A/N: I told you guys I'd make the next update quick. The only problem is…I've probably had this chapter finished for a month and not started the next one. I am blocking majorly…like whoa. So hopefully it won't be another month before the next chapter but I want you guys to be forewarned that it's not looking great right now. And the shit's hitting the fan at school next week as far as schoolwork goes, then spring break (BEACH!) so we'll see. I just have a lot going on right now. But I will try to hurry up the next chapter. Thanks guys!
She could hear the basketball bouncing from a block away; could feel the way it echoed off the surrounding buildings, making its way up the street and to her ears like a beacon signaling she was moving in the right direction.
Thump, thump, thump…
Silence. And she knew he had shot.
She neared his house, walking under the overhang coming from the side of it, finally able to see his swift motions as he continued his routine. She saw him clearly as she came nearer, fetching the ball, dribbling, shooting. So rhythmic. Shoot. Fetch. Repeat. She had always thought he had a certain elegance about him when he played basketball. There was something mesmerizing in the trained way he moved his body. He always found solace in the game.
He stopped, just a beat when he recognized her, but then continued his movements as if nothing in his surroundings had changed. She continued to approach him, passing him by, finally coming to rest directly under his basketball goal and he still would not spare a glance for her. Instead, he shot. The ball slid through the hoop again with a simple swoosh and fell directly into Haley's waiting arms.
His eyes watched her expectantly, seemingly calculating what she would do.
She knew she could be disagreeable and hold the ball until he would speak to her, but that seemed entirely too petty. So, she took the ball and passed it back to him, letting him continue his cycle.
She passed and he shot. She passed and he shot. So it continued for a few more minutes until Haley spoke.
"Headed back already?" She glanced momentarily at his SUV in the driveway, packed with a few bags, before passing the ball back to him.
"Got practice," he responded, continuing to shoot methodically.
"You're mad," she stated simply, gauging his actions as she passed again.
He sighed, shaking his head, releasing the ball again. "Not mad."
"Yes, you are," Haley replied, stepping out from under the basketball hoop to circle around, staring at him. The ball fell through the hoop again, this time without Haley's arms to catch it, dribbled against the cement, and rolled away. He sighed louder as he went to fetch his ball and shoot it up again.
He continued to shoot, still having not given Haley the time of day unless she had the ball in her hands.
She had walked all the way around him now, surveying him, and went to lounge against his car. "Fine. You're not mad. You're pissed. You're livid."
He shot again, but missed for the first time. Haley could easily see his jaw clenched as he kept his impatience held inside. He ran to get the orange ball, shot, and missed again, the ball catching the edge of the hoop and falling back at him mockingly. He caught the ball and held it silently in his hands for a few moments, before slamming it into the ground in what could be called nothing but fury. "Fine, Haley. Why am I mad? Please enlighten me."
She crossed her arms, as she leaned back against his own car, surveying him. It amazed her that after being in the state she had left him in last night, here he was at one o'clock the next day, shooting a basketball. But she had known he would be. That was Nathan Scott, for you. Stubborn and stoic, he wouldn't let a little alcohol stop his routine. He would hardly let anything change his routine.
"You know why," she said, glancing at her toes as his gaze burned a hole in her. "Because of last night."
She chanced a glance at him to see he was still staring. She wanted desperately to read his expression, to get into his head and know exactly what he was thinking; but he was so stoic, cold even. And she knew she was right, there wasn't even a shimmer of a question that he was mad.
"What happened last night?" he questioned lazily, wiping the anger from his face and picking up the ball, shooting, and for the third time, missing. Haley admitted to herself she felt a little pleasure in his curse words after the missed shot.
"Am I in your head now, Nathan?"
He shot, missed again, and did not even bother going to fetch his ball. Instead, he approached Haley, stuffing his hands in his sweatshirt pockets. "I never figured you for the bitchy type, James."
She raised an eyebrow as he stepped a bit closer. "I guess you should stop thinking you know me."
