V. Scene Five. Girl in the Fireplace. (Passion, with a touch of Jekyll/Hyde)

THE TARDIS materializes on a spaceship. MICKEY, ROSE, and THE DOCTOR step out.

MICKEY. Whoa! A spaceship on my first go!

ROSE. Well, it was either that or an alien planet or Earff—not much choice when it comes down to it.

THE DOCTOR. I'm just gonna be paradoxical over here.

MICKEY. And I'm gonna be unwittin'ly cannibalistic. Smells like Sunday lunch.

THE DOCTOR. That's not something you see every day.

MICKEY. What?

THE DOCTOR. Oh, technobabble, gobbledygook, something I just made up.

STEVEN MOFFAT. Actually, I made it up.

Song. OLD FRENCH FIREPLACE (HAPPINESS). (Sondheim)

THE DOCTOR. OLD FRENCH FIREPLACE

ROSE. WHAT'S IT DOING ON A SHIP?

MICKEY. OLD FRENCH FIREPLACE . . .

THE DOCTOR. (he looks through it; a girl looks back at him) OH ISN'T THIS A TRIP?

WHO ARE YOU THEN, MAM'SELLE?

YOUNG REINETTE. I AM CALLED REINETTE!

THE DOCTOR. THIS IS SOME OLD FIREPLACE . . .

Cool. Eighteenth-century France.

MICKEY. The TARDIS even translates French? Can I make more French jokes?

THE DOCTOR. Make all you want! We've got forty-five minutes to fill, and I can't keep milking the routine fire-check one.

He sets off the revolving mantle and walks through to REINETTE's room.

THE DOCTOR. OLD FRENCH FIREPLACE

THIS IS EIGHTEENTH CENTURY, IS IT NOT?

YOUNG REINETTE. (YES, M'SIEUR, WHO ARE YOU?)

THE DOCTOR. OLD FRENCH FIREPLACE (he glances a the broken clock)

WHAT IS THAT ANNOYING TICKTOCK?

YOUNG REINETTE. (WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BEDROOM?)

THE DOCTOR. CAREFUL THERE, YOUNG REINETTE

WE'RE TREADING WOBBLY GROUND

IT'S A BIT PERVY, REINETTE

I THINK I'M GOING TO DROWN

IN INNUENDO

YOUNG REINETTE. WHAT'S INNUENDO?

THE DOCTOR. THIS IS SO MUCH MORE

THAN ANY OTHER FRENCH FIREPLACE . .

Here, Reinette, get on your bed.

YOUNG REINETTE. Gasp!

THE DOCTOR. There's a man-sized clock-thing in the room somewhere, and I don't mean me. And pretend you're on an airplane. Keep your tray table in the upright position and your hands and legs inside the conveyance.

She gets on the bed. He looks underneath it.

THE DOCTOR. Don't look.

She looks.

THE DOCTOR. Aaaah! Creepy-looking clockwork person stolen from Justin Richards! I mean, don't be afraid, Reinette. Even monsters have nightmareS.

YOUNG REINETTE. WHAT KIND OF NIGHTMARES, SIR?

THE DOCTOR. THAT'S JUST IT—OF ME!

ROBOT. SHE IS INCOMPLETE--

YOUNG REINETTE. SIR?

THE DOCTOR. OH, THIS IS QUITE A TREAT!

He grabs the ROBOT and pulls it with him onto the spaceship.

THE DOCTOR. FIRE EXTINGUISHER;

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!

ROSE. What, me?

THE DOCTOR. Nah, this clockwork thingee. That just teleported away.

ROSE and MICKEY stare at him.

THE DOCTOR. Tell you what, you two wait here and I'm gonna go after that pre-pubescent girl. See ya.

He runs back into the fireplace. The furnishings have changed. Grown-up REINETTE stands before him. He has his glasses on, and she pants. He plays idly with a nearby harp.

THE DOCTOR. Some veiled reference to "The Five Doctors" before I ask you, nice deep-bosomed woman, where Reinette went.

REINETTE. A-HEM! I'm Reinette, and I'm so uppity I order my own mother around.

