Okay, I'm back. Sorry this took so long, but I've been busy. There's been Christmas, New Years', and a lot of other stuff. Also, I've had to skim the book, just to make sure I'm getting the story right. But I'm just glad to finally have the first act done. I hope you enjoy it.


Act 1

Scene 2: Morning breaks over the bloody battlefield.

[Malcolm and Donalbain enter, both carrying lightsabers. Lennox enters with them.]

Shakespeare: Star Wars. Why is it always freaking Star Wars? Do I look like bloody George Lucas?

Malcolm: That was sweet! You' the man!

Donalbain: Me? Dude, I'm not the one who held off 23 battle droids while saving my wounded comrade.

Lennox: You've done well, my young padawans. But be mindful of your feelings. A little ego can turn into arrogance, and that can lead to the dark side of the force.

[Malcolm and Donalbain nod.]

Donalbain: But you have to admit, what Malcolm did back there was really cool.

Lennox: [smiling] Indeed, it was.

[Lennox turns to something at stage left.]

Now, excuse me, boys. The king approaches.

[Malcolm and Donalbain exit. King Duncan enters with attendants.]

Duncan: [acting very high maintenance] Good heavens! What happened here? Was there a hurricane last night?

Lennox: Your Majesty?

Duncan: [turning to Lennox] Lennox, my good friend, what happened? Was there a battle last night?

Lennox: Actually, there was. Come, I need you to see someone.

Duncan: It's not another one of your weird family members, is it?

Lennox: No, it's…wait, what's wrong with my family?

Duncan: Oh, nothing!

[turning to 1st attendant] Shade, please!

[1st attendant pulls out an umbrella to shade Duncan.]

[turning to 2nd attendant] Popcorn!

[2nd attendant hands Duncan box of popcorn with extra butter and salt.]

Duncan: [stuffing his mouth with popcorn] Let's go talk to your friend.

Lennox: [rolling his eyes] Aye, sir.

[At stage right, a badly, wounded man enters.]

Duncan: Eeeww! What happened to this loser?

Lennox: [annoyed] This is one of my captains, and my friend.

Duncan: Oh, forget that 'loser' crack.

Lennox: He will tell you what happened last night.

Captain: [talking like priest from Princess Bride] My low'd!

Duncan: [staring nervously at the Captain] Why can't you just tell me, Lennox?

Lennox: It's in the script, sir.

[Duncan sighs, then turns back to the Captain.]

Duncan: Alright, go ahead.

Captain: It wath' a mighty battle! We wew'e attacked by Now'way from the now'th. We wew'e pw'epaw'ed to w'eth'ith't him, but then, the w'ebelliouth' Low'd Macdonwald attacked with hith' dw'oid aw'my. We then leaw'ned that they wew'e both ath'ith'ted by the tw'aitow'outh' Thane of Cawdor. It th'eemed all wath' loth't, until the bw'ave Macbeth and Banquo came to ouw' w'eth'cue. They fought like two lionth', fiew'th'ely and couw'ageouth'ly. They killed Macdonwald in battle, and fow'th'ed Now'way to th'uw'endew'. Oh, it wath' a gw'eat battle! Th'o then-,"

Duncan: Bottom line, did we win?

Captain: [nodding] Yeth', my low'd.

Duncan: Good.

[turning to Lennox] Get him cleaned up.

Captain: [bowing, gratefully] Thank you, my low'd!

[Captain is carried offstage for treatment.]

Shakespeare: Note to self: raise the bar on casting requirements.

Duncan: Has the Thane of Cawdor been dealt with?

Lennox: Yes, sir. He's been arrested by my friends, Ross and Angus.

[Ross and Angus enter.]

Angus: I love the smell of napalm in the morning!

Ross: Wrong story. This is Shakespeare.

Angus: Oh, uh…To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether it is nobler…

Ross: Again, wrong story. Just let me do all the talking.

Duncan: Ah, Ross and Angus. I heard about your capture of the traitorous Thane of Cawdor. Where is he?

Ross: He's locked up backstage, and waiting for his trial.

Duncan: Hang him.

Ross: But sir, without a trial?

Duncan: I'm the king! Whatever I say must be done!

Ross: [rolling his eyes] Aye, sir. But a new Thane of Cawdor must be appointed.

