A/N: Hi, guys. Remember me, Laurie? Thought I was never coming back?...well at times, I thought that as well :)! But I am back with a new chapter and it feels great to be writing again! Why the hiatus, you ask! Writer's block, dear friends, and a complete disinterest in all that is One Tree Hill now, but not Naley! I still love them with all my little heart. You'll see…in this one we're also going to see everyone, Haley especially, acting a bit more college-y. Mostly because I am in college and throwing some in there, but of course there is plot significance as well
"So, what's the best birthday present you've ever gotten?"
Haley glanced at Lucas over the top of her car as she exited it, seeing the mischief behind his eyes. He had been teasing all day about the amazing birthday present he had gotten her.
As she thought about it, he ducked back into the car and pulled out several shopping bags he had picked up during their earlier visit to the mall. He had a few bags they had filled together but he had several more mysterious ones he must have picked up when he had needed to go 'visit' a different part of the bookstore than her. As she slammed the door, she thought about his question.
She laughed when the answer came to her. "Last year, for sure. Jamie made me the most ridiculous card. The outside of it was a basketball…so it was round," she explained, demonstrating the shape for Lucas as they walked toward the door to their apartment. "So Nathan had this brilliant idea that they would paint Jamie's basketball and he could dribble it on the inside of the card as a signature. Well, as you can imagine, we ended up with paint all over the carpet." Haley put her hands to her mouth, trying hard not to laugh too much to finish her story. "I wanted so badly to be angry but the whole thing was so ridiculous, I just laughed. Horrible best present, right?" She grinned guiltily in Lucas' direction.
But Lucas was looking at her with something else in his eyes. Maybe a little pity or jealousy or happiness, she had no idea. "It's hard for you, isn't it?"
She sighed. "Of course it is. There's no way to explain the feeling. Like losing everything important in your life and wondering if you'll ever get it back. Or if you should just pick up the pieces."
Lucas stopped about ten feet from their door and looked hard at her. "And how would you do that?"
Haley stopped dead in her tracks too. She didn't speak for a moment, searching for an answer. The air outside was crisp but a clear moon shone back at her. She had been trying, trying so hard to savor every moment, to live. Just a month ago, she had sat at the Rivercourt and Skills had given her the idea that it was time to move on.
Well, she hadn't done that. Not exactly. But she had been trying harder and harder to enjoy the place she was at now. She was working hard in her classes and learning new things. She spent time with Lucas and shared everything with him. She visited Peyton and even got to know the new Brooke. She had thrown herself even further into tutoring and all of her tutees' grades were improving.
But she missed it every day. How could she not?
"I'm finally living life again," she finally told him. She was struck by how true the words were to her. She hadn't lived life in a long time, even before the whole world had turned upside down. Nathan's accident had affected her greatly; she went through the motions every day, even with her son. It had become too painful to face the truth of what her home life was. When had she become a slave to going through the motions?
She sighed. She still hadn't told Lucas about the accident, the cause of the fight that led her to this very moment. She couldn't find it in herself.
"I'm glad. I just hate that I can't make you happy and I am trying, Hales. I'm trying everything I know. I just don't know how to fix this for you."
Haley smiled sadly and shook her head. "You can't. Luke, I honestly have no idea what I would do without you. Everything means so much to me. I would hug you right now…but you have a ridiculous amount of shopping bags in your hands." She laughed again as she began heading back to the door, ready to leave the conversation behind. She reached into her purse and pulled out the key to the apartment.
Lucas followed behind her and grinned back in a ridiculously large manner as she began to turn the key. "So where do you want to eat tonight, birthday girl?"
She pursed her lips, thinking as she pushed the door open.
"SURPIRSE!"
"AHHHHHHHH!!!!" Haley screamed as people jumped out through the darkness.
Haley only had a moment to be horrified as she looked around at all of her friends standing beneath a green banner, bearing the words 'Happy Birthday!' She looked back at Lucas, who was doubled over in silent laughter. "I'm going to kill you," she said through gritted teeth.
Peyton was also laughing, as she approached Haley, giving her a hug and a "happy birthday!" Right up next to her ear, she said, "I'll go get you a drink…"
***********
Haley burst out in another bout of laughter she wished she could control. She took the ping pong ball Lucas was offering her and prepared to take another shot. She went to take it and stopped. She studied the cup she was aiming for carefully again and dribbled. Just like Nathan would do, she thought to herself. She couldn't help but smile at the thought and prepared again. She shot and arched her hand perfectly. "Follow through," she said out loud as the ball sailed through the air. With perfect precision, the ball rimmed the edge of the cup and fell in.
A cheer went up from the audience in appreciation for her shot. "You suck, Haley," Chad said from across the table, as he fished the ball out.
"Look, Luke, I'm a college student!" Haley shouted excitedly to her best friend, standing right next to her.
"I'm standing right here, Haley," Lucas said, closing off his ears. "And now we're only losing five to one."
Haley threw her hands up in triumph anyway. "Doesn't matter, my one," she pointed out. "I'm a champ."
"She's a champ!" Brooke yelled from her spot in the front of the crowd. "But I've got next game," she said, threateningly to the other onlookers.
