Hello! I've sorry for the wait in updating. Life has kicked me in the metaphorical balls lately, and this chapter has given me a few issues. Writers block is not fun :P
I love getting review from everyone, they make my day. I also love that people have so many questions and theories. I'm not going to answer any, and some I actually don't know myself. Writing is a hobby that I do when I want to chill out, so I don't have too much planning that goes into it, just a general feeling for what I want to happen and how I want things to end. In fact, some reviews give me ideas on what to do next ;)
Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Happy reading!
Chapter 17 - Monday
It seems like it's been an age since I stepped into this coffee shop last week. So much has happened in the four days since I stumbled my way in here and ran into Rosalie. When Edward reluctantly got out of bed this morning to go to work I continued to slumber until he came back in, freshly showered and smelling deliciously of a combination of sandalwood soap and his distinct Edwardness. He kissed me gently on the lips before bidding me a good day, and as he left I saw the worried look he shot me over his shoulder. Even though I spent the whole of yesterday reassuring him that I would be able to get by on the own while he's at work today he's still worried, I can tell. But I'm trying to be strong and independant.
Trying, being the operative word.
It seems that the demeaning, belittling voice that floats round the back of my brain has morphed from sounding like Mother's cold, dead voice to Alice's high pitched shrill. Her sudden confrontation on Saturday night sent me further into my silent, withdrawn hole. I'm pretty sure Edward had figured out something was wrong. We didn't stay at his parents house too late and when we eventually left to go home he was persistent in trying to figure out what was bothering me. When verbally coercing it out of me didn't work, he tried other tactics involving, primarily, his lips and tongue.
Although I still refused to rat out his sister, I can't say I didn't enjoy his attempts at forcing it out of me.
We spent the whole of Sunday wrapped in each others arms, sharing sweet but intense kisses and enjoying the delicious heat of each others bodies pressed closely together. We emerge briefly for meals, but most of the day consisted of Edward finding new places with his mouth that drove me insane. I have no idea how he managed to keep so calm and collected while I was losing my mind. The stirring and whirling in the pit of my stomach, and breathless moans escaping my mouth, it was nothing I'd ever experienced before. I knew about the concept of sexual frustration from books and TV, but until that moment in time I had never understood why it was referred to as a frustration. The ever building desire to lose control and give in to the primal urges racing around my mind.
But every time I tried to take things further, Edward pulled away. Amongst the new, amazingly good feelings from the last day or so, the primary thought as I enter the same charming, warm coffee shop as last week is… confusion.
The barista behind that counter is the same as last week. He's serving someone else, and I take a moment to study him as I stand in line and wait, notebook tucked snugly under my arm. He's big, taller than even Emmett but not as muscular. He chats idelly with the customer as he takes her money, an easy smile on his face. His dark skin is beautiful in the low lighting, stretching across his muscled forearm as he leans over to give the lady her change. As she moves away from the counter the barista looks up and sees me standing there, staring. I look down immediately, my face burning in a fierce blush. I shuffle forward to the counter hesitantly, reaching into my pocket to pull out my fancy, shiny credit card.
My hands shake with nerves. Both Edward and Rosalie have talked me through how to use it, but I'm still sure I'm going to screw it up. Glancing up I focus on the man, my eyes drifting to focus just over his right ear in an attempt to appear as if I'm making eye contact, a trick I figured out years ago. The man seems to grin even wider.
"Hi there. You're back." I nod in reply. So he remembers me. "Do you want the same as last week? Hot chocolate, no whipped cream with a symmetrical swirl, right?"
"Y...yes please." I'm surprised he remembers my order, but I'm happy that I don't have to speak any more than strictly necessary. I lift the card towards him and he takes it to process the payment. I type in the PIN that Edward had written down for me, I committed it to memory days ago. Before I know it my card is returned and it's all done. I like that there's less fumbling than using cash. Maybe using this card will work out for the better.
"I'll bring your drink to your table." I nod and turn towards that same armchairs as last week, which are luckily free, but I hear him call me back.
"Hey, can I ask you something?" I turn to look at him, taking in his unsure expression and nervous half smile. After a second or thinking I nod, not sure what he want from me.
"Umm, this may sound weird but I feel like I know you from somewhere. Have we met before?" I shake my head. How would I have met him before? His face sparks no memory.
"Oh, well never mind then" he says with a smile, and I turn to continue my way to the armchairs.
"My name's Jacob by the way." I stop and look back at him, his young but handsome face poised in hesitation. He looks at me for a second and I scramble to remember the few social skills I've attempted to pick up over the years. my response comes stuttering our.
"M...my name's Bella. Nice to.. to meet you."