Duncan: Very well. Let's go to the Big Wheel.

[A large wheel, similar to Wheel of Fortune, appears on stage. All the nobles names are on it.]

Lennox, will you do the honors?

Lennox: [sighs] Sure.

[Lennox spins the Big Wheel. It spins and stops on Macbeth. There are lights and whistles.]

Duncan: Ah, yes. Macbeth. A fine choice. Ross, Angus, go find Macbeth and tell him he's been promoted to Thane of Cawdor. In fact, invite him and Banquo to a banquet at the castle. We'll give him the new title there.

Ross: Aye, sir. [Ross exits.]

Angus: Your majesty, give me a call sometime and we'll go deer hunting together. [He high-fives the king and exits.]

Duncan: And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a manicure at ten.

[Duncan, Lennox and attendants exit.]


Scene 3: Thunder. Out on the heath, the witches enter.

Susan: [to Lacey] Where hast thou been, sister?

Lacey: Well, first, I went and got a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Then, I did some shopping over at the galleria. I found two new dresses and the cutest pair of heels. Then, I got a manicure, met my mom for lunch and came back here just in time for the show.

Susan: Uh-huh. [to Greta] And where hast thou been?

Greta: Killing swine.

[Lacey grimaces in disgust.]

Lacey: Geez, no wonder you don't have a boyfriend.

[Greta's eyes narrow, her fists ball in rage, and her face turns red.]

Greta: That's it! [She lunges at Lacey. The two go down on the floor, kicking, screaming, clawing and swinging. Backstage, Shakespeare beats his head against the wall. After a few minutes, Susan intervenes, angrily.]

Susan: SHUT UP! [thunder claps] Both of you! [She stands them up and pulls them apart.]

Lacey: She started it.

Susan: I don't care who started it! I'm ending it right now! [She points to her left.] Lacey. You. Right here. Now. [Lacey steps into place.] Greta. Right here. [Greta steps to Susan's right.]

Susan: [looking at both] And never the two shall meet! Now, one more outburst like that, and I will end this play right now, is that understood?

[Both Lacey and Greta nod in fear.]

Susan: Good! Let's continue.

Shakespeare: [grateful, muttering to himself] Thank you.

[Macbeth and Banquo enter.]

Macbeth: How 'bout this weather?

Banquo: I know, they keep calling for sunshine, but it's been raining for almost a week.

Macbeth: Well, when was the last time you saw sunshine after a battle, it's almost like a law of the univ-

[Suddenly, they see the witches. They're especially spooked by Greta.]

Macbeth: [drawing his sword] What manner of freaks are these?

Greta: [clearly agitated] You did NOT just call me a freak!

[She starts to ball her fists, but Susan stops her.]

Greta: Sorry.

Susan: It is alright, good sirs, we are three sisters who come with a message for both of you.

Macbeth: [puts away his sword] A message? Like a singing telegram? Wow, I haven't seen one of them in years.

Susan: [confused by the last statement] Uh, sure, why not? Lacey, you're up.

Lacey: [steps up and does a cheer] All hail, Macbeth! All hail to thee! Thane of Glamis, as you can see!

Thane of Glamis, but so much more. All hail, Macbeth! Thane of Cawdor!

But soon another tune we'll sing. All hail, Macbeth! All hail the King!

[The audience applauds. Lacey takes a bow. Greta chuckles. Shakespeare is stunned. Macbeth is speechless.]

Susan: Uh, anyway, Banquo, we have good news for you, too. Greta, take it away.

Greta: [steps up] I'm not going into a cheer routine like her, but here it is: Banquo, lesser than Macbeth thou shalt be, yet greater. Not as happy, yet happier.

Banquo: Uh, I'm not sure I quite understand. Is this some sort of riddle?

Greta: [groans] Look, the point is, you'll never be a king like Macbeth. However, your son and grandsons for the next six generations will all be kings. Oh, and in the seventh generation, your great-great-great granddaughter will be a queen, so there.

[Macbeth and Banquo quietly discuss all this for a minute, and then turn back to the witches.]

Macbeth: This is all very interesting, but there are still some things I don't quite understand, like when is this all supposed to happen? How is this all going to happen? Won't I have any male successors? And how am I going to replace the Thane of Cawdor, when he's alive and well? How do you answer that one, ladies? Huh, huh, huh?

