VI. Scene Five. Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel. (Sweeney Todd)

A bare stage. THE DOCTOR walks on.

Song. THE BALLAD OF LUMIC, JOHN (THE BALLAD OF SWEENEY TODD) (Sondheim)

THE DOCTOR. ATTEND THE TALE OF LUMIC, JOHN

HE DARED TO MAKE HIMSELF ICON

HE THOUGHT THAT FRANKENSTEIN HE WOULD PLAY

MAD SCIENTIST TO THE FULLEST CLICHÉ!

CONCLUSION (DEATH) WAS ALL FOREGONE,

FOR LUMIC, JOHN

CYBUS COMPANY'S LEADER.

LUMIC grins maniacally from his chair.

DR KENDRICK. It's working. It'll even make toast!

LUMIC. You mustn't use such language around my children. I must revel in my insane megalomania! Say it! Say it!

KENDRICK. It's . . . alive!

LUMIC. You, however, are not.

KENDRICK. I don't understand.

LUMIC. Didn't you see "Boom Town"? It's practically the same thing.

A CYBERMAN electrocutes KENDRICK.

LUMIC. It's electric! YOU CAN FEEL IT, IT'S ELECTRIC!

THE CYBERMEN do The Electric Slide.

PARODY WRITER. Now that's scary.

THE DOCTOR. SMILE YOUR MANIC SMILE, LUMIC

NOW THAT CYBERMEN

'LECTROCUTE INSTEAD OF SHOOT—

RUSSELL T DAVIES. NEVER AGAIN!

Meanwhile, in the TARDIS . . .

THE DOCTOR. Mickey, you can, uh, let go of whatever you're holding. Could have done twenty-nine minutes ago.

MICKEY. Thanks a lot.

THE DOCTOR. Sorry, I've got to be a bit of a jerk for awhile.

ROSE. Me too! They laugh and collapse into each other's arms

ROSE. OUR NEEDS ARE FEW, THE TARDIS BARE—

THE DOCTOR. EXCEPT WHEN IT FALLS INTO DISREPAIR—

Explosion

SORRY, KIDS, THIS IS OUR LAST STOP—

They exit.

MICKEY. (AND MICKEY BECOMES A BIT MORE THAN A PROP)

ROSE approaches a hologram of PETE TYLER

ROSE. HEY THERE'S MY DAD IN BRIGHT NEON—

Cut to PETE getting out of an expensive car.

PETE. OH, LUMIC, JOHN

CYBUS COMPANY'S LEADER.

Cut to the headquarters of THE PREACHERS.

JAKE. DIABOLICAL LUMIC WAS,

RICKY. PICKING MEN OFF THE STREET HE WAS

MRS MOORE. CURRENT AFFAIRS, FEARS THAT ARE REAL

Cut to JACKIE coming down the stairs.

JACKIE. EVEN WITH MONEY, I'M HARDLY GENTEEL

In the street . . .

ROSE. THE DOCTOR PONDERED,

THE DOCTOR. ROSE TYLER PLANNED,

In the van . . .

MR CRANE. NOTHING WAS WILDER THAN WHAT HE PLANNED

In the Zeppelin; the following is sung overlapping with increasing dissonance as the entire cast comes on stage.

THE PRESIDENT. LUMIC WAS SMART BUT HE WAS CRAZY

PETE. THE DIALOGUE HERE IS JUST A BIT LAZY . . .

MEN. LUMIC WAS SMART BUT HE WAS CRAZY

WOMEN. THE DIALOGUE HERE IS JUST A BIT LAZY . . .

MEN. LUMIC WAS SMART BUT HE WAS CRAZY

WOMEN. THE DIALOGUE HERE IS JUST A BIT LAZY . . .

MEN. LUMIC WAS SMART BUT HE WAS CRAZY

WOMEN. THE DIALOGUE HERE IS JUST A BIT LAZY . . .

EVERYONE. LUMIC! LUMIC! LUMIC! LUMIC! LUUUUUUUUUMIC!

LUMIC arrives, flanked by CYBERMEN.

LUMIC. ATTEND THE TALE OF LUMIC, JOHN

EVERYONE. ATTEND THE TALE OF LUMIC, JOHN

LUMIC. WHO VILLAINS BEGAN TO PASS THE BATON

EVERYONE. WHO VILLAINS BEGAN TO PASS THE BATON

THE DOCTOR. WHAT HAPPENED NEXT—WE'D TELL YOU, SURE

IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE PAGES OF THIS TO ENDURE

LUMIC. FOR LUMIC

FOR LUMIC, JOHN

FROM THE CYBERSOFA . . . OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM . . .

Everyone vanishes aside from MICKEY, ROSE, and THE DOCTOR, who are left in the street by the TARDIS.

Song. THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE LONDON (Sondheim)

ROSE and THE DOCTOR. WE'VE ROAMED THROUGH TIME

BEHELD ITS WONDERS

FROM PLATFORM ONE

TO A CARDIFF CITY MORGUE

MICKEY. BUT THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE LONDON!

IT FEELS LIKE HOME AGAIN . . .

THE DOCTOR. YEAH, CHECK OUT THOSE ZEPPELINS OVERHEAD . . .

ROSE. THERE'S QUITE A SMORGASBORG

MICKEY. NO, THERE'S

THE DOCTOR. NO PLACE LIKE LONDON!

ROSE. Do Zeppelins really sound like trains?

THE DOCTOR. Dunno. (to MICKEY) Did you just make a crack about London being a lost dimension?

MICKEY. Did you just create an explosion that makes no sense other than to get us to the end of the season?

THE DOCTOR. It wasn't my idea. (looks meaningfully upward)

ROSE stares at the PETE hologram.

ROSE. It's my dad. Sappy "Father's Day" music is playing!

PETE HOLOGRAM. I'm annoying as hell, you can trust me on this.

THE DOCTOR. You can't see him, not ever! Otherwise you get all sticky in gingerbread and I mix my metaphors, and then I sulk . . .

ROSE. I'm gonner play with my mobile—

THE DOCTOR. You could play with my mobile—

ROSE. You haven't got one—

THE DOCTOR. Oh, haven't I?

MICKEY. A-HEM!

ROSE. Yeah, me an' my mobile, 'cause I'm that pathetic.

THE DOCTOR. Okay, me and Mickey will spend some much overdue quality time together trying to fix the TARDIS.

MICKEY proceeds to look scared.

At the Tyler mansion . . .

PETE. Remind me why we live in the Vale of Glamorgan.

JACKIE. Nah, haven't got time. Got to use all my lines to cleverly explain about my fortieth birthday party, drop a hint that Rose is a dog—

PETE. Like we couldn't see that coming—

JACKIE. –and give Lumic all the secrets so he can crash the party later.

PETE. 'Kay.

In the TARDIS

THE DOCTOR. Ding dong, the TARDIS is dead. Extinct. (kicks it)

MICKEY. Did that hurt?

THE DOCTOR. Yes.

MICKEY. You're an excitable little git, aren't you?

THE DOCTOR kicks him.

THE DOCTOR. Did that hurt? Ooh, look, a light, we're saved.

MICKEY. Is that the Shankara stone from Indiana Jones?

THE DOCTOR. No, silly. It's a magical, quick-fix-it device in the vein of the sonic screwdriver and psychic paper. (blows on it) I've just given ten years of my life.

MICKEY. As . . . you . . . wish.

THE DOCTOR. Wrong fandom. I'm just demonstrating the skills I learned from playing suck-and-blow with Reinette earlier.

MICKEY. How come it's on a 24 hour recharging cycle? Not six hours or 98?

THE DOCTOR. More to the point, did you realize that violent kicking is sometimes considered foreplay?

MICKEY. Ewww, Doctor, no.

THE DOCTOR. Sorry. I'm so randy these days I can't tell who I'm meant to seduce.

MICKEY. Should we check on Rose, maybe?

At the dockyards, MR CRANE arrives with the van. Homeless people and JAKE watch.

NO PLACE LIKE LONDON cont'd.

MR CRANE. HERE'S A VAN THAT'S COME WHAT WILL APPEAL

TO THE HOMELESS—YOU GET HAPPY MEALS

HOMELESS GUY. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE A PRETTY GOOD DEAL

FOR GUYS STARVIN' ON THE STREETS OF LONDON

MR CRANE. AND I ASK THE BOSS WHY DON'T WE GO

TO AFRICA, OR JUAREZ, MEXICO

WHERE PEOPLE ARE LESS LIKELY TO BE MISSED

BUT THAT'S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.

JAKE tries to dissuade the homeless people from getting in the van.

JAKE. NO! YOU'RE NEVER SEEN AGAIN IF YOU GET IN THOSE WHEELS!

(sigh) THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE LONDON!

Cyberneticized people come out of the van. CRANE lines them up and gives them instruments. They play as a possessed marching band. LUMIC watches via satellite.

MR CRANE. It's irresistible, sir.