As he continued coming towards her, it occurred to her just what he was going to do. Before she had time to prevent it though, he was close enough to have her virtually pinned against the side of his car, his arms on either side preventing her escape. He leaned down towards her, his head turned slightly in, just above her shoulder. "Familiar, James?"
She stuck her hands up again, toward his chest as she had done the night before, but this time managed to effectively push him away. She left him behind her, going to pick up his ball where it had rolled in the grass. "You weren't quite that confident last night, huh? 'Please stay with me tonight, Haley,'" she intoned, effectively mocking him while dribbling the ball. She didn't know what was bringing out this vindictive side of her, wanting to rub his face in his moments of vulnerability. She knew in the end, it would get her nowhere with him.
He came up behind her again, his hands lightly touching her hips before she could scoot away with his basketball. "That's what I say to all the girls I think are going to screw me. Sorry to rain on your little egotistical parade."
She laughed out loud at that. "My little egotistical parade?! C'mon, Nathan, just admit you're mad and I won't make you look like an idiot."
"So, you really think so much of yourself that getting shot down by you is going to make me mad?"
"Yes, Nathan," Haley replied sarcastically, standing still, holding his basketball up against her hip. She was incredulous anyone could be such a jackass. "I am looking for an ego stroke from you. Because knowing you cried all night to yourself about me makes me feel all giddy inside." She hurled the basketball back at him and he caught it at the last moment, letting a smirk come to his face.
"You were looking for some kind of stroke from me last night, but I don't know about egos." He stepped towards her, handing the basketball back. "Here you go. You dropped this."
"You want to talk about last night?" Haley asked, feeling truly, unbelievably angry now. "Ok. 'Haley, I want it all! I want a family and a son and you're the family I should have and'—ow, Nathan that hurts!"
He had reached up as she spoke and grabbed her wrist hard, provoking her to stop. He flinched as she said he was hurting her though, and let go. She dropped the basketball and it rolled away. She reached out her other hand and rubbed her wrist, and he saw that tears had welled in her eyes. He knew he might as well go drown himself. "Why the hell would you do that?" she asked, in a much less passionate voice. She looked hurt and the doe quality of her eyes stood out more to him now than it ever had before. Usually she was so forceful with him, strutting around with her air of superiority and some secret knowledge she held over him, but she really mesmerized him in moments like this—when he could see the innocence behind her eyes and he knew she couldn't lie to him; knew she had trouble even denying him. He had seen it clearly the previous night. And he had allowed her to see a little of him back. Partly because he couldn't prevent himself in the state he was in; partly because he thought she deserved that much, he owed her that much.
"I didn't mean to," he admitted as she stepped away from him. "I'm sorry, Haley. Wait!" he yelled as she began to walk away. He jogged to catch up with her and step around her, putting his hands on her shoulders to hold her in place, but making sure to not even apply the smallest amount of pressure. "You're right. I was pissed. I'm sorry."
Haley shifted her arms slightly, letting Nathan know to drop his hands from her. He did so, understanding her silent affirmation that he could continue talking. Nathan ran a hand through his hair and Haley could almost feel all of his pent-up frustration. And she knew all of that frustration was directed at her, sexual or otherwise. "I just—I don't know what you want from me, Haley!"
He shouted the last part but immediately looked apologetic for losing his temper again. "I didn't mean that."
She gave him a sad smile. "Yeah, you did."
Nathan stuck his hands in the pocket of his sweatshirt again, looking around uncomfortably. Haley could tell he was trying to ask something but he didn't really want to spit it out. When she saw his eyes on the pavement, she tilted her head slightly, trying to catch his eye, giving him a real, rare, albeit small, smile.
"What?"
He looked up at her, squinting in her direction. "Huh?"
The smile brightened and he noticed. He knew he shouldn't have noticed "What do you want to ask me? You've got that shifty look about you."
