Authors Note: This chapter has taken too bloody long to get out. My only defence is that since the last chapter I have been to Peru, finished my fourth year engineering project on the fluid mechanics of the brain, finished the classes for my degree and I have just 1 more exams left to do and I'll be a fully fledged Engineer. So… shits been a bit cray cray.

Even so, throughout all this I still have people reviewing and trying to kick my butt into gear to write some more. I will never abandon writing this story, but there are times when I sit down and try and write and nothing comes out. So give me time guys, and all will be well.

Enjoy!

Chapter 18 - Monday Afternoon

I've almost forgotten how exhausting physical contact is with anyone other than Edward. His touch invigorates me, giving me the strength to go on when I feel like I can't anymore, but anyone else's touch seems to suck my strength from me. Although Carlisle keeps the touching to a minimum, it's still a lot more that I'm used to.

At first it doesn't feel too much like a check up at all, mostly because of the lack of typical check-up room environment. And the fact that Edward's hand stays permanently clasped in mine the whole time. The questions are seemingly endless, touching on memories stored in every corner of my brain. I have no problems accessing them but feel uncomfortable doing so. There are questions about my childhood, previous visits to the doctor in Phoenix, my mother, my illness, and in particular past treatment attempts. I force myself to answer at first, but as time goes on Carlisle's easy manner makes me forget my discomfort and I answer as freely as I can.

Esme offers to leave but I tell her to stay and she settles in a chair in the corner. I take comfort in her presence as well as Edwards, especially when we get to the physical check up. It's a tense few minutes of measuring my blood pressure, heart rate, and other such physical measurements. Overall it's the least invasive medical situation I've ever experienced, and I'm ever so thankful.

Finally it's over, and Carlisle finishes scribbling some notes on a piece of paper. I sit and wait in silence, even though Edward tries to pull me into conversation. When it becomes obvious I'm not in the mood he simply pulls me against his chest and wraps his arms around me. Clearing his throat, Carlisle straightens the papers in his hands in preparation for the following conversation. I stay facing Edward, staring at the buttons on his jacket.

"OK, Bella. You did really well. Everything is in order and I'm happy to say that you are a perfectly healthy person." I wait for the but. There's always a but. Nothing is ever ok with me. Edward and Carlisle seem happy for now, smiling and relieved. Esme has come over from the corner to join us. Still I wait. And of course, Carlisle continues.

"Now in terms of your autism, there is only so much I can evaluate as it is not my area of expertise." There it is. I can feel myself clamping up, my shoulders tensing and I clasp onto Edwards hand tighter. "However, from what I can ascertain, the extent of your autism is perhaps not as severe as you have been told in the past, and in fact how you have been able to cope in the past is incredible and a true testament to your strength, my dear." I glance up at him, focusing my gaze above his left ear. His words sink in, but I struggle to comprehend what he is saying. He smiles warmly at me, and nods his head. I guess this is a positive thing. Maybe it means no medication. I hope it means no medication.

"There are some forms of minor treatment that might be able to help you cope even better than you have been…"

"No."

Carlisle ceases talking at my outburst. It's the first thing I've said since Edward arrived, and the sudden silence following my statement makes my palms to sweat and my breathing to quicken. Edward immediately starts to gently rub my back in slow, gentle circles to try and help calm me down. It helps, and I find that I'm able to calm my thoughts and attempt to explain.

"I don't want….any medication." The words are a bit forced but it feels good to say them, to share my opinion. My breath escapes in a gush and Carlisle is quick to reply.

"Bella, no one is going to force you to do anything you don't want to. The treatment I had in mind is actually more of a therapy. I have a friend who specialises in Autism. Dr. Denali and her sisters run a treatment facility here in Seattle, which is more of a home than a hospital." He has my attention now. "She mainly works with children on a long term basis, but I think you could benefit from having some sessions with her. And perhaps from interacting with some of the autistic children would help you as well."

