She didn't sleep that entire night.
She didn't even try.
All she could do was cry.
She didn't even go into the girls' dormitory proper. Instead, she sat up against the window, looking out at the dark, starry night, letting the tears run down her cheeks.
She couldn't understand it. She knew that he was walking into darkness, but she had thought and hoped that somehow, someway, they could hold on to each other. Even just as friends, the friends that grew up together.
But then she had walked in on him being tormented, and like before, she had tried to intervene. But something had gone wrong. He had lashed out, saying a word that she had never heard him say.
And so she snapped back. The pressure of exams, the pent-up disgust and frustration that had kept her away from the arrogant toerag that was James Potter all year, and a betrayal by someone who had been her closest friend since childhood. She thought he deserved it – how dare he insult her family! She couldn't control who she was born to, and after all, he could control his behavior. That was the only rational explanation.
Of course, it didn't explain the tears.
It also didn't explain why he had come to apologize, to plead for her forgiveness. But the crime was unforgivable, and she knew where he was going… or did she?
His final words had confused – and scared – her the most. Could she have been wrong, somehow, in not forgiving him? Was she at fault as much as he, for siding with the Marauders against her closest friend, something she had never done before?
Could he, Severus Snape, really change?
She didn't know the answers. She wished she did, so she could put the matter out of her thoughts, but she knew in her heart that even if she did know the answers, she wouldn't be able to escape the pain, a pain she didn't even understand.
After all, they had always known that they were only friends, right?
But she had been wrong. Severus had always believed it was more, she could see that now. He wouldn't have tried so hard, begged for my forgiveness so much, if we were just merely friends…
She knew that Severus saw them as more than friends, that he had always seen that, that he had always felt that.
And to her great confusion and wrenching sadness, she knew that she had always seen and felt it too.
"Severus?"
There was no response, only the muffled scratching of a quill on parchment.
"Severus?"
Still no response.
"Severus Snape, talk to me!" Regulus Black growled, keeping his voice low. "What's going on?"
"I'm busy, Regulus, I have to get this done," Severus replied distractedly, not even looking up as he scribbled on the parchment more and more. To Regulus' eyes, it seemed like he was making a list of some sort, but with Severus' narrow, cramped handwriting, he couldn't tell what the list was for.
"Like hell you're going to ignore me like this," Regulus snarled, an uncommon anger seizing him as he leaned closer to the greasy-haired teenager. "You got back from… from wherever the hell you were last night and you haven't been the same since. You were up at six this morning – six, Severus – and you went down for breakfast. Do you even remember what you ate for breakfast?"
Severus looked up slightly and saw a plate and an empty goblet. He shrugged. "Toast and orange juice, I guess."
"Severus Snape, you don't eat toast!" Regulus said furiously, his eyes blazing as he watched Severus shrug again and go back to work. "You don't eat food with your fingers ever – you always have something you can eat with a knife and fork!"
"I don't see how my breakfast choices are relevant to this, Regulus," Severus muttered distractedly, still fixed on his list.
"And then there's the matter of getting up at six. Snape, this is Hogwarts. People get up at the earliest around seven, no earlier. No, but you felt that you had to get up at six, and me, being the light sleeper that I am, happened to hear you, become curious, get ready myself, and follow you. I have now spent the last ninety minutes trying to get you to listen to me." Regulus emphasized those words, hoping that they would somehow bring Severus back to the present, and the extremely odd situation that was going on around them.
"I'm listening," Severus replied, a familiar irritable edge entering his voice. Regulus breathed a little easier – maybe Severus was getting back to normal. And it wouldn't be too soon, he thought. Unlike most of the political and constantly-shifting Slytherin, Severus Snape was a reliable force – even if it was a constant force infused with sarcasm, bitterness, acrid commentary, cynicism, and covered in grease and the Dark Arts to boot.
Regulus liked having constant, reliable forces in his life – one of the reasons he couldn't stand his brother, who seemed to be the embodiment of chaos himself – and he had learned to keep his mouth shut when Severus was busy or in a foul mood; thus, the two young men had gotten along fairly well.
But Severus' newest changes – an early rise, consumption of food with his fingers, and the disturbing preoccupation with a list – seemed to reflect a deeper change that made Regulus uneasy. What happened to Severus last night?
"So why aren't you responding to me, if you're listening?" Regulus pursued.
