Chapter XI.
Memories and atonements.
Synopsis: Resistance scatters across the galaxy. Rey believes that Ben Solo isn't dead. Finn re-joins the Resistance. Poe can't accept the fact that the Resistance now has to protect their former enemy.
As they disembarked, he stopped with eyes fixed on one point.
It was the "Falcon", with Chewie fixing some outward damage on its shell.
Rey said: "Don't worry, he won't do anything. Just keep your distance".
Ben shook his head.
"I'm not afraid", he answered, and then glanced back at her with that dark humor again in his eyes, "And perhaps it would solve all your problems, so why not?"
"I told you not to push it", she replied, but felt his humor was somewhat addictive.
"Ask him if I can see the ship", he said suddenly, "And ask him why he didn't kill me on that bridge".
Rey shook her head, startled.
"It's impossible", she said, "Maybe later, when he's not around".
"Wookies are sensitive", he replied slowly and cautiously, "Anything you do, do it with their permission".
And as if he overheard them from that distance, Chewbacca turned and made an instant, horrifying growl that made couple of Resistance fighters almost stumble.
But then his growl turned to sad and low howl. In frustration, he threw away the screwdriver he was holding in his mighty paw, the object swirling and falling with a big bang. Chewbacca left, leaving the "Falcon" open. He didn't turn around to look back.
Rey asked softly: "What did he say?"
Ben shook his head.
"Nothing", he murmured, "Just some dysfunctional family re-union issues. Don't bother with it. Everyone involved is dead anyway".
It was the strangest of things Rey has experienced so far. Ben strode in front of her and she followed as he climbed to the "Falcon". The old ship had that distinct smell of old and many times welded metal, of oil and of fuel. And something more – the layer upon layer of different memories, discernible only to the Force sensitive.
He went to the cockpit, but couldn't bring himself to go inside, as if he was standing before an altar of a long forgotten religion.
He observed the control and the navigation ardently and for some time. Rey was somewhat tensed. What is she doing? What is she allowing to happen? But that stream of Force that felt good and right pushed her gently forward, murmuring this was something that should be done, and that this time is the only right time to do it.
He reached with his hand, timidly, and touched Han's lucky dices, still hanging from the top.
Slowly, she moved herself to his side. It was a face she never saw before on him. Through the veils of rage and resentment, there was something else: grief and bitter-sweet memories.
"I used to play here as a child", he said softly, not looking at her, "You can imagine how lucky one boy can be if your dad is Han Solo himself, your mother is the famous warrior princess Leia, and your uncle the very mighty Jedi Master Luke Skywalker".
Slowly and with a painful expression on his face (his injured bones hurt), he lowered himself to pilot's seat. It suited him well – it suited him perfectly, actually.
Rey was left standing there, confounded.
"I loved this ship", he said, trying the grip of the steering. Fleeting joy passed through him and Rey could feel it – but again, the old shadow came back.
"And then I hated it", he said with a low growl, "I hate it still".
"It is but a passing shadow", she replied, trying to sound as gently as she could. She sat to the co-pilot's seat, "I know what happened. I know he forgave you the moment he saw you – you, Ben".
He glanced at her from the side with the look of a wounded animal.
"He didn't know what he saw", he replied, almost roaring, but contained himself. "You don't know what has happened".
"Tell me", she said. And she meant it. Rey saw his struggle. It felt overwhelming for a moment and she feared the strain of the memories would be too much – that he would eventually lash out, claim the ship and join forces with Snoke again in who knows what kind of abominable alliance. But the maelstrom subsided. He made a long and sad sigh.
"He didn't tell you I had a sister?" he looked at her directly and somewhat tauntingly, "Of course he didn't. They never talked about her. They were both good at that – avoiding what was too painful and too dark to endure".
Rey thought that he relished in her distress before he added: "It remained a little dirty Solo secret for so many years".
Rey tensed in her seat. There was a tide of resentment and grief coming her way. Something that was long buried was now coming back like a boomerang and it threatened to sway her. But she remained calm.
"What has happened?" she asked again with even more gentleness. Rey was determined not to succumb to anger this time.
"She – Jaina – was two years younger than me. And she was unfortunate enough to be born into this powerful bloodline without her being sensitive to the Force herself. Then again, anyone born into Skywalker – Solo bunch isn't exactly predicted for happiness, Jedi or not", he added cynically and continued; "You could say I was more of a Skywalker, and she was more of her father's daughter. I think he loved her even more because she was no one, not meant to be a Jedi. He could relate to her more, it's just natural way of a parent".
"I didn't care if she was a Force wielder or not", he added simply, "She was bright, daring, full of joy. We used to play in this ship a lot. We pestered Solo and Chewbacca to no end. It was a rare thing to have him around so he allowed us all sort of mischief, and she was a leader more often than I was. She knew whatever she does Solo would forgive her even before she did it".
He let himself get lost in those distant memories.
Rey felt the tragedy deepening. How peculiar humans are – how perfectly and completely Han and Leia apparently pushed this memory away, so that even she, with all her heightened intuition, couldn't sense it in all its depth.
