Act Two, Scene One. The Idiot's Lantern. (HMS Pinafore)

Curtains reveal lots of lightning and thunder. A shop called Magpie's, filled with 1950s style televisions.

MAGPIE. I'm depressed, bankrupt, and have a Dickensian name but not enough character to really be interesting. Sigh. Listen to that sad music Murray Gold has composed for me.

A TV comes on. A perfect '50s socialite appears.

THE WIRE. Yoo-hoo, Mr Magpie!

Song. THE WIRE IS RAVENOUS (LITTLE BUTTERCUP) (Gilbert/Sullivan)

THE WIRE. THE WIRE IS RAVENOUS, OH, I AM RAVENOUS

AND I AM CREEPY AS HELL,

SO FEED ME, I'M RAVENOUS—NOT SEXUALLY RAVENOUS,

DEPRAVENOUS; JUST AS WELL!

MAGPIE. I'M DREAMIN' THIS SURELY, FOR THIS PLOT IS PURELY

MARK GATISS; IT'S DEFINITELY HIM THROUGH

AND THROUGH. FACES GET STOLEN BY RACES

GASEOUS; EPHEMERAL, TOO.

She appears to steal his face. He screams.

MAGPIE. PLEASE, WILL YOU GO SOON? I HAVEN'T ENOUGH ROOM

IN MY MIND FOR THIS MASSIVE HEADACHE.

THE WIRE. YOUR WORLD IS SO BUSY, I'M SENT IN A TIZZY

ON THESE POSTMODERN QUIPS I MUST MAKE.

SO FEED YOUR WIRE RAVENOUS; YES, I AM RAVENOUS

AND NOW I'LL ADD GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

IN CASE YOU HADN'T GOTTEN IT (OY, I AM RAVENOUS)

NOW TO THE DOCTOR'S GAMINE!

The TARDIS lands. ROSE comes out wearing an obnoxiously pink poodle skirt.

Song. WE SAIL THE GOOD SHIP TARDIS (WE SAIL THE OCEAN BLUE) (Gilbert/Sullivan)

ROSE. WE SAIL THE GOOD SHIP TARDIS,

AND OUR SAUCY SHIP'S SWELL; WE

NOW THINK WE'RE DOWN IN NEW YORK

TO SEE ELVIS ON THE TELLY.

THE DOCTOR comes out with his hair about ten feet high, with a permanently pained expression on his face.

THE DOCTOR. WITH MY HAIR SHELLACKED

I APPEAR THAT I'M ON CRACK—

ROSE. RUSSELL SAYS WE HAVE TO PAY

THE DOCTOR. EVENTUALLY; BUT FOR NOW

WE'RE ALL GIGGLES, SMILES—

ROSE. AND HOW!

THE DOCTOR. WE HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO PLAY.

You seem to have gotten over Mickey rather quickly.

ROSE. You seem to have gotten over Sarah Jane rather quickly. And Madame de Pompadour. And—

THE DOCTOR disappears into the TARDIS. He rides out on a scooter.

THE DOCTOR. Hey, darlin', you goin' my way? (she gets on the back of the scooter)

ROSE. Is there any other way to go, Daddy-o? I thought we were headed for some, rrrworrr, chest hair.

THE DOCTOR. You want chest hair? I'll give you chest hair!

They ride off into the sunset.

In the CONNOLLY house, it's drab and twee, with father EDDIE, mother RITA, son TOMMY, and GRAN.

Song. CONNOLLY SONG (CAPTAIN'S SONG) (Gilbert/Sullivan)

EDDIE. I AM THE LEADER OF THIS FAMILY!

EVERYONE ELSE. AND A RIGHT CRAP FATHER TOO!

EDDIE. I'M VERY, VERY LOUD

AND ALL I DO IS SHOUT

'CAUSE I'VE LITTLE ELSE TO DO.

EVERYONE ELSE.YOU'RE VERY, VERY LOUD

AND ALL YOU DO IS SHOUT

'CAUSE YOU'VE LITTLE ELSE TO DO..

EDDIE. I'M AN ARSEHOLE TO MY WIFE

(to TOMMY) AS FOR COLLEGE—NOT ON YOUR LIFE!

(to RITA) AND YOUR MOTHER'S A NO-BOD-Y.

WITH IMAGE I'M OBSESSED

AND THIS MUST BE ADDRESSED:

I'M PRACTICALLY A PARODY!

EVERYONE ELSE. WHAT? NO WAY!

EDDIE. YES WAY!

EVERYONE ELSE. WHAT? NO WAY!