"Because, quite frankly, what you're saying isn't quite that important right now. It's not that I'm not listening – I just don't care."
Regulus threw up his hands with disgust. "I don't understand you."
"Don't try. You never will."
Regulus was about to add a sarcastic remark, but he was interrupted by a trio of new arrivals: Damian Mulciber, Nicholas Avery, and Evan Rosier.
"Hey Black, clear out, we need to talk to Snape for a minute."
Regulus snorted as he moved away. Good luck with that. "Have fun." He went down the table to where he had thrown his bag.
After casting one uneasy look at the Gryffindor table, where the extremely odd situation was happening, he pulled out his Charms notes and began reviewing the Banishing Charm for his coming exam.
Evan Rosier settled himself directly across from Severus and noted the plates in the center of the table. "Guess you've already eaten."
"Guess you haven't."
Rosier rolled his eyes. It was typical of Snape to be difficult, especially in the mornings – as a roommate, he knew better than anyone that Severus Snape was not a morning person.
"So where were you last night?" Rosier asked mildly.
"Handling a situation," Severus replied shortly, flipping his parchment over to scribble anew.
"And did the handling go… well?" Damian Mulciber asked, his eyes narrowing.
Severus snorted under his breath. "As well as could be expected for one in my shoes."
"And what does that mean?"
"Do I ask you where you go when you sneak out of the dormitories at night?"
Rosier grinned. "You know better than to ask – only Rabastan's that dumb. So who was it?"
Severus ignored the veiled implications in Rosier's comment. "Who was what? Make sense."
Rosier lowered his voice. "Who did you shag last night?"
Severus looked up then, his eyes blank. "What?"
"Come on, Snape, we always give details, now it's your turn!" Mulciber said enthusiastically, his eyes lighting up. "You said you were 'handling a situation' – well, who was the 'situation?'"
Severus sighed and turned back to his paper. "Correction to your statement, Mulciber – only Rosier deigns to supply details, because he's the only one who is currently active. You and Avery on the other hand spend most of your time…"
"Rabastan's no better!" Avery snapped angrily.
"I wasn't even going to mention him – I thought that was self-explanatory," Severus replied, completely disinterested in the conversation. Rosier frowned – this amount of disinterest was strange coming from Snape. He typically didn't care about plenty of the rubbish that went around Hogwarts, but at least he had been willing to actively listen before. Now he just seemed… occupied.
"In any case," Rosier said, trying to speak as directly to Severus as possible, "I need to borrow your Transfiguration notes. The exam's in an hour and I need to pass."
"Use your own notes," Severus replied distractedly.
Rosier snorted. "Yeah, and you know how far that's gotten me. Your writing might be terrible, but at least you take good notes."
"I'm busy. Sorry."
"Busy?" Rosier couldn't believe his ears – Severus had never refused to let him read notes before in any subject. "Busy with what? That scrap of parchment? Are you saying that it's not Transfiguration notes?"
Severus only rolled his eyes in response.
"What is that paper, anyways, Snape?" Mulciber asked, trying to catch a glance at the paper, but he couldn't make out a single word in the cramped writing.
Severus finally looked up and fixed Rosier with a steady, emotionless gaze. "Have you ever wanted something so badly that you'd do anything, change anything, to get it? Something you would even sell your very soul to get?"
Rosier smirked and tapped the inside of his left forearm. "Is it about that?"
Severus sighed slightly with mingled exasperation and resignation. "Close enough. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to continue working."
Rosier shrugged. "As long as you're developing new curses for us to practice on Mudbloods, I'm fine. Narcissa, you're up!"
The willowy blond girl had settled herself down next to Severus. She didn't look especially well, but the O.W.L.s had been taxing. She was still remarkably pretty with her long white-blond hair and striking features.
She was also the only girl in their year in Slytherin that Rosier had not shagged in some way.
"Of course I am," Narcissa replied disdainfully, tossing her long hair back. "It's the morning of our exams. Why wouldn't I be up?"
"Fancy a quick shag before the exam? You know, for good luck." Rosier smiled charmingly.
"Fancy having all of your pubic hair scalped off in public and replaced with porcupine quills?"
Rosier winced. "That spell doesn't exist."
"Not yet," Severus mumbled, and Mulciber and Avery both chuckled.
