Happy Easter! Act 2 is finally up. Sorry, I meant to have this out last month. But anyway, please read, review and enjoy.


Act 2

Scene 1: Castle Iverness, just before midnight. [yawn]

[Banquo enters, carrying a torch. He's followed by Fleance, who rides in on his skateboard.]

Fleance: So Dad, I'm really going be a king of Scotland?

Banquo: That's what was foretold.

[Just then, a critic stands up in the audience.]

Critic: Hey, wait a minute! When did the son get here?

[Backstage, Shakespeare speaks into a walkie-talkie.]

Shakespeare: Zap him!

Critic: He wasn't with the party that came to the castle! We're talking about some serious continuity err-ARGH!

[The critic continues to rant, until he's tazered by an usher.]

Usher: [into walkie-talkie] All clear, sir.

Shakespeare: Good, let's continue.

Banquo: Do you think you can handle all this?

Fleance: Dad, you know this was never my thing. I was always more into extreme sports.

[But Fleance doesn't want to disappoint his father.]

But, hey, I'll do the best I can. Have I ever let you down, Dad?

Banquo: [smiling] No, you haven't.

[Banquo and Fleance do a man-hug.]

Fleance: Elizabeth (Fleance's girlfriend) is gonna love this!

[Just then, a figure enters from stage right.]

Banquo: [draws his sword] Halt, who goes there?

[Banquo charges at the figure.]

Macbeth: Wait! It's me!

[Macbeth enters, looking lost, nervous and paranoid.]

Banquo: Macbeth?

Macbeth: [sarcastic] No, it's George W. Bush!

Banquo: What art thou still doing up?

Macbeth: Uh, I couldn't sleep. I was headed to the kitchen for some warm milk.

Banquo: [nodding] I see.

Fleance: Oh, by the way, Mr. Mac, congratulations on making Thane of Cawdor. That's quite an honor. Dad was just telling me about the witches' prophecy. But how are you gonna make it all the way to King of Scotland?

[Macbeth looks more nervous now than ever.]

Macbeth: I-I-I try not to think about it too much. It makes my head hurt. I just assume that all will be revealed when the time is right.

Fleance: Okay, that's cool.

[The clock strikes twelve. Night watchman enters shouts out the time.]

Watchman: Twelve o'clock and all's well.

Fleance: [looking towards the watchman] I know that voice! Sammy, is that you, man?

Watchman: You bet, it is!

Fleance: How'd you get into this play?

Watchman: Last minute casting. It was a small part, but whatever you can get, right?

Macbeth: I'll just let you two go.

Banquo: Are you sure you're okay?

Macbeth: Yeah, I'll just get that warm milk, and I'll be fine.

Banquo: Okay, well, good night.

Macbeth: Good night.

[As Banquo and Fleance exit, a ghostly dagger appears before Macbeth.]

Macbeth: Is this a dagger, which I see before me, the handle toward my hand?

[The dagger, one of Pete's R/C puppets, begins to talk.]

Dagger: Yes, yes I am.

[Macbeth freaks. The audience jumps in shock.]

Shakespeare: What the #$%!

Macbeth: What manner of sorcery is this?

Dagger: Oh, no sorcery. I'm just a hallucination brought on by too much stress. And sir, you have every right to be stressed right now.

[Macbeth sits and sighs.]

Macbeth: I don't think I can do this. I'm a trusted servant of the king. And this would be an act of treason.

Dagger: I know, but it's already been prophesied. You've gotta go through with it. And just think, once you're the king, there won't be anybody to accuse you.

[Macbeth looks at the dagger, then stands and smiles.]

Macbeth: You're right. But I still feel nervous.

Dagger: I know. They say the first is always the hardest.

[Macbeth nods, and then looks at the dagger, suspiciously.]

Macbeth: Are you saying there'll be more killings after this?

Dagger: I never said that. Now c'mon. Unless you'd rather get some warm milk, and call it a night.

[Feeling a surge of confidence. Macbeth takes his own dagger and follows the ghostly dagger to the king's bed chamber.]


Scene 2: Lady Macbeth stands outside the king's bedchamber, drugging the guards.

Lady Macbeth: That which hath made them drunk hath made me bold; what hath quenched them given me fire. Hark! Peace!

[She makes a peace sign.]

It was the owl that shrieked, the fatal bellman, which gives the sternest good night. He is about it. The doors are open, and the surfeited grooms…Okay, seriously, who talks like this?

[Backstage, Shakespeare beats his head against the wall.]

I'm serious, I'm just rambling on. I have no idea what half this stuff even means. And I…

Macbeth: Shhh! Keep your voice down!

[Macbeth enters. His face is pale and he is shaking all over.]

Lady Macbeth: [sighs] You still couldn't do it, could you? Do I have to do…

Macbeth: It's done.