LUMIC. Then resist. It all looks so very "Dalek Invasion of Earth."

MR CRANE. Gasp! Sir, are there really people old enough to remember that?!

LUMIC. Shut up. Just put on the music so we can roll out the crap CGI.

Back outside the TARDIS

ROSE. Hafta cause trouble and see my dad.

THE DOCTOR. He's not your dad. Oy vey.

MICKEY. It's never gonner be me, is it?

THE DOCTOR. Not unless you want to get kicked again.

MICKEY goes off. THE DOCTOR follows ROSE.

THE DOCTOR. We need to manifest feelings of guilt about Mickey even though he's being written off the show.

ROSE. 'Kay.

THE DOCTOR. Exposition, exposition, Cybus Industries control everything, we have to find Pete Tyler, blah, blah, I put on my glasses . . .

The world stops for a second.

MICKEY goes to "his" grandmother's door.

Song. THE MOST WANTED IN LONDON (THE WORST PIES IN LONDON) (Sondheim)

GRAN. IS THAT YOU?

WAIT! WHAT'S YOUR RUSH?

WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?

MICKEY. YOU GAVE ME SUCH A . . .

FRIGHT! I THOUGHT YOU WAS A GHOST!

GRAN. HALF A MINUTE, CAN'T YA SIT?

SIT YA DOWN!

SIT! (hits him)

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, RICKY SMITH?

MICKEY. IT'S MICKEY—OH NEVER MIND—

DO FORGIVE ME IF I'VE NOT BEEN A LOT OF USE

MY CHARACTER'S A BIT DIFFUSE—

THE PREACHERS drive up and throw MICKEY into the van.

MRS MOORE. WHERE YOU BEEN, SON?

JAKE. CREATE SOME SUSPENSE HERE—

YOU'RE LONDON'S MOST WANTED AT THE MO—

COURSE, YOU CAN SEE WHERE THIS'LL GO . . .

LUMIC's Zeppelin.

Song. AN EVIL GENIUS (A BARBER AND HIS WIFE) (Sondheim)

LUMIC. THERE WAS A GENIUS, DYING FAST

SLIGHTLY HITLER-LIKE,

WHO WANTED LIFE TO LAST.

HE CAME UP WITH CYBER-METAL CASTS . . .

PRESIDENT. AND IT WAS UNETHICAL, AND IT WAS OBSCENE.

AND HE WAS INSANE.

Sorry, can't support you. Peace out.

LUMIC. THERE'S A HOLE IN THE WORLD LIKE A GREAT BLACK PIT

AND IT'S FILLED WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE FILLED WITH SHIT!

AND JOHN LUMIC'S STEEL TRIUMPHS OVER IT!

MICKEY finds himself face-to-face with RICKY, then gets stripped and tied to a chair.

THE MOST WANTED IN LONDON. Contd.

MRS MOORE. BLINK, GIRLS, AND YOU WILL MISS IT

NOEL NEARLY STARKERS, IF YOU LIKE THAT . . .

RICKY. IT'S A COMMON BELIEF HERE

MICKEY. WE'RE THE COMIC RELIEF HERE

BOTH. BUT, OH NO

THE IDIOTS OF LONDON—

MRS MOORE. OOH, HERE'S GEMINI!

BOTH. . . . THE IDIOTS OF LONDON!

MRS MOORE. TIME TO MOVE THE PLOT, I—

BOTH. UGH!

At the Tyler mansion. THE DOCTOR arrives in a tux.

THE DOCTOR. Doctor, the Doctor. No, it just doesn't work. Not the martini type, really.

ROSE. You look hot, though.

THE DOCTOR. Thanks, so do you.

ROSE. Hence I get to be jealous for no reason. Hang on, I've got to assume my Sarah Brightman chipmunk look. does so

Song. PETE TYLER (JOHANNA) (Sondheim)

ROSE. I SEE YOU,

PETE TYLER

I SEE YOU . . .

PETE. MY MARRIAGE TO JACKIE'S ON THE ROCKS—

WHY AM I TELLING THE MAID?

ROSE. BIT INCESTUOUS, AIN'T THIS, POPS?

MUM-JACKIE,

I SEE YOU,

MUM-JACKIE,

I HEAR YOU . . .

JACKIE. YOU'RE OUTRAGEOUS—WHAT DID YOU THINK?

SMILE YOUR SMILE, MILK OUR SECRETS

WHILE YOU OFFER ME A DRINK?

HOW DARE YOU, HIRED MAIDSERVANT!

The CYBERMEN arrive.