"I'll take that as a 'no', then," Rosier replied, disappointedly. "Come on, boys – let's see if we can hex a Ravenclaw into letting us 'borrow' her notes. Who knows, I might get my good-luck shag after all."
The three boys all laughed and left the table, leaving Narcissa and Severus alone at the end of the table.
"They're pigs," Narcissa spat with disgust. "Between Rosier and my beloved cousin, they must have slept with every girl in the school by now."
"Not yet, but they're both certainly trying," Severus replied distractedly. "Do you want something, Narcissa? I am rather busy this morning."
Narcissa twisted a lock of hair around one of her fingers nervously. "Can I borrow your Transfiguration notes, please?"
"I don't see why not," Severus replied, not even looking up from his paper, which he had nearly filled with cramped, narrow writing, front and back. "At least you had the dignity to say 'please.' Let me get them out of my bag."
"I can do it, if you're busy."
Severus, for the first time that morning, let out a brief, sharply bitter laugh. "No, you couldn't. Anybody who touches my bag besides me will have the flesh on their fingers rot off, piece by piece."
Narcissa's eyes were wide. "Where did you find that curse?"
"Restricted Section. Brewed a batch of potions for Slughorn and he gave me a signed note for the book."
"But why would you place a curse like that on your book bag?" she asked, perplexed.
Severus snorted. "I'm the most convenient target of the Gryffindor imbeciles otherwise well-known as the Marauders. Considering Potter's most famous for his Disarming Charm, I'd always like to see what would happen if he just happened to Disarm me of my book bag instead." Severus' thin mouth gave a remorseless smile. "That would be…entertaining, to say the least."
Narcissa, like all the others who had attempted to talk to Severus that morning, was perplexed by Severus' oddly distracted and absorbed attitude. She had always been somewhat friendly with him, considering that he had been Lucius Malfoy's protégé when the rich pureblood had been at school, and she his girlfriend. When Lucius had left the school, he specifically instructed Severus to ensure that Narcissa stay 'safe and pure' while she was at Hogwarts. Apparently, Severus thought scathingly, he wants his future bride to remain a virgin while he's out shagging any witch rich and smitten enough to be with him… hypocrite…
"So what were you writing, anyways?" Narcissa asked curiously, as Severus tucked the paper into his bag and handed her a stack of Transfiguration notes. "Was it really about… you know, the Dark Lord?"
Severus snorted. "I was lying to Rosier – I'll tell you and Regulus after the exams today. Who knows, I could even use some of your help with it."
Narcissa nearly choked on her glass of pumpkin juice, astounded by what she heard. Severus Snape, one of the most brilliant Slytherins to pass through our house minus the Dark Lord, Lucius, and Bellatrix, is asking ME for help? What the hell is going on – it's not just the Gryffindors that are acting strange today!
Severus, meanwhile, was not even looking at Transfiguration notes at all. His eyes were narrowly scrutinizing the Gryffindor table, where something very odd had occurred.
The Marauders were not holding court that morning, it appeared. They all tended to love to make a grandiose entrance and bask in the adulation of their house. But this morning, they were all huddled together at the far end of the table, talking in low voices and casting strange glances across the hall. Whenever a younger or older student approached the group, he or she was shooed away. But it didn't seem like many of the people noticed the strange lack of Marauder activity – most of the girls were looking somber and whispering to each other frantically, while most of the boys just watched in confusion, completely ignored by the girls.
Strangest of all, not a single fifth-year Gryffindor girl was at the table.
"What do you suppose is going on over there?" Severus asked Narcissa quietly. "Even O.W.L. stress doesn't typically tame the Lion's Den like this? And where on earth did Potter get that bruise across his face?"
Little did Severus and Narcissa know that the Marauders were on a similar topic of conversation – albeit, one with a bit more vigorous argument.
James gingerly felt the bruise on his face. "I still don't understand it. Lily has this argument with Snape – I mean, I knew they were friends, but close enough to have a shouting match outside the portrait hole?"
"A pity we couldn't hear what it was about," Peter muttered to himself, helping himself to a large muffin.
"I'm not sure I would have wanted to," James snapped sharply, "especially after what I heard last night between Snape and Dumbledore. I mean, I didn't know the entire context, but I got the gist."
"Scary, eh?" Sirius added, taking a large bite of his toast even as he pondered. "I mean, I knew Snivellus liked Evans, but come on! Clearly, he thought there was more there than there actually was."