MARK GATISS. WELL, JUST A LITTLE!

ALL. HE'S A BONAFIDE PARODY!

EDDIE. I'M A DURSLEY CLONE WORN DOWN TO MUSH—

CAN I HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF HUSH?

'Ow many times do I have to tell you? I want all capitals when I speak! Do you hear me?! All capitals!!

PARODY WRITER. Then you'd be singing.

EDDIE. How dare you insinuate that I sing!

Everyone looks at him, including MARK GATISS who rubs the wall lovingly and then disappears upstairs.

EDDIE. Now, we've got to leave Gran alone to watch the television that I just bought rather randomly.

TOMMY. Why? So she can get ready to watch the Coronation?

EDDIE. No. So it can rot her brains out.

TOMMY. Will that help us understand the meaning of the title?

EDDIE. Don't think so, no.

THE DOCTOR and ROSE whiz down the street on the scooter.

ROSE. Nice of you to have helmets.

THE DOCTOR. I'm all about protection.

ROSE. (chuckles knowingly) I'll bet you are. I don't think this is New York, Doctor.

THE DOCTOR. What makes you say that?

ROSE. The British flags. Durrrh. What's with all the TV antennae? Suddenly I've become full of random knowledge.

MAGPIE comes out of his shop carrying TVs.

THE DOCTOR. What's going on?

MAGPIE. Where you been living at, the colonies?

PARODY WRITER. Ha ha.

THE DOCTOR. We've got to pretend to be really stupid so that teeny boppers will get whose coronation it is. That would make this 1953. The end of rationing. Elizabeth II.

MAGPIE. Yeah, um, go look over there.

He scurries away. Men in black remove a woman with a towel over her head into a car.

THE DOCTOR. It's Catherine Tate!

ROSE. Oi, I'm still here!

THE DOCTOR. Er, yes. We'd better follow them to Operation Market Stall.

ROSE. What, like Indiana Jones?

THE DOCTOR. Exactamundo. Wait, I said I'd never say that again.

They pursue anyway, caught at a dead end.

THE DOCTOR. Men in black, vanishing people … this is Churchill's England, not Hollywood! Think we'd better employ the domestic approach.

ROSE. Ie, the one that split us up in 1941 Blitz London, that left Captain Jack admiring my bottom and you pursued by gas mask children?

THE DOCTOR. That'd be the one.

They drive to the CONNOLLY house.

THE DOCTOR and ROSE. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

EDDIE. Who are you?

THE DOCTOR. The psychic paper solves all problems!

They go inside the house.

Song. THE ANNOYING SONG (WHEN I WAS A LAD) (Gilbert/Sullivan)

EDDIE. COME ON RITA, STRING UP THOSE FLAGS

ROSE'S GOTTA USE 'EM IN SOME GAGS.

RITA opens her mouth to say something to THE DOCTOR

EDDIE. RITA TENDS TO RATTLE ON A BIT—I'M SURE—

THE DOCTOR. MAYBE SHE'D OUGHT TO BE RATTLE A BIT MORE?

I'M GOING TO SAY SOME OBSCURE REMARK

ABOUT THE QUEEN SO YOU'LL SHUFFLE OFF.

ALL. HE'S GOING TO SAY SOME OBSCURE REMARK

ABOUT THE QUEEN SO YOU'LL SHUFFLE OFF.

EDDIE decorates. RITA stares at THE DOCTOR lovingly.

RITA. YOU ARE A DOCTOR, YOU DID SAY?

THE DOCTOR. WELL, YES, I GUESS YOU COULD PUT IT THAT WAY—

RITA. PLEASE HELP MY MOTHER—WE'VE LOCKED HER UPSTAIRS—

EDDIE. HA! I'VE CAUGHT YOU UNAWARES!

THIS IS MY HOUSE, AND I AM TALKING!!

THE DOCTOR. AND IAM BLOODY WELL NOT LISTENING!!!!

ALL. (uneasily) THIS IS HIS HOUSE, AND HE'S TALKING

AND HE'S NOT BLOODY WELL LISTENING . . .

TOMMY. He's kind of . . . scary, when he's angry, isn't he?

ROSE. Yeah.

RITA. But kind of hot, too.

ROSE. Nah. The hair kind of destroys it for me.

THE DOCTOR runs up the staircase shouting incoherently. Everyone follows. GRAN comes out of the shadows with her face wiped off.

CHILDREN OF BRITAIN. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

THE DOCTOR. It's like she's got a nylon stocking on her face with CGI imposed over it. I mean, it's like her brain's been wiped clean.

