Hey y'all, I apoligize for the long delay, but you see, I've found this amazing thing called Facebook... :D So here is an extra long chapter to make up for it.

References: Alice in Wonderland, Lolita, Spamalot, Dr. Laura, The Raven, Artemis Fowl... I think that's it. You know the drill. Spot the reference and get a super sneaky sneaky peeky!

I only own two cats, two dogs, and two siblings. (Luckily, I'm not romantically entangled with them...)

BEGINNINGOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!!!!!

Dave, Mrs. McClave and the Covenant!

Dr. Seuss: Did I ever tell you that Mrs. McClave

Had twenty-three sons and she named them all Dave?

Readers: No, you didn't. –blink-

Dr. Seuss: Well, she did. And that wasn't a smart thing to do.

You see, when she wants one and calls out, "Yoo-Hoo!

Come into the house, Dave!" she doesn't get ONE.

All twenty-three Daves of hers come on the run!

Readers: We can see how that might be inconvenient. But what does this have to do with the story?

Author: Just you wait!

Dr. Seuss: So poor old Mrs. McClave,

She made a deal with the devil that day.

In return for her soul for the devil to eat,

She gave all of her Daves to become demon meat.

But one of the Daves, said, "We shouldn't be eaten!

We must train, train, train to become unbeaten!

So they did. And all over the land, all of the Daves

Were trained to fight demons when they misbehaved.

Thus the shadowhunters were born, all sexy in black,

And this is what Readers can see, when Clary gets back.

WILDAPPLAUSEWILDAPPLAUSEWILDAPPLAUSE!

ENDOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!ENDOFCHAPTERGAGJOKE!

Alec: OMG, do you think she'll evah wake up? Like, evah?

Isabelle: Have patience, young grasshopper. All in good time.

Alec: Why are you like, talking like that?

Isabelle: The answers will come to you in time… For now, be patient. Your time will come.

Time: -passes!-

Clary: -dreams of Isabelle naked-

Readers: -raise eyebrows-

Clary: -has more really trippy and strangely prophetic dreams-

Readers: Well, if that's not bizarrely obvious, we don't know what is!

More Time: -passes!- -some more!- -time!- -passes!-

Alec: I TOLD you it was the same girl! I TOLD YOU SO! HA! In yo face! –does victory dance-

Isabelle: -sniffily- I never said it wasn't, I said it didn't look like the same one. I thought she was a pixie when I saw her. –pause- She isn't pretty enough to be a pixie though. –pause- Is she?

Alec: She's not nearly as ravishing as you! –bats eyelashes-

Readers: -pause- That is wrong in so many ways.

Isabelle: Thank you, brother dearest! –simpers- Speaking of ravishing, Jace said she killed that ravener!

Alec: -bug eyes- How?

Isabelle: He said she seduced it-

Alec: Kinky…

Isabelle: -to kill it.

Alec: Ah.

Isabelle: Mh hm.

Alec: Yeah.

Isabelle: You know it, biotch!

Readers: -blink-

Isabelle: -looks around- -blushes- -changes subject-

Isabelle: Heeeeeey Alec!

Alec: What?

Isabelle: Shall we subtly explain, foreshadow and use other noted literary techniques to inform the reader on what is taking place in the narrative?

Alec: That was awfully smart sounding… for a blonde.

Isabelle: -gets steamed- I TOLD you never to mention the Great Debacle of Eighth Grade ever again!

Alec: Haha, that was the best prank ever. Poor Jace, though. You really got him good for that.

Isabelle: NO ONE messes with my hair. No one. EVAH! –eyes burn- -no, literally-

Alec: -backs away slowly-

Readers: -feel slightly afraid-

Clary: -is still asleep-

Alec: -quavers- Isabelle?

Isabelle: WHAT?

Alec: -quivers- Are you okay? Maybe you should-

Isabelle: If you say 'calm down', I swear, you will get a third nostril.

Alec: -meeps-

Isabelle: -takes deep breaths-

Alec: -whispers- So how about that foreshadowing?

Isabelle: Okay. Fine. So, Alec, do you think Hodge will send for the Silent Brothers?

Alec: -sounding rehearsed- I hoooope not! They give me the creeeeeps! They muuuuuuuuutilate themselves!

Isabelle: -gives strange look- We mutilate ourselves.

Alec: We do? Ew! That's totally gross!

Isabelle: -doubts her brother's sanity-

Alec's Sanity: -feels doubted-

Isabelle: Speaking of doubting sanity, where's Jace? I thought they were madly in love!