I remain silent, frozen in place as I try to process this information. The thought of a new experience makes me nervous, but the concept of therapy instead of medication is intriguing. I wonder if it could really make a difference. If it could help me. Because being scared and stressed is so tiring. I'm tired and I don't want to be tired anymore.

"Please think about it Bella. You don't have to decide now, but I would really love if you would give it a go. I think it could be really good." I nod in acceptance. I can do that.

I'm restless to get out of here now, the thought of getting away from here so relieving that I rush to get to my feet and head towards the door. I don't get very far.

"There is one more thing I'd like to talk to you about." Carlisle's voice is light but strained. I can sense awkwardness in air that I don't understand and my muscles lock up without consent, freezing me in place. I turn back from the doorway and sit back down, unwilling to go against his wishes. Carlisle's eyes shift restlessly for a moment, before he turns to Esme.

"Perhaps you should wait in the hallway, dear. We'll just be a few more minutes." Esme smiles and nods, getting up to head towards the door. She pats my shoulder gently and I'm nervous to see her go.

"Perhaps you should wait outside as well Edward." Edward nods and begins to stand, but my arm immediately snaps up to grab onto his arm, head shaking in defiance.

"No, I want him to stay." Carlisle starts to protest. "Please…" I cut him off, glancing up at Edward to confirm that he will stay with me.

"Only if you're sure Bella. I'm going to have to ask some potentially personal questions..."

I nod. "I'm sure." My grip tightens on Edward's arm. He is staying right here with me.

"OK then. That's fine with me. Edward..." Carlisle gestures to the chair and Edward sits back down, lifting his hand to cup my cheek and pull my eyes to meet him.

"Are you sure you want to me stay Bella? I can wait outside."

"No." I insist. "I want you here." I say with a slight smile. Edward smiles in return and leans in to place a gentle kiss on my lips. We turn to face Carlisle once more.

"Ok, well lets get to it then." says Carlisle. "The last thing I want to go over with you, Bella, is sexual health." Edward makes a strangled noise from next to me, which he smothers with a cough, his cheeks flaming bright red. Regardless, Carlisle continues. "Now I need to ask some questions which are all part of a standard check up to make sure than you make making healthy decision in this area. I know this is a bit awkward considering that I'm your father and father-in-law, but please understand that I only have your best interests at heart."

I stare at him for a second, trying to figure out how to approach this. I know that talking to anyone about this would be awkward enough, regardless of the fact that the person in question is my father-in-law. However I would much rather get this over with now. There has been something I've been wanting to inquire about anyway. I look up at Edward sitting next to me, looking slightly flustered and more than a little uncomfortable.

So I nod, and I interlock my fingers with Edwards to prepare for whatever is coming next.

Unfortunately as we leave Carlisle's office a while later I know we can't go directly to the car. Instead, the piece of paper clutched in my hand means that I need to go to the hospital pharmacy on the second floor on the way down. I would rather head home so I can have some alone time for the rest of the day and count down the hours till Edward gets home from work.

Instead, I have to go pick up a prescription for the contraceptive pill.

To say Edward and Carlisle were surprised when I announced that I wanted some form of contraceptive to start immediately is an understatement. Edward already looked slightly embarrassed by the fact that his dad was asking me questions about our so far non-existent sex life. I, on the other hand, didn't feel any more embarrassed than I had for the rest of the examination. I think I had used up all of my embarrassment for the day. It was easier to just turn off my emotions. So I did.

Esme is waiting for us outside, studiously ignoring the receptionist. She smiles at us as we approach, but becomes worried when she sees Edward.

"Honey, are you OK? You look a bit flushed…" Edward coughs uncomfortably, scratching the back of his head nervously and shuffling his feet. I look up at him in concern and he gives me a sheepish smile. Just then a sharp shrill ringing comes from his pocket. He pulls out a small device and checks it quickly.