Lady Macbeth: What?

Macbeth: It's done. The king is dead.

[Excitedly, Lady Macbeth hugs and kisses her husband.]

Lady Macbeth: I knew you could do it. And just think, this time tomorrow, we'll be more than just nobles, we'll be royals. Are you okay?

Macbeth: Yeah, I'll be fine. Could you just do me one thing?

Lady Macbeth: Sure, what?

[Macbeth holds up the bloody dagger, still clenched in his hand.]

Macbeth: Could you pry the dagger out of my hand?

Lady Macbeth: [shocked] You brought the dagger back with you?! Are you crazy?

Macbeth: Woman, I just killed the king of Scotland, a man I consider to be my friend. Don't call me crazy!

Lady Macbeth: Take it back, now!

Macbeth: Can't take it back. Too scary. Too gross. Too disgusting. It's like a slasher movie back there.

Lady Macbeth: Fine. Apparently, it's up to me again. Give me the dagger.

[She tries to take the dagger from Macbeth, but his hand is clenching it too tight.]

Lady Macbeth: Dear, let go!

Macbeth: Can't let go!

[For five hilarious minutes, Lady Macbeth tries to wrestle the dagger from her husband's terrified, iron grip. She finally gets it.]

Lady Macbeth: I'll put this back at the crime scene, where it belongs. You, go and wash your hands.

Macbeth: Okay, but can I borrow some of your hand sanitizer?

Lady Macbeth: Why?

Macbeth: It's gonna take more than just water to clean this mess. I'm gonna need soap, hand sanitizer, turpentine…

Shakespeare: Hey, the line is, "will all the water in Neptune's ocean wash this blood from my hands?"

Macbeth: [losing it] Listen, I'm a little on the edge here! Don't order me around!

[Shakespeare just pounds his head in frustration. Lady Macbeth exits. As Macbeth exits, he's spooked by a sudden knock that echoes throughout the castle. He cowers and exits.]


Scene 3: Castle gate. The Porter sits in front of the castle door, eating a pizza and watching a baseball game. As he hears the knocks at the door, he pretends he's the doorman at a big Hollywood gala.

Porter: Here's a knocking indeed.

[knock]

Knock, knock! Who's there? The Orioles are actually up by 5 runs, so this had better be important. Oh, hello, Mr. Trump! What's that? I'm fired? Aw, you're such a kidder. What's this, a hundred dollar tip? Whoa! Thank you, sir! Go on in, have a good time.

[knock]

Knock, knock! Who is it? Why, it's the Victoria's Secret Angels! Come on in, ladies. Don't be shy. Go on in. Have a good time. And Karolina, call me, babe!

[knock]

Knock, knock! Who's out there? Oh, hey! It's Tony Hawk! Wazzup, man! Hey, we gotta get together sometime, I got some moves I think you might like and…hey, wait. Oh, well, have fun.

[knock, and more demanding this time.]

Alright, I'm coming!

[Macduff and Lennox enter.]

Porter: Either it's very late, or it's very early, gentlemen. What can I do for you?

Macduff: We need to speak to the king immediately.

Porter: The king is asleep. He won't wake up until someone says the word, 'breakfast.'

Macduff: This is important. It concerns his safety.

Lennox: I felt a disturbance in the force. I fear the king's life may be in danger.

Porter: Oh, come on. The O's are actually winning. How often does that happen?

Lennox: You can watch it tomorrow on SportsCenter. Now, go and wake the king!

Porter: Fine, I'll go tell the king breakfast is ready.

[Porter exits.]

Macduff: The only way to get anything done around here is to complain until your fists hurt and you're blue in the face.

[Offstage, the porter screams. He runs back onstage.]

Porter: [panting] Oh my goodness!

Macduff: What? What is it?

Porter: [panting] It's…it's the…it's the king!

Lennox: What about the king?

Porter: [still panting] He's…he's expired, sir!

Macduff: He's what?

Porter: He just left! He's kicked the bucket! He's gone to join the choir invisible.

Macduff: Honestly, you're not making any sense.

Porter: The king is no more! He has ceased to be! There is an ex-king in that room!

Lennox: I think he means that the king is dead.

Macduff: Then why didn't the say that in the first place.

[Porter throws his hands in the air in frustration. Then, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth enter. Macbeth still looks out of it.]

Lady Macbeth: Good sirs, what has happened?

Macduff: Sweet lady, this is men's business. You needn't worry yourself with such complicated things.

Lennox: Uh, Macduff…

[Annoyed, Lady Macbeth kicks Macduff in the groin. He groans in pain. The audience cringes.]

Lady Macbeth: Are you saying that you're smarter than I am, because you're a man?