THE DOCTOR. You're Reinette?

REINETTE. How terribly impolite of you, Fireplace Man, to stare at my breasts. Persistence, yaddah yaddah, imaginary friend, you seem to be flesh and blood. (grabs him) I've known you since I was seven years old. Now I'd like to know you in the Biblical sense.

THE DOCTOR. Um.

REINETTE. You're still staring. Reason should dictate—

THE DOCTOR. Oh, forget reason! It never meant much this season anyway!

She pulls him closer.

THE DOCTOR. THIS IS GETTING A LITTLE ODD. . .

REINETTE. (YOUR EYES, YOUR LIPS, YOUR HAIR!)

THE DOCTOR. I CAN'T CONCENTRATE—OH GOD—

REINETTE. (YOUR ARSE—I WANT YOU EVERY MINUTE OF MY LIFE!)

SERVANT. Mademoiselle!

REINETTE snogs him. There is tongue. She runs off.

THE DOCTOR. I'll just be a completely self-involved, stupid egomaniac and proclaim I snogged Madame de Pompadour!

He disappears back toward the ship. He randomly finds a horse.

THE DOCTOR. Oh, wow, a horse. I think I'll call you Arthur, 'cause that's so not French. Rose, where are you? I want you to join in a threesome . . .

THE DOCTOR opens a door on REINETTE and her ladies. Jaws Theme plays.

REINETTE. Blah, blah, blah.

LADY. Is something wrong?

REINETTE. Er, no.

THE DOCTOR. Don't mind me, just being a bit voyeuristic. Don' even know why this scene is in other than to prove we can shoot on location. Even if this is Wales, not Versailles.

Meanwhile, MICKEY and ROSE play.

Song. SPACESHIP BANTER (SOLDIER'S GOSSIP) (Sondheim)

MICKEY. DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID?

ROSE. YEAH, BUT WHO CARES?

MICKEY. Oh, I see.

AN EYEBALL! WICKED!

ROSE. OOH, HOW WEIRD, IT STARES!

WELL, NOW THERE'S A BLOODY HEART

MICKEY. THIS AVERAGE FOR YOU LOT?

ROSE. WITH THE DOCTOR, AVERAGE'S NOT

ON THE MENU

MICKEY. ON THE MENU?

THE DOCTOR runs in.

THE DOCTOR. ON THE MENU!

ROSE. Where've you been?

THE DOCTOR. Stalking a woman from the eighteenth century. I mean, that's what these clockwork robot things are doing. Yeah. They have these windows to all these points in her life. Ooh, this one's a mirror.

MICKEY. Can we watch 'em undressing?

THE DOCTOR. Nah, I'm just gonna do some exposition for a bit for those who never studied France at all. Madame de Pompadour is about to become Louis XV's mistress, and you're going to liken it to . . .

ROSE. Camilla!

THE DOCTOR. Because our goal is dumb things down and make them accessible for a Heat-savvy audience. Oh my God! She's getting attacked by the robot! I must save her!

He dives in and confronts another ROBOT.

REINETTE. Fireplace Man!

THE DOCTOR. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? ANSWER ME!
REINETTE. I COMPEL YOU TO REPLY!

ROBOT. WE DID NOT HAVE THE PARTS, YOU SEE

THE DOCTOR. OH, THE CREW DID NOT MULTIPLY . . .

EVERYONE. Ewwww.

ROBOT. ONE MORE PART IS REQUIRED

SHE IS INCOMPLETE—

THE DOCTOR. THEN SHE'LL BE WIRED?

ROBOT. TELEPORT!

THE DOCTOR. TELEPORT?

EVERYONE. TELEPORT . . .

MICKEY and ROSE run off.

THE DOCTOR. We're gonna mind-meld now, 'kay?

He puts his hands on her face

REINETTE. You're in my head.

THE DOCTOR. It's a bit squishy, but you'll get used to it. You have power to close doors over anything you don't want me to see, okay? Perhaps that bit there—and um, that too—

PARODY WRITER. Sorry, that was mine.

