Loooong chapter! Yay! And:
Thank you all for your lovely reviews! Just to clear this up, I do, in fact, adore the Mortal Instruments series, I make fun of them, but I'm laughing with them, not at them.
References: Life of Brian, Alice In Wonderland, My Immortal, Maximum Ride, Some Phone Commercial and a refrigerator magnet that I saw once! Yay!
Disclaimer: Consider yourself, unclaimed!
BEGINNINGOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!
Demon: Why is this chapter called ShadowPunters?
Jace: -appears randomly- -kicks demon in a very sensitive area-
Demon: -falls away over horizon-
Jace: -dusts hands off and smirks-
ENDOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!
Clary: -is being waited on by Simon- I want coffee….black….like my soul…. Or like a road after the rain… or like a cat… or like a pirate's teeth… or like….
Readers: Or like your eye's gonna be if you don't stop rambling!
Random Girl: -is wearing all black and hot pink and a corset and is totaly goffik-
Random Girl: Hey, i'm Ebony Raven Dementia Way! –points at Simon- Is tht hawt guy ur booooooooyfriend??
Clary: -deciphers what she's saying- Uh, no?
Random Girl, Hence Identified as Ebony Raven Dementia Way: Is he lyke, taaaaaaken? –twirling dyed black and pink hair around finger-
Clary: -attempts to identify this language- No?
Enoby Rayven Dememememetia Why: -brashly- Is he lyke, gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?
Clary: -pause to translate-
Ebnoby Ryvan Dalmatian Why Me: -looks, lyk, suspicious-
Clary: -finally realizes what she's saying-
Readers: A little slow on the uptake, aren't you, mortal fool?
Clary: -hisses into thin air- Don't call me that!
Benosiy Ryan Damnation Way To Be An Idiot: R U, lyk, speeking parseltongue? 'Cuz I can lyk, do tht tooooooooooooooooooo! –begins hissing-
Clary: -stares- No, I don't think he's gay. Why do you stretch your words out like that?
Ebnosey Sparrow Tarnation Way To Go Sport: Lyk whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
Simon: -RETURNS!-
Demented Simon Fangirls: SQUEE! –faint-
Readers: Simon has Demented Fangirls?
Author: -defensively- Maybe!
Readers: -are disturbed-
Edward Cullen: -bursts in- No one has Demented Fangirls but me!
Artemis Fowl: Me as well!
Draco Malfoy: Ditto!
Jacob Black: You may have more fangirls than me; leech, but I have your daughter!
Edward Cullen: -vampire screech- -attacks-
Jacob and Edward: -duel-
Everyone: -faints from the sheer hotness in the room-
Authoress: -is annoyed 'cause these darn fictional characters keep messing up the plot flow- -wipes them away like chalk on a blackboard-
ANDNOWTHEFEATUREPRESENTATION!
Everyone: -blinks- -returns to normal business-
Clary: Don't look now, but that girl is stark raving in love with you.
Simon: What? Really? A girl who actually thinks I'm cute? Wow! Who?
Clary: -points to What Ever The Friggen Bullfrog Her Name Is-
You-Know-Who: -smiles, showing fangs, and winks-
Simon: -gulps- -bemoans fate-
Eric: Yola my gwoovy peeps, we has a gnawly show fo' you! Dis is mah homieboy Woderick on da… whaddava dat's called, and I's Ehwic, Pwince of Dawkness!
Official Stupidity Translator: Hello, my friends, we have a superb performance for you. This is my companion Roderick on percussion and I'm Eric, Prince of Darkness.
Simon and Clary: Save us. –squinches down in seat-
Eric: I strike my godforsaken façade! Salaaming to the derriere of the Universe, I ceaselessly beseech my fructose fortuitous loins!
Simon and Clary: Ew. –try to go to happy place-
Simon: -yells over "poetry"- Clary, I need to talk to you! I want a girlfriend!
Clary: So? You're just my sidekick! You aren't supposed to have character!
Simon: -whimpers-
Clary: But I suppose I'll allow you to speak…Carry on, minion.
Simon: I want a girlfriend!
Santa: Sorry son, fresh out of those. What about a new model boyfriend?
-Alec appears, winks coquettishly-
Simon: Uh, no, I think I'll pass… -is disturbed-
-Alec disappears, pouting-
Clary: -blinks- And what am I to do about that?
Simon: -turns green and starts stuttering-
Clary: Speak up!
Simon: Well, you see, I really really really, well, that is to say, I kinda, uh, well, um…
Jace: -nearly pees himself laughing- -falls off couch- -becomes blurry around the edges-
Clary: -is wondering what was in the coffee-
Eric: Discombobulate the simulacrum my precious!
Clary: -winces-
Jace: -is evidently thinking the same thing- - gets up and saunters away-
Clary: -drools-
Jace: Stop watching my butt!
Clary: I'm not watching your butt!
Simon: Clary? Who are you talking to? Are you listening?
Clary: idk my bff jill! I'llberightbackbye!
Simon: -sob-
OOOOUUUUUUUTSIDE!
Jace: -slouches against the wall sexily-
Clary: -mouth drops open slightly before recovering herself- You CREEEEEEPER! Why are you stalking me?
Jace: -looks up lazily, seemingly unperturbed that a very short girl is screaming at him- Declarations of love, especially unrequited ones amuse me. Except when given by me. Than it's not very funny at all.
Clary: Huh?
Jace: -changes subject- Your friends' poetry is terrible.
Clary: Yeah, I know. When we get dragged to these things we always pretend we're actually teletubbies and sing along while making funny faces and dancing. –claps hand over mouth-
Jace: -grins scarily-
Clary: -changes subject- Did you actually pee your pants laughing?