I spend the rest of the morning people watching, both in the cafe and outside on the street. After about 2 hours I stand up to leave and hesitantly smile at the barista on the way out. He sends me a blinding smile and stops drying dishes to wave.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" He asks. I nod and send him a hesitant smile and a small wave in return, before heading out onto the street. It feels nice to successfully interact with another human being. I love Edward with all my heart, and the majority of his family, bar Alice, have been incredibly loving and welcoming, but I miss the light interactions I used to have with Angela.
Oh shit.
I freeze on the sidewalk when I realise that I haven't thought about Angela at all since I left Phoenix, and at that moment strong feelings of longing and guilt hit me. I miss her, she was my only friend when I was there, and I hate that I forgot all about her as soon as I left. Just as quickly I begin to doubt myself. Does Angela miss me as well, or was I just an annoying, hard to please customer that she had to put up with every time she worked?
I can't handle my thought's right now, so I shut them out and continue on my way home. I'm so focussed on keeping my thoughts at bay that everything becomes a blur. I'm half drowning in my own mental flood, but I'm not as deep as I can get usually. I can feel myself walking, functioning, but nothing that's happening is being absorbed past the sea of thoughts and emotions. The sea seems to stretch on forever, gaining energy and turbulence until it crests in peaks and crashes across my subconscious.
Knock knock knock.
Like a sudden island in the tumultuous sea, the sound of knocking on a door tears me to the present. I'm standing in the front entrance on the apartment. Everything is untouched from when I left this morning, and my notebook is still tucked tightly under my arm. I don't remember any of the walk home, or entering the apartment to stand where I am now. While I try to unravel my thoughts, I turn and look through the peephole to see who's there, immediately opening the door.
Esme stands in the hallway, wearing a blue wrap dress and a smile. The smile slips from her face when she studies me.
"Are you ok sweetie?"
I stare at her for a second, slightly shell-shocked and trying to get my bearings. I know Esme was coming to pick me up at 2pm, and if she's here it means that my...episode for lack of a better word, lasted for at least 2 hours. I turn abruptly and head into the kitchen, searching out the clock hanging on the wall above the stove.
1:58pm.
About an hour and 45 mins in lost time. Not as long as some timeless periods I've experienced over the years. Not even close to as long as the night I spent before Edward found me in the closet. But still long enough to make me feel rattled, insecure and not normal.
I jerk in surprise when I feel Esme's hand on my arm. She looks more than worried now, searching my face with her inquisitive eyes.
"Is everything ok Bella? Tell me what's wrong." As always when I'm with Esme, I want to tell her everything, but I don't want her attention or her coddling right now. I step away, letting her hand drop between us and shielding my face with my long hair.
"I'm fine. I just...lost some time. It doesn't matter. I'm ready to go."
She looks even more concerned now. I shouldn't have mentioned the lost time. Before she can badger me any more I head back towards the front door. Everything I need is still in my pockets from earlier, and my journal is still tucked under my arm. I wait for her at the open doorway, pausing to let her exit first. I lock the door behind me and walk next to her down the hallway. Just as my guilt grows for brushing her off when she obviously wants to help, Esme puts her arm around me and squeezes me into a firm side hug, rubbing my arm soothingly. With that simple gesture, I relax and force the guilt to leave my mind. In a single touch, Esme has let me know that she isn't offended, but she's still there for me if I need her. And at this point in time, I am ever so grateful for that fact.
I told myself that I was going to be fine going to the hospital. Carlisle is going to do the check up in his office, away from the other doctors and patients and rooms. Edward is going to try and be there if he can, depending on his work. And Esme is here with me. But as soon as we pull up to the hospital my body tenses and the breathing becomes shallow and erratic. The tall hospital building seems to extend far up into the sky, climbing up to the heavens and dwarfing everything around it.
I somehow manage to pull myself together enough to climb out of the car and walk next to Esme up to the front doors. From there, the only reason my feet continue to go forward is because of Esme's gentle but firm hand leading me confidently into the busy, hectic, terrifying interior of the hospital. I can't seems to focus on where we're going, instead my unfocused gaze passes along the bright white walls and the unsettling expressions on peoples faces. Every time we pass a doctor in a clean, white coat I can't help but flinch away, leaning in closer to Esme. By the time we make it through to the elevators she's wrapped her arm around and tucked me closer into her side. I try to take deep breaths as we wait, try to stay calm and not call attention to myself. There aren't too many people around. Everyone is minding their own business, but I still feel self conscious, like people are staring at me.
Esme leads us forward and presses the up arrow for the elevator. Before she can pull us away my hand shoots forward to press the button three times in quick succession.
Push push push
It's not enough to just leave it there, and my fingers press down again and again in bursts of three. I'm not sure if Esme is talking to me or not, but I know that until the elevator gets here I am rooted to this spot, powerless to stop my fingers from pressing over and over again.