The men in black storm in.

THE DOCTOR. I'VE GOT THREE IMPORTANT, BRILLIANT, TOO

COMPLICATED REASONS TO LISTEN FOR YOU—

He is punched out.

TOMMY. What a wimp!

GRAN is carried out.

ROSE. Oh, Doctor, wake up! I know, I'll thrust my bosom at him!

THE DOCTOR. Shouting incoherently—I think had too many Smarties!

He jumps up and runs out of the house.

THE DOCTOR. I'm running off without youuuuuuuuu . . .

ROSE examines the TV set.

ROSE. Oooh, look, there's only one Magpie on Earth let alone London, he should be easy to find!

EDDIE. You! Get the hell out!

ROSE. I have to resort to a really stupid exit line punctuated by a fake smile. (looks up) Shame on you!

ROSE walks to MAGPIE's.

ROSE. Sell me a TV, dammit.

MAGPIE. Sorry. We're all out.

ROSE. I'm gettin' myself into a dangerous situation. What's that?

MAGPIE. One of them modern programs. I shall now say something historical.

He locks the door. THE WIRE fizzes to life.

ROSE. You're so old skool BBC, so incredibly PROP-AH.

THE WIRE. I'm actually a feral overfed alien pig. Let's be slightly Sapphist. She steals ROSE's face. Good night children, everywhere.

CHILDREN OF BRITAIN. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

THE DOCTOR somehow manages to get inside the men in black's headquarters. He finds a pen of faceless people and then is hauled into DETECTIVE-INSPECTOR BISHOP's office.

Song. NOW TELL ME ALL YOU KNOW (REFRAIN, AUDACIOUS TAR) (Gilbert/Sullivan)

BISHOP. NOW TELL ME ALL YOU KNOW

AND PUT ON YOUR GLASSES!

THE DOCTOR does so.

BISHOP. I AM SO FLAT AND BLAND, YOU KNOW

WE WOULD NEED MASSES

OF WRITING TO MAKE ME LESS DULL.

WE'RE COMPLETELY LOST.

THE DOCTOR. WELL, FIRST THING'S FIRST, NUMBSKULL,

YOU HAVE TO CONCEDE THAT I'M THE BOSS!

BISHOP's ASSISTANT brings in ROSE.

BISHOP. HE SAYS HE FOUND HER IN THE STREET—

DO YOU KNOW HER?

THE DOCTOR. OH, ROSE, MY DEAR, MY SWEET—

WHO DID THIS TO HER?

I'VE GOT TO WORK UP RAGE

SINCE I'VE CAUGHT THE SHOUT-

ING DISEASE AND TAKE A PAGE

FROM CONNOLLY'S BOOK. OUT!

Startled, BISHOP leaves.

MY HEART WITH ANGUISH TORN—

I DON'T MIND SHOWING—

I MEANT TO SAY TWO HEARTS BEFORE …

BISHOP returns with a cup of tea.

THE DOCTOR. Mmm, thank you.

NOW LET'S GET GOING!

THE DOCTOR and BISHOP show up at the CONNOLLYhouse.

THE DOCTOR. Tommy, I need you.

EDDIE. (to TOMMY) Shut your face! You rat! How dare you! Grrrhrhhhhhrhrhrhr!

THE DOCTOR.looks intense

TOMMY. What are you going to do?

THE DOCTOR. Break and enter, lick things, you know, the usual.

TOMMY. 'Kay.

EDDIE. But . . .? They walk off without him. It's all your fault, you didn't let me shout at him in all capitals!!

They break into MAGPIE's shop. THE DOCTOR pounds on the bell.

THE DOCTOR. I am still really childish! (rifles through drawesr; finds a portable TV and licks it) Mmmm, Bakelite!

BISHOP. It's a portable television!

THE DOCTOR. Nah, it's an Etch-a-Sketch.

TOMMY. Look!

The screens of the TVs show all the faceless people's disembodied faces.

CHILDREN OF BRITAIN. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

THE DOCTOR. Rose! (licks the screen)

TOMMY. Does that taste like Bakelite, too?

THE DOCTOR. Erm, no.

THE WIRE. This one's smart as paint!

THE DOCTOR. Standard routine? You were exiled, no longer in corporeal form, but now you're going to use human energy to make yourself tangible?

THE WIRE. Yep.

THE DOCTOR. Well, it's a fairly inventive take on the whole spiel, I'll give you that.

