A/N: REVISED. I apologize for any grammatical errors and I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 11

The reopening of the Host Club went much too well, so well in fact that a few girls and even some boys had to be turned away with the promise that they would be priority the next club day. The girls fluttered about like excited butterflies attaching themselves to their favorite and sorely missed hosts. Haruhi breathed deeply before silently telling herself as she had all day, that she had made the right decision. She felt ready, but as she looked around at the worried faces of her fellow hosts she realized that despite Tamaki's enthusiasm, perhaps they were not.

They had stationed her in Tamaki's usual spot on the love-seat in the center of the room, safely encircled by them all so that they could keep an eye on her. There was a tension in the room that even some of their customers could feel and Haruhi's only solution was to play her part as a host.

She smiled at the two boys and girl who sat at her table as she rested her hand on the handle of the tea pot, "Would anyone like some tea?"

The girl Sachi and one of the boys Eiji nodded with smiles of their own, watching as she served them with a practiced ease and grace. For almost an hour she lost herself in the frivolity of being a host and was able to live in the moment, no matter how simple.

"He is so very handsome, isn't he Haruhi?"

Haruhi tilted her head in question, "They're all quite handsome, which one may I ask are you referring to?"

Sachi laughed, "Hani of course! I mean, he was always cute, adorable really." Sachi turned to look over at Hani's corner, "I can't call him adorable anymore…I mean just look at him!"

Haruhi smiled and turned towards Hani, and for a moment she forgot where she was and that there were people around her. She watched as one of the many girls around him ran her fingers through his already messy blond hair. She only had sight of Hani's profile, but she could see him grin down at the pretty girl. Haruhi had never experienced jealousy before, she had never really been in the position to be jealous and she could say with a surety that it was an ugly feeling. She wasn't sure how to process it or how to react but she really wished the girl would keep her hands to herself. She slowly shook her head trying to rid herself of her train of thought. She was being silly, Hani did not belong to her and the last thing she needed was another negative emotion to overcome.

"Haruhi? Are you okay?"

All the hosts simultaneously turned towards her when they heard her name and Haruhi tried to ignore them as she turned away from Hani to answer Tadashi, who was staring at her with worry in his eyes. "Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes…I apologize."

She tensed when he leaned forward and swept a piece of her hair behind her ear, his fingers lingering on her earlobe. "There's no need to apologize Haruhi."

She tilted her head and shied away from him, trying not to insult him as she asked, "What were you saying before Tadashi sempai?"

"Just Tadashi."

Haruhi tried to hide how uncomfortable she was becoming as she smiled and nodded her head, "Tadashi then."

"I was asking if perhaps you would like to accompany me to my families benefit with me. It's in three days and I know its short notice, but I would be honored if you would agree to be my date."

Haruhi looked down at the table, trying to hide from the expectant look in his eyes as he awaited her answer. She had no reason to tell him no, in fact saying yes was probably something that Kaede would encourage if Haruhi felt that she was ready for it. Tadashi was kind and smart, he was always so respectful and never once treated her differently because of her lack of fortune. She should say yes, if only to try to experience her life outside of the shelter she had created for herself. In another world, where Hani didn't exist she may have considered accepting his invitation, but to do so would be wrong. To say yes would send Tadashi the wrong message and she couldn't do that.

Haruhi looked back up at him with an apology already in her eyes and ready on her lips, but her answer was overshadowed by a voice behind her.

"It was kind of you to ask Tadashi, but Haruhi has other plans."

Tadashi raised his brow, "Oh? Haruhi?"

Haruhi first looked up at Hani as he stared down Tadashi, her brow furrowing in confusion. She didn't have plans, but she still asked, "I do?"

Hani smiled down at her, "Don't you remember Haruhi? That day has already been promised to me, and Tadashi," his smile never faltering as he looked back at the younger boy, "she will be much too exhausted let alone sore to go anywhere with you. In fact, all her days and nights belong to me so as flattering as your offer may be, the answer is no."

Tadashi's face was beat red as he looked between Hani and an utterly confused Haruhi. "Oh…I see. I apologize, I wasn't aware that she was already —"

Before he could finish Hani interrupted with the same smile and a much too polite, "Well, now you are. So, in the future, to avoid confrontation, know that you can flatter and flirt, but you cannot touch and you certainly will never have."

Tadashi nodded, "Understood."

