VII. Scene Two. The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit. (Jekyll & Hyde)

THE TARDIS lands in a cupboard.

THE DOCTOR. Rose, I feel uneasy. I think we should go explore.

ROSE. Sounds like a good plan to me. We are, after all, celebratin' human courage an' discovery an' all that in this story.

THE DOCTOR. That's right!

ROSE. Speakin' of the spirit of discovery, maybe we should head back to the TARDIS and so some "discoverin'" . . . in my bedroom.

THE DOCTOR. Welcome to Hell!

ROSE. Excuse me?! (looks at the wall) Oh, it's on the wall.

THE DOCTOR. (squeaks) Erm, so it is.

ROSE. That looks like Time Lord script.

THE DOCTOR. No, it doesn't.

ROSE. Yes, it does.

THE DOCTOR. No, it doesn't!

ROSE. It does, and I hear "Face of Boe"-like music playing, so there!

THE DOCTOR. Ahem! It's old. It's very very very old, perhaps even older.

THE OOD appear.

ROSE. Doctor, what the 'ell are those scary-lookin' squid things?

THE DOCTOR. Now, Rose, I thought I'd taught you not to judge on appearances.

THE OOD. We must feed.

ROSE. What're they holding?

THE DOCTOR. Looks like a new version of the iPod.

THE OOD. We must feed.

ROSE. Aaaaaah, don't eat us! I'm armed with a yellow chair!

THE OOD. We must feed . . . you. Suckaz.

Suddenly DANNY and JEFFERSON appear.

Song. WE NEED TO KNOW (I NEED TO KNOW) (Wildhorn Bricusse)

DANNY. WE NEED TO KNOW

THE NATURE OF THE PEOPLE WHO BROKE IIIN

ZACH. (over com)I NEED TO KNOW

WHY YOU ALL ARE MAKING SUCH A DIN!

ROSE. WHY ARE THEY, DOCTOR,

FREAKING OUT ON US?

(of DANNY) WHY IS HE PINCHING HIMSELF

AND THEN ME?

JEFFERSON. HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

YOU'D BETTER COME WITH US!

He leads them through the base to the center.

THE DOCTOR. THE SET IS BLACK,

AND THE WRITING'S HACK—

ROSE. I CAN'T SEE! Hi, I'm Rose, and he's the Doctor.

ZACH. I NEED TO KNOW

WHY THIS GIRL AND THIS DOCTOR APPEARED

'CAUSE WE'RE WAY OUT

AND FOR YOU TO BE HERE IS REALLY WEIRD!

ROSE. What are all your names?

ZACH. Zach, Toby the wuss, Scooty the cute one, Ida the intense one, Danny the neurotic one, Jefferson the old guy, and various other incidental personnel. And the Ood.

THE DOCTOR. Ah. How succinct.

JEFFERSON. Isn't it? It's called Efficient Writing.

Explosions.

ZACH. WE NEED TO THROW

THE VIEWER HEADFIRST INTO THE PLOT.

ROSE. THE CAMERA WANTS

TO GET A FEW MORE OF MY BUTT SHOTS.

THE DOCTOR. ONE THING IS CERTAIN—

THE SET UP IS RICHLY DONE—

IDA. DON'T YOU LOVE HOW WE

PUT THE SCIENCE BACK IN

TO SCIENCE FICTION,

ADJUSTING THE BALANCE—

THE DOCTOR. THOUGH YOU COULD EASE UP

ON THE MARATHON OF SIN.

I'm all for episodes that leave in some mystery, some reliance on faith. But did the interpretation have to be so literal?

IDA. Shhh, Doctor, you're ruining it!

THE DOCTOR. I NEED TO SEE HOW THIS ENIGMA CAN BE

GIVE ME COURAGE TO GO WHERE NO TIME LORD WILL GO

AND I WILL GO

I NEED TO KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.

ROSE. Wow, I didn't know you had it in you.

THE DOCTOR. Quiet. I'm trying to impress Ida.

