This is my first fanfiction for Mortal Instruments. Please keep in mind that this IS a parody. I noticed that there are NO parodies at all for this series, and took it upon myself to write one. That's just the kind of nice person I am... References: Destiny's Child, Twilight, awesome Tamora Pierce fic, (yeah, I wish I was that cool) obscure Blazing Saddles. Spot them all and get a cookie!
If I owned Mortal Instruments, Jace wouldn't be fictional.
STARTPARODYSTARTPARODYSTARTPARODY!
Club: -is jumping jumping-
Line: -is long-
Demon: -is persuasive- Hi! Just let me in, nice bouncer man, my Very Sharp and Extremely Ironic Weapon is actually made of bendy rubber! -dazzles bouncer-
Bouncer: Whoaaaa man, I feel trippy! Feel free to go in, all you punks…. I'ma just gonna lie down now…. –keels over-
Everyone: Yay! –stampedes-
Very Sharp and Extremely Ironic Weapon: -conveniently disappears and is never seen again-
Demon: Mortal fools. –slips in- I think I'm just gonna kill someone now…. –spots Isabelle- -eyes bug out- ooh! She's purty! I'm going to be stupid and follow her, even though the reader knows that strange creatures that follow hot girls into random storage closets always die!
Readers: We know that? –collective shrug-
Isabelle: Coooome to meeee, my beauty! I will kill you in a The Storage Room while being incredibly hawt!
Demon: Wha? Wha'd you say?
Isabelle: -lifts skirts-
Demon: Uh, never mind! –salivates-
SCENECHANGESCENECHANGESCENECHANGE!
Simon and Clary: We're dancing! Yay!
Simon: I'm the sidekick! I exist both to make Clary less of a friendless weirdo and more of a relatable character! I also represent the Jewish minority! Yay!
Clary: -elbows Simon- Hi, I'm Clary! I like drawing!
Simon: Coughweirdocough
Clary: And I like rainbows and ponies and butterflies and ooh! Hot guy!
Simon: -looks secretly tortured-
Clary: Oh, wait, he's going off with that hot girl. Darn. –dramatic drop in self-esteem-
-Hot, Mysterious and Deadly boys slink in, creepishly following Demon and Isabelle-
Clary: Ohmygosh! Those boys are Hot, Mysterious and Deadly! And they're following that couple! We must be nosy busybodies and alert the police!
Simon: -obediently trots off-
Clary: -follows Hot Mysterious and Deadly guys into The Storage Room-
Clary: Like, where did they go?-blinks- There they are. How excessively peculiar. And golly! They're going to kill that hot guy! STOP!
Everyone: -freezes-
Alec: What the heck is that?
Jace: It's a girl, fool. Surely you've seen one before?
Alec: -mooney eyes at Jace-
Jace: -ignores- I'm going to patronize you and insult you now, little girl.
Clary: -drool- -blink- Wha? Oh, okay…
Jace: -paces up and down, stroking chin- You perfectly ordinary creature! You have no inkling of galaxies beyond galaxies, worlds beyond your wildest dreams, and the expanding glory of creation at its best, (that's me, by the way)…
Clary: -drools-
Jace: I'm going to let slip a lot of information to clue in the reader, okay?
Clary: -faintly- Anything for the plot purposes….
Jace: –points to himself- I'm a demon hunter! –points again- He's a demon hunter! She's a demon hunter! –points at Isabelle- Thaaat's a demon! We hunt demons and are extremely hot!
Readers: -drool-
Jace: -looks around-
-snaps fingers in front of face-
-looks at all glazed expressions-
Jace: I've recently taken up cross-dressing. And I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.
-crickets-
Readers: -drool-
Clary: -drools-
Alec: -drools-
Simon: -bursts in- You stole my line, mortal fool!
Everyone: -continues to stare at Jace-
Simon: -walks dejectedly out-
Jace: Alec and Isabelle think I talk too much. Do youuuuuu think I talk too much?
Clary: Well… maybe… -looks in Jace's eyes- -becomes brain dead-
Jace: Do I dazzle you? –preens-
Edward Cullen: You stole my line, mortal fool! –double take- And my blessed good looks!
Jace: Up yours!
Edward Cullen: As if!
Jace: Ah, touché!
Demon: -coughcough-
Everyone: -blinks- -looks ashamed- -and disappears, leaving only Alec, Jace, Isabelle and Clary-
Demon: Why does everyone always forget about meeee?
Everyone: 'Cause Jace is hawt, biatch!
Demon: -sob-
Jace: I'ma kill this demon!
Demon: Hey!
Jace: -attacks demon-
Jace and Demon: -fight!-
Everyone: Fight fight fight!
Jace: -is victorious-
Demon: -dies and horrible and gruesome death-
Clary: Ew.
Everyone: -turns and looks at Clary-
Alec: I'm just gonna take a sudden and completely random dislike to you now, 'kay?
Isabelle: You biatch! You nearly got Jace killed!
Jace: You complete me.
-crickets-
Everyone: WHAAAT?
-Flips ahead in script-
Readers: That doesn't happen for another three hundred and one pages!
Jace: Oh, sorry. Line!
Director: It's Clary's line, mortal fool!
Clary: -smirks at Jace- -delivers line flawlessly- Youuuuu're craaaaazy! You're alllll crazy! What do you think you are, vigilante killers?
Jace: -patiently- Nooooo, we're demon hunters. Remember?
Clary: No, actually. I was too busy salivating over your astonishing good looks.
Jace: -preens-
Alec: -drools-
Isabelle: -is annoyed 'cause she hasn't had a line in forever-
Simon: -bursts in again- Clary! Clary! Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay! I would kill myself if you so much as got a paper cut!
Clary: -is oblivious- Uh, no, I'm fine. It's Jace you have to worry about, he's hurt!
Simon: Who? What? When? Where? Why? HOW?????? –head swivels-
Jace, Alec and Isabelle: -smile and wave-
Simon: Who's Jace?
Clary: -is really bad at lying on the spot… on the rug…- Uh, he's my…. He's my... imaginary friend!
Jace: -says quietly in ear- So we're friends now? I'm touched.
Alec: I'd like to make you feel touched….
Jace: What?
Alec: Nothing! Nothing! Did I say something? I didn't say anything!
Jace: -is confused-
Simon: -is suspicious- Okaaay, lets go now, Clary!
Clary: Okay! –looks behind her-
Alec: -death glare-
Isabelle: -smiles evilly and waves-
Jace: -mouths 'call me!'- -winks-
Clary: -trips over own feet-
Demon: -is dead-
FIRSTCHAPTERDONE!
Review please! And if you value your sanity, or lack thereof, do not flame!
