The next chapter will be intermission - don't worry, there is a point to this! The bits I've added are going to turn out to be important later...

BRAD: Say! Do any of you guys know the Madison?
(It's deathly quiet except for the beat that Snape's kept going – they have to segue into 'Sweet Transvestite', and Harry's heart hammers in anticipation of Sirius' arrival. The lift must've cost a small fortune... In it, Sirius is having a mild panic attack. The outfit might be traditional, but he can't help feeling incredibly exposed (and slightly unbalanced – he's not so good with heels). The lift carries him down behind Ethan and Lavender, and he takes a deep breath – it's show time)

JANET: Brad, please lets get out of here.

BRAD: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.

JANET: But it seems so unhealthy here.

BRAD: It's just a..a party Janet.

JANET: Well I want to leave.

BRAD: We can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.

JANET: Then ask the butler - or someone.

BRAD: Let's wait awhile Janet. We don't want to interfere with their celebrations.

JANET: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce Brad.

BRAD: They're probably foreigners with ways different from our own. - They may do some more folk dancing.

JANET: Brad - I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared.

BRAD: I'm here, there's nothing to worry about.

(The Transylvanian dancers rise up and turn to face Sirius. For a moment Lavender looks bewildered, but she remembers to turn around – and 'faint' into Ethan's arms. Her scream actually shocked even Harry, who expected it. Sirius steps out into the lights, and grins. This is his song)

FRANK N. FURTER/Sirius: How do you do. I
see you've met my
faithful handyman.
He's just a little brought down - Because
when you knocked
He thought you were the candyman...
Don't get strung out
by the way that I look.
(Sirius strides across the Ballroom to the throne)
Don't judge a book by its cover I'm not
much of a man
By the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.
(Sirius lets the cloak fall onto the throne, which reveals his transvestite attire)
I'm just a sweet Transvestite
From Transexual Transylvania.
(He slowly moves back to Ethan and Lavender, doing leg kicks that took weeks of practice to get right)
Let me show you around, maybe
play you a sound
You look like you're both pretty groovie.
Or if you want something visual that's
not too abysmal
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.

(He then pretends to ignore them as he greets his 'guests' – the dancers. Ethan tries rather pathetically to get his attention – but Sirius is in his element)

BRAD: I'm glad we caught you at home. Ah - could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry.

JANET: Right!

BRAD: We'll just say where we are
Then go back to the car.
We don't want to be any worry.

(Draco Malfoy suddenly pulls an electric violin out of nowhere – Harry, who wasn't expecting this at all, could only stare in shock as the boy beside him begins to harmonise with the electric guitar – unrehearsed, yet perfect. It really helped Harry remember why he hated the bloody show-off)

FRANK: You got caught with a flat
Well how about that
Well babies don't you panic
By the light of the night
It'll seem alright
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.
(Sirius struts back to the throne, draping himself in it like an arrogant courtesan and smirking at them all in such an incredible imitation of Lucius Malfoy that many in the pit hide grins behind their hands)
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transexual Transylvania.
(From the throne he gestures towards Ethan and Lavender rather slowly over the next verse)
Why dont'cha stay for the night [ RIFF & MAGENTA: (echo) "night"]
Or maybe a bite [RIFF & MAGENTA: (echo) "bite"]
I could show you my favourite obsession
I've been making a man
With blonde hair and a tan
And he's good for relieving my tension...
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transexual Transylvania.
(Sirius struts down the Ballroom to the lift)
I'm just a sweet transvestite. [GUESTS/choir & dancers: (echo) "Sweet Transvestite"]
From Transexual Transylvania. [GUESTS: (echo) "Transylvania"]

(Draco Malfoy let out a final shriek on the electric violin, then set it back under his seat as though nothing had happened)

FRANK: So come up to the Lab.
And see what's on the slab.
I see you shiver with antici --- pation
(Ethan flinched as Sirius practically spat the last two syllables in his face) (Chord!)
But maybe the rain
Is really to blame
So I'll remove the cause
But not the symptom!