Explosion.

ROSE. What was that?

THE DOCTOR. Just the TARDIS going bye-bye. I mean . . . nothing. Let's hear some exposition about black holes. We should be dead.

IDA. Myths call this planet the Bitter Pill.

ROSE. Sounds like a good name for a rock band.

THE DOCTOR. I'm gonna hug you!

ROSE. (delightedly) Wot, me?

He hugs ZACH.

ZACH. Steady on, Juan Mann.

ROSE. Hey, Danny, tell me about the Ood.

DANNY. Basic slave race.

ROSE. That's shockin'!

SCOOTY. She's one of that lot. SPEW

SCOOTY flashes a Weasley Is Our King badge.

JEFFERSON. I wanna start a war!

ROSE. I'm going to make fun of Toby. Snork.

THE DOCTOR. OMG! The TARDIS is gone!!

Song. CRAP, WE ARE STUCK HERE (TAKE ME AS I AM) (Wildhorn/Bricusse)

ZACH. SORRY, GUYS, BUT YOU ARE STUCK HERE

BEST I CAN DO IS GIVE YOU A LIFT BACK

THE DOCTOR. BUT THIS CAN'T BE—I CAN'T BELIEVE IT—

ROSE. WHERE'S THE TARDIS?

THE DOCTOR. THERE IS JUST NO KNOWING!

AND NOW DESPAIR TEARS ME, OH GEE . . .

ROSE. WHO CAN YOU TURN TO BUT ME?

THE DOCTOR. WE'RE STUCK HERE,

CRAP, WE ARE STUCK HERE.

ROSE. LOOK IN MY EYES, WHO DO YOU SEE THERE?

SOMEONE YOU KNOW? OR JUST A STRANGER?

IF YOU ARE WISE, YOU WILL SEE ME THERE!

THE DOCTOR. BUT I DON'T WANT A MORTGAGE!

ROSE. GOTTA SETTLE DOWN, GOTTA GET A HOUSE

PERHAPS YOU CAN BE MY SPOUSE!

THE DOCTOR. Ewwwww.

YOU KNOW HOW I AM!

THAT'S NOT HOW I AM!

I HATE BEING PINNED DOWN; I PERSPIRE AND PALL

AT THE THOUGHT OF A CARPET TO INSTALL!

ROSE. GIVE ME A HUG!

GIVE ME YOUR HEARTS!

SWEAR TO ME, WE'LL NEVER PART!

THE DOCTOR. (ER, DON'T THINK SO)

ROSE. THIS IS NOT SO BAD!

THE DOCTOR. (YOU DON'T THINK IT'S BAD?!)

ROSE. 'CAUSE I'M STUCK WITH YOU.

TOBY. I'm going to be anti-social.

SCOOTY. Me too.

MATT JONES. I shall now blast "Bolero" for no apparent reason, really loud! Muhahahahahaha!

In TOBY's room.

TOBY. I hear voices. Should I turn around? He does so. Alien language markings appear all over his skin. Shit, who got a hold of a Sharpie? Was that you, Danny? You fetishist!

Everyone else is in the main part of the base, watching as SCOOTY's body flies eerily past. TOBY runs in, shocked.

Song. SATAN, SATAN (MURDER, MURDER) (Wildhorn/Bricusse)

THE DOCTOR. SHAME ABOUT THIS 'IDEOUS MURDER,

ZACH. PROFANE, RELIGIOUS MURDER!

THAT POOR YOUNG WOMAN.

WHAT A SHOCK!

ROSE. BUT TOBY'S NOT TO BLAME,

SEE, 'E'S TREMBLING FROM SHAME—

TOBY. THANK YOU, ROSE—

PARODY WRITER. WHAT A CROCK!

IDA. (to THE DOCTOR) DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?

DANNY. THE OOD ARE ACTING ODD!

ALL. WHY SHOULD IT BE

THIS MYSTERY?

The OOD are possessed.

