More Clichés for Thomas
Does anyone remember that very fast engine called Spencer?
No? Anyone?
Good, he doesn't feature here. He spent so much time debating whether or not having any more Spencer-centric episodes would boost his reputation, he didn't realize that the executives had found out he already had a TV show on CBeebies in which he co-starred beside Uninteresting Bob's Uninteresting Job and Swanky Yankee. He got fired a few episodes after his debut, ran away to the Sodor China Company and was never heard from again.
So guess which engine was drafted in as a last minute replacement for the snooty ego?
That's right, a little tank engine called Afne. (She claimed it was short for Anthea, but James just said it stood for "Another Fancy New Engine".)
One of the rules for new engines on Sodor is that they always have something wrong with them before becoming the middle-of-the-road cameos they usually end up as. Sodor doesn't take them if they don't. They can find themselves another railway. In Afne's case, it was her constant tendency to peep very loudly in inappropriate places. (Bill and Ben joked she was a trainification of bogus HIT censors.)
Despite this, the Fat Controller immediately gave her an important job in which she was supposed to remain very quiet.
"Why does he do it?" complained Henry. "I'm supposed to be dead by now, but even I know that Afne is totally unsuited to this job."
"Then tell the Fat Controller that."
"What are you nuts?! He'll take away my Welsh coal! I can't do another nickel!"
Thomas rolled his eyes. "Losing your precious peepin' coal doesn't mean you're gonna be arrested," he pointed out in that heavy American-stereotype accent that Pierce had afflicted him with.
"Easy for you to say," Henry pooped. "You haven't been on the fine line between salvation and scrap 50 times since you arrived. The Flying Kipper was especially dangerous, I can't believe-"
"Tell ya what. I'll take over your duty if you don't tell me that story."
"OK. I could use a break anyway. After all, I do only have a few months to live."
Thomas grinned. Henry had had a few months to live for the past 12 seasons.
"Besides," the tank engine said, "I have a feeling our Afne will get into a pickle somehow. No engine with a flaw ever gets his or her first job without a hitch that gets her into trouble and gives me a chance to show all of Sodor how awesome I am again."
"How do you know that?"
"Read the script," he laughed as he steamed away.
Henry watched him go. "I think I need a driver that'll give me a year to live."
Meanwhile, Afne was taking plates and mugs up to the Sodor China Company. You know, the corporation to which What's-his-face was sold. On the way, she kept getting warnings about the dangerously and conveniently placed cliff dangling above her line.
"Don't peep on that cliff, Afne," said Edward. "You could cause an avalanche, which could spoil your first time on Sodor."
"Aw, don't be a silly train analogy. PEEP. I'll be OK, Eddie."
"My name is Edward."
"Don't peep on that cliff, Afne," warned James. "You could cause an avalanche, and I don't want such a pretty engine to get into that amount of trouble."
"Hasn't Rosie broken up with you yet, Jamie?"
"Yeah, a couple of times."
"Don't peep on that cliff, Afne," said Percy. "You could cause an aval--"
"I'm sorry, did someone PEEP say something?"
"Dae no peep on tha' cliff, Afne," warned Douglas (or was it Donald?). "Ye could cause a wee ol' avalanche."
"Och aye the noo."
"Sorry?"
"That's the only PEEP Scottish I know."
"Don't peep on that cliff," Thomas warned (hey, he had a reputation to uphold). "You could cause an avalanche."
"OK, sheesh, I won't! Why does PEEP everyone keep saying that?!"
5 minutes later…
"Thomas, Afne needs your help," boomed the Fat Controller. "She's peeped on That Cliff and caused an avalanche."
"I knew that."
It wasn't as if Thomas had wanted Afne to get into trouble, oh no sir. It's just that he jumped at every opportunity to prove himself to the Fat Controller and make himself Really Useful and Really Reliable and Really The Best Engine On All The Railways Of Sodor every few days.
But when he arrived at That Cliff and Afne wasn't there, he almost had a heart attack.
"Where the buffer has Afne gone? She was supposed to be trapped in an avalanche up here!!"
"Did I say 'supposed to'? I meant, uh, 'rumored to be'," he corrected when his driver glared at him.
"Sorry, Thomas, but Afne's quit," admitted the director.
"In the middle of an episode?!"
"Apparently the pay isn't satisfactory to her need, whatever that means. If we don't increase her paycheck for humiliating herself, she won't co-operate and she'll spill the beans on the way we do things around here."
"Crikey," muttered Thomas, "our shortest engine yet."
"Could you please go find Afne and try to talk some sense into her? We'll never get this series done if you don't."
Thomas quickly agreed. He was on a short fuse as it was. "I'll go talk to her. In the meantime, you tell Percy to stop making a mess on the main line; we need it for the obligatory Christmas episode later." He walked away, quietly pondering what time his suit was due back from the dry-cleaners. God forbid if they didn't manage to get out all the grease-stains –
"Thomas, what are you doing?!"
He stopped abruptly and blushed. "Sorry, Driver. I'm so used to being in charge that I forget I'm an engine and not The Fat Controller." He quickly steamed away.
Afne ended up doing the episode in the end, if only because she needed enough exposure to get voted onto reality TV show "Sodor's Got The Train Factor". However, she neglected to gently notify both networks of her notorious criminal record (she'd stolen a lump of coal), and so quickly got kicked off of first one show, and then the other. She ended up at the Sodor China Company after all, where she worked alongside and then got into an even-shorter-lived relationship with Who-Was-He-Again.
So guess which engine was drafted in as a last minute replacement for the snooty ego?
That's right, an express engine called --
Oh, you know the rest.