(Snape finally lets everyone in the pit breathe. Fred knocks out the lights, and the entire castle is swivelled round by a small army of students to reveal the lab scene. Ethan almost forgets to remove his clothes, but remembers in time to stop Lavender from removing her bra – it's pretty clear she took something to 'calm her nerves'. The lights come up, and both are left as the centre of attention from both audience and dancers)

JANET: Oh Brad.

BRAD: (confidentially) It's alright Janet, we'll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right.
(He turns to Lily, who has been staring at his Batman boxers)
Ah, hi. My name is Brad Majors and this is my fiancee, Janet Weiss. You are ...

COLUMBIA: You are very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.

(The Transylvanian dancers line up against a wall)

BRAD: People like you maybe

COLUMBIA: I've seen it.

JANET: (to Bellatrix) Is he - Frank - is he your husband?

(Sniggers ripple across the stage – partly because Lavender's so obviously high to anyone close enough to see her eyes)

RIFF RAFF: The Master is not yet married. Nor do I think he ever will be. We are simply his servants.

JANET: Oh...*giggles*

(Sirius strides into the lab, avoiding the tank and carrying a glass of champagne. He also wears a white lab coat over his transvestite outfit)

FRANK: Magenta, Columbia, go and assist Riff Raff.
(Blaise, already by the switchboard, pulls Lily and Bellatrix towards himself, and Bellatrix trips slightly before glaring at him)
I will entertain...ah...
(He turns to Ethan, who quickly rattles off his line -)

BRAD: I'm Brad Majors and this is my fiancee, Janet Vice.

(Lavender, staring into space, forgets a line. Luckily it wasn't important [AN: just a weird Vice/Weiss thing that I thought was stupid])

FRANK: (Taking Janet's hand to kiss) Enchante....How nice.
(he circles them) And what charming underclothes you both have.
(He takes two dust coats from Riff Raff and hands them to Brad).
But here, put these on. They'll make you feel less vulnerable.
(As he continues, Lily and Bellatrix move over to the podium)
It's not often we receive visitors here. Let alone offer them hospitality.

BRAD: (Moving towards Frank) Hospitality! All we wanted to do was use your telephone. A reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore.

JANET: (Hurring after Brad) Don't be ungrateful Brad.

BRAD: (Stepping closer to Frank) Ungrateful!

(The set falls silent. All eyes are on Sirius, waiting for his reaction. A smile breaks on his face)

FRANK: How forceful you are Brad. Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So dominant. You must be awfully proud of him Janet.

JANET: Well, yes I am.

(Ethan shifts his weight, embarrassed, as the dancers giggle)

FRANK: Do you have any tattoos Brad.

BRAD: Certainly not!
(Ironically enough, it was well known to the students that Ethan Carter has a small tattoo of an eagle on his left shoulder-blade, which had been slathered in make-up before the lights came up)

FRANK: Oh well.

(Blaise moves behind Sirius, looming slightly creepily...)

RIFF RAFF: Everything is in readiness, Master. We merely await your word.

(Sirius drinks his 'champagne' (sparkling grape juice) and throws Blaise the glass – he almost misses the catch, but recovers quickly. Sirius strides to the podium)

FRANK: Tonight, my unconventional conventionists, you are to witness a breakthrough in biochemical research.
(There is a gasp from all on stage bar Lavender and Ethan)
And paradise is to be mine.
(The dancers applaud. Lavender claps too, until Ethan stops her)
It was strange the way it happened. One of those quirks of fate really. One of those moments when you seem irredeemably lost: you panic; you're trapped; your back's against the wall. There's no way out, and then suddenly, you get a break.
(He cracks the bones in his hand)
All the pieces seem to fit into place. What a sucker you've been. What a fool. The answer was there all the time. It took a small accident to make it happen. An accident! That's how I discovered the secret. That elusive ingredient, that spark that is the breath of life.
(Applause again – this time Ethan doesn't bother to restrain Lavender, even though she's not meant to clap)
(Moving to tank)
You see, Brad and Janet, you are fortunate. For tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be born.
(Everybody applauds. Sirius pulls the cover from the tank, and James' still form can be seen through the side as a black mass)
Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator.
(Blaise flicks a switch)
And step up the reactor power input three more points.
(Blaise pushes a large button three times and begins to wind up a wheel. George goes nuts with the light display inside the tank, making James' silhouette flash different colours. Sirius looks like a child on a sugar high)

JANET: Brad...