THE DOCTOR. I've seen them before. They were a lot scarier then. They also didn't say stupid things like—

CYBERMAN. You will be deleted.

THE DOCTOR. You're about as menacing as a keyboard.

ROSE. Come on, Doctor, at least pretend to be scared!

THE DOCTOR. We surrender! Blah, blah, blah!

CYBERMEN. cliff hanger cliff hanger

THE DOCTOR whips out the glowy crystal thing. THE CYBERMEN are all electrocuted.

THE IDIOTS OF LONDON contd.

RICKY. What the 'ell was that?

THE DOCTOR. Magical quick-fix-it solution enacting miraculous getaway! (glances at RICKY) IS THAT JUST DISGUSTING?

WE'VE GOT TWO MICKEYS!

The rest of THE PREACHERS drives up.

MRS MOORE. GET IN HERE, OR TRUST ME—

RICKY. (to THE DOCTOR) YO, MY NAME IS RICKY!

THE DOCTOR. THE IDIOTS OF LONDON . . . (they all make a getaway)

NO TIME FOR JACKIE'S FATE—

PETE and ROSE. IS SHE--?

THE DOCTOR. DON'T YOU GET IT?

SET UP NEATLY FOR DOOMSDAY.

ROSE. WISH YOU WOULDN'T BE SO SNIDE

PETEGLAD I'VE GOT THE CAT'RING STAFF ON MY SIDE.

BEFORE YOU CONDEMN ME,

I'M GEMINI, BY THE WAY—

THE DOCTOR. (LIKE ROSE, HE'S BLEEDIN' NOBLE ALL THE WAY)

ROSE. TRAITOR, NO, NOT MY DAD—

I MEAN—

JAKE. THINK YOU'RE ALL A LITTLE SAD!

LUMIC has caused all people wearing EarPods to become zombies.

THE DOCTOR. STOP THE VAN—WELL, DEM ME—

THINK HUMANS LIKE THE THOUGHT OF S & M

MIND CONTROL AN' BRAINWASH AN' THEN—

NO DENYING IT'S A THEME!

They all get out and mill around. Meanwhile, in LUMIC's Zeppelin . . .

CRANE. ARE YOU JUST REVOLTING?

YOU CRAZY OLD DESPOT!

THE CYBERMEN electrocute him.

LUMIC. NOW WHO IS JOKING?

JUST ME AND MY ROBOTS!

CYBERMAN. LUMIC, YOU NEED THE ULTIMATE UPGRADE . . .

LUMIC. NO, I'M NOT READY!

CYBERMAN. AH, SIR

TIMES IS HARD,

TIMES IS HARD!

They drag him off. Meanwhile, in front of the production plant . . .

THE DOCTOR. Okay, everyone think about how we will stop this. I'm going to untie my tie and be sexy.

ROSE. I wanna help Pete rescue Jackie!!! (grabs PETE's hand and squeezes)

PETEEwww, get off.

THE DOCTOR. Okay, go, and stop squealing.

MICKEY and RICKY. We're off to have a brief existentialist debate—

MICKEY. –From which only one of us will return.

JAKE. Then I'll throw a hissy fit. Ultimately we'll become friends.

THE DOCTOR. Mrs Moore?

MRS MOORE. Yes, Doctor?

THE DOCTOR. (holding out his hand) I sense a song coming on, in three-quarter time.

In the cooling ducts . . .

Song. COOLING DUCT WALTZ (A LITTLE PRIEST) (Sondheim)

THE DOCTOR. WHAT'S THE LOOK OF THIS WORLD DOWN HERE?

MRS MOORE. WHAT, DOCTOR WHO?

WHAT, DOCTOR WHO?

WHAT'S ALL AROUND?

THE DOCTOR. THESE CLANKING TIN MEN WHO CAUSE SO MUCH FEAR!

MRS MOORE. YES, DOCTOR WHO!

YES, DOCTOR WHO!

THEY'RE ALL UNDERGROUND!

THE DOCTOR. OH MRS MOORE, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SCOFFED—

MRS MOORE. UNFORTUNATELY, I'M ABOUT TO GET OFFED . . .

Meanwhile, ROSE and PETEinfiltrate the factory proper.

ROSE and PETEImhotep! Imhotep! Imhotep!

ROSE. reacts to nothing

PETEIT'S JACKS, THAT CYBERTHING IS JACKS

ROSE. HOW CAN YOU TELL?

PETEBY HER SMELL—OH, NO WE'RE—

CYBERMEN. AXED!