"I… ah… I have to get back to work now." He pulls me into a comforting hug. "Are you OK to head home with Esme? I'll be home around 5:30." I nod and lean up to kiss him, sinking into his embrace as much as I can, my lips moulding to his perfectly. After a few seconds he pulls away and misses me twice more, chastely, as much as I want to continue.

"Take care of her, Mom." He says to Esme as he leaves my arms and heads down the hallway. He hesitates for a seconds before turning to Carlisle, who has followed us out of his office. His cheeks flush as he nods to him. "Dad." With one last smile sent in my direction he spins on his heel and heads down the hallway and out of sight.

Behind me Carlisle lets out a low chuckle, sending me a wary smile. "I'm afraid I might of embarrassed you two in there, and I'm sorry about that." I shrug in response, not too fazed by the whole thing. To me, admitting to my father-in-law that I have not yet had sex with my husband is no worse than talking about my autism.

I turn and walk towards Esme, who puts a comforting arm around my shoulders. "You did so well today sweetie. Why don't we get you home, hmmm?" I nod in relief as she rubs my arm in a comforting manner. Remembering the script in my hands I bring it to her attention, and she takes it when I hand it to her. Glancing down at the script, she says "Oh, we can get this filled on our way out…" She studies the piece of paper closer and falters for a second, before folding the paper in half and continuing as normal.

Carlisle accompanies us to the pharmacy and stays as we wait for my prescription. Afterwards he bids us goodbye, once more assuring me that I did well today, before returning to his office. It's not until I am safely back inside Esme's car that I feel I can breathe freely once more. The inside of the car is silent as I take a few deep breaths in an attempt to steady myself. I turn to see Esme studying me from the drivers seat.

"I'm really proud of you Bella. Of what you've accomplished, of what you've overcome to get where you are now. If there's anything you want to talk to me about you can." I think about her words for a moment and for the first time I willingly think back to my old life, before the move, before Edward. I think back to the loneliness I felt, even when Mother and I were living in a tiny apartment. Back to the berating lectures she would give me, or the days when she wouldn't say anything at all and I felt as if I were an ant caught under her shoe. I think of the men who came and went, the change in her attitude that came with each new one. Most of all I think about the other times when my night had ended up like the last in her house, with me hiding in the darkest place I could find, nursing whatever body part had taken the brunt of her anger.

Esme's words mean more to me than anyone will realise. Because as much as I know in my soul that Edward will be there for me no matter what, the thought that there is someone else out there rooting for me is the best feeling in the world.

My smile doesn't leave my face the whole way home, or during the few hours it takes for Edward to get home from work. I've started on dinner, carefully preparing each ingredient needed for the chicken alfredo and setting them out in order before getting out the pan and turning on the stove. I'm just about to begin cooking when I hear the from door open. I immediately turn the stove down low so that nothing burns while I go to meet him, arriving at the entryway just as he's finished taking off his shoes. He barely has time to straighten up before I crash into him, wrapping my arms around his waist and squeezing tight. He stumbles back a step, and wraps his arms around me just as tight. My grin is still in place and I lean up to kiss him, as if trying to spread my smile onto him. It works, and he smiles down at me just as widely.

"I'm glad to see you're in a good mood, sweetheart." I kiss him chastely a few more times, wanting to savour this feeling. "May I ask what brought this on?"

I think for a moment before replying. "I just...really like being here with you. I love you." He rests me forehead against mine, gently nuzzling my nose.

"I love you too, my Bella."

And this man standing before me again manages to make my heart race and stomach fill with butterflies, in a way so delicious I never want it to end.

After dinner, Edward and I curl up on the couch together, as we have every night since my arrival. It's perhaps by most favourite time of the day, aside from waking up in the morning next to him. It's the time where I can just enjoy being with him, enjoy the feeling of his warm body against mine and his arm wrapped around me. Sometimes the TV is on, sometimes the fire is lit if it's a cold night, but the only thing I focus on is being with Edward. It's the time where my mind is most clear and I can escape the confusing babble of the daytime.

