Hate is a four-letter word

Disclaimer: Nope still nothing but my fevered imagination working overtime as per usual. So Eric Kripke has the honour of owning Supernatural and the characters we all love to hurt.

Disclaimer Number 2: Very important, this story is going to contain hate crime I just want to say that I do not advocate any kind of hate crime ever, in fact it goes against all of my principles but it will be a very important part of the story. I am hoping that the ending will resolve issues brought up throughout the plotline.

Warning: Graphic violence and sexual assault if you are squeamish about these things then please go read one of my tamer stories.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Dean sat on the side of Sam's bed and watched his brother with a curious stare, he felt almost unnerved with Sam's blank gaze tracking his movements until he sat down and now it was just an unblinking spookiness.

'Dammit Sammy talk to me.' Dean snapped finally, his exhaustion and anger getting the better of him, 'snap out of it and talk to me.'

'Dean?' Bobby stood in the doorway a serious look darkening his eyes, 'Dean son we have to talk.'

'What?' Dean snapped and then hung his head unable to keep up the pretence anymore he can't, he just can't, 'sorry Bobby.'

'Nah don't sweat it but we do have to talk, I ah got some advice on the sigils.'

'You? The master of all researching weird stuff needed advice?' Dean gasped in mock horror, as he desperately clutched at something normal.

'Yeah even me, do you wanna know or what?' Bobby groused back.

A piercing scream interrupted their friendly banter, both men turned and stared in silent shock, as another scream erupted from the young man lying so still in the bed.

'Oh God Sam?' Dean broke out of his stupor first and hurried to his brother's side just as Sam sat upright and held the sides of his head with trembling hands. 'Sammy what is it?'

'Deanie? Make it stop, please make it stop.' Sam sobbed clutching at his brother with one hand while the other still held his head, 'hurts me.'

'Shh Sammy we'll help you, you just have to calm down.'

'No, no you lie it says you lie.' Sammy lashed out catching Dean's chin and lower lip, 'it says … you gonna take me back aren't you.'

'Sammy, Sammy listen to me it's not telling you the truth.' Dean ignored the throbbing pain coming from his split lip. 'I'm not taking you back.'

'Yeah uhhuh you are, you gonna give me back to him,' Sammy ranted pulling away from his brother he pushed himself against the wall, curling up into an impossibly small ball for someone so tall. 'Please don't, promise I'll be good.'

'Sammy, Sam no one's taking you anywhere.' Bobby tried as he watched Dean pull away from his brother, 'and no one's leaving you either are ya Dean?'

'Deanie?' Sam sobbed as he blinked and tried to focus on his brother's face, 'Deanie? I sorry, I didn't mean it.'

'I know little man, I know.' Dean sighed as he wiped the back of his hand across his mouth and tried to reconcile himself with the fact that they were just moving in circles. 'It's alright Sammy, I'm here.'

'No, no you mad with Sammy.' Sammy flinched and moved closer to the wall, 'you don't love me.'

'Damn it Sam stop it.' Dean snapped then he stopped himself as he watched his brother seemingly shrink into himself, the wild look in his eyes made him look like a trapped rabbit ready to flee. 'Sammy, Sammy I'm sorry I'm tired tired.'

'Bad men comin', the bad man hurts us.'

'What bad? Do you mean Rodgers?' Dean asked trying to keep his tone of voice as gentle and as non-threatening as possible.

'Hurts Sam, sends it after him, don' like it in … gotta get it out.' Sam rambled his eyes tracked around the room searching for something only he could see, mumbling incoherently he crawled down the bed keeping pressed against the wall, 'no, no Sammy help Sam, get it out.'

'Sammy … little dude you're scaring Deanie.' Dean slowly stood up and signalled for Bobby to stay back as he tried to get closer to Sammy.

'No, no don't want hurt.' Sam pushed himself further away from Dean and saw the object he sought. He could feel the fight between Sam and it, and Sam was losing, he had to make it end, had to make it right for Sam.

'Sammy what you doin' little guy?' Dean moved slowly, cautiously towards his brother unsure of what was happening with him. 'Sammy talk to me kiddo.'

'Don' wan' it to hurt no more.' Sam whimpered and pushed his way towards their duffle bags at the ends of the beds. 'No more hurt.'

'Sammy whatcha doin?' Dean moved a little closer but wasn't fast enough as he watched his younger brother latch onto a knife out of his bag, 'Sammy put that down kiddo you'll hurt yourself.'

'Don' wanna hurt no more Deanie.' Sammy wept as he stared at the shining knife, 'Sam don' wanna hurt no more.'

'Sammy … little man can I talk to Sam?' Dean took a step and then stopped suddenly, 'please Sammy put the knife down kiddo.'