Jace: -blanches- NO! I DIDN'T! Where did you get such a stupid idea? I mean, come on… That's ridiculous…
Clary: Well, your pants are kinda wet…
Jace: -sniffily- It's blood, for your information.
Clary: So you're having your period?
Jace: Argh! Forget it!
Clary: -laughs- Do you want to borrow a pair of jeans?
Jace: Um, that would be lovely. Thank you.
-sometime later-
Jace: -emerges from restroom wearing Clary's pants-
Jace: Are you sure they're supposed to be this tight? –tugs-
Skinny Jeans: -are tight, biatch!-
Clary: -holding back laughter- Yes, Jace, they're supposed to be that tight.
Jace: While this interlude has been amusing, I assume that it's time to return to the plot.
Clary: You're right, but you know what they say about assuming!
Jace: Can we please stay focused?
Clary: Ugh, fine, spoilsport.
Jace: I am not a spoilsport!
Clary: Focus, Jace! –sneers-
Jace: Right. Okay. It's your line.
Clary: Right. Why are you stalking me? I'll call the police!
Jace: -matter of factly- It's really hard to arrest invisible people.
Clary: Oh yeah? Have you ever tried?
Jace: No. But anyway. You can see me.
Clary: Uh, duh. It's not like I actually go around talking to invisible people a lot….
Jace: How fascinating. You look like a mundane. You act like a mundane. You even smell like a mundane.
Clary: Hey! And what do you smell like, then?
Jace: Iron, blood, sweat, soap, and limes, apparently.
Clary: Ew. That sounds gross together.
Jace: I know. I actually wear Clinique Happy.
Clary: -dead silence-
Jace: But moving on…
Clary: Right. So, mundane=human?
Jace: Very smart, mundie-girl.
Clary: Don't call me that! And aren't you human too? –bug eyes-
Jace: Technically, but I'm just awesomer than mundanes, that's why I'm a shadow hunter and you aren't.
Clary: I'm waiting for an explanation, and I imagine our readers are too.
Jace: No. Lemme see your hand.
Clary: If I do, will you leave me alone and than forget you promised to do that and come rescue me from a demon, thus beginning and long and beautiful relationship until we actually turn out to be brothers and sisters which is reeeeeally creepy?
Jace: Psh, yeah, like that'll happen.
Clary: Will you?
Jace: Uh…Sure?
Clary: -sticks out hand-
Jace: Curiouser and curiouser… –examines hand- You will meet a dark, mysterious stranger, hey! I bet that's me! Hmm, you will go on a voyage of self-discovery…When the results of that get back, let me know… and I will be smashed in the face with a cream pie?
Cream Pie: -splat-
Clary: -laughs-
Jace: -growls-
Cream Pie: -realizes that it will probably get crucio'd because it left Voldie's side- -scuttles back-
Jace: I should have known.
Readers: -nod sagely-
Jace: Anyway. You don't have a rune on your hand. I do. Look!
Clary: I zee nutting!
Jace: -eerily peacefully- Let it come to you… Let it rise to the surface of your mind like a cork pushed down too far… let it explode onto your conscience like Hiroshima….oh… explosions…. –head lolls back-
Clary: -slaps- Be serious!
Jace: -looks injured- I am! Just…. look.
Clary: -"just looks"- Ooh! I see it! Yay!
Jace: I'm a shadow hunter! I hunt demons and things that go bump in the night!
Clary: Like vampires and werewolves and mummies?
Jace: I only hunt mommies when they've been naughty. –leers-
Clary: Ew.
Jace: Sooooo, come on! Lets go! –bounces up and down-
Clary: Let's go where? –mutters- you creeper…
Jace: I'm taking you to the institute!
Clary: That sounds creepy.
Flock: -nods sagely-
Clary: What if I don't want to go?
Jace: Well…Too bad!
Clary: You said you'd leave me alone!
Jace: I liiiiiied….
Clary: Ooh, that'll get you on Santa's naughty list!
Jace: -shrugs- I hear Santa's all out of hot girls. All he's got is boyfriends.
Clary: -resolves to be good-
Cell Phone: -rings-
Jace: Feel free to answer that.
Clary: Thanks, Grand High Pooba.
Jace: Grand High Pooba, huh? Has a nice ring to it…
Clary: -rolls eyes- -answers phone-
Jocelyn: I'm in another scene! Score!
Clary: -blinks-
Jocelyn: Uh… Clary! Call the police! Don't come home! Go! Save yourself! –overacts dramatically-
Clary: What? Mom? What's wrong? –overacts-
Jocelyn: -eerily calm- I love you Clary.
Readers: -sob-
Clary: NOOOOOOOES!
Jace: Clary, what's going on?
Phone: -gets dropped-
Clary: DOUBLE NOOOOOOES!
Jace: Has something happened?
Clary: For someone so smart, you're awfully dumb.
Jace: Hey!
Clary: Gimme your phone! I need to call the police! –grabs-
Jace: That won't work, it's not a phone. Duh.
Phone: -is not actually a phone-
Sensor: -is a sensor- -NOT a phone-
Clary: But I need to call the police!
Jace: But why? Tell me, I can help!
Readers: Aw! –clasps hands together-
Clary: -slaps- -runs away-
Readers: -mumble- biatch.
Clary: I'm coming mommy! I, my unarmed and untrained self am leaving the competent, deadly fast Shadowhunter who'll know what's going on to bravely strike out by myself!
Jocelyn: Mortal fool!
Clary: Stop calling me that!
Jace: -stands on corner, deliberates, skips after her-
ENDENDENDENDENDNENENDA;DJFG;LAF;IO
So I got a little carried away with the dialogue. You know you love me... So prove it! Reeeeeview!