"I was 13 and she was soon turning 11 when it happened", he continued suddenly, rushing to end the story, "I remember we were playing when she lost her balance. I tried to stop her from falling over the ledge, but I was too weak. I was just a weak, untrained boy. Jaina fell and died on the spot".
Rey's heart sunk as he rushed again to run away from his grief. He pronounced his sister's name with outmost effort and pain – she could see it was a name prohibited from use ever since the tragedy.
"Leia could sense it immediately – but from across the galaxy, because she was dispatched from Hanna City to some important senatorial mission", he said bitterly, "She knew I wasn't to blame. She knew I'd do anything to bring her back to life. But she was dead. She was nobody. A Force user would've survived that fall, but not her".
He twitched with pain and rage and punched the steering, with piece of badly welded metal flying off and shuttering against the walls. Rey jumped, but let him finish the story – she sensed no threat, only pain.
"Han, of course", Ben added with a heart-wrenching tone, "Couldn't forgive himself for not being there, so he did the best he could – first he blamed me, then Leia, and then he took off. You see, once you put that wheel into the motion, Rey, it can't be stopped. That trust is broken beyond repair. They perceived me like some kind of a bad seed, even my own mother. She could barely accept the fact that her real father was the most hated creature in the galaxy, and now, every single fault I ever had she saw in that light. I didn't push Jaina, she knew that, but perhaps I was just too reckless and instigated her to be reckless beyond her abilities? Or perhaps I was just too insensitive, or impulsive, or an overall bad influence that would only get worse with time? My silence was a sign of an incoming plot. My outbursts reminded them of Vader. I was not a comfort to them, but a painful reminder that their beloved child has died. And not only my father, but also my tutors, my friends, all of the Hanna City society, and in the end, my mother's political enemies – now they all murmured in fear and shook their heads in mistrust of this awkward silent boy. Can you imagine how thrilled their enemies were when they grabbed hold of this fact? And how amplified their joy was by the time they discovered who Leia's father was? Everything seemed to add up: a murderous scion of a bad tree kills the only pure thing that power-hungry family produced. What use did I have of my mother trusting me and knowing I wasn't her daughter's murderer, when my own father couldn't bring himself to look me in the eye? When I was met with uneasiness and dread wherever I went?"
"Han disliked the Jedi ways before", he said, "And now he had all the arguments to resent it altogether. Their marriage didn't survive that blow. They soon separated – the greatest romance galaxy has ever seen. Leia saw that I was sinking from that point on into self-loathing and depression, but was unable to help me. And then he showed up".
Ben's face tensed.
"I tried to be his best apprentice. I really tried to make up for all those years they'll never have with their daughter. And for some time, I was really the most promising padawan he had. The most obedient creature you ever saw. I was grateful to him for not discarding me like the rest of the galaxy did. I idolized him like a stupid child that I was. I was often daydreaming that I'd give my life Obi Van style to save the galaxy and to save my master or my future pupils. Does it shock you?" he asked, seeing her perplexed look, "Do you think I'm lying?"
Rey looked at him intensely. There was no deception in him. Everything he said was the truth.
"Never mind," he added abruptly, "As I turned of age, he even gave me his father's saber as a token of his trust and faith he had in me and my bright future".
Ben again sighed and his face twitched. He reached for his ribs instinctively.
Rey felt the tears rolling down her cheeks.
"I am so sorry, Ben", she whispered and touched his shoulder, "I didn't know".
"Of course you didn't know", he replied bitterly, twitching under her touch, "They buried it so deeply and so thoroughly that I almost had no use of destroying the Hanna City and all its temples and graveyards".
He straightened up and looked at her mockingly.
"Still feeling eager about joining the whole Skywalker/Solo legend? Because that's what we do – we destroy what we love one way or another, and then flee. We're good at that. That's our main specialty".
She shook her head.
"The story isn't over yet", she said, "You are not your grandfather. I am no Solo and no Skywalker. And both of us haven't even completed our training. So that's where we are".
"In the middle of a nowhere, that is", he responded dryly and quickly stood up.
He was again slipping through her fingers. It seemed that his pain was impossible to tame.
Distracted, Rey looked down at Leia's ring. And then it has finally dawned on her. It wasn't the map of Alderaan system, as she first thought. It wasn't representation of Leia and Luke, or the representation of Balance. People are much deeper and much simpler at the same time.
She asked him gently:
"It is you two? Isn't it? The one stone represents you, the other is Jaina".
He frowned and tensed, but didn't answer.
"Ben", she said softly, "How can't you see? She has never given up hope. She held you so close to her heart all these years. There is so much Light surrounding you. If only you could see it".
He frowned and backed away.
"You conveniently forgot about Crait", he downright hissed, piercing her with a vengeful stare.
The air around them became denser. The sunset was upon the small uncharted planet.
"Enough of this sentimentality", he said quickly, almost as hectically and demandingly as before, "I promised you I won't lie to you. And now you know everything".
Poe was sipping with fury. The little "Falcon" excursion lasted for a whole hour before they finally appeared on the exit. To make things even more frustrating, Chewbacca didn't let him in.