"But that doesn't explain why Lily didn't even go up into the dormitory last night, or why she slapped me for insulting him!" James said heatedly. "I mean, once you break with somebody, especially like that, you're supposed to be happy, right?"
"According to you, they should be, at least," Sirius remarked with a snort that he cut off with another bite of toast.
"Well, it still was surprising to see such… well, such emotion there," James said anxiously. "I mean, what do you think, Remus… Remus?"
"I'm studying, James. Unlike you, I'm not a genius at Transfiguration, and I actually want to pass my exam," Remus replied tiredly. "It's bad enough I'm so tired – I should not have waited up for you two."
"But you've got to have some sort of opinion on this," James said, his eyes wide and frantic. "I mean, if Lily's in this state, she could ruin her exams and become even worse towards me, and that's the last thing I want!"
Sirius snorted. "Mate, if you can take one bit of advice in this world, then take this: don't go with damaged girls. They are needy, cranky, and impossible to work with."
"But I like Lily!"
"Enough to attack her friend in plain sight?" Remus said, a nasty note in his voice. "I told you that you shouldn't have done it!"
"Only after we did it, and it's not as if you did anything to stop us," Sirius pointed out sharply. "You were just studying the whole time."
"For good reason," Remus muttered, closing his book and turning to the other Marauders. "Look, to speak logically and frankly, plenty of people share the blame here, and it's not just Snape for calling Lily the M-word or Lily for calling him Snivellus. After all, who attacked Snape to start with? And what was your motivation? Didn't you two go after him just because you, Padfoot, said you were bored?"
Sirius flushed. "I… didn't think –"
"Since when do you ever?" Peter volunteered.
"Ooh, that's low, Padfoot. You were burned by Wormtail," James said with a smirk, and Sirius went even redder.
"Prongs, you're just as bad. If anything, you're responsible for this whole mess – after all, you were trying to flirt with Lily the entire time, and that was sure to set Snape in a bad mood, especially when you're dangling him upside down in public and especially given his feelings towards Lily, which we now know exist."
"Despite the curiosity of that, I don't really care about Snape's feelings right now," James said heatedly. "I care about making up with Lily and getting things to work again there!"
"Not to be rude, Prongs, but they never really worked," Peter volunteered.
"Shut up, Wormtail, nobody asked you. Well, Remus? How can I do that? You're the expert on feelings here?"
"And what gave me that specialty?" Remus asked tiredly.
"Oh come on, we all have our specialties. Mine's Quidditch, Padfoot's is shagging, and Wormtail's is food. Yours is feelings."
"Wow, I feel so special," Remus remarked sarcastically, turning back to his Transfiguration book. "How about you try apologizing to Lily, instead of trying to make Snape apologize?"
James sighed. "But she'll slap me silly the second I try and talk to her."
"Fine. Then I think your best option is to apologize to Snape and pray to heaven that he makes up with Lily and informs her of your apology and that you might actually be a decent person."
"You think Snivellus will be any easier to talk to than Lily?" James asked, aghast. "He hates me!"
"You and I have made his life a living hell, Prongs," Sirius said in a low voice.
"But that's because he's a greasy git obsessed with the Dark Arts! He's not about to change that now, isn't he? And he hangs around with a bunch of Junior Death Eaters!"
"Well, best of luck, then. And I wouldn't call him Snivellus when you talk to him, by the way," Remus added with a shrug.
After all, what could he really say? James had gotten into this mess himself – and for once, he was going to have to deal with consequences of his actions – something he was not used to doing.
Transfiguration wasn't as difficult as Severus initially expected it to be – which was a huge relief, considering there was so much on his mind. The practical actually went better than he expected, as he happened to be quite adroit with Vanishing Spells. But then again, he thought darkly, I have had a lot of practice with those, considering all the garbage that Potter and Black have dumped on me over the years…
Narcissa was waiting for him when he came out of the exam, something that slightly startled Severus; he had expected her to be one of the first ones back to the common room.
"Well?" she asked tersely when he got close and they began making their way to the common room.
"Well what?"
"How did your exam go?"
Severus sighed. "As I expected – a bit easier actually. What about you?"