OOD. The Beast will rise from the pit and make war on God.

ALL EXCEPT DOCTOR. SATAN, SATAN

IN THE NIGHT AIR

SATAN, SATAN

IT'S A NIGHTMARE

SATAN, SATAN

IT'S A RIGHT SCARE

IA BIT CHEESY

IN THE NIIIIIIIIIIGHT.

ZACH. The drilling's stopped.

IDA. I wanna go down! Pick me, pick me!

THE DOCTOR. Me too! Pick me, pick me!

ROSE. Doctor!

THE DOCTOR. I wanna wear the orange spacesuit! Oooh, pick me!

ZACH. Oh, whatever.

THE DOCTOR and IDA suit up.

ROSE. Oh, let me kiss you at least. (She licks his helmet, messily)

Back in the OOD quarters . . .

DANNY. Aaaah, the Ood are staring at me! Malevolently.

ZACH. (on the com) Think you can take being stared at?

THE DOCTOR and IDA land on the planet's surface.

THE DOCTOR. Oooh, look, the Mines of Moria.

IDA. Oooh, look, I'm standing on Aztec gold.

OOD. SATAN, SATAN

READS YOUR BRAAAAIN

SATAN, SATAN

'CAUSE YOU PAAAIN

SATAN, SATAN

HAS US SCREAMIN'

ALL EXCEPT DOCTOR. WE ARE FREAKED

ALL RIGHT!

THE DOCTOR. SATAN, SATAN

BUT WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

SATAN, SATAN?

IT'S BIZARRE, YOU

SATAN, SATAN

YOU DON'T SCARE ME

IN THE NIGHT

IN THE NIGHT . . .

OOD. Bad news from God, Doctor! Muhahahahahahaha!

JEFFERSON. THE BASE HAS GOT A FREAKY KILLER ON BOARD

ZACH. HE GOT SCOOT-Y

DANNY. AND NOW THE OOD ARE ACTING KIND OF ODD

ZACH. GROW UP, DANN-Y

THE DOCTOR. HE'LL GET US IF WE LET HIM

WE'VE GOT TO MOVE AGAINST HIM

I KNOW A WAY TO NET HIM—

DANNY. HOW?

OOD. SATAN!

ALL. IN THE NIGHT

IN THE NIGHT!

(SATAN, SATAN)

Song. GET OFF YOUR BUTT- AND DO SOME WORK (YOUR WORK- AND NOTHING MORE) (Wildhorn/Bricusse)

ROSE. GET OFF YOUR BUTT –

AND DO SOME WORK

LOOK AT THIS TIME

THAT WE ARE WASTING!

WE'RE MEN NOT MICE;

WE CANNOT SHIRK

OUR DUTY—NOW

WE MUST BE HASTY.

DANNY. BUT WE'VE NO PLAN

JUST SNIVELLING JOE (indicates TOBY)

AND YOUR BLEEDIN' HEART

WILL LET HIM LIVE, SO

ZACH. THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG

IDA. (from planet) I FEAR THE WORST—

IT'S LIKE WHEN HOPE DIES.

ROSE. I, WHO HAVE KNOWN

HIM FOR SO LONG,

I DON'T SEE

WHERE THE PATH LIES . . .

The OOD start chasing the humans.

ROSE.OOD.

THERE WAS A TIMEWE

I LIVED MY LIFEARE

AND I NEVER THOUGHTCOMING

OF SOMETHIN' BIGGER

DANNY. I'VE GOT A PLANTO GET

WE'LL USE A TACKYOU, NOTHING

THAT'S TECHNICAL--MORE.

TOBY. CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

DANNY. WE'VE GOT TO CRAWLDON'T

ROSE. ON KNEES AN' ALL?FIGHT

I'VE GOT TO STARETHE

AT DANNY'S BEHIND?BEAST.

YOU

TOBY. I'LL MAKE A CRACKDON'T WHAT

THAT YOUR BUM'S NOTYOU'RE LIVING FOR . . .