Poe wasn't ready to discuss elements of treason with the intimidating beast.
As Rey appeared, he gestured at her.
"Come with me", he said, "We need to talk. Chewie, look out on the prisoner".
Chewie howled and pushed Ben roughly away from the ship. Rey quivered and uttered:
"There's no need for that. He's injured and he is disarmed".
Ben looked at her. "It's alright", he said, "You go your way".
Ben then looked at Poe, but said nothing. His gaze was indecipherable.
Poe's, on the other hand, wasn't.
As he strode away with Rey, he couldn't wait enough to start hissing.
"What was that?" he exploded, "Would you care explaining me what has just happened?"
"There is lot of pain in him and lot of regret", she answered, partially annoyed by his tone but cautious not to provoke his anger she knew was completely justifiable, "It weighs him down, but I sense there is an ever growing Light in him. I sense he could come back truly as Ben Solo. And then he'll be invaluable to us and to our cause".
Poe roamed in front of her like a nervous beast.
"Alright, Rey", he said, "Do you care what I see? I don't see he's useful to our cause. On the contrary, he's just a huge liability. And from where I stand, I see he's only invaluable to you. This man child with daddy issues goes there, and then tells you whatever tale of woe you want to hear, and just like that – you're hooked".
"That's not what happened…" she tried to interrupt him, but his dissatisfaction erupted like a volcano.
"My family died fighting the First Order. And you know what, Rey? If you failed to notice, I don't go around dressed up in weird costumes, killing everybody that ever gave me a bad eye and smashing whatever I don't like", he shouted.
"He tortured you, he tortured me, he almost killed you on "Supremacy" and then on the Guavian ship; he killed one quarter of the galaxy on his own or with the help of that First Order scum", he screamed some more, "He slaughtered the whole village on Jakku, he killed Lor San Tekka, an old man who couldn't defend himself even if his stupid Jedi religion allowed him to. For goodness' sake, Rey, pull your head out of that Jedi nonsense and start living in the real world with the rest of us!"
Rey just let him vent and stood there for a moment, in silence.
Poe panted. He had to lean forward, his mother's wedding ring dangling to his face like a sad reminder of all of his losses.
"And don't you dare tell me to calm down", he roared, "When I calm down, I take down dread-noughts. I kick some bucket heads. And since he is the ultimate bucket head, I might as well kill him to soothe my nerves. The whole Council wants that guy's head on a plate, so why would I go against their wishes?"
He straightened up and looked her directly with a brash gaze.
"Would it be more to your own liking, Rey?"
Rey's eyes darkened.
"Don't go there, Poe", she said in low voice.
"Or you'll do what exactly?" he pushed further, fueled by his own jealousy and pain, "Would it excite you? Does the kill actually thrill you, Jedi?"
Rey's heart twitched painfully – he knew the content of that dream and now he viciously used it against her. She felt the impulse of anger in her arm and to her utter shock, saw the pilot being pushed 3 meters away, stumbling and falling to the ground.
Rey regretted it in an instance, but it was too late – the damage was already done.
"Poe", she jumped to his side, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to –"
But he interrupted her with a quick, angry gesture.
"Save your apologies for someone else, Jedi", he was unscathed, except for his bruised ego. "You never were a part of this rebellion to begin with. None of you Jedi ever were. You have your agenda, we have ours. Whatever your mission is, I won't stand you in your way. But it is not my mission anymore".
Rey was distressed but felt too ashamed to pursue him any further. She let him go.
Again, she felt like the loneliest being in the whole galaxy, like that child lost in the desert, abandoned by everyone, waiting for someone who will never come back and losing every opportunity to make true and meaningful connections with those who actually were there.
The brisk night sky of Endor 2 was covered with stars. Planet's two satellites were slowly ascending. She would otherwise enjoy this ancient planet of green, but now she barely noticed it.
Her small communication device that she almost forgot she had murmured and buzzed.
It was Chewbacca. A new ship approached Endor 2, and Finn was onboard.
Chewbacca was inside the "Falcon", growling and cursing because of the broken navigation leveler.
Ben was busy with keeping the small camp fire burning in front of the ship, but raised his eyes as soon as she came nearer. Rey didn't know what to say to him. Although she rejoiced at the fact Finn will be here with some help coming the Resistance's way, the fact she alienated the whole Resistance by her recklessness pained her.
Rey sighed and put the safety pin back on her blaster. She covered herself with her old rough raincoat. In silence, Ben passed her a slice of bread and some dried fruits that were left for her by Chewbacca.
"I put you at the odds with everyone else", he said softly, as she accepted the simple meal, "It is either way unwise for me to stay too long in one place".
"It's unwise for any of us", she replied, trying to sound stern, "And I could clearly see this would happen".
She truly did, but it never occurred to her it could transpire so awkwardly and so embarrassingly.
"Chaos comes to humans naturally", he replied, "The unpredictability. Or perhaps even on the contrary, massive predictability".
Rey blushed.
"I never thought any of this would be easy".
"So you believe the Force then?" he asked.
"Do not provoke me, not now", she said, "Leave it for tomorrow, Ben".