"Oh. Dammit, I really hate when you do that," he said, realizing she had read right into his body language.
"Sorry."
"Look," his focus shifted again, his eyes searching out the yard. "Do you want to come in? We can—I don't know, whatever." He looked back toward her. "My dad isn't home yet so it'll be a good time. But I've got to leave for school before he gets back, all right?"
"That's fine," Haley agreed, trying to remain cordial.
"All right." Nathan put his hand up to the back of his head, ruffling his hair uncomfortably, and then turned to lead the way inside. Haley followed him as he led the way in through the side door; her eyes shifted around, taking in the numerous pictures of Nathan and his family lining the walls. And having known Nathan so long, she knew the happy pictures were as fake as the family they displayed.
Nathan stopped and turned to look at Haley. "Do you want to go to my bedroom?"
"Uhm," Haley stopped, totally stricken at the thought of being alone with Nathan in his bedroom, especially after what she had done last night. She fumbled with her hands for a moment before regaining her composure and turning back to look at him. "I'd prefer the kitchen," she said, pointing in its general direction.
Nathan gave her a lopsided smile. "If that's what you want." He continued to make his way through the house, and Haley followed a bit behind him, until they walked into his kitchen. Nathan sat down on one of the stools at the bench style counter, looking up at Haley expectantly. She leaned up against the counter, remaining standing, and ran her fingers through her hair. She felt very odd being this stiff and falsely friendly with Nathan. She really found she preferred the bantering to this nonsense.
"Can I ask you something real quick?" he said, surprising her.
"Uhm—yeah, sure."
"Do you have a tattoo?"
"What?"
"Look, I was really drunk last night and I don't remember everything I said or did, and yeah, I threw up a couple of times this morning so I know I probably imagined some stuff last night, but it's just been bugging me. So, do you have a tattoo of my number or did I imagine that?" He shifted uncomfortably and she knew he hadn't wanted to ask the question at all. She wondered why he needed to know so badly. She wanted it to be because of his ego; she wanted so badly to think that was all he cared about.
It was the perfect chance to lie to him and she knew that. "Yeah, I do," she said instead, turning momentarily and lifting her shirt up just enough for him to see it. To his disappointment, she quickly covered it and turned back around, and he knew why. She didn't really want to share her special tattoo with him. It had been for her Nathan.
"Ok then," he broke through the awkward silence, watching her carefully. "So…"
She looked up at him and the awkwardness of it all forced her to let out a nervous laugh. "Uhm—do you want something to drink?" She left him alone at the bar, going automatically to the cup cabinet and pulling it open, only to find it was stocked with food. She gave Nathan a questioning look.
It took him a moment to catch on and when he did, he looked half-annoyed, half-amused. "They moved everything around in here last year. It took me awhile to get used to it too."
"Oh," Haley replied, slamming the cabinet door shut, feeling flustered. She waved her hands. "Well, I didn't really want a drink anyway."
"Yeah." He sat for a moment in silence and Haley watched the amusement leave his face. "Look, Haley, why did you come over here? What do you want to talk about?"
The subtle change in the tone of his voice to one of annoyance riled Haley quite a bit, but she overlooked it for the moment. Besides, at this point, she almost preferred him to be defensive. She gave up on beating around the bush any longer and sat down on the stool in front of him, putting her head up on her hand to look at him.
"Nathan, I just wanted to apologize."
"You wanted to apologize," he repeated slowly. "For what?"
"Not for last night. I mean, yes, for last night. But not for what pissed you off last night. Leaving was definitely the right move." He rolled his eyes as she continued. "I told you I was imposing this personality on you and trying to use you as a replacement and that's not fair. So I stopped. But that didn't give me a reason to treat you badly. I unloaded a lot onto you and expected you to leave it at that and that wasn't fair either. I know you're not really equipped to deal with this sort of thing and honestly I--"
"What do you mean, 'I'm not equipped to deal with this sort of thing?'" he bit back, interrupting her spiel.