Alec: Do you get the feeling that at the end of this book, they'll find out they're madly in love and also brother and sister?

Isabelle: That's as stupid as saying that you and me will get together!

Alec: Oh come on! That will never happen. For one thing-

Isabelle: Yes?

Alec: Never mind. –changes subject- Hey! She moved!

Isabelle: Really? I guess we should end our long conversation, also ending most of our parts for a bit.

Alec: C'mon, do we have to?

Isabelle: It is as the writer decrees it, young grasshopper.

Alec: Don't, like, call me that!

-Exeunt all but Clary-

Clary: -rips eyelids open-

Clary's Flesh: -tears with sucking noise-

Readers: -shudder fastidiously-

Clary: OH MY GOD AM I DEAD?

Readers: No, mortal fool.

Clary: Good, 'cause this is a lame kinda heaven.

Isabelle: I'm here, aren't I?

Clary: What would that make you, an angel?

Isabelle: No, god.

Clary: Oh. Really? 'Cause, like, I gotta ask you something-

Isabelle: -blinks- I'm not God, mortal fool.

Clary: Oh. –is confused-

Isabelle: Anyway, you stink, you're apparently naked under that sheet, and Jace burnt your clothes.

Clary: Please. Use little words and small sentences.

Isabelle: Okay. Drink this. Put this on. You smell. I don't like you.

Clary: Thanks.

Isabelle: I'm Isabelle. This is the Institute. We hunt demons. Mac and cheese is good-

Bottle: Drink ME! Drink ME!

Clary: -stares at bottle with mouth slightly open-

Isabelle: -rambles on- Red flannel is warmer than white. I'm going shopping next Thursday. My hair looks better down than up. To make soup, all you need is peanut butter, fish, olive oil and onions-

Clary: -drinks stuff in bottle-

Readers: -expect her to grow-

Clary: -doesn't grow

Isabelle: -shuts up-

Readers: Finally!

Clary: Oohoohoo! I feel better! I feel… happy! I'm not dead yet!

Isabelle: Well, you still smell. Go and clean up.

Clary: Yes ma'am. –salutes-

Isabelle: Wait! Come back! You killed a ravener?

Clary: -bursts into hysterical tears-

Isabelle: Oh no! It must have been a traumatic experience, killing your first demon. Poor thing!

Clary: -sobs harder-

Isabelle: Poor thing, poor thing… -cuddles-

Clary: -sniffs- -tragic heroine voice- I'm going to get cleaned up now… Um… -is naked under sheet apparently and wonders how she's going to get to the bathroom-

Isabelle: Okay, poor thing, the bathroom's in there. Here are some clothes for you.

Clary: Thanks. –cleans up-

Isabelle: My clothes look reallyreallyreallyreally stupid on you.

Clary: That they do. Anyhoodles…

Isabelle: Soooo….

Clary: What now?

Isabelle: Now the Author has to remember what comes next in the scene and dig out her book from all the stuff on her desk.

Clary: -looks in awe- How do you know?

Isabelle: -nods- It's written on the teleprompter.

Clary: -feels stupid-

-some time passes-

Clary and Isabelle: -feel awkward-

Author: NOOOOOES!!! I forgot the awesome stuff!

-REWIND!-

Isabelle: Jace burned your clothes, by the way. –looks confused-

Clary: -has major déjà vu- He did? Tell me, is he always this rude or does he save it for me, prompting a hot love/hate relationship?

Isabelle: Oh no, he's rude to everyone. That's what makes him so damn sexy.

Clary: -wonders about the themes of incest that seem common- Aren't you guys brother and sister?

Isabelle: Nah, what made you think that? We don't look alike at all.

Clary: -ponders- You aren't shacking up with him, are you?

Dr. Laura: SHACKING UP IS BAD!

Isabelle: -chokes on milk she's not drinking for dramatic effect- No, mortal fool. That would be weird.

Clary: Where are his parents?

Isabelle: You're determined to ask awkward questions, aren't you? And they're dead.

Clary: -is insensitive and clueless- How did they die?

Isabelle: Who says they're dead?

Clary: You did. Just now.

Isabelle: Oh. So I did. Anyway, shall we move the plot on, now?

Clary: Sounds good. Lemme get cleaned up.

Isabelle: -déjà vu-

Clary: -déjà vu-

-Collective Blink-

Clary: In utter stupidity, I think I'll go wander the possibly dangerous corridors in search of Edward Cullen.