Haruhi was more than a bit puzzled by the exchange, especially because it seemed that more was being said with their eyes than their actual words. She watched as Tadashi scooted his chair back and nodded his head at her with a smile that was much too forced, "It was a pleasure Haruhi."

As Tadashi walked away she turned to Sachi whose eyes were wide with glee and whispered, "I don't understand."

She turned her confusion back on Hani who looked down at her with his amber eyes wide and so very innocent, "And what plans? Why would I be sore and exhausted?"

Eiji choked on nothing while Sachi blushed and giggled madly, but both looked confused as well by Hani's answer anyway.

"I promised to teach you how to defend yourself remember. You told me to name a day and I had three days from now all planned out. You are bound to be both sore and exhausted after we are done and certainly not up for a night of dancing…unless you would prefer…to go with Tadashi?"

Haruhi watched as Hani's eyes darkened and though she didn't fully understand what had just happened, she instinctively knew what Hani was asking. "No…no, I prefer you."

~oOo~

Haruhi had been to Hani's house several times, she had even sat at his unnecessarily large dinner table and eaten with his family. She had slept in the guest room and even walked in their personal gardens, but of all the times she had been in Hani's home she had never been in their personal dojo. It was traditionally built and huge, set off to the side of the property a good distance away from the main house. She wondered if they had built it to look imposing, because whoever had seen to its construction had succeeded.

"I know, unnecessary right."

Haruhi grinned at Hani, "Completely unnecessary."

He reached forward and slid the shoji open, stepping to the side to allow her entry. She looked around the room, taking notice that the walls were not bare like most dojos but decorated with weapons, some looking nearly ancient.

"They belong to my ancestors, we're lucky to still have them."

"What do you mean?"

He looked around, "Well, during WWII the Americans came in and started confiscating all the weapons. They didn't realize that most of them were heirlooms or as valuable as they were and were melted down for various reasons. Before they could take my families, my grandfather hid them away and replaced them with cheap replacements. To give the Americans credit, when they finally realized how precious the swords were, they worked to fix their mistake, but by then so many had been destroyed. If not for my grandfather's quick thinking then we may have lost ours as well."

Haruhi stared up at the swords, amazed at how close a call the history in the room had come to being destroyed.

"Are you ready?"

She gave him a small nod and let him lead her to the middle of the room, "We will start with basics."

"Basics?"

"Stances, blocks and strikes. Depending on how far you want to go we can try a few basic releases and hand to hand blocking exercises. We will save mat and bag work for later."

All Haruhi could do was nod and look around nervously. She jerked her head up towards Hani when he touched her arm, her jumpiness making him pull back with hands raised to show her he wasn't a threat. "Hey, we don't have to do this today if you aren't ready."

Haruhi swallowed her guilt. She trusted Hani completely and she knew he would never hurt her, so she sighed and shook her head, "No, I'm ready. I can do this."

Hani tilted her head up with his index finger, "Not if you aren't up for it. I know you want to do this, but don't force yourself to take a step that you aren't really ready for. If we do this eventually you are going to be put in positions where you are vulnerable and it could…it could bring up things you would prefer not to remember. I know you know I would never hurt you, but this is very hands on…just know all the decisions are yours. You are in control."

She reached up and grabbed the hand that kept her face raised, her little fingers wrapped around it, cupping it as she raised it to her mouth to kiss his knuckles. She watched his lashes flutter as he stared down at his hand that she held to her lips, his own lips parting in a question, "Haruhi?"

"I need this Hani. I need to be able to know that I have a fighting chance…because every time I fought back when he held me down or threw me around it was like he felt nothing. I would swing and kick, I would bite and claw and it didn't matter. He was stronger than me and I didn't know how to defend myself against that. I'm small and not strong physically, but I want to at least have the knowledge that you have, should I ever need it. Please…please Hani."

It was painful to hear Haruhi recall her experiences; he could almost see her tear streaked face twisted in panic, her big eyes wide with fear and pain as she fought to free herself from that monster. She had never once spoken to him about what had been done to her and if it hurt to hear it, he couldn't imagine how it must be to live with the memory of it. He didn't know what to do for her in that moment, so he did what he needed for himself. He pulled her into his arms and reminded himself that she was real and she was alive.

Hani had grown up knowing he was the strongest person in the room; he had always carried a confidence inside of him that no one could physically stand up to him and win. He couldn't even pretend to know what it was to fight back and it not matter, but the very idea of feeling weak against someone like Kimura made him feel sick. Hani would try his best to make Haruhi feel strong on the outside, so that maybe some of her fears would be alleviated. He wanted her to know the same confidence he had when being faced with someone who thought they could hold him down.