REINETTE. Why are you doing this again?

THE DOCTOR. Dunno, but it feels good, doesn't it?

REINETTE. Yes, Doctor, ooh, Doctor . . .

THE DOCTOR. How did you find out my name?

REINETTE. Doctor Who? You're lonely and pathetic and stuff, aren't you? (he pulls away) Come on. Let's dance.

THE DOCTOR. 'Kay. I can minuet quite nicely.

REINETTE. No, I mean dance.

THE DOCTOR. I can do the twist, too, the mashed potato, the phoney baloney . . .

REINETTE. I mean DANCE.

THE DOCTOR. I CAN'T.

REINETTE. Okay, come get drunk with me instead.

THE DOCTOR. Cheers.

MICKEY and ROSE have been captured by the clockwork people. They are about to get their faces sliced open.

Song. IS THIS A BIT GROTESQUE? (IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL LOVE?) (Sondheim)

ROSE. IS THIS A BIT GROTESQUE?

THIS CUTTIN' US WITH BLADES 'N STUFF?

MICKEY. YES, I THINK IT IS GROTESQUE.

SO LET ME GET THE PLAN STRAIGHT:

YOU OPEN UP WINDOWS INTO THE LIFE

OF A WOMAN WHO'S BRAIN YOU WANT?

THE SHIP IS 37, YOU'RE WAITING TIL SHE'S 37

ROBOT. YES, YOU ARE COMPATABLE.

MICKEY. WE'RE GONNA DIE!

THE DOCTOR walks in with a wine glass and his tie around his forehead. And he seems to have acquired dark glasses from somewhere.

Song. JUST A BANANA DAQUIRI (JUST ANOTHER LOVE STORY) (Sondheim)

THE DOCTOR. OH, THOSE FRENCH KNOW HOW TO PAR-TAY!

ROSE. LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN!

THE DOCTOR. YOU'D THINK THAT I WAS WASTED—

ROSE. OH, I JUST CAN'T WIN!

THE DOCTOR. JUST A BANANA DAQUIRI,

I THINK I'VE JUST INVENTED

A FEW CENTURIES TOO EARLY

BUT DAMN, BANANAS ARE GOOD!

Thick, thick, thickey-thick-thick!

ROSE. What? You?

THE DOCTOR. Nah.

He dumps wine onto the ROBOTS. They briefly short circuit. He frees ROSE and MICKEY.

ROSE. Good! I was starting to feel like I was in "Vengeance on Varos."

THE DOCTOR. You were beginning to look it. The crimped hair thing just isn't working out for you. Did they purposely try to make you look as unattractive as possible to contrast with the bosomy Madame de Pompadour?

ROSE. Oi! Stop being a jerk for just once second—

MICKEY. Sarah Jane Smith, Cleopatra, Madame de Pompadour . . .

THE DOCTOR. Quiet, you two! I have to save Reinette! Where are my Zeus plugs?

ROSE. Why don't you look up your—

ARTHUR nickers.

ROSE. You're not keepin' the horse.

THE DOCTOR. He can sleep with Mickey.

MICKEY. Ewww.

THE DOCTOR. Rose, just go warn Reinette.

ROSE. Confront my rival, you mean?

THE DOCTOR. It'll build character. Put hair on your chest.

ROSE. Just what I need.

REINETTE turns around to see ROSE.

Song. IN HIS EYES (Wildhorn/Bricusse)

ROSE. MADAME DE POMPADOUR

I GOT A MESSAGE FROM THE DOCTOR

REINETTE. IF THIS IS TRUE

THEN WHY DID HE SEND YOU?

ROSE. THEY'LL BE HERE IN FIVE YEARS

I CAN'T GIVE YOU AN EXACT

DATE. TO EXPLAIN—

REINETTE. EXPLAIN!

ROSE. OKAY, HERE GOES—ON A SHIP

UM, NEVER MIND—LET'S JUST SKIP—

REINETTE. EXTENDED METAPHOR TO PROVE I'M

INTELLIGENT AND IN MY PRIME

ROSE. DAMN IT, HE'S RIGHT, RIGHT ABOUT YOU

REINETTE. WHAT ON EARTH AM I TO DO?

