4 – anguish

Hey all, there's going to be a small section in the middle of the story that gives you a link to a good song to listen to during that part. Trust me, it will add so much more to the story if you listen with headphones while reading, try it out!

This is all my fault.

Brackenfur padded solemnly through the entrance of ThunderClan with Frostfur and Cloudtail following suit. His clanmates were in no higher spirits than he. The golden tom had walked a little too close to the wall of the gorse and got his fur snagged on the thorns. This is all my fault, he repeated, ignoring the stinging pain he felt as he forcefully ripped his pelt from the bush. The moon was starting to climb higher into the sky as the sun fully dropped behind the horizon. As soon as they entered, Goldenflower and Bramblepaw came rushing up to the party.

"How'd it go?" The dark tabby apprentice asked first, his amber eyes full of concern. Brackenfur in turn closed his eyes and shook his head in defeat.

"We weren't able to find anything, not even a trace of a battle or struggle."

"Then you clearly weren't looking heard enough!" Goldenflower spat, grief over-taking her.

Cloudtail rolled his eyes, a white ear twitching in irritation. "Look, we all know that I'm the best tracker in ThunderClan and I lost the trail at a rock. If I couldn't locate it, then no cat can." Goldenflower growled at the white tom's comment, but said nothing else.

"I'm sorry Bramblepaw, Goldenflower," Frostfur put in. "But it looks like Tawnypaw left on her own accord."

"Oh, my kit. My poor kit! I have failed her!" Goldenflower wailed, her head dropping in defeat. Bramblepaw padded forward and snuggled his own head underneath his mother's chin in an attempt to comfort her. Although by the way his dulled amber eyes stared off into nothing, it looked as if the young tom was seeking comfort in the touch as well.

Everything about this is my fault.

Brackenfur dipped his head and excused himself from the gathering cats around them, unable to face any of them for any longer. Unbeknownst to him, his paws began to absentmindedly lead him to the medicine cat den. After Whitestorm's patrol had returned to camp, the party stumbled upon the scene of Bramblepaw yowling in disarray to Firestar. The young tom reported that he hadn't seen Tawnypaw since she ran away from the elder's den, angrily yelling about how she was fed up with something Smallear had said earlier that morning. At first, clan assumed she just needed some time alone but after waiting until dusk to see if she would return, Firestar immediately sent out search party to look for the missing apprentice. They had all thought that perhaps she had been taken in light of another one of Tigerstar's disgusting schemes, but when Brackenfur and his patrol went out to investigate, their findings told a different story.

Tawnypaw had indeed, left willingly, and no one knew where to.

I was going to speak with her, Brackenfur thought, utterly distraught. I was going to tell her that she belonged and cats cared about her, but I was too late. I was too stupid and distracted and now, I am the worst mentor in the history of the clans. I not only lost my apprentice… but a good friend as well.

Pushing his head through the lichen screen, Brackenfur padded into the medicine den. He was relieved to see that Cinderpelt wasn't inside because quite frankly, he wasn't in the mood to speak with any cat. Clamping his eyes shut, Brackenfur dug his claws into the earthy floor for stability. He saw bright colors briefly flash against his blackened vision at the force of closing his eyes so suddenly. Slowly, the shape of a tiny, tri-colored she-cat emerged in his mind.

"Wow! Our territory's so big!" Tawnypaw's high-pitched voice squeaked. The small remainder of her kit-fluff was brushed out in excitement.

Brackenfur glanced over to her, his amber eyes shining in amusement. "The first time out of camp is always an exciting one." The golden tom leaped effortlessly on top a fallen trunk. He turned his head to look back to his apprentice, waiting for her to do the same. "This isn't even half the territory, though!"

Tawnypaw's green eyes widened in disbelief. "No way! I can't wait to see it all!" She bunched her legs together and sprang up to clear the log, but misjudged the height and had the wind knocked out of her. Before she could tumble back onto to the stiff forest floor, Brackenfur swiftly reached over and grabbed her by the scruff.

"I've got you," He meowed through her fur as he guided her up the log.