Push push push...Push push push...Push push push...Push push-
The ding of the elevators arrival causes my hand to freeze in place. Like being awakened from a spell I shake myself from my stupor and move to step into an elevator. Esme goes along with me. I can't bring myself to look at her, instead I stare down at my free hand. My fingers are twitching slightly, I'm almost hypnotised by their movement. I can vaguely feel Esme leading me out of the elevator and down another white corridor. It's less busy here, and I'm thankful when we come to a quiet waiting area. There's a reception desk with a lady sitting behind it. I head towards it, but instead Esme steers me around it and towards a closed door.
"Good afternoon, Maggie." Esme says to the woman, who smiles in return.
"Good afternoon, Mrs Cullen. Go right on in. He's waiting for you." Esme nods in reply and continues to head straight towards the closed door, opening it without knocking.
Carlisle's office is nothing like any other doctors office I've been in. Instead of the blank, sterile space I was expecting the walls were painted a deep red, with colourful artwork around the room. The carpet was plush and cushiony, and Carlisle sits behind a nice big wooden desk. He glances up from the paper's he is reading, smiling at the two of us.
"Ladies! It's wonderful to see you. Did you get here OK?" There's a moment of silence after his question, and the happy expression on his face melts into one of worry. "What's wrong?"
I don't say anything. It's not that my mind is not here, I'm very aware of my surroundings and I remember everything about the walk through the hospital, but the stress of the last few minutes has left me a bit rattled. Esme sighs before answering.
"I think this was a bad idea. Being here is really hard for her, and I don't think we fully understood her reservations about coming here. We should have done the checkup at home."
I'm inclined to agree but we're here now, and I figure we may as well push on. I pull away from Esme and take a seat in one of the leather chairs across from Carlisle's desk.
"Just give me a minute." I reassure them. Esme sits in the chair next to me while Carlisle leans against the edge of his desk in front of us. I can tell me wants to study me, assess my reactions, but he's trying really hard to make me feel comfortable. I appreciate the attempt, and I find that I am actually OK with being here is his office. It's such a contrast to a normal doctors office that I'm able to relax at least a little bit. Still, it takes me a while, so to help I listen to Carlisle and Esme chatting quietly in the background. I here Carlisle ask about our journey here once more.
"It was alright, but Bella didn't seem to cope well with all the people, especially the doctors." Esme replies. "She seemed out of sorts when I picked her up as well." I realise I'm probably going to have to explain that to someone at some point. Looking back on things, I'm ashamed of how my reactions can get out of control.
"I thought it might be somewhat of a challenge. That's why I made sure Maggie would let you straight in."
Esme lets out a dry chuckle. "Yes, I much prefer her over the last slag you had as a receptionist."
I freeze, unsure of what I just heard. Did Esme really just call someone a slag? I glance up at her to see a disgruntled expression on her face, whereas Carlisle looks faintly amused.
"Well yes, you made your opinion of Miss Mallory quite clear."
"She tried to convince me that you were having an affair with her!" My mouth drops open in shock at Esme's outburst. "There is no way a lying tramp like that is going to be around you all day." Before I can hold it in, a burst of laughter erupts from me. It's not subtle, but rather an explosion of hysterics that immediately morphs into uncontrollable giggles. The thought of sweet Esme getting jealous and protective, especially since they've been so happily married for so long, is just so ludicrous that I can't help but laugh. Carlisle has given up on trying to keep a straight face, and instead laughs along with me as Esme tries to keep her stern expression. It doesn't last long, as she melts into a smile.
"Oh hush you two." She says, laughing good heartedly along with us. I calm down soon enough, and the brief moment of humour has broken the last of my tension from earlier. Just as the laughter has almost subsided, there's a knock on the door.
"Is it OK if I come in?" My head whips around to see Edward standing at the door, wearing a nice suit and smiling at our laughter, looking faintly bemused. Without even thinking about it, I'm up from my seat and launching myself across the room and into his arms. He catches me without a problem, and before he can even blink my lips are on his and I'm kissing the living daylights out of him. It's like the stress of the day finally floats away as soon as I'm in his arms, and I'm so glad he's here with me. He smiles against my lips, gently slipping to tongue between my lips to deepen our kiss.
After a few moments I reluctantly pull away and Edward rests his forehead against mine.
"Are you alright, sweetheart?" I breath out a sigh of relief.
"I'm better now that you're here." His smile is blinding, and my laughter comes back easily as I wrap my arms around him tighter and bury my in his chest.
After another moment of absorbing Edward's calmness and strength I straighten and turn to face Carlisle and Esme, who are both now standing in each others arms, smiling at my enthusiastic greeting. I nod to myself determinedly.
"OK, I'm ready to do this now."