[Just then, the witches are beamed off set by a 'Star Trek' style teleporter.]

Shakespeare: [offstage, to Pete the props manager] What the heck are you doing?

Pete: Sorry, my finger slipped. But you gotta admit, for an accident, it looks pretty cool.

Shakespeare: Shut up, Pete. Just do your job.

Banquo: [shocked] What manner of sorcery is that?

Macbeth: I don't know. But I want one.

Ross: [offstage] Macbeth, Banquo, where art thou?

[Ross and Angus enter.]

Ross: Ah, there you both are.

Angus: Where have you two been? We've been lookin' for you everywhere.

Ross: Indeed, the king has requested your presence at a banquet in your honor.

Angus: And I'm bringing potatoes, so come hungry, and leave happy!

Ross: Anyway, at the banquet, the king wishes to grant the title of Thane of Cawdor upon Macbeth.

[Macbeth is shocked. He glances at the spot where the witches stood and then back at Ross and Angus.]

Macbeth: Do you know three girls who dress like witches. One wears nothing but black, and one dresses and acts like a cheerleader?

[A moment of quiet. Ross thinks Macbeth may be crazy.]

Ross: Maybe we should drive.

[All exit.]


Scene 4: Iverness, Macbeth's castle. Lady Macbeth enters, reading a letter.

Lady Macbeth: [reading]…and then, the cheerleader told me that I would soon be the new Thane of Cawdor, and then, that I would be king of Scotland. Then, the creepy girl dressed in black told Banquo that his descendents would all be great rulers of Scotland. I tried to ask them about when this all would happen, they teleported out. Just then, Ross and Angus show up and tell me that the king wants to see me at a banquet, where he would bestow on me the title of Thane of Cawdor. By the way, Angus brought potatoes, so if my breath stinks later, I apologize in advance. Alas, I must run. Wear something nice for when the king comes to visit. I shall see you soon, my dear.

[turning back to the audience]

So, from Glamis to Cawdor. and from Cawdor to the rulers of Scotland. We're moving up in the world! Wah-hoo!

[She dances around excitedly, then screeches to a halt.]

No, wait. It's probably never going to happen. Duncan is as healthy as a horse and has two sons who will succeed him if he dies. So the only way my husband will become king of Scotland is if Duncan and his sons are all removed from the picture. And as much as I love my husband, he doesn't have it in him to kill somebody in cold blood.

[She thinks for a moment…]

Maybe I could say something to him. Something to motivate him. I'm sure he wants the prophecy to come true as much as I do.

[…then turns back to the audience.]

Don't look at me like that. I know this may all sound evil, but there's no room in this world for 'nice people'. Like my father always said, "Nice guys finish last," "Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind," "You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs," "Sometimes, in order to get ahead, you have to step on a few toes." Yes, my father taught me ever cliché in the book, and I live by them.

[As she speaks, a messenger sneaks up from behind her.]

Messenger: Uh, milady?

Lady Macbeth: AAAAHHHH!

[A spooked Lady Macbeth catches her breath, then turns to the messenger.]

Lady Macbeth: How many times have I told you never to sneak up on me?

Messenger: I'm sorry, milady.

Lady Macbeth: Alright, what is your tidings?

Messenger: The King comes here tonight.

[Lady Macbeth stares at him blankly for a moment.]

Lady Macbeth: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Messenger: Milady?

Lady Macbeth: I just got a note from my husband saying that the king was coming tonight. So what was the point of you sneaking up on me just to tell me the exact same thing?

Messenger: It was in the script.

Lady Macbeth: [rolling her eyes] Don't you have anything better to be doing?

Messenger: [slightly annoyed] Well, I have a friend who's exhausted after the long trek up here.

Lady Macbeth: Fine, go tend to him.

Messenger: Thank you.

[Messenger starts to leave.]

Lady Macbeth: Wait, what does the word 'teleport' mean?

[Messenger thinks, then replies…]

Messenger: I'll look into it, milady.

[He exits.]

Lady Macbeth: [turning back to the audience] Now, as I was saying…

[Just then, she's distracted by a voice offstage.]

TV Announcer: And now, back to the Home Shopping Network.

Lady Macbeth: [ecstatic] Ooh! HSN is back! Yay!

[She exits, very quickly.]