Take them to the Cybercontroller.

Back in the tunnels, THE DOCTOR and MRS MOORE run from THE CYBERMEN.

THE DOCTOR. THE ULTIMATE IN CORRIDOR-RUNNING—

MRS MOORE. BUT, SEE, WE'RE SHUNNING

THE DOCTOR. REAL VI-O-LENCE

She shoots a CYBERMAN with an electromagnetic bomb.

MRS MOORE. BUT WE'RE ON THE FENCE—

THE DOCTOR opens its chest cavity.

THE DOCTOR. GOTTA KEEP THE KIDDIES HYPER AND TENSE.

MRS MOORE. It's a woman.

CYBERMAN. Why so cold? (dies)

MRS MOORE. THE TROUBLE WITH COMPASSION IS

HOW DO YOU RATION IT— (gets electrocuted)

THE DOCTOR. (to CYBERMAN) GHOUL!

SO UNCOOL! glare glare

He is taken away to where PETEand ROSE are being held. THE DOCTOR gurns at a camera he knows is being watched by MICKEY and JAKE.

CYBERCONTROLLER. In cometh the Cybersofa!

THE DOCTOR falls down laughing.

THE DOCTOR. You want everlasting peace and uniformity when you look like an overgrown vacuum?!

CYBERCONTROLLER. I SEE YOU'RE PROUD

OF YOUR EMOTIONS—HOW'D

YOU LIKE TO BE RID OF PAIN, SORROW

THE DOCTOR. WELL, MAYBE TOMORROW—NOW SCRAM!

THE CYBERMEN start 'sploding. PETEROSE, and THE DOCTOR flee, pursued by the CYBERCONTROLLER.

THE DOCTOR. WHERE'S MICKEY? DAMN,

I THINK HE'S PLAYING FOOTSIE WITH

JAKE ON THE ZEPPELIN WITH—

In the Zeppelin, MICKEY discovers a stepladder.

MICKEY. WHOA!

I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW

QUICK FIXES WERE SO FREQUENT ON THIS SHOW!

He throws it down. As THE DOCTOR helps ROSE climb up the ladder, they are followed by PETE

THE DOCTOR. ARE THOSE KNICKERS?

ROSE. GONNER KICK YOU!

The CYBERCONTROLLER comes out of the flames and grabs PETE's leg.

PETEMERCY, NO, SIR, NO CLOSER—

MY LEG WILL BE—WHOA, SIR!

He catches the sonic screwdriver as THE DOCTOR throws it to him.

ROSE. THIS IS INTENSE

THE DOCTOR. RATHER IT'S PRETENSE!

The CYBERCONTROLLER falls.

CYBERCONTROLLER. NO-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!

THE DOCTOR. BYE BYE!

On the ground again, in front of the TARDIS, ROSE confronts PETE.

Song. NOT WHILE I'M AROUND (Sondheim)

ROSE. I'M YOUR DAUGHTER, SEE, IN A PARALLEL WORLD

PETEI DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT, I'VE GOT MY OWN WORLD

He leaves.

MICKEY. Mickey's Dry Cleaning Service. (returns THE DOCTOR's clothes) I'm stayin'.

ROSE. But why?!

MICKEY. I'M SICK O' BEIN' TREATED AS THE THIRD WHEEL—

ROSE. BUT I NEED YOU—

MICKEY. OH ROSE, GROW UP, GET REAL!

ROSE. NO ONE WILL REPLACE YOU!

MICKEY. YEAH RIGHT, BUT YOU'RE SWEET.

THE DOCTOR. THIS IS NOT LIKE SPACE—YOU'LL

BE TRAPPED HERE—A ONE-WAY STREET!

MICKEY. (to ROSE) DOCTORS'LL CHARM YOU WITH A SMILE, FOR AWHILE,

BUT IN TIME . . .

THE DOCTOR. SO LONG, MICKEY . . .

ROSE. BLUBBER, CRY, CRY, FROWN!

In the TARDIS, THE DOCTOR and ROSE maintain a sober silence.

ROSE. You gave him my mobile!

THE DOCTOR. You can get another one! What's the big deal?

ROSE. There were some . . . photos of a personal nature on that phone.

THE DOCTOR. In that case, I'm sure he enjoyed them.

ROSE. I didn't mean of me.

THE DOCTOR. (clears throat) We-ell! I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of Mickey Smith!

Curtain. Flourish. End of Act One. Please buy some ice cream for yourself during the interval.

Next time: Scene One. The Idiot's Lantern. (HMS Pinafore)