WORTH LOOKING AT—

ROSE. Oi!

They crawl through the service tunnels. On the planet . . .

IDA. THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGETHE DOCTOR. JUST KEEP CALM

UNLESS I'M A WIMPYOU'RE A SCIENTIST

I'M FREAKING OUT,

'S NOT LIKE ME

TO FEAR AND DOUBT.

THE DOCTOR. YOUR SPECIES'S BRAVEIDA. AM I CHASING

DREAMS

DON'T BE A FLAKEI'LL NEVER FIND?

THE PROBLEM'S ALL IN YOUR MIND!

ZACH. ROSE.IDA.

YOU HAVE YOUR WORK-- GOT TO GET OUT,THE CABLE . . .

OFFICER SCOTT--SEPARATION ONLY ADDS

CAN YOU HEAR ME?TO MY FRUSTRATION

WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?AND HE'S IN

DANGER . . .

DOCTOR . . .

DANNY.ZACH.

PLEASE, WE'VE NO TIME!OKAY, OKAY, ERGH—

I ASK NO MORE—GOTTA AERATE—

IS IT A CRIMEHERE COME THE OOD

TO WANT TO LIVE ON?AND ALL I'VE GOT IS

A BOLT GUN WITH ONE BOLT!

IDA.ZACH.JEFFERSON.

WHAT'S DOWN THERE?GET OUT, MAN,SIR, I KNOW—

I MUST KNOW!MOVE FASTER, GIVING

I'M THE QUINT-I'VE GOT TOTHE REST TIME

ESSENTIALAERATE THEN SEAL!TO GET OUT!

EXPLORER . . .

TOBY.DANNY/ ROSE. ZACH.THE DOCTOR.

OH MY GODOH MY GODMY GODIF YOU LIVE A LONG

GET ME OUTTHEY GOT HIMITIME LOTS OF PEOPLE I

THEY'RE … ME …HE'S … GONE …CAN'T FIND TEND TO

GET ME OUTCAN'T BELIEVE HEDEALDIE ON YOU

THANKS GUYSGAVE HISWITHAND YOU CAN

I ALMOST LIFE FOR USTHISDO NOTHING AND THE

DIED THEREI WILL NOTJOB TRUTH IS

(YET I'MFORGET THISTHRUSTTHAT I'M ALL

SO FALSEFIND OUR WAYFIND OURABOUT

AND SHARPIFIED.)FIND OUR WAY!WAY!ANGST!

PARODY WRITER. Phew!

DANNY, ROSE, and TOBY rush to enact the virus to neutralize the OOD. On the planet . . .

Song. LOST IN THE DARKNESS (Wildhorn/Bricusse)

THE DOCTOR. LOST IN THE DARKNESS

SILENCE SURROUNDS YOU

ONCE I WAS CERTAIN

NOW I'M NOT SURE

IDA. D'YOU THINK YOU CAN REACH IT?

CAN YOU GIVE ME A SPEECH—IT

MUST BE INSPIRING BECAUSE THIS LOOKS BLEAK!

THE DOCTOR. I WILL FIND THE ANSWER—

IDA. I DON'T WANT TO DIE ALONE!

THE DOCTOR. I KNOW. BUT NOW I'M GONNA JUUUUUUUUMP . . .

He does so. He breaks the glass of his helmet. He tries the com.

THE DOCTOR. I hope you're getting this, Ida. (he turns) Who the hell are you?

MAL REYNOLDS. Hold it right there, partner. I ain't in the habit of having my identity demanded when there's a stranger doing the demanding.

THE DOCTOR. But who are you? And how can you be here?!

MAL. I was askin' myself the self-same question, and then I came upon it.

THE DOCTOR. You're the Beast?

MAL. I been called worse things. Nah, just a little mixed up. Heard familiar-type music that 'ccompanies me on my travels. Think if I head back in the direction I came from, I'll be back to my ship in a jiffy.