BRAD: It's alright Janet.

(The lights stop, and James begins to move... he stands up, covered in bandages. Sirius and Blaise pull him out, and Blaise unwraps him from the feet up. There is a pause as the audience waits for Rocky to sing – but since James refused the song was cut [AN: I don't like it much...]. Instead he lunges for the lift, and is dragged back to Sirius by Blaise and Bellatrix)

FRANK: Well. That's no way to behave on your first day out.
(James manages to look like a kicked puppy, and Harry can hardly believe it's his annoying brother)
But as you're such an exceptional beauty I'm prepared to forgive. I just love success.

RIFF RAFF: (edging up to Frank) He is a credit to your genius, Master.

FRANK: Yes.

MAGENTA: (Moving to tank from controls) A triumph of your vill.

FRANK: Yes.

COLUMBIA: (Who is on opposite side of tank) He's o.k.

FRANK: O.K?
(Moving out behind tank towards Janet and Brad)
OK! I think we can do a little better than that. You. (To Lavender) What do you think?

JANET: Well.
(She stares dazedly at Ethan)
I don't like men with...er, with, with, um, too many, um, muscles.

FRANK: I didn't make him for you!
(Lavender looks blank, but Sirius ignores her)
He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval....And he didn't even take the lessons.
(Armand trickles his fingers across the keyboard, and the pit suddenly snap out of their contemplation of Lavender to actually play...)
A weakling weighing
Ninety eight pounds
Will get sand in his face
When kicked to the ground.
And soon in the gym
(James sits on a vault-horse)
With a determined chin
The sweat from his pores
As he works for his ca-ha-hause
(Blaise hands over some weights... and Sirius dances around singing)
Will make him glisten - thank you - And gleam.
And with massage
And just a little bit of
Ste-he-he-he-hem...(laughs)
He'll be pink.
And quite clean.
He'll be a strong man
- Oh honey -

GUESTS, RIFF, MAGENTA, COLUMBIA & FRANK: But the wrong man.

FRANK: He'll eat nutritious high protein
And swallow raw eggs.
Try to build up his shoulders,
His chest, arms and legs.
Such an effort -
If he only knew of my plan.
In just seven days,

GUESTS, RIFF, MAGENTA, COLUMBIA & FRANK: I can make you a ma-aa-a-a-an
(James starts doing press-ups)

FRANK: He'll do press-ups and chin-ups,
Do the snatch, clean and jerk.
He thinks dynamic tension
Must be hard work.
Such strenuous living
I just don't understand.
(Sirius moves to stand by James, gazing adoringly at his glistening back)
When, in just seven days
- Oh baby...
(James jumps up – into Sirius' arms)
I can make you
A ma-a-a-a-an...(laugh).

(The orchestra is cut off by Snape, who proceeds to scowl at Cedric Diggory for some muck-up no-one even noticed. Then there is a loud bang from the sound techies, and Jack Potter falls through a 'door' (a cut-out section of the wall between the lab/ballroom sets) in a cloud of smoke from a backstage machine. Dean's 'motorbike' slides out beside him, and he has a black Warlock guitar strapped over his shoulder)

COLUMBIA: Eddie!