Narcissa huffed. "Well, your notes were a life-saver on the written portion – no surprises there, considering I think you recopy the entire textbook in your notes – and I think the practical went well, but you really can never tell on that sort of thing. Frankly, though," she added suddenly, turning to look at Severus, "I'm surprised you got through that exam so easily."
"Why do you say that?" Severus asked blandly.
"Didn't you see Lily Evans?"
Severus took a steadying breath, but it wasn't enough to stop his hands from shaking. He didn't know how much Narcissa knew about how close they were, and it always unnerved him when she mentioned their friendship – past friendship now, unfortunately, Severus thought, but not if my 'plan' works. "She was, ah, sitting behind me. I couldn't see her."
"Lucky you," Narcissa grimaced. "She kept crying through the entire exam every time she even looked up at your direction, and those blood traitors –"
"Potter and Black?"
"Those two, yes, were not making things easier for her. They were staring at her the entire time and trying to communicate with hand signals – not even caring about the damned exam that they somehow had finished already – and whenever they tried, they just threw her off. Strange enough, though, is the fact that she arrived with all the other Gryffindor girls and left with them too – I was always under the impression she was a bit of a loner in the house…"
Severus didn't answer. She knew that Lily's relationships with the other girls in her dorm was uncomfortable – not as uncomfortable as his relationship with the boys in his dorm, but uncomfortable nonetheless – and that she had mostly found solace in her private friendship with Severus. It must be awkward having to be with them now, but they won't hesitate to help her… Gryffindors always look out for each other.
Lily did have one reliable friend in her dorm that Severus knew about: Mary MacDonald. Unsurprisingly, Severus didn't like her in the slightest, and he knew it was vice-versa for her. It had always been a source of great frustration for Lily that she couldn't ever bring the two together, but she knew that had been a losing battle right from the start.
They reached the Slytherin common room in minutes, and Severus led the way to the boys' dormitory, which was – thankfully – deserted except for Regulus, who was lounging on Rosier's bed.
"Ah, good, took you long enough," Regulus said, putting his hands behind his head. "How was Tranfiguration?"
"Fine."
"A nightmare."
"You said the exam went well, Narcissa," Severus said mildly, closing the dormitory door with a muffled clunk.
"Didn't stop it from being a nightmare," she replied, sitting on Severus' bed. "Regulus, you might want to get off of that – you don't know what Rosier's done in it." The younger Black jumped away immediately and began frantically wiping his pants and shirt.
"Oh stop it, Regulus, it could be worse," Severus said tiredly, locking the door of the dormitory. Drawing his wand, he pointed it at the door and said, "Colloportus. Muffliato." With a squelch, the door sealed shut.
"What was that for?" Narcissa asked, her eyes narrowing.
"Security purposes," Severus said briskly, sitting on his old trunk and rooting through his bag. "Now, I wanted to talk to both of you –"
"Shocking enough," Regulus remarked dryly, "considering how you were acting this morning."
"-And I feel I might need…I might need, well, some help with this." Severus finished awkwardly, trying to keep the flush of embarrassment out of his features.
"Now that's a first," Narcissa said with a smirk. "So why come to us?"
Severus eyed her steadily. "Because out of the people I can potentially talk to, I trust you more than the others – and that's not saying much."
"Thanks. You sure know how to make a girl feel special," Narcissa replied caustically. "So what do you want?"
Severus lowered his voice. "Anything that is said here does not leave this room, understand me?" he growled.
Regulus and Narcissa exchanged glances, and Severus knew they were wondering what they had gotten themselves into.
"Well, I –"
"No exceptions, and I'd take any leakages very seriously," Severus added, glaring at Regulus. "Besides, it would be in both of your best interests to help me."
"And why do you say that?" Narcissa asked coolly. "You don't have 'friends' the same way the others do, Snape, and you certainly don't trust those morons who you share a room with, so why do say it would be in our best interest to help you? What can you offer?"
"You'd be surprised," Severus replied smoothly. "So, do we have a deal?"
Narcissa and Regulus exchanged looks again before turning back to Severus and nodding. Inwardly, he breathed a sigh of relief – he had been prepared to Obliviate them if necessary, and he didn't like meddling with others' memories.
"Good," Severus said crisply, pulling over a small bedside table and placing his list on it. "This document here should explain what I want to do."
They leaned in closer, their eyes going wide as they read the cramped, but legible title.
Moonlight Metamorphosis – The Evolution of the Half-Blood Prince
