Disclaimer: It's in the first chapter. We don't think you need to read it all over again. Nothing's changed. Tolkien's stuff still ain't ours…
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Fiona
Have you ever had something happen that was so freaky, and you were so glad that it didn't happen to you? Like watching that hunky surfer dude get eaten by a shark while he's surfing? Or that bitchy girl at school fall down the stairs, making a complete fool of herself and waking up with all four limbs covered in plaster, a nose that will be permanently stuck at an odd angle? Damn, it sounds just too good to be true!
Probably 'cause it isn't. Sorry, I drifted off dreaming again. I'm had some really weird dreams lately…watching my best friend get run over by a semi-trailer in a completely quiet back street, and the misfortune to watch as she got transported to Middle Earth. No shit- I swear it's all true!! You know how I know it's true? 'Cause I got run over by the semi trailer too. I was with her the whole time.
Middle Earth is a beautiful place, you know? And it's not hard to figure out where you are- just ask one of the dozens of people fleeing from the ugly bunyips or whatever they were- orcs, as I found out later. Of course, I didn't know where I was at the time, so my ignorance is understandable. Anyhow, all you have to do is wait until the orcs shoot one of the poor running sods down, and then they run on without noticing you standing behind a knee-height rock before you dash out to the dying person, grabbing his shirt and saying desperately… "Where the fark are we?"
The guy opens his mouth and replies, "Tell Hathor that I love her…"
The moment is incredibly sad, sweet and sickening as the guy's head falls back and his eyes glaze over and you know he's dead. There's complete silence, though you can hear the rest of the buggers around you screaming in pain, and you're left thinking, 'Who the heck is Hathor?'
Rhiannon- that'd be my best friend- picks up another dying man's tunic and pulls him up to her face, as he's screaming, drool, bleeding in the mouth and yells at him, "JUST TELL ME WHERE THE HELL WE ARE!!"
This guy's a little more co-operative. "I don't know! Nobody taught me-"
"A general answer would be good," Rhiannon says falsely sweet.
"That I do know- Middle Earth. Now will you-" He begins to choke and then becomes a deadweight- pun not intended- in Rhiannon's hands, so she drops him.
"Middle Earth," we repeat in unison.
Now I suppose you want to know how it is that we got hit by a semi-trailer truck? Well, Rhiannon and I had walked down to the shops- by the way, she was at my house, and the rest of my family had gone out shopping, leaving us to type our crap at home (hey, we were 18 years old! They can trust us!)- to get some chocolate…the perfect inspiration for fan fiction writing.
We were walking home; it wasn't dark- nobody walks the streets after dark in my area…too many pricks out and about at that time. So we were on our way back, the house in sight, crossed the road…thinking back now I remember hearing a car or something coming, but I assumed it was going to turn into one of the other streets, and I was more interested in the funny story Rhiannon was telling me (can't remember what it was now…that happens when you get run over), so when I heard the horn, I stopped and stared up at the oncoming truck, frozen in place like a kangaroo entranced by the headlights of the car about to smash into it.
Just to clarify a few points, yes I'm Australia. No we don't say "G'Day, Mate" to everyone we see. In fact, we're more likely to them to "get the f*** out of the way, dickhead" or "Move over, granny, the road is for people who can DRIVE"…back to the main event. Standing there and not moving- Rhiannon in much the same situation, I imagine- we added ourselves to the long list of "Roadkill".
Surprisingly, death didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It's the dying that's painful, and given the speed of the truck, dying didn't take very long.
We saw the ambulances arrive, long after the truck had driven off…at last, I had my answer to the question "do truck drivers really use pedestrians as yet another speed bump?"
Anyhow, a couple of my more friendly neighbours were with us, afraid to touch us- I don't touch roadkill either…you've no idea where it's been- and the ambulance people came and tried to save us, but ended up declaring us dead. Rhiannon and I were watching this- spirits do watch over the real world you know. But at the time, we weren't entirely sure.
When the paramedics gave up and covered us with those white sheets you always see them putting on dead people in movies, and put us on the ambulances, I could only think of one word.
'Damn.'