Lennox: [to Macduff] She doesn't like to be treated as an inferior. In fact, she hates it.

Macduff: [still moaning in pain] You couldn't have told me that five minutes ago?

Lennox: I tried.

[Everyone rushes out onstage. Donalbain and Malcolm draw their lightsabers.]

Malcolm: We felt a disturbance in the force. Master Lennox, what's happened?

Lennox: Everyone calm down! I will explain everything!

[There's a long pause, and then Lennox speaks up.]

The king has been murdered in his sleep.

Shakespeare: Okay, I remember that explanation being a little bit longer when I wrote it.

[Panic ensues among the crowd onstage.]

Angus: Do we know who did this?

Macduff: No.

Angus: That's okay. Let me make a quick call, and I've have a vigilante mob scouring the castle in just under half-an-hour.

Ross: Angus, let your cousins sleep.

Angus: Seriously, they'll jump out of bed for something like this. And even you've gotta admit, they're good at what they do.

[Ross thinks, then nods in agreement.]

Ross: Alright, go call your cousins.

[Angus exits, excitely, to call his cousins.]

Macbeth: [whispering to his wife] You don't think they suspect, do you?

[Lady Macbeth stomps on her husband's foot, causing him to quietly moan in pain.]

Lady Macbeth: [under her breath] They won't as long as you keep your mouth shut!

[Lennox motions to Malcolm and Donalbain, and they follow him over to the corner of the stage.]

Lennox: You boys realize what this means, don't you?

Malcolm: Yes…No, what does it mean?

Lennox: [rolls his eyes and chuckles] If your father was murdered, it may mean that you are both targets as well. I think it would be best if you both left the country for a while, just until things calm down.

[Malcolm and Donalbain nod in agreement.]

And it may be best if you split up. The killer may be able to track you if you stay together.

Malcolm: Agreed. Donalbain will go to Ireland, and I'll go to England.

Donalbain: Wait, why do I have to go to Ireland?

Malcolm: Because I called dibs on England.

Donalbain: What's there to do in Ireland?

Malcolm: You could work a potato farm. You could kiss the Blarney Stone. You could hunt for leprechauns.

Donalbain: Hey, I wanna go to England. There's English League Soccer, art museums, Royal Albert Hall, London's one of the busiest cities in the world after dark…

Lennox: [frustrated] Okay, boys, I don't have time for this. We'll stick to the original plan, Malcolm goes to England, and Donalbain goes to Ireland. Agreed?

[Malcolm and Donalbain nod.]

Both: Agreed.

[Both exit.]

Macduff: And now, if you'd all follow me into the Great Hall, we can discuss this further.

[All exit.]


Scene 4: Angus's cousins are scouring the castle, looking for clues. Everyone is in a commotion. Ross and Lennox stroll around the castle, discussing their take on the murder.

Ross: You don't suppose one of the king's sons did it to collect his inheritance, do you?

Lennox: [drawing his lightsaber] Watch what you say, Ross. I've known these boys a long time, and I've spent a great deal of time and energy training them in the Jedi arts. If they were turning the dark side, I would know it.

Ross: [smiling] My apologies.

[Lennox puts his lightsaber away. One of Angus's cousins, the old man, approaches.]

Lennox: Have you found anything?

Old Man: Nothing yet, my lord. We found some evidence that led us to believe that the king's guards commited the murder, but we disproved that a while ago.

Ross: How?

Old Man: Simple, the guards were so drunk, that they could barely stand, let alone, kill anyone. Honestly, they barely remember anything that's happened tonight. Of course, that means the murderer could easily have gotten into the king's bedchamber. We haven't found much besides that, but I have a theory. Macbeth could have done it. It is his home, after all, and he could easily get close to the king.

[Lennox and Ross nod understandingly.]

Lennox: Do you have any proof of this?

Old Man: No, but like I said, it's just a theory.

[Old man exits. Macduff enters.]

Ross: How goes the world?

Macduff: [sarcastic] The king is dead, a bunch of rednecks are scouring the castle, and I got kicked in the balls, because I made Lady Macbeth feel inferior. Where have you been?

Ross: Sorry I asked.

Lennox: So, what happens now?

Macduff: Well, Macbeth has been nominated to succeed Duncan. He and Lady Macbeth are headed to Scone for their coronation…

[Some random guy from backstage runs out.]

Random Guy: Scones? Did somebody say there were scones out here?

Macduff: [glaring at random guy] No, now beat it!

Random Guy: Okay, bye.

[Random Guy exits.]

Macduff: Anyway, Macbeth is going to be crowned, and Duncan's body is being taken to Colmekill for an autopsy.

Ross: What's an autopsy?

Macduff: Never mind. [yawning] Now, if you don't mind I'm going to bed. I didn't get much sleep last night.

[All exit.]