BY LOOKING IN HIS EYES

WILL I SEE BEYOND TOMORROW?

ROSE. HE PROMISES—HE TRIES—

THAT HE'LL BE THERE—

REINETTE. CAN I BORROW

YOUR TISSUE?

THE MONSTERS AND THE LONELY GOD,

WE MUST HAVE THE PAIR

ROSE. ON AND ON THE PLOT MAY PLOD

BUT CAN WE SHARE?

REINETTE. I KNOW HIS EVERY LOOK—

HIS EYES—

ROSE. YOU SEE HOW LONG IT TOOK—

HIS EYES—

BOTH. TO SAY THAT LINE ABOUT

ANGELS AND DEMONS!

REINETTE. ROSE, YOU KNOW

THE DOCTOR IS WORTH

ALL THE MONSTERS EVER MADE—

BOTH. (point to a photo of Steven Moffat)IN HIS EYES!

ROSE. That was a really cheesy line. Puh-leaze.

REINETTE. Shut up, biotch. It was poetic, something you could never aspire to be.

ROSE. Look, I already survived a mud wrestling contest with his old companion. If you get any ideas, I'll glass yer!

REINETTE. You little chav cow! Did he snog you? Did he play suck-and-blow with you at a drunken banana daiquiri invention party? Did he lick--?

ROSE. He's licked everything!

REINETTE hurls a Dresden shepherdess figurine at ROSE. ROSE reluctantly withdraws. Screams are heard. KING LOUIS freaks out.

MICKEY. Um, hello, why can't we use the TARDIS?

THE DOCTOR. Don't be stupid! There's never an easy fix in a situation like this! Why don't you have a truck?

MICKEY. More to the point, why is my function reduced to ramming things with vehicles?

THE ROBOTS terrorize REINETTE et al.

REINETTE. Shut up! We are French, honh honh honh.

ROBOT. Okay, then we will guillotine you.

REINETTE. That's not what I meant! Bladdy-blah, yaddah yaddah, where are you Doctor?

THE DOCTOR rides ARTHUR through the mirror as the Overture to Phantom of the Opera plays.

THE DOCTOR. Oh, the subtextualists will have a field day with this one.

STEVEN MOFFAT. I think I'll be clever and have her refer to Louis XV as "my lover."

REINETTE. This is my lover, the King of France.

MOFFAT. I think the Doctor should be defensive and macho.

THE DOCTOR. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the Lord of Time. I'm here to fix a broken clock, use Seventh Doctor tactics, and pun outrageously.

THE ROBOTS self-combust. ROSE stares forlornly into the distance and weeps.

MICKEY. What are you advertisin'?

ROSE. Dunno. Could be perfume, could be shampoo, could be medicine for indigestion.

MICKEY. Well, pout some more—I like it.

REINETTE hands THE DOCTOR some wine.

THE DOCTOR. In one episode you've transformed me into a lush. How about that.

REINETTE. You don't seem too concerned about the fact that a) you'll never see Rose again; b) you've trapped her and Mickey on a spaceship; c) you have to adapt to pre-indoor plumbing conditions. You even offered to pay. You never offer to pay.

THE DOCTOR. Yeah, I tell you, it's this wine. It gives one a whole new perspective.

REINETTE. Oh, my lonely angel . . . we're going to have mind-blowing sex and then I'll be noble and show you a secret plot loophole.

THE DOCTOR. 'Kay.

Back on the spaceship, THE DOCTOR returns and hugs ROSE.

THE DOCTOR. Sorry, gotta run.

THE DOCTOR runs back into the fireplace.

THE DOCTOR. Why's it so dark and gloomy? Oh I get it, somber moment.

LOUIS appears.

THE DOCTOR. All right?

LOUIS. Good Lord, she was right. You haven't aged a day.

THE DOCTOR. Um, thanks. Say, where did you get your cravat?

LOUIS. BBC Rent-a-Necktie.