"Well, Nathan, you're not exactly emotionally stable. Any guy who breaks up with his girlfriend of five years and calls for sex has some serious issues, but I assume you realize this."
"Well, thanks, Doctor Phil," Nathan said, getting up from his chair with an angry glint in his eye.
"Nathan, wait," Haley replied, reaching out and grabbing his forearm, as he had done to her on his drunken nights. He stilled and sat back down, her gentle touch abating his anger slightly. "I need to tell you this. I wasn't trying to be your psychiatrist or whatever. I'm sorry."
"I still don't get what you're apologizing for," he admitted.
"I never really stopped to consider your feelings in all this," she finally managed to come up with.
A slight smirk came to his face. "You're concerned about my feelings?"
"Look, you're sober now and I know it's a lot easier for you to put your walls up, but the truth is I've seen that hard, uncaring side of you and I know it's not real. And I'll admit it, I gave up on you, decided you didn't have that side that I already knew you had." She shrugged. "You know, that boy that just wants a family. And if I've somehow teased you or you feel like I've played with you, I just want--"
"Wait up," Nathan said, putting up his hand to signal her to stop. "You think my feelings are hurt? Seriously, Haley?"
Haley rolled her eyes now. "Don't try to play that up with me, Nathan. I'm trying to apologize and tell you it was unfair for me to do what I did. You're going to have to accept it for what it is, take it at face value and move on. I've told Luke about everything, so maybe I can let up on you now. I won't have to put all of this unnecessary pressure on you or make you feel like you have to measure up or whatever it is I'm making you feel that's leading to your drunken rambles. I just wanted to come over here and tell you that to your face; that's all." Haley stood up from her chair, pushing the stool back under the bar and facing him confidently. "I guess I should get going."
Nathan had a slightly glazed-over look on his face and Haley wasn't entirely sure he had even heard what she had said. He seemingly snapped out of it though and crinkled his brow in confusion. "You told Lucas?"
"Yes," she confirmed.
"About everything?"
She nodded.
He blanched slightly. "And he's cool with that?"
"Nathan, look," Haley said, leaning back against the counter towards him. "You should really get to know Lucas. I think you're missing out on an amazing opportunity by denying him as your brother. He's a great guy; I mean, look how readily he believed me."
Nathan stared down at the counter, scraping his nail at a nonexistent spot on it. "Whatever," he murmured. "I believed you first."
"Excuse me?"
"So," he continued, abruptly getting up from his stool as well. "Are we done here?"
"Yes, I mean—I just…Nathan, I probably won't see you again. I don't want to make things difficult for you and there's no need for us to both hurt ourselves in the process. So if there's anything you need to say to me or any lingering feelings or pain I've caused, we just need to put it out there. You can tell me anything you need to."
He looked over her, steady for a moment, his eyes ablaze with passion. He shook his head. "Nothing, Haley. I get drunk and say things to get what I want. I'm not going to lie; part of me wants you. It doesn't change anything, but it is what it is. And you're right, it's better that we don't see each other. I can stop worrying about this bullshit now that your precious Scott brother knows everything. Get back to focusing on my game."
"Nathan, don't be like that." That was all she could really find to say in the moment. Oh, sure, there were so many questions she wanted to ask. Everything he had just said left her emotions up in the air. What did he mean, he wanted her? For sex, to date, for family? If so, why was he so ready to give up that small connection they'd had a chance to make?
Why did she care?
"I need to get going," he replied to her simple statement, not even looking at her, but at the room in the distance. "Before my dad gets home."
"Ok," Haley said, biting her lip nervously. Throwing caution to the wind, she wrapped her arms around Nathan's torso, giving him the briefest of hugs. "Don't sabotage yourself, Nathan. You're better than that." Without another word, Haley turned tail and walked out of the house, up the street, and away from him.