"You can finish this one, I'm already a champ!" Haley told her excitedly. She scuttled away from the kitchen and into the den, spotting Peyton sitting on a couch. She heard Lucas, Marcus, and Chad trying to call her back to the game from the other room, but she decided to ignore them. Instead, she plopped down next to Peyton.
"Peyton, I've never been this drunk before in my life," she whispered to her friend.
"No surprises there," Peyton replied.
"I didn't do this in college," Haley told her.
"You're in college right now, dear."
"I am. Isn't it weird? Like I'm supposed to be living the life I never had the chance to live, right?"
Peyton squinted her eyes at Haley. "Haley, I know you're drunk, but what on God's green earth are you talking about?"
Haley leaned her head onto Peyton's shoulder. "I'm tired, Peyt. Sometimes I feel like I'm acting all the time."
"Acting?" Peyton adjusted her arm so it was drooped over Haley's shoulder. She had no idea if Haley was drunkenly rambling or if every word was an honest admission. She needed to be careful. "How?"
"For Lucas. So he thinks I'm ok. I am ok," she assured her, nodding against her shoulder. "It's just all these people. All this pressure to be their Haley. This party just makes it harder. I'm trying, but can I really be this?"
"Be what?"
Haley felt her heart drop a little. She pulled her head back and looked longer at Peyton. "This Haley. And without him. I haven't talked to him in a month."
"What? Talked to who?" Peyton felt truly invested in the conversation. She knew Haley wasn't quite sure what she was saying but she was definitely saying something. Peyton felt a deep urge to help her new friend. She knew what it felt like to be trapped. "Is this about Lucas? Maybe you should talk to him."
Haley was no longer really listening. She was stuck in a world, drunken or not, simply trying to make sense for herself. "That's good, right? Moving on. I'm moving on. Maybe this isn't my life now…but it's my life for now. Look, I'm just a regular college kid. I've never been that before." Frown lines became apparent on Haley's face and without knowing what she was doing, Peyton reached her hand up to touch Haley's cheek.
"Are you ok?"
Haley put her head down, to where Peyton could no longer see her eyes. However, she felt a single tear slide down, caressing her finger and then her palm. "Don't miss him. Don't think about him. He's not. He can't be. He doesn't care," Haley chanted, so low Peyton barely could make out what she was saying.
"Hales…"
Haley looked up again quickly and wiped away the trail the tear had left. "Don't tell Lucas. He hates him," Haley said, grabbing Peyton's forearm from her face. "You promise?"
Peyton's brow furrowed but she was too concerned to question her anymore. "I promise, Haley."
"Lucas!" Haley shouted, immediately dropping her seriousness for a smile.
Lucas appeared over Peyton's shoulder, laughing, and scooped Haley up from the couch. She wrapped her arms around him and barely managed not to hit the ground as she stumbled up. "Did we win?"
"I think you need to put her to bed," Peyton told him behind her shoulder. Lucas nodded to this suggestion.
"Haley, I think it's your bed time."
"Where's my phone?" she asked worriedly as Lucas began to escort her toward the back of their apartment.
"In your pocket," he replied, trying to hide a smile.
Lucas let go of her to open the bedroom door and she fished her phone out of her pocket. She flipped it open and squinted at the screen.
"What are you doing?" Lucas asked, trying to gently push her towards her bed.
She sat down and pulled him down next to her. "I can't remember his number."
"What?" He looked at the front screen of her phone, where she was typing in random numbers.
"I thought I would never forget it as much as he called," she complained, trying to come up with the correct combination and constantly erasing. "Luke," she turned to look at him desperately. "I just can't remember it."
"Nathan." He wasn't asking.
"A month."
"Excuse me?"
"It's been a month since we last talked. Twenty-seven days. He really doesn't need me."
"You don't need him."
Haley shook her head. "No, not about needing. It's about wanting. It's about that empty place where he should be. It's him. Isn't it?"
Lucas didn't know what to say. He had a hard time ever understanding what was going on anymore but looking into his eyes, even in the darkness, she knew he knew he was wrong about Nathan. She leaned into him further as he put his arm around her.
"I just thought he would come back. I never thought we could stay apart."
"Hales, maybe he doesn't know how to come back," Lucas suggested. "He's had all these years without you. Maybe he doesn't need you. Maybe he can't come back because it's not right."
Haley slammed her phone shut in frustration. "You're siding with him now?" She threw the phone across the room and it slammed rather violently into the wall. Haley felt better at its demise. It had provided useless in her time of need.
"Haley!" Lucas jumped up from his spot to where she had thrown the phone, looking to see if the damage was repairable. Haley prayed it wasn't.
"Stupid phone deserves to die," she muttered, crossing her arms.
Lucas sighed, picking up the pieces of her phone and placing them on her bedside table. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, Haley could see the frustration on her face. She knew she had caused it but seemed unable to feel the guilt she knew she should. The alcohol was hindering her emotions and bringing out a side she was terrified to let anyone see. Deep down, she knew it, but there was no way to stop it.