Readers: Well, as much as a quest for Edward Cullen is a toothsome idea, wandering strange corridors is probably not the best idea. Fool.

Clary: -disregards good advice- -not for the first time- -hears piano playing- Oh my Carlisle, it's him!

Readers: Wow, really????? COOL!

Clary: -follows piano playing like a bloodhound to a scent-

Jace: -sits at piano barefoot with bed hair-

Readers: Wait, I could have sworn… That's not Edward Cullen!

Clary: -dreamily- No, better.

Jace: Thanks. I know.

Author: Wait! You don't notice her yet! Just keep playing sexily!

Clary: There's something so sexy about piano players…

Jace: I know there is. I find myself irresistibly attracted to myself sometimes.

Clary: -makes mental note to learn piano-

Author: Grr. Jace, you can hear a noise now.

Jace: -dramatically, swiveling around- Alec? Is that you coming for our top-secret tryst?

Readers: What?

Clary: -still dazed- Wha?

Author: That's not in the script, fool!

Jace: I know. I just wanted to shake things up a bit.

Alec: -from wherever he is- -sobs-

Jace: Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Who kissed you awake?

Clary: You can, if you want.

Jace: Nah. That comes later.

Clary: Oh. –tries not to look depressed-

Author: Argh! Whhyyyyyyy do these creatures deviate from the script? Whyyyyy?

Readers: -murmur sympathetically-

Jace: -stands up- Come on. I'll take you to Hodge.

SCENE CHANGE!

Jace: Instead of making the Author think up a better or stupider way of rewriting this scene which is pretty much an information dump and foreshadowing and character fleshing out, I can deliver the same information in a short and easy to read format!

Author: -stretches tired fingers- Sounds good.

Jace: Okay. Institute = Research. Residential. Lots of bedrooms. –wiggles eyebrows- Alec + Isabelle + Max (filler charrie!) = Siblings. Home Country of Shadowhunters = Idris. Idris = Impenetrable by mundanes. Jace=grew up in Idris. Shadowhunters=Fighters of Demons that live all over the world where they're needed. I have everything I need. Really. Everything I need plus a blue cat.

Clary: -nods- A blue cat is everything one needs in life.

Jace: Are you mocking me?

Clary: Uh, no?

Jace: Okay….

Clary: Ooooooooooooh a LIBRARY! I suddenly reveal that I actually love to read even though that's never been mentioned before! Yay!

Hodge: Ahhhhh, a book lover, I see? –peers into Clary's eyes-

Clary: Creeper.

Hodge: How beautiful you are, my dear.

Clary: Pedophilic creeper.

Hodge: Would you be interested in going on a cross country tour of America???

Hugo: Nevermore. –smirks dryly- -as much as a raven can smirk-

Clary: AGH! Humbert Humbert! Noooooes! Save me, Jace! –leaps behind Jace-

Hodge: My dear girl, calm yourself. I have no intention of making off with you. –adds to himself- Yet.

Clary: Okay. Good. Wait, what?

Hodge: Nothing… nothing…. Anyhoodles, my name is Hodge Starkweather.

Readers: -feel their names are painfully short and ordinary compared to Clary Fray, Isabelle Lightwood, Jace Wayland, Valentine Morgenstern, Hodge Starkweather….-

Clary: I'm Clary Fray.

Hodge: I hear you killed a demon. With your bare hands!

Clary: -sobs- But- but- but-

Hodge: No buts, it was a great thing to do.

Alec: -appears from no where- Yeah right….

Hodge: Huh?

Alec: C'mon, you actually think she killed a demon with her bare hands? That's ridiculous! She's so midgety!

Clary: Hey!

Jace: You can't deny it.

Clary: Watch me! –denies- I am not actually four foot five!

Jace: -whips out measuring tape-

Measuring Tape: You, m'dear, are exactly four feet, five inches.

Jace: -laughs-

Clary: -steams-

Alec: Hello? Pay attention to me please!

Clary: Why? You're just going to insult me!

Alec: True. True….true…-ponders-

Clary: Ohemgee, you look just like Isabelle! Wow!

Alec: You try going around looking just like your little sister. It's enough to drive you mad!

Clary: Jace, which one do you think is shmexier, Alec or Isabelle?

Jace: I'm even not going to dignify that with a reply.

Clary: Haha, you just did! Neehee!

Jace: -sniffs-

Hodge: Can we please stay on topic for once?