Scene 5: Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Banquo, Lennox, Macduff, Ross, Angus and the king's attendants gather outside of Macbeth's castle.

Duncan: [excited] This castle has a pleasant seat. The air nimbly and sweetly recommends itself unto our senses.

Banquo: Indeed, even the guest of summer, the temple-haunting martlet, does approve.

Lennox: You know, martlet are said to bring good luck.

Angus: Are they any good for hunting?

[Everyone turns and stares at Angus in shock.]

Angus: What?

Ross: Don't embarrass me, Angus.

Donalbain: Too late.

[Castle doors open and Lady Macbeth enters.]

Lady Macbeth: Welcome, my lords. What a pleasure it is to have you all here at our humble home. And King Duncan, it's an honor. We've been looking forward to your visit. Please, come in.

[All enter. Macduff notices Lady Macbeth's celtic pendant.]

Macduff: I love your pendant. Did you get that off the Home Shopping Network?

Lady Macbeth: Indeed, I did.

[As he enters, Duncan gives Lady Macbeth a slap on the butt. She is insulted, but he ignores her.]

Duncan: So, where is your husband? Where is the new Thane of Cawdor?

Lady Macbeth: Well, your majesty, like all you servants, he has to keep busy. But I'm sure he will be with us shortly. In the meantime, why don't we all going into the Great Hall? Dinner is about to be served. And I understand that most of you will be spending the night, so we have had rooms prepared for each of you.

Duncan: How thoughtful, milady.

[turning to the others]

Alright, let's eat!

[The others agree and follow him offstage. Lady Macbeth stays, and Macbeth enters.]

Macbeth: [nervous] Dear, are you sure about this? This is…huge. As in an act of treason.

Lady Macbeth: Do you want the prophecy to come true or not?

Macbeth: Well, of course, I do, but you're asking me to kill our friend and master. I know he can be a bit whiny, but he's never done any wrong.

Lady Macbeth: You're being too nice. Remember what I told you about nice people?

Macbeth: Yes, unfortunately. 'Nice guys finish last."

Lady Macbeth: If it helps, the king slapped me on the butt as he came in tonight. Don't you think you should defend my honor?

Macbeth: You want me to kill the guy just because he copped a feel?

[Lady Macbeth glares at him.]

Alright, fine. I'll do it, but later. Right now, let's go have dinner with our friends.

[They exit.]


Scene 6: After hours. The stage and theater lights are dimmed. It's almost completely silent There are only a few small lights up on the stage, giving the theater a creepy, haunted feeling. Macbeth enters, carrying a small candle.

Macbeth: What have I gotten myself into? I don't think I can do this?

[Macbeth moves to center stage and begins reciting the scripted soliloquy.]

If it were done when 'tis, then 'twere well it were done quickly. He's here in double trust: First, I am his kinsman, his subject and his host, who against his murderer shut the door, not bear the knife myself. Besides, this Duncan has borne his facilities so meek, he's been so clear in his great office that his virtues will plead like angels, trumpet-tongued against the deep damnation of his taking-off-

[Suddenly, a glow-in-the-dark skeleton prop drops from the ceiling and spooks the entire audience.]

Macbeth: AAAAAHHHHH!

[Everyone looks up at Pete.]

Pete: Sorry, my bad! That's the actual skeleton from the House on Haunted Hill.

Macbeth: [to Pete] What all do you have back there?

Pete: Lots of stuff. I'll show you sometime.

[Pete cranks the skeleton up off the stage. Just then, Lady Macbeth enters.]

Lady Macbeth: What goes on here?

[Before Macbeth can answer, she states…]

You still haven't done it, have you? Dear, do you even want to be king of Scotland?

Macbeth: I'm Thane of Cawdor. Isn't that enough?

Lady Macbeth: Is it enough for you?

Macbeth: [nods] Yes.

Lady Macbeth: [rolls her eyes] Well, it's not enough for me. Now let's go!

Macbeth: But what if they suspect us?

Lady Macbeth: [thinks for a second] I'll come up with a plan to pin this all on the bodyguards.

Macbeth: You'd do that for me? Honey, you're the best.

Lady Macbeth: I know. But you're taking me to Paris after our coronation. Now, come on. We're wasting time and we have a king to kill.

[Both exit.]


Please read and review. If you need a little help understanding the Captain, just let me know.