Sometimes our evenings evolve into more, like tonight. Our embrace shifts slightly as I lean up and press my lips against his. His lips are warm and moist against mine, his taste so addictive that it doesn't take me long to tentatively flick my tongue out. His tongue meets mine and his hands drift down to my waist, gripping me and pulling me towards him. My hands find their way into his hair, my fingers slipping in between the strands of silky hair and gently tugging as the heat and passion rises. Eventually Edward pulls away and takes a breath while I place small, light kisses across his jaw and down his neck.

It's about this point that Edward usually breaks things up, much to my dismay. In the last week I've found myself becoming increasingly frustrated when our make out sessions are cut short. It hasn't taken much self realization to determine that the frustration I've been feeling is purely sexual, but I'm still confused as to why Edward is so keen to keep things to a PG rating. As much as I don't want to, numerous excuses pop into my head to explain why he doesn't seem to want to have sex with me.

In an attempt to drown out these ugly thoughts I decide to push the boundaries. As Edward pulls away as usual I move in the opposite direction, bringing my leg up and straddling his lap. His hands float uncertain on either side of me but before I can give him too much time to think I crush my mouth against his in a passionate kiss. I lean into him, revelling in the feel of him from a different position. I can feel the buttons of his dress shirt against my chest, the strength of his shoulders under my hands and the feel of his legs between the thighs.

I can also feel something else between my thighs too.

Before I can fully enjoy the feeling Edward is gently pushing me away from him. I try to resist but its pretty much useless. His voice is ragged and strained. "Bella. I think we should slow down a bit."

At his words it finally sinks in that he doesn't want this, and I'm forcing it on him. Deflated and disheartened I slide off of him and move to the other end of the couch, grabbing a cushion to hug against my chest. I feel like a fool.

"Bella please talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking." He pleads to me, moving closer and attempting to take hold of my hand.

"Why don't you want me?" I'm vaguely ashamed that my voice is so weak and thin. Tears grow in my eyes, causing my voice to tremble and my vision to mist and blur.

"Bella I do want you. I love you. I…" I cut him off before he can finish.

"I mean sex, Edward. Why don't you want to have sex with me." He seems lost for a moment, bewildered and confused.

"I...I don't want to push you. Things have happened so fast and they've been really hard on you and I… I don't want to seem like you have to do anything you don't want to. I don't want to hurt you." He finally succeeds in prying one of my hands from the cushion, enfolding it between both of his. His thumb skims over my wedding and engagement rings, and he brings my hand up to place a gentle kiss on my finger.

"The last thing I want to do is hurt you in any way Bella. I love you so much." My mind is in such a conflict I can barely focus. Instinctively I know he is telling the truth, I know he loves me. But my hormones are so enraged that I can't seem to an agreement with myself. Surely if he loves me as much as he says he wouldn't be able to ignore these urges, this desire that I feel so strongly. Because I sure as hell can't ignore it.

"I want you Edward. I...I NEED you." My voice comes in a raw whisper, begging for him to listen to me. "With every fibre of my being. So much that it hurts. And it does hurt. Every time you push me away it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for you." His expression becomes haunted, torn with guilt and indecision.

"You are more than good enough for me Bella. You are the most gorgeous, beautiful, amazing person I have ever met and I am so thankful everyday that I get to spend the rest of my life with you. You are everything to me." I bring my hand to his cheek, looking directly into his eyes with utter seriousness. I need him to understand me, to listen to my request.

"Then show me, Edward."

SO I am undecided as to whether I will write a lemon scene for this or not. I've never written a lemon before, so I have a feeling I'll probably just do the R13 thing and skip over the details. I'm sure you guys have good enough imaginations anyway ;)

Please review, and also I now have tumblr, even if I'm still tumblr illiterate. Add me! xxhiddensecretxx