Jace: How would you know if we never stay on topic? This is your first scene!

Hodge: I've been spying on you. While you're in the shower.

Jace: EEK! EW! NO!!!!!!

Clary: EEK! EW!! NO!!!!

Alec: So that's who's been messing up my camera! Oops…

Everyone: -stares-

Clary: Let's pretend this never happened, okay?

Everyone: -nods faintly-

Clary: It's your line, Alec.

Alec: Okay. Wait, what am I saying?

Clary: -patiently- (a) Insult me, (b) Moon after Jace, (c) Insinuate that I'm a big fat liar, and/or (d) be snotty.

Alec: I'll take all of the above for one million dollars, Clary.

Clary: You can do that?

Alec: Watch me. –clears throat- Clary, you furry freak, you aren't worthy of Jace like I am. You're a big fat liar and I don't have to talk to you. –sniffs-

Clary: Wow, that was good.

Alec: I know, right?

Clary: Too good. Die, biatch!

-fight-

Jace: -yanks them apart- No one gets to make snotty remarks and fight except me. So stop it.

Hodge: -clears throat- Ahem, shall we get back on topic?

Clary: -glares daggers at Alex- Yes, lets.

Jace: Okay. Hodge, I hope you don't mind, but I risked Clary's life on this gamble I had, like, she would have died, and so I like, put a rune on her-

Hodge: You WHAT??? Fool! Haven't you learned anything from the last time you tried that? Egads!

Clary: Last time?

Jace: Long story. I'm sorry Hodgey Podgey, it won't happen again. Please forgive me? Pretty please with demon eyeballs in marrow glaze on top? –bats eyelashes-

Hodge: Fine. You're forgiven. She doesn't really matter anyway.

Clary: Hey!

Jace: You must be a shadowhunter!

Clary: I'm not!

Jace: Ooooh yes you are! Yes you are my little splooge muffin! Yes you are!

Clary: Creeeeper….

Jace: Yeah, sorry. But the point is, you've got to be a shadow hunter! It's impossible you aren't! Do you know anyone who knows if you're a shadowhunter?

Clary: Oh yeah, Luke! He must be worried! I must call him!

-calls Luke-

Clary: Hello? Luke!

Luke: I don't love you anymore. Go away. Don't contact me again.

Clary: -sob- You meany butt! –hangs up-

Phone: Well, that was mighty rudeydudey!

Readers: True dat. –start to wonder if Luke is bipolar- -contemplate giving him chocolate, 'cause hey! it worked for Remus Lupin!-

Luke: -from wherever he is- -pricks up wolfy ears at mention of chocolate-

Clary: Never let anyone see you cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry- -cries-

Jace: Haha, you big baby… neehee!

Clary: -slaps-

Jace: Owwie! Me and Alec go play in weapon room now, like big boys!

Alec: -stunned delight-

Jace: Did you bring Shadowhunter!Barbie? –eager-

Alec: -abject despair- No, only Silent Brother Ken.

Jace: Oh well. We can make dresses for them out of dagger sheaths!

Alec: Yeah. :.( -sad face-

Alec and Jace: -LEAVE CLARY TO PEDOPHILIAC CREEPER!-

Hodge: Sit down my dear, and tell me about it.

Clary: Well, in the last few days, I've been seeing things that aren't there, my mother's disappeared, I killed a drag queen demon with lavender silk and milk and –starts cackling maniacally- that hot shadowhunter is actually my brother and I'm soon to be the victim of a complex and slightly confusing series of events that will devastate, decimate and delineate my fragile self!

Hodge: I'm so glad you feel that way. Here's a complicated explanation that is sure to make you feel better by taking your mind off what's wrong with your life to try and comprehend my garbled clarification!

Clary: Claryfication. Ha.

Hodge: Once upon a time-

Clary: I thought this was an explanation!

Hodge: It is. Let me get to the good part.

Clary: Does this involve Jace in a bikini doing interpretive dance with a leprechaun?

Hodge: Why would you think that?

Clary: 'Cause they're standing outside the door practicing?

Hodge: Ah. Well, indeed, they are going to, ah, perform a creative illustration of the text.

-outside-

Holly Short: -adjusts squirrel costume- I can't believe you got me into this.

SORRYSORRYSORRY!

Sorry to leave you with a cliff-hanger, but, uh, after writing fourteen pages of pure genius, (if I do say so myself...) I unfortunately have misplaced my muse. Please leave ideas, and BTW, I like it when you tell me what you like. -winks-