Song. THINGS ARE SELDOM WHAT THEY SEEM (Gilbert/Sullivan)

THE WIRE. THINGS ARE SELDOM WHAT THEY SEEM;

(of THE DOCTOR) THIS ONE'S AS TASTY AS CREAM

I'LL HAVE LASHINGS OF HIM!

PARODY WRITER. Me too!

THE WIRE. AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN SKIMMED

MAGPIE. THE TOP,

OF OUR PLOT.

THE WIRE appears to suck off THE DOCTOR's, TOMMY's, and BISHOP's faces. THE DOCTOR fights her off; MAGPIE escapes.

TOMMY. Where are we going?

THE DOCTOR. Shopping!!

TOMMY. What about Detective-Inspector Bishop?

THE DOCTOR. Didn't you listen to the song? He's expendable.

They run to Alexandra Palace to the following:

Song. SHOPPING (Page/Robertson)

THE DOCTOR. EV'RYTHING WILL ALWAYS BE ALL RIGHT

WHEN WE GO SHOPPING!

IT'S ALWAYS LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

SHOPPING NEVER ENDS

SHOPPING WITH OUR FRIENDS

AND THEN IT'S LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

WHEN WE GO SHOPPING!

Here, Tommy, do something. I'm climbing up this transmitter.

TOMMY. What if you fall?

THE DOCTOR. Like that's never happened before.

At the CONNOLLY house, RITA and friends are watching the Coronation. EDDIE pounds weakly on the door.

THE DOCTOR follows MAGPIE up the transmitter tower.

THE WIRE. I'LL MAKE SEMI-ORGASMIC SOUNDS

AS OUR LITTLE PLOT WINDS DOWN.

MAGPIE. NOW! YOU PROMISED ME MY PEACE!

MY REWARD FOR ALL THIS GRIEF . . .

THE WIRE. YES, I KNOW,

THAT IS SO.

She fries him.

THE DOCTOR. THINGS ARE SELDOM WHAT THEY SEEM

NOW IT'S TIME TO END YOUR SCHEME

TAKE OVER EARTH IF YOU WILL;

YET YOU SHOULD KNOW I'VE LOOKS THAT KILL!

He plugs in something, as does TOMMY on the other end. THE WIRE screams in anguish.

THE WIRE. I'm melting! I'm melting! Help me. I was just another alien life form trying to make an easy get away—have pity!

THE DOCTOR. SO YE BE,

FREQUENTLY.

He climbs down off the tower. He and TOMMY head back to the CONNOLLY house.

Inside, RITA hands EDDIE a suitcase.

EDDIE. (relieved) You're leaving me.

RITA. No! I'm a feminist way ahead of my time! You're leaving me.

Song. NEVER MIND THE WHY AND WHEREFORE (Gilbert/Sullivan)

RITA. NEVER MIND THE WHY AND WHEREFORE

THE DOCTOR CAME TO US AND THEREFORE

IT'S A HAPPY ENDING IN '53,

AND NOW WE'LL ALL PIG OUT.

TOMMY. IT'S GRAN! OH, MUM, COME SEE—

WHERE'S DAD GOT TO?

RITA. I THREW HIM OUT!

RITA, TOMMY, and GRAN. RING THE MERRY BELLS OF TV

LET'S ALL HAVE A SPOT OF TEA!

RITA. SEND THE YOUNG MAN OFF TO UNI!

RITA, TOMMY, and GRAN. IT'S SWEET ENOUGH TO HURT YOUR TEETH!

NEIGHBORS IN THE STREET. LET THE AIR WITH JOY BE LADEN,

REND THE AIR WITH CIGGY SMOKE,

FOR THE RETURN OF THE MAIDEN

WITH THAT DOCTOR BLOKE!

THE DOCTOR finds ROSE. They walk happily along the trestle tables erected in the streets jammed with food. He stuffs his face with cake.

THE DOCTOR. Mrrfgghsgrrffmmfffemmm.1

ROSE. What?

THE DOCTOR. I said, it's nice to see you back.

TOMMY. There's my dad. Should we tar and feather him?

ROSE. No, I think you should do something really inconclusive and dramatically weak—walk over to him and take his suitcase.

TOMMY. Does that mean I forgive him? Does that mean I'm going with him wherever he's going?

ROSE. It's a mystery.

ALL.CELEBRATE THE CORONATION

AND ACCEPT THIS EXPLANATION!

CELEBRATE THE CORONATION

AND ACCEPT THIS EXPLANATION!

PARODY WRITER. Now I want cake. Sigh.

Next week: Scene Two. The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit. (Jekyll & Hyde)

1 Translation: I think I liked you better without a mouth.