOOH!
SIR ROBERT. BOLD DECOY!
SACRIFICE!
USELESS DEATH!
MY DEATH!
SIR ROBERT runs out to meet his doom. THE DOCTOR, and ROSE run to the study. THE DOCTOR throws the diamond into the telescope. He flashes it at the WEREWOLF and it slowly dissolves.
ROSE. How did you do that?!
THE DOCTOR. Dunno.
Later, ROSE and THE DOCTOR are kneeling in front of VICTORIA.
Song. PAINTING HER PORTRAIT (cont'd).
VICTORIA. I'M KNIGHTING ROSE TYLER,
KNIGHTING THE DOCTOR,
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS
IN THE EXTREME.
BUT NOW I'M EXILING
THE WHO GOLDEN COUPLE
TO PROVE JUST HOW MEAN I AM
TO THE BRITISH TODAY.
Stung, THE DOCTOR and ROSE leave. They walk back to the TARDIS.
ROSE. What'd she do that for?
THE DOCTOR. Guess to enact a ban on writing any stories for the near future that would feature the British Victorian era.
ROSE. Hmm, can see her point. We've already hung around with Dickens—
THE DOCTOR. And before that, I pretended to be Sherlock Holmes.
ROSE. You? Sherlock Holmes?
THE DOCTOR. Nah, you've got to be quiet now so I can basically imply that the entire Royal Family are a bunch of werewolves in a lame attempt to explain Queen Victoria's haemophilia which she later passed on to her descendents, including Tsar Nicholas' son Alexei . . .
ROSE. Oh. So, how about that football match?
Next time: Scene Three. School Reunion. (Grease)
1 I've been informed that they actually went to a punk concert, which is true, but then I would have to change the rhyme. Same difference anyway.