THE DOCTOR. Yeah, thought so. (chews his fingernails) She's dead, isn't she? That's her coffin outside on the bier, isn't it?

LOUIS. That was supposed to be a surprise! I was supposed to reveal it and make you feel really guilty!

THE DOCTOR. Sorry.

LOUIS. Dammit, you will feel guilty!

Song. NO ONE HAS EVER LOVED ME (Sondheim)

LOUIS. DON'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE'S ENDURED, DOCTOR?

WHAT THAT WOMAN HAS ENDURED?

THE DOCTOR. A PRIVILEGED LIFE AT THE FRENCH COURT?

LOUIS. NO, YOU INSENSITIVE--!

WHAT THAT WOMAN HAS ENDURED, DOCTOR . . .

THE DOCTOR ponders.

THE DOCTOR. NO ONE HAS EVER LOVED ME

AS THAT WOMAN HAS!

ROSE. (shouts from offstage) Oi! What about me?!

THE DOCTOR. NO ONE HAS TRULY SHOWN ME

WHAT LOVE COULD BE LIKE,

UNTIL NOW . . .

SARAH JANE SMITH. (shouts from offstage) Me too!

THE DOCTOR. I'M A BOOR, I'M A BOOR . . .

LOUIS. If you tell me what moisturizer you use I'll give you this letter she wrote to you.

THE DOCTOR. Come on, give me that letter.

LOUIS. Not until you tell me!

THE DOCTOR. Fine! Oil of Olay Age Reduction! And a lot of positronic energy!

LOUIS hands him the letter. THE DOCTOR stuffs it in his pocket.

THE DOCTOR. THEY WERE WRONG, I'M NOT ASEXUAL

THEY WERE WRONG

IF STEVEN MOFFATT WANTS TO SEX ME UP

THAT'S OKAY

TEENY BOPPER FANS. THAT'S OKAY!

THE DOCTOR. AND I KNOW NOW THAT I LOVE REINETTE!

AND WE SHOULD HAVE HIT THE SACK!

AND I LOVE REINETTE!

I SHOULD HAVE HAD HER ON HER BACK!

LOUIS looks away in disgust. THE DOCTOR wanders back toward THE TARDIS, despite a puzzled-looking MICKEY and ROSE.

THE DOCTOR. AND THOUGH EV'RYONE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER

'CAUSE I HAD A GRANDDAUGHTER, IT'S TRUE

IT'S GOING TO SHOCK, YES, INDEED

THEY WERE WRONG, THEY WERE WRONG

ROSE. Doctor, do you want a hug?

THE DOCTOR. No. After spending most of the past two seasons making googly eyes at you, I'm going to push you away because there's a new girl on the block with deeper bosoms. Now I'm going to be all gloomy and pathetic.

ROSE. Oh. Okay.

MICKEY. Rose, will you stick your tongue in my ear?

ROSE. Yeah, why not? Come on.

As they leave, THE DOCTOR takes out REINETTE's letter and reads it.

Song. LETTER SONG. (Sondheim)

REINETTE. I DON'T KNOW HOW I LED YOU

SO FAR INSIDE MY MIND

BUT THERE YOU ARE AND THERE YOU WILL STAY

HOW COULD I EVER WISH YOU AWAY?

THE DOCTOR. I SEE NOW I WAS BLIND!

REINETTE. AND SHOULD I DIE TOMORROW

ANOTHER THING I SEE

YOUR LOVE WILL LIVE IN ME

THE DOCTOR. YOUR LOVE WILL LIVE IN ME . . .

REINETTE. YOUR LOVE WITH LIVE IN ME . . .

THE DOCTOR. YOUR LOVE WILL LIVE IN ME . . .

As THE TARDIS flies away from the ship, we see its name written on the hull: S S Pompadour.

PARODY WRITER. Yeah, why would anyone in their right mind name a ship after Mme de Pompadour?

THE DOCTOR. Shut up, you're ruining the moment.

PARODY WRITER. Yes, okay, sorry.

Grand flourish of romantic music.

Next time: Scene Five. Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel. (Sweeney Todd)