"You don't have to beg me Haruhi. If this is what you want, then I promise I will do my best to help you."

She wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his shirt, "Thank you Hani."

~oOo~

"I'm in love with Hani."

Kaede tilted her head encouragingly and asked, "Are you?"

Haruhi looked over at her, "Yes— I've heard the term 'fall in love' so many times and it never meant anything to me. I always thought 'falling in love' was such a ridiculous phrase, even my dad who is the world's biggest romantic thinks so. He says that if a person can fall in love then they can certainly fall out of it…he told me that it's so much better to feel love grow. If it grows then you can grow with it, it will never consume you and it will always be the best choice that you could possibly make in your life. That's how it was Kaede, it was slow and I felt it all. I know I am still a child in your eyes, that if I was your daughter you would probably tell me that I am too young to know what love is…but my father loved my mother when he was fifteen and even though she is gone she is still the love of his life. I think that that is what Hani is to me."

Kaede smiled at Haruhi's back, "I would like for you to know I met my husband on the playground when I was eight, but it wasn't until I was sixteen that I realized I loved him. It was slow and yes, I felt every little bit of it. Love isn't restricted by age, it may be better understood and handled depending on maturity, but it is still felt. If you love Hani then who am I to tell you otherwise and if you were my daughter, I would guide you. I wouldn't try to diminish how you feel because you are young."

Haruhi walked away from the window to sit on the couch, "Thank you…"

Kaede could see Haruhi's trepidation so she asked, "Is there something else?"

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly Haruhi cleared her throat, "I am attracted to Hani. I trust him completely and I... damn it. I want to be able to kiss him, to touch him without fear that when I close my eyes I won't have a panic attack. I want to have a relationship, my first relationship without the shadow of that son of a bitch following me everywhere. I know it is supposed to take time but I feel…I feel like I am shattered in a gazillion pieces and no matter how many of those pieces I put back together I look down and there is still a billion more."

Tears of frustration and sorrow fell from her eyes in endless streams, her voice cracking beneath the weight of her emotions, "This isn't about sex—I remember what you said last time. I'm not ready for that yet, but I want to be able to be in a normal relationship with Hani. I want to be able to love him like he deserves."

Kaede stood up and for the first time walked around the coffee table and sat down beside Haruhi, wrapping her arm around her shoulder and hugging her to her side. "His shadow will fade away Haruhi and I know how hard it is to see it right now, but one day you will be able to leave him in the past. There are things we leave behind because they have no place in our future and one day you will realize, that you no longer look to the past because everything you need and love, you kept with you. You are too strong to drag that man with you into a future where he doesn't belong."

Haruhi turned her face into Kaede's shoulder, sobbing but listening and holding on to each word Kaede said like a life line.

"Some people look at the gazillion pieces of themselves and all they are able to do is stare. It doesn't make them weak or irreparable, they just don't know how to pick up the shards of themselves or don't believe that they can move forward. Haruhi, what makes you different? Why do you reach out and pick up the pieces even when you feel like it is useless?"

Kaede reached out for a tissue on the table and gently wiped away the wetness from Haruhi's face, watching as the young girl genuinely searched for an answer. As the clock ticked loudly, Kaede continued to hold her patient as she had done her daughter on several occasions and listened with a smile as Haruhi further proved why she was so strong.

"I'm not alone. I may be in a gazillion pieces and it hurts all the time, but standing beside me…all around me is my dad, my friends, Hani…even you. I look down at the pieces and even though it seems endless and I feel so tired sometimes, the time…the effort…the energy it takes is worth it. It's worth it because I want a future…when I am not having nightmares I dream of my future."

Kaede lifted Haruhi's head, her hands cupping her cheeks gently, "And that is why you will be fine Haruhi…because you're still dreaming and you are one hell of a fighter."

Haruhi sniffed and looked up unsure of what to say, completely surprising Kaede when she hiccupped and whispered, "Hani insinuated that we were going to sleep together because he was jealous of a boy who asked me out. It took me a while to figure it out, but I think I should be mad. What do you think?"

Kaede tried not to giggle, "Are you mad?"

"No."

"Well then, there you go."

A/n: I decided I wanted to explore a bit of jealousy on Haruhi's part. Also, the little history lesson about the swords is true, I learned about it from a documentary. I hope you liked it, let me know what you think.

Thank you.

~Inari