Lucas came to stand in front of her. "Hales, I just wanted for you to have a good birthday. Tell me what I did wrong." He even sounded a little desperate, she thought.
"Nothing will ever be right here," she returned.
Lucas looked pained, as he squatted down in front of her, putting his hands on her thighs. "You said you were trying, Haley. You said you could build a life here and I'm trying to help you. We can figure this out."
"Lucas, look at me. I'm a twenty-two year-old college student. I'm drunk at my birthday party, attempting to make drunk dials to a boy who doesn't even want me. There's nothing special about me anymore. I'm average, just like everybody else. My life is nothing."
"So, I'm nothing." Even though he sounded mostly hurt, Haley was able to easily detect the anger in his voice. She knew she should stop herself from going on, but she couldn't. The words were too real, too there. The pain was too raw and fresh.
She looked him square in the eyes. "I hate it here." She felt the venom dripping off every word. It was hard to believe the words were even coming out of her mouth but she finally felt real. She felt the life in every flick of her tongue, the confidence in saying what was real. She was tired of hiding.
Lucas' jaw clenched in a way that was so Nathan-like, Haley almost wanted to cry. He took his hands off her, stood up from his kneeling position, and stepped back, an angry fire in his eyes that was most uncharacteristic of him. Haley felt more satisfaction in this. "You know how hard I'm trying. You're being selfish!"
"You have forbidden me from the one person who makes me feel like myself again. You make me feel like some sort of criminal for wanting to be around him. You, Peyton, everybody! You're the selfish one!"
They stared at each other in silence for a moment. Haley immediately saw Lucas trying to reel himself in, remembering she was drunk and alone and sad. A frustrated hand swept through his hair as he tried to regain composure. "Where is this coming from? You said you ended it. you said he didn't want you in his life and you were both better off."
Haley felt some of her fire immediately leave her. She looked down at her hands. "He doesn't," she whispered to her wedding ring.
She could hear the triumph in his next words: "Then why is it all about him?"
Haley shrugged, looking up to find his eyes again using only the moonlight shining in through her blinds. "Because he's the only thing that made me special."
Lucas pointed an accusatory finger at her. "If you believe that, you're not the girl I thought you were. You're not the same Haley I knew."
Haley got up from the bed and glared back at him. "You don't know me." She turned away then, reaching down into her wardrobe on the opposite wall, pretending to look for a pair of pajamas, but really just waiting on him to leave.
She could feel him staring at her back and heard his words carrying across the room, seeing them in her mind's eye floating from his mouth to her ear, maybe being heard by the broken phone. The only line of communication she had with him, lost…with both of them.
"Haley, I can't be mad at you, but that's all I feel right now. I'm just going to go. We'll talk later. Happy birthday." She heard him turn and exit the room and the door close softly behind her. Breathing a sigh of relief, she pushed the drawer she had been perusing closed and got into bed without taking off her clothes, laying stomach down, to be swallowed by frustration.
She put her face into her pillow and let out a muffled scream. "Being drunk sucks," she muttered into her pillow. She turned her face over, staring at the broken phone on her bedside table. Her head spun for a moment and it came to her. "919-378-0208."
It wasn't like it mattered anymore anyway. What good would calling him have honestly done? None. She closed her eyes, fishing for one good Nathan memory. She closed her eyes and rode away with it.
Beach house…winter time. Him kissing her against the shelf, her legs around his waist. Drunkenly stumbling toward the bed. "I've missed you, Nathan."
Her eyes shot open. That wasn't the right memory. That was this Nathan. That was all wrong.
She wanted to scream all over again. She hadn't felt this young and ridiculous since…well, since she had fallen in love for the first and only time.
None of it was right…none of it would ever be right.
And she had hurt Lucas, but she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't be his Haley.
Not when it wasn't right. "What is right?"
Nathan.
"He's gone."
Hearing her own voice speak the words crushed her more than anything. What good was moving on if it was only to be hung up on some twisted version of her Nathan?
Her head spun. Did she really want him?
It doesn't matter, she thought firmly.
She buried her face in the pillow again. No wonder she had been so ready to become another college student dependent on an alcoholic crutch tonight. In the last month, she had been subduing so much of herself, pretending to "savor" moments. When she finally spoke the truth, she was alive. When she stopped crying, she was living.
But she couldn't go after Nathan. Not when she had promised him she would leave him alone; when he had said that was what he truly wanted.
But maybe…
She shook her head. No maybes.
"He doesn't want you, he doesn't want you…"
She fell asleep chanting her mantra.
A/N: So there we have it. I don't feel like it's exactly coming back with a bang but it may take some time before I can be right back to where I was. I don't know when the next chapter will be, but I'm hoping never this long again; less than six months :) I am sure.
If you're wondering why it takes me so long to churn out chapters now, it is a variety of things. School, work, a little too much partying. But it wasn't all fun and games…I did research. About this time last year I started seeing a cocky, alcoholic, annoying college athlete and it's been nothing if not complicated ever since. See, me and Haley have a type. Haha, sorry for the ridiculously long author's note, but I hope you all understand my long absence but also that I have a commitment to getting this story finished. Let me know what you thought of the chapter. All things good, Laurie