'You send me back, you don't love … no Dean loves me, Dean loves me.' Sam fought himself as he ran the tip of the knife across the taut skin on his wrist, 'gotta get it outta me.'

'Sammy please, put the knife down son.' Bobby tried to reason but then he saw the look in Sam's eyes and stopped moving, 'Sammy you know that yer not allowed to play with the hunting knives.'

'N-not playin' Uncle Bobby.' Sam whined slightly, 'it has to come outta Sammy.'

'What does Sammy?' Dean asked as he inched closer to his distraught brother.

'It, it hurts Sam, makes him cry.' Sammy sobbed, 'pretty, shiny.'

'Can – can I have the knife Sammy?' Dean held his hand out and took one last step closer to Sam.

Sam looked up at Dean and then scuttled backwards until he crashed against the far wall, next to where he had drawn the symbols, 'pretty shiny Deanie, don' hurt.'

'Sammy please give Deanie the knife.' Bobby tried to cajole the boy, 'come on I think it's time for ice cream but only if you give Deanie the knife.'

Sam blinked and looked up at his brother through his sweat-filled fringe; tears ran down his pale face as confusion flickered through his green eyes turning them a deep forest green. 'love you Dean.' He whispered as he sliced the knife down his arm from elbow to wrist. 'Let it out.'

'No Sam.' Dean yelled as he lunged for the blade, slicing his own hand as he grabbed it from Sam. Bobby moved then, and frantically tried to wrap Sammy's wound with a towel, before he glanced over at Dean who sat holding his bleeding hand the knife dropped next to him.

'Bobby?' Dean rasped out, he felt himself teetering over the edge of his own strained sanity. 'Is he?'

'He's gonna be fine Dean.' Bobby said as he sat back on his haunches, 'but he's in big trouble.'

'Not trouble, was acc'dent.' Sammy mumbled sullenly, 'pretty shiny.'

'Yeah well pretty shiny can hurt ya kiddo.' Bobby said as he picked up the bloodied knife, 'I'll go and get some bandages, don' you two go an' play with anymore knives.'

'Geeze Bobby aint a kid anymore.' Dean sulked slightly as he wrapped a cloth around his hand and stood up, 'Sammy?'

As he started to bend down next to his brother, Dean watched horrified as Sam started to draw once again on the wall using his own blood, mumbling under his breath as he made the grotesque markings. 'Sammy stop, stop please.'

'Deanie mad wif Sammy?'

'No Deanie not mad, just tired, really tired.'

'Sammy tired too,'

'Wanna have a nap with Deanie?' Dean watched his brother carefully as he stopped digging into his arm and held a hand up. 'Atta boy.'

'Deanie why Sammy's arm hurts?' Sammy lifted his bleeding arm up to his brother for inspection, 'Sammy got owies.'

'Sammy's got big owies yes, and Sammy gotta promise Deanie no more pretty shiny.'

'Okkies Deanie.' Sammy nodded and yawned, 'Sammy tired.'

'Sammy is Sam okay? Can you hear him?'

'Sammy hurts, Sam hurts. It hurts Sam.'

'What does Sammy?'

'It … funny eyes.'

'Yellow eyes?'

'Uhhuh funny eyes all red an' yella.' Sammy nodded thoughtfully, 'he make Sam cry and yells.'

'Where's Sam?' Dean asked as he finally managed to lower Sammy back onto the bed and to assess his arm, 'geeze Sammy you did some damage with the pretty shiny.'

'Sammy sorry, Deanie want Sammy to go?'

'No, no kiddo you just gave Dean a fright that's all.' Dean swallowed down his own pain and grief as Bobby came into the room carrying the first aid kit, 'here we go we uncle Bobby's gonna fix your arm but you have to be brave.'

'Okkies Deanie.' Sammy sniffled and stared wearily at Bobby, 'no hurts no more?'

'We'll see Sammy but Uncle Bobby's gotta put stitches in your arm.'

'Don't Bobby, leave me … c-can't hold him any longer.'

'Sam?' Bobby and Dean asked in unison.

'Let me go please, the demon he wants … Rodgers' coming he can find me.' Sam turned mournful eyes to his brother, 'he's telling him … he's coming … go Dean please go.'

'Not without you baby brother, little or big you're not going anywhere and neither am I!'

'Dean please, let me go.' Sam begged, his lucid moments slipped away before he could say anything else, Dean watched as the intelligence once again slipped from Sam's eyes.

'No, damn it no, you stay with me Sam, I mean it.' Dean ordered sounding more like their father than ever before, 'you hear me Sam Winchester you stay with me that's an order.'

'Dean … tired too tired.' Sam leant his head against his brother's shoulder, 'don't wanna feel like this anymore.'

'Like what Sam?'