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At first glance, she thought no one was even at the Rivercourt and she found herself pouting slightly. Lucas had said they would all be there. The boys that had made her laugh more in the past few days than she had in months, they should be there. They should be there to warm the chill that was sweeping through her soul—the intense pain she didn't even understand.
She wrapped her arms around herself as she surveyed the empty court. Her confrontation with Nathan had hurt her more than she had thought it would. In an odd way, she found as though they had broken up, though the notion that they were dating was ridiculous even to her own ears. She had to admit to herself she hadn't wanted him to be ok with not seeing her. She wanted it to be misery for him; for the things he had said at the Rivercourt and at the beach house to be true. But now she saw she was only fooling herself.
She was better off without him, she just had to be.
But there was a pleasant surprise awaiting her here. She spotted that she was not, as she had previously thought, alone at the Rivercourt. She bopped up to Skills, not able to truly be happy but loving him enough to fake it.
"Well, well, Mr. Taylor, to what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Haley James," he stated, scooting over to allow her room to sit next to him on the picnic table. "Step into my office."
She laughed slightly, taking a seat next to him and nudging him playfully with her leg. "Where are the guys?"
"They went to the café," he said, twirling a basketball in between his index fingers.
"And why didn't you go?" Haley asked.
"I can't be spending money like that, you know. I'm trying to save up to go to college."
"Oh, Skills, that's really great!" Haley enthused. "You deserve to go to college. You deserve to be happy."
"Yeah," he returned, giving her a sad smile. "I'll be that weird old guy in all the classes. And that's just if I ever save enough."
"No, you won't, Skills! If anything, you'll be the cool old guy," she continued, shoving at him slightly. "And I know you'll get there."
"If anybody can put a good spin on things, it's Haley James," Skills returned.
She laughed sarcastically. "I wish. You know, Karen would have given you something to eat."
"I ain't looking for no hand-outs."
Haley looked around contemplatively for a minute. If anyone could understand her situation, it would be Skills. He deserved more, better than what he had gotten. She wished she could give it to him.
"Do you ever wonder if it could have been different, Skills?"
"How's that, H. James?"
She shrugged, gazing off into the distance. "You know," she turned to look at him, "like say, if you had joined the Ravens and you had been great. Then the college scouts would have been interested and you could have gone to college for free and that's where you'd be now. Don't you ever wonder?"
He laughed. "Yeah, that all sounds real good like that. Like that would have ever happened."
"But what if?"
"Naw, Haley, here's what I figure. You can spend all your time wondering about the past. You can stay there forever and never move forward. Or you can say 'this is what I got,' and go with it. If you're always worried about the past, how you ever gonna find what you need in the present? So I ain't got time to worry about the what-ifs. You gotta live in the nows and the chances you take."
Haley was struck by the mildly prophetic words and took a moment to let them sink in completely. "What if you whole life has become one big 'what-if?'" she asked, turning to look at Skills.
Skills studied her seriously for a moment before bursting out laughing. "Man, some of the stuff you white girls come out with sometimes just don't make no sense."
Haley joined in his laugher, trying to leave it all behind. She didn't want to move on and she definitely wasn't ready to let go. How could someone ask her to let go of her true life—of her love for her husband and son? They were questions too big to answer right now. So, for the moment, she would live in the now, here with Skills.
He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into his side and she leant on his shoulder, still giggling. "You'll get it, Skills. I know you will. You'll make all your dreams come true."
"True that," he agreed.
They sat in silence for a few more moments as the January wind swirled around them. Haley couldn't help but thinking that of all the people in the world she could be around right now, Skills seemed to be the most appropriate one. She knew, without a doubt, that he was the one person who belonged in her world just as much as she did. He deserved to get his dreams and she knew it was unfair that because of a stupid basketball game, he had missed out on them.
And because of that basketball game, she—well, she had missed out on so much more.
She shivered as the question loomed larger in her mind than it ever had before.
Was it time to let it go?