(Jack staggers to his feet and picks up the bike. The orchestra begins again as Jack starts to sing)

EDDIE/Jack: Whatever happened to Saturday night
When you dressed up sharp
And you felt alright
It don't seem the same since cosmic light
Came into my life and I thought I was divine.
(Lily leaps on to the pillion seat)
I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go
And listen to the music on the radio.
A saxophone was blowing on a rock and roll show
And we climbed in the back
And we really had a good time
(All on stage break out into a dance routine – one girl trips, but recovers quickly. Harry could feel Lucius' sneer and knew the girl would hear from Lucius' 'Darling Narcissa' before long)

ALL: Hot patootie
Bless my soul
I really love that rock and roll (four times)

(Jack (more confident, less frozen) leaps onto the motorbike in a legs apart guitar strumming pose)
(Sirius acts furious; James acts confused, and is awfully convincing since he's forgotten his steps and making it up as best he can...)
(Harry found himself panicking as he tried to keep up – the picking of the violins was being used instead of some guitar effect, and it was slightly too fast for him...)

EDDIE: My head used to swim
From the perfume I smelled.
My hands kind of fumbled
With her white plastic belt.
I'd taste her baby pink lipstick,
And that's when I'd melt.
And she'd whisper in my ear,
Tonight she really was mine.
Get back in front and put
Some hair oil on.
Buddy Holly was singing
His very last song.
With your arms around your girl
You tried to - ah - sing along
It felt pretty good, whoo.
Really had a good ti-i-ime.

ALL: Hot patootie
Bless my soul.
I really love that rock and roll.
Hot patootie
Bless my soul.
I really love that rock and roll.
Hot patootie
Bless my soul.
You know I love that rock and roll.
Hot patootie
Bless my soul.
I really love that rock and roll.

(Vincent Crabbe rips into 4 bars of saxophone solo and Harry can't help his look of disbelief – Crabbe looks like a complete goon most of the time, and due to his separate practise and rehearsal seatings Harry's never seen him look so... serene?!)
(FRANK steals towards the fridge where he collects an ice pick, innocently)

ALL: Hot patootie - Bless my soul.
I really love that rock and roll. (times six)

(On the last chorus FRANK rushes to EDDIE with the ice pick, in a demented fury; the GUESTS are unbelieving; COLUMBIA covers her face with her hands; EDDIE is dead; FRANK walks away from his body unconcerned)
(Lavender's shrieks echo across the stage, but Bellatrix and Blaise act bored, as though this happens all the time)

FRANK: One from the vaults.
(RIFF RAFF drags EDDIE's dismembered body back into the fridge)
And so perish all those who reject my love!
(ROCKY cowers in terror)
Oh no, my little Adonis - You're much too beautiful to be destroyed. He had a certain naive charm - but no muscle.
(ROCKY flexes: FRANK is thrilled – and the music begins again)
But a deltoid
And a bicep,
A hot groin
And a tricep
Makes me
- ooh -
Shake.
Makes me want
To take Charles Atlas
By the ha-and.
In just seven days
- Oh baby -

GUESTS, RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA, COLUMBIA & FRANK: I can make you a Ma-ha-ha-ha-haan.
I don't want no dissension
Just dynamic tension.
In just seven days
I can make you
A ma-ha-ha-ha-haan.
In just seven days
I can make you
A ma-ha-ha-ha-haaan.

(RIFF RAFF presses a button and a curtain opens revealing a bridal suite done out in black silk – previously the Ballroom, but quietly altered during the lab scene. The GUESTS shout their approval. The end of the SONG turns into Mendelssohn's wedding march and Sirius leads James to his bridal chamber. The GUESTS throw confetti. Lavender and Ethan turn to each other in shock as Fred turns out the lights)

Harry had never been so happy for an intermission to arrive. Ethan was trying to talk to Lavender, who kept trying to find Seamus – apparently he'd been the one to provide her 'herbal relaxant'. Narcissa was in a fine fury; anyone near her was raged at, since she felt that it was somehow everyone elses fault that the drugged Lavender was playing Janet instead of her. Avoiding her as best as possible, Harry attempted to track down his siblings.

YAY! Honestly, I had no idea it would take me so long to do this - it's actually easier to write my own stuff.

However, thanks to the real owners of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show': you guys rule.