THE DOCTOR. Your ship?

MAL. Serenity.

THE DOCTOR. You haven't seen a big blue box, have you?

MAL. What's that?

THE DOCTOR. My ship.

MAL. Might've seen it a few yards back, hard to tell with all this gorram darkness. Well, I'm gonna be on my way now before the parody writer's brain pan goes all silly again. Best of luck to you.

THE DOCTOR. Thanks. Ida, I think I'm suffering oxygen deprivation . . . I'm having hallucinations.11

ZACH, DANNY, and TOBY try to convince ROSE to leave.

ROSE. But I can't leave him! We've been through so much together! The entirety of the Kama Sutra . . .

ZACH. Rose, I hate to have to do this to you. (he punches her) Least that shut her up. Come one.

Under the surface of the planet.

THE DOCTOR. I wonder what these pretty vases do. Oh.

THE BEAST appears.

Song. CONFRONTATION (Wildhorn/Bricusse)

On board the ship, ROSE is strapped in. TOBY laughs maniacally.

TOBY (to himself). DO YOU REALLY THINK

THAT I WOULD EVER LET YOU GO?

DO YOU THINK I'D EVER SET YOU FREE?

IF YOU DO I'M SAD TO SAY

IT SIMPLY ISN'T SO

YOU WILL NEVER GET AWAY FROM ME!

THE DOCTOR. ALL THAT YOU ARE

IS A BADLY DRAWN PIXEL!

I SHORT THE CGI AND YOU DISAPPEAR!

THE BEAST. I'M GOOD ENOUGH

FOR THE STUFF IN LOTR22!

UNIMAGINATIVE, BUT I'M STILL HERE!

THE DOCTOR. ALL THAT YOU ARE

IS A "DAEMONS" REPEAT!

ALL THAT YOU ARE IS A BAD CLICHÉ!

IN A MINUTE,

I SHALL FLY AWAY!

THE BEAST. I MAY BE CLICHED, MY FRIEND,

BUT THIS WILL NEVER END.

UNLESS YOU HURL A ROCK, CAVEMAN-STYLE!

I SHALL KILL ROSE

NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY PRETEND

AND YOUR DIRTY INNUENDO IS VILE!

THE DOCTOR. I DON'T NEED YOU TO SURVIVE

LIKE YOU NEED ME—

I'LL STAY HERE

AND TRAPPED YOU'LL BE—

OH NO, THAT MEANS

TOBY MUST GO FREE!

THE BEAST. IT'S THE CHOICE OF A SEASON!

THE DOCTOR. No!

THE BEAST. ALTHOUGH IT'S ONE YOU'VE HAD BEFORE—

THE DOCTOR. . . . Maybe . . .

THE BEAST. AND I KNOW THAT NOW AND FOREVER

YOU'LL NEVER ENDANGER

THE GIRL THAT YOU LOVE!

ROSE sees TOBY being Sharpified. She takes out the bolt gun.

THE DOCTOR. BUT YOU SEE

SHE'S NOT A WIMP,

YOU SUCKAH!

He smashes the vases.

THE BEAST. NO, NOT I!

ONLY YOU!

The ship starts getting sucked into the black hole. ROSE shoots the window.

ROSE. GO TO HELL,

GO TO HELL!

TOBY. WHAT ARE YOU—

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

He's sucked out.

THE BEAST. NO! NEVER!

THE DOCTOR. YES, FOREVER.

ZACH. Oh crap, we're going into a black hole.

PARODY WRITER. They did not go into a black hole. The Doctor found the TARDIS, saved Ida, towed the ship, felt sorry for the Ood, exchanged Rose for Ida, and later had tea and biscuits. The end.

Eventually … Scene Three. Love & Monsters. (Titanic)

11 Be sure to stay tuned for "The Ballad of Bad Wolf," this author's crossover fan fic based on "Bad Wolf" / "The Parting of the Ways" meets Firefly.

22 Lord of the Rings, obviously.