"Thanks!" Tawnypaw panted, scrabbling to reach the top. "Guess this is a lot different than from that old stump back at camp."

Brackenfur purred in amusement before beckoning his head forward. "Come on, I'm going to show you Sunning Rocks next."

Tawnypaw smiled with delight. "Great! Isn't that the place where-"

Brackenfur's eyes flew open as he was abruptly interrupted from his memory by a distinct whine coming from the corner of the medicine den. Turning his head, the golden warrior saw the pup wiggling in it's moss nest. It had smelled, not seen, the presence of Brackenfur and was blindly trying to scrabble its way over to him. The golden warrior let out a drawn out sigh and padded over to the pup. However, once he approached, he didn't nose it gently in greeting like he always had. Instead, he just… stared blankly at it. The pup managed to wiggle its way underneath the warrior's paws, seeking comfort, yet, Brackenfur still did not move a whisker. Confused as to why it's caretaker wasn't doing his job, the pup whined feebly again.

Brackenfur let out a small hiss of irritation, taking a few steps backward. Suddenly everything became clear as moonlight reflecting against the river.

It wasn't his fault that Tawnypaw was gone.

This is your fault!

Brackenfur flicked his tail, his pelt becoming hotter by the moment with anger. Of course! How had he not seen this earlier? Everything was fine before he brought this dog to ThunderClan. It's caused nothing but trouble and agony since it has been present. If Brackenfur hadn't brought it, he wouldn't have even gotten distracted from his warrior duties; distracted from his apprentice. He would have noticed how much Tawnypaw was hurting a lot sooner and would have long talked to her by now. She would still be here if it weren't for this… thing!

With every mistake I make, the consequences get worse and worse, Brackenfur recalled his previous conversation with Whitestorm. This dog was that first mistake that caused everything to fall apart!

The truth was painfully obvious to Brackenfur now. It annoyed him that he hadn't listened to his clan mates sooner. He could almost hear Mousefur in his ear saying, I told you so! Shaking his head, Brackenfur's scowl deepened.

You. have got. to go.

Without a second thought, Brackenfur bent forward and hastily grabbed the pup by the scruff. The scrap instinctively went limp in his hold. Dismissing a low growl, Brackenfur turned tail and headed back to the entrance of the den. He briefly set the pup down to carefully poke only his head through the lichen screen. At this point, the moon was well into the sky, shining brightly against the backdrop of Silverpelt. Firestar and Frostfur were seen at the base of Highrock, seemingly consoling Goldenflower and Bramblepaw. At the elder's den, it appeared that Dappletail was in an argument with Smallear while One-eye and Speckletail tried to maintain the peace. Sandstorm and Graystripe were sharing a thrush near the fresh-kill pile and it looked as if Longtail was leading Mousefur and Thornpaw on the nightly border patrol to ShadowClan. It appeared that all the other unaccounted cats had already retired to their respective dens for the night.

It's now or never, Brackenfur thought grimly.

Quickly, the golden warrior drew the pup back into his mouth and, as casual as he could muster, stepped out of the den. He immediately made a bee-line to the dirt place, glancing in every direction to make sure that no one was watching him. Once out of sight, Brackenfur slipped through the small exit behind the dirtplace wall and stepped out of ThunderClan camp.

With a final glance to make sure that he was not being followed, the angered warrior began to pad sure-footed in the direction of Snakerocks. However, once he eventually arrived, he trekked past the dreaded place where he first found the pup. He suppressed a shiver as he caught a glimpse of the pup's deceased kin. They were nothing but a clean, white pile of bones now. As if the pup sensed where it was, it let out a tiny whimper. Blinking deliberately to clear his mind of what he just saw, Brackenfur pressed on, pointedly ignoring the pup. Anticipation rippled him from nose to tail tip at the prospect of what he was about to do.

It's the only way, Brackenfur kept telling himself. He was getting exhausted from carrying the pup; the sooner he got this over with, the better and then everything could return back to normal. Shortly after he passed Snakerocks, Brackenfur quickened his pace as his destination finally came into sight.

The gorge.

