I repeat this IS a MerDer story. No worries. Here's part 12 out of 20.

Part twelve

Somehow the usually cheerful Shepherd brownstone seemed dark and painful, even from the outside. She paused for a moment before entering; feeling that somehow if she didn't see the tears in the people's eyes it wouldn't come true. And then she took a breath and walked the remaining steps.

She was greeted by Holly throwing her arms around her. She heard a crying baby in the background, and then saw a distraught Steve coming to greet her while trying desperately to console his son. Nancy was there with her husband, Mrs. and Mr. Shepherd also. Mrs. Shepherd kept serving food that no one seemed to be able to touch. She held herself together though she was obviously on the edge of falling apart.

In the living room sat Addison and Derek. He didn't look up when she came in. He just kept staring at the wall in front of him. He was expressionless though tears were evident in his eyes. Addison seemed a little out of place, like she didn't quite know how to react. She just sat there and held Derek's hand. Her outfit, hair and makeup impeccable as always.

Like she'd expected, seeing them made it all real. All of a sudden she didn't feel numb anymore. She felt the pain, the loss, the anger... everything. She quickly excused herself, not wanting them to see her broken down. But Mrs. Shepherd followed her, and held her as they both broke down and sat crying and sobbing on the kitchen floor. There were no words spoken. There was really nothing to say. No one could make sense of it. Life was truly cruel.

About an hour after she got there Addison's pager went off and she was needed at the hospital. Derek barely acknowledged her as she said goodbye, he just kept staring at that wall. A little later, Holly and Nancy went back home to their families.

Mrs. Shepherd made the bed in Holly's old room for Meredith, she couldn't imagine staying in Allie's bed. She made dinner, but no one ate. As the night fell down Steve decided to head home and put little Ben to bed. Mrs. Shepherd decided to go with them and stay the night, not wanting Steve to be alone and Mr. Shepherd went also after Meredith had assured him that she'd be fine on her own. She prayed to God Derek would go with them, or just go home but he seemed hell bent on staying. She was distraught enough as it was and not at all in a shape to deal with being stuck in a house with him alone.

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He'd gone through every emotion in the last ten hours. Numbness, anger, hurt, loss and now need. He could sense her as soon as she walked in. But he couldn't look at her. Looking at her would lead to staring at her, which would lead to wanting her, which would lead to needing her which would lead to simply taking her. And he couldn't take her with his wife holding his hand, his mother serving food and his favorite little nephew crying over the loss of his mother. So he waited. An hour. Then two. When his mother had decided to stay with Steve he'd encouraged his father to do the same.

It was wrong, he knew that much. He was a good man. He was faithful to his wife. He knew she was engaged. But in that moment that didn't mean anything. It didn't make any difference. Because in that moment a person he loved so much had been taken from him and he needed to forget. To not remember for just a little while.

The world was on fire and

no one could save me but you.

It's strange what desire

will make foolish people do.

And when he heard the front door close he dared to look at her. The only person who could help him forget.

I never dreamed that I'd

love somebody like you.

And I never dreamed that I'd

lose somebody like you

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He hadn't looked her way all night but now he was staring at her. The same way he had four years ago, like he could see straight through her. And then he stood up from the sofa and started to walk to her where she stood leaning against the wall. He didn't stop until he was standing directly in front of her; his eyes staring straight into hers. Her heart was beating so fast and her breath had become ragged. He was so close she could smell him, feel his warm breath on her skin. He didn't say anything as he just stared at her.

And then his lips were on hers. Urgent. Desperate. He pushed passed the barriers of her lips and delved into her mouth without asking for permission. She kissed him back, not even thinking of fighting it. She knew it was a lost cause. And feeling him touch her felt like coming into a warm house after spending years out in the cold.

What a wicked game to play

to make me feel this way.

What a wicked thing to do

to let me dream of you.

His hands found her hips and he pulled her to him firmly. She could feel his hard body against hers, his need for her pressing against her stomach. "Just tell me to stop," he whispered as he moved his lips down her neck.

"No, please don't," she whimpered, her voice on the edge of breaking as the tears threatened to fall.

He pulled back and looked at her. God, she was still beautiful. There was that desperation in her eyes, like she was pleading with him not to let her go. And at that point he couldn't. He was too far gone. He crashed his lips down on hers again, and picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist. He started to walk towards the stairs and then to his bedroom, making her his again.

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She began to fidget with the buttons of his shirt, needing to feel him, his bare skin against hers as they both fell down on his bed. She was straddling him as his hands made their way to the hem of her shirt, sliding underneath it. When she'd finished taking off his shirt, he slid her shirt over her head revealing her breast spilling out of a simple black lace bra that quickly joined the growing pile of clothes on the floor next to the bed. Soon the only thing separating them was the thin piece of fabric covering her mound.

She got lost in the sensation of feeling his lips and fingers touching her everywhere. The feel of his tongue on her nipple as he sucked on it gently and of his fingers on her thighs. It sent little shivers all over her body, eliciting little moans from her mouth. The look in his eyes was dark and intent as he watched the pleasure curse through her.

"I've wanted this for so long," he whispered into her ear as he caught the small lobe between his teeth.

What a wicked thing to say

you never felt this way.

What a wicked thing to do

to make me dream of you.

She ignored his words, not wanting to hear lies and promises. She just wanted to feel. His chest against hers. His cock pressing against her center. His breath on her neck. Anything but the pain of losing what she loved so much.

He hooked his fingers on her panties and she lifted her butt as he lowered them down her legs. He looked up at her in awe. She was like a goddess; the long blonde tresses of hair falling down her shoulders, her full breasts, the curve of her hips, her swollen lips and the darkened eyes.

"Oh, god," he moaned as she teased his cock with her wetness before finally lowering herself down on him.

"Derek," she winced a little as she felt his large size entering her, a lot bigger than what she was used to now. After a moment of adjusting she started to move her hips, forming little figures of eight.

She bit down on her lip and threw her head back as she road him. His eyes were fixed on the way her breasts bounced up and down. Then without warning he grabbed her hips and rolled them over so that he was on top of her and thrust into her hard and deep making her scream out his name in the mix of pain and pleasure, the latter soon taking over, her eyes squeezed shut.

"I need you to open your eyes," he grunted as he thrust into her again.

"I don't want to," she breathed.

"Open them," he ordered.

She slowly opened her eyes, seeing his stormy ones staring into her. She had no idea why he so desperately wanted her to look at him and she definitely didn't know where this submissive side of her came from but it seemed as though he had something to with it. He grabbed her lower lip between his teeth and bit down on it gently as his thrusts became harder and faster.

"Oh, God," she cried as she came closer to her peak.

"Meredith!"

"God!" She yelled as she came hard, her walls clamping down on him.

"Ohhh," he moaned as he followed her over the edge, spilling into her.

He held her pinned beneath him as their breathing slowed. As she came down from her peak she didn't forget anymore. As he lay on top of her and stared into her eyes, reality came crashing down on her. She looked up at him in desperation as the tears started to form in her eyes.

He gently rolled off of her and pulled her into his arms as she started to sob harder, falling apart in his arms. There was nothing he could say, so he just tightened his grip on her, intent on never letting her go again.