'Tired, hurting, scared … so scared … little Sammy shouldn't have to …'

'Hey, hey Sam come on talk to me dude.' Dean lifted his good arm and wrapped it around Sam's shoulders, 'I've missed ya, and if you tell anyone about this …'

'Nearly done Sam.' Bobby said as he pulled another stitch closed.

'Huh?' Sam blinked and stared down at his arm and the neat row of stitches Bobby had already made, 'don't even feel it.'

'Sam?' Bobby looked up with a concerned look on his face, 'you feeling okay?'

'Yeah just tired and so cold.' Sam smiled wanly, 'Dean remember when dad stitched me up for the first time.'

'Yeah you were about eleven or twelve I guess.'

'My – my first salt and burn.' Sam chuckled softly as he became lost in the memory, 'dad was so pissed at me I didn't move fast enough and tripped.'

'Yeah he did rip ya a new one.'

'Not his fault, I didn't listen to him.' Sam sighed, 'tripped over my own feet.'

'Dude, dad rode you made you go out on the hunt when you weren't ready.'

'Never was, funny now I know and dad's not here.'

'Sam stop, just stop talkin' like this.' Dean pleaded.

'Dad was right Dean, I'm just a royal screw up, hell I can't even survive an attack from humans let alone demons.'

'Sam that … they were driven by demons dude not the same and man you more than survived.'

'Yeah that's why I hide behind little Sammy coz I'm such a freaking hero.' Sam blinked and felt all of the tension leave his body, 'I'm sorry Dean forgive me.'

'Nothin' to forgive Sammy.' Dean whispered as he tightened his grip on Sam's shoulders and laid a soft kiss on his brother's forehead, 'nothing to forgive.'

'There ya go Sam.' Bobby finished the last stitch and then covered the wound with a light gauze bandage, 'now let's see ya brother's hand.'

'Bobby.'

'Dean!' Bobby's tone brooked no argument and Dean gave in with a slight shrug of his shoulders.

'Dean I'm sorry for leavin' you.' Sam blurted out taking Dean's attention from Bobby's ministrations. 'I always stuff up.'

'Alright that's enough!' Dean roared, 'Sam nothing is your fault.'

'Yes it is Dean, it's all my fault.' Sam cried out and pointed to the sigils. 'I did that, I brought all of the pain and horror to everyone, I was the one that they – that they…'

'They what Sam?' Dean stood up and faced his brother, 'what did they do that I don't know? I was one the who sat with you trying to fix your back or don't you …'

'I was raped Dean, they raped me, that doctor raped me over and over and over and over.' Sam yelled back his temper matching Dean's, 'they drugged me and they raped me.'

'I know Sam, I know.' Dean said softly, 'I'm sorry dude.'

'They did that to me, why? Why did they do that to me? I didn't do anything to them. That doctor … he gave me these drugs and he did these things to me. Why? What did I do that was so wrong?'

'Nothing dude you did nothing wrong. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time and got suckered big time, it's not your fault.'

'They did that to me I don't understand … I – I remember that doctor saying that it's nothing that I don't like anyway.' Sam dropped to his knees sobbing; slowly he lifted his tear-stained face to his brother, 'why would they think that?'

'Coz they're sick bastards who let a demon control them, you were a victim Sam, we all were victims Sam we all have to heal.'

'No, no I – I don't deserve. Dirty, dirty, dirty little boy.' Sam whispered as he started to shut down again.

Dean pulled his hand away from Bobby a soft white bandage dangled in it's wake and dropped to his knees in front of Sam, oblivious of Bobby's leaving, letting the brother's the privacy they deserved. 'Sam, Sam listen to me you are Sam Winchester, you were the one who stood up to dad, you went to college, you saved my life more times than I can count. You are my brother, my pain in the ass, too independent for his own good, little brother, you are not a dirty little boy you are a man, a strong capable and brave man.'

'They raped me Dean.' Sam sobbed finally releasing his own inner demons and terrors in heaving gasping sobs.

'Shh, let it out Sam, just let it out so we can go and get the bastards.' Dean pulled his brother into a hug, pushing aside any personal discomfort as he tried to console his broken brother. For the first time Sam had admitted what had happened and not let himself fall back into little Sammy. A painful but needed experience for them, both of them to move forward.

'So much for no chick flicks huh?' Sam hiccupped as he finally pulled back and wiped his face with the back of his hand.

'Yeah tell anyone and I will have to kill you.' Dean smiled softly.

'Jerk.'

'And with that snotty nose you are nothing but a bitch face!' Dean swiped his brother's face with his good hand. 'We okay now?'

'No but getting' there.' Sam smiled this time showing a flash of his dimples, before he paled and cradled his head in his hands, 'no, no more, stop it please Dean stop it coming back in me.'

TBC