***[Look up, "In the House, In a Heartbeat" by John Murphy to enhance your reading~}***

The golden brown warrior stopped just before the edge of the cliff. Setting the small dog down, the young tom peered cautiously over the edge. Black water rushed in an angry torrent below him, threatening anyone who dared to enter it. Brackenfur felt his mind spinning just as quickly as the water was moving.

Turning to the pup next to him, the tom let out a contemptuous snort. "Look, there's no hard feelings. This is how it has to be." Brackenfur was aware that the pup probably couldn't understand a word of what he was saying, but he didn't care. "You are a dog. I should have never brought you back to ThunderClan but unfortunately, I did and now, I have to make things right again."

"You don't belong here," He continued on, briefly surprising himself with just how scornful his growl sounded. "All I have been doing is just postponing the inevitable. You should have died back there with your litter, but you didn't. I know you must miss your kin but fear not, you'll be able to see them again soon."

Seemingly satisfied with his reasoning, Brackenfur picked the pup back up. He then unsheathed his claws and firmly gripped his front paws over the edge of the drop for stability. Slowly, he extended his neck so that the pup dangled helplessly in the air over the racing water.

This is the only way, Brackenfur repeated to himself. This thing has brought this fate among itself. I'm only setting things right again. He closed his amber eyes and lifted his head higher. He didn't want to bear witness to what would happen once he opened his mouth. He just wanted to get this over with so that he could go back to camp and forget that this dog ever existed. The clan would awake the next morning and Brackenfur would tell a white lie and say that the dog had gotten snatched by an owl or something. There would be many loop holes in his fable, but Brackenfur would figure out the details of that later.

Inhaling a deep breath through his nostrils, Brackenfur shot his eyes open and growled in annoyance. "What?" He mumbled through the mouthful of fur. "Now you chose to be quiet? You don't have anything to say for yourself?!"

The pup remained silent, and Brackenfur was starting to become more hysterical with each passing heartbeat.

"You made me ignore Tawnypaw, causing her to run away and you have effectively turned me into the ThunderClan's biggest joke! Say something!" He demanded, his body shaking. "Say something, if you're not guilty!"

Still, the pup remained silent.

"Say it!" Brackenfur's voice hitched as his throat began to tighten. It was becoming harder and harder for him to keep his balance on top the cliff. The golden tom's body froze as he felt something cool and wet graze his neck. The pup had strained its' head to reach up and give Brackenfur a lick from it's tiny, pink tongue.

Brackenfur couldn't contain the sniff that arose from him. He couldn't do this.

What am I doing…

Slowly, he pulled away from the edge and gently placed the pup back onto the ground. The poor scrap immediately crawled underneath him and snuggled itself against the golden warrior's paws. Brackenfur was gasping desperately for air, his body weakened from shock. He felt as if his heart was about to leap out of his chest with how hard it was pounding.

What am I thinking? Getting rid of this dog won't magically bring Tawnypaw back to ThunderClan, or solve my other problems. Even so, why am I even acting as if she's dead? Taking multiple deep breaths, the golden brown warrior attempted to calm himself. Brackenfur could barely believe how… fox-hearted he had acted. This wasn't him. Not even those who despised the pup the most would stoop to this level of treachery.

"This dog is to remain in camp, where it shall not be harmed." Firestar's noble words echoed through Brackenfur's guilt-stricken mind. Glancing down, Brackenfur placed a gentle paw on top of the poor scrap, and the pup wiggled to give it a lick. It still trusts me, even after I almost… He couldn't bring himself to finish his thought. Oh StarClan, please forgive me…

Suddenly, the gritty ground underneath Brackenfur began to rumble and shift. He yelped in surprise as he felt his body being tugged down the edge of the cliff. Frantically, the golden warrior scrabbled for solid ground as he pushed himself against the current of the loose dirt. Thankfully, he managed to snag a paw on a chipped rock. As Brackenfur desperately pulled himself up, he turned his head just in time to see the body of the young dog tumble down the edge of the cliff with the dirt-slide.

next chapter - disparity

Brackenfur must atone for his irrational actions.