Hello! Long time no write! Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you guys. Shit's been busy but I'm still going to plod away and try and eventually get this story finished!
Right, enough from me. Happy reading :)
Chapter 20 - Thursday Morning
Silence. Static. A complete absence of sight, sounds, thoughts, feelings. Nothing is sinking in or making sense in my brain. An endless shock wave of numbness sweeps through everything until I don't remember where I am, or what I'm doing.
As the blackout continues a small part of me resurfaces. It reminds me to breathe and begins to try and untangle what's happening around me. I'm no longer outside, instead I'm sitting in my seat in the coffee shop. My hands clench around my notebook that sits on my lap, feeling the slight roughness of the cover under my fingertips. It's that feeling that I focus on, using it as an anchor to the present.
As empty as my mind was just a minute ago, now my awareness launches a stream of anxious, frantic speculation. How is it that my father has been alive all this time without my knowledge? Why did Mother lie to me?
All of a sudden I'm six years old again, the memory rising from the dark depths of my subconscious.
I'm sitting in a high backed seat, boxed in by rows and rows of other people. Mother is next to me, looking out the window. On my other side is a stranger, a big man in a flannel shirt like the ones Daddy wears.
Daddy...I want my Daddy.
I turn to Mother, tugging on her shirt sleeve insistently. "Daddy?"
She turns to look at me, trying to pull her sleeve from my grasp. "Not now, Bella." She turns away from me, but I can't give up. I want my daddy. I tug harder.
"Daddy!" This time I don't let go then she pulls. "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! DADDY!"
Mother grabs me by the shoulder, her long nails digging into me through my jumper. As I open my mouth to continue in an ever increasing volume she leans in close to whisper in my ear.
"You listen to me me Bella. You will be quiet and stop embarrassing me right now. We are leaving and you will never see your father again. You hear me. Your Daddy…" She trails off, face twisting in disgust. There is only a slight hesitation before she continues. "Your Daddy is dead."
Thinking back on that memory, the one I've tried so hard to lock away in my mind, I can guess the reason she hesitated in that moment was because she was lying, but at the time I'd trusted her. Her admission of my father's death was supposed to have rendered me speechless for the rest of the flight, but instead had incited a panic attack so bad the flight attendants had tied me down to my seat, at Mother's insistence.
Hence the reason I refuse to fly.
My whirling thoughts are interrupted when Jacob's face appears in front of me as he leans down next to my chair, kneeling down so we're level. I fix my gaze to his ear, avoiding eye contact as much as I can.
"Bella? Can you hear me?" I blink a couple of times to orientate myself, then nod in reply. Jacob lets out a sigh of relief and sends me a strained smile. "There you are. You were gone for a bit and I was worried." I glance around to see that the shop is completely empty, unusual for this time of the morning. The reason becomes apparent when I glance at the door and see that the open/closed sign has been switched around. The pressure in my chest eases slightly and I take a deep breath.
I'm not sure what to do now. It seems like just as I struggle to my feet in this new life something comes out of nowhere to knock me over again. In my mind I can't make sense of what's happening, instead I'm floundering around trying to patch the ever growing holes in my battered psych.
"Bella." Jacob's voice drags me back to the present for a moment. "While you were...gone I called your Dad." My breathing lifts in anticipation. "He's on his way here, from Forks. It'll take him about three hours."
Here. My Daddy is coming here. The thought is so enormous is brings tears to my eyes. My hands are shaking and I clench them into fists on the armrests. Jacob goes to pat the back of one of my fists but I pull it onto my lap before he can make contact, gripping my journal tightly.
"Oh shit. Sorry." He pulls his hand back and steps away, giving me space. "I forgot to give you space. I remember you always liked your space." I find it weird that this man seems to remember me from when I was younger, yet I can't recall him at all.
The panic still hasn't eased and I'm starting to feel a tad light headed, my breathing fast and choppy. My chest is getting tighter and tighter and it isn't until I begin to make a high pitched wheezing sound that Jacob starts to figure out something is seriously wrong. He starts moving towards me again, but freezes when I tense. He backs away again, visibly frustrated and yanks at his hair.
"I don't know what to do to help you. Is there someone I can call? Your mom?"
"No!" I shake my head violently back and forth, my reaction so visceral it seems to scare him even more. He tries to calm me down but I know the only person who will be able to do that is Edward.
And straight away I know that I need Edward here right now.
I start to fish my new shiny phone out of my pocket, my hand shaking and fingers clumsy. It takes me a couple of tries to press the power button, and more time than I'd like to admit to key in the simple four digit password. Other than a few test calls to Edward back at the apartment I haven't used this thing at all, so I take a moment to collect my scrambled thoughts before going into the address book. There aren't many names in there and I see Edward's just as my vision begins to blur from unshed tears and lack of oxygen. I stab at it, bring the phone to my ear with a shaking hand.
After the fourth ring the line connects with a click, but instead of the voice I crave, another comes through the speaker.
"Hey Baby Bells! What's cooking?" Emmetts bright, booming voice startles me. I manage to clear my vision and glance down to see that I've selected the wrong contact by mistake, my finger narrowly missing Edwards name and hitting Emmett instead. I almost groan in frustration, at my wits end and fed up with myself and the situation. My arm drops to my lap, phone starting to slip from my grasp as I faintly hear Emmett repeat my name.
I jerk slightly as a large, warm hand gently prise the phone from my grip. Jacob glances as me in question, hesitating before making a decision and bringing the phone to his ear.
"Hello, who is this?" From the speaker I hear Emmett pause, before his voice faintly floats through again, panicked and insistent. I need to tell him I called the wrong person. I need to call Edward. Unfortunately as much as I push my vocal chords, nothing is really happening. My body shudders as a draw in a deep breath and I try to follow the conversation from Jacob's end as he finally replies.
"OK, umm, Emmett is it? Look she's safe here for now but she's kind of freaking out on me so I need you to come down. She…"
"Ed...ward," I finally manage to push out, my voice harsh and strained.
"She just said Edward. Who's Edward?" Jacob says quickly. After a moment his eyes widen in surprise. "Husband? Oh, um, OK. I think she needs him right now."
His voice fades into the background as my vision swims and my mind clouds over. I'm trying to focus, to stay in the room, and in an attempt to calm down I flip open my journal to a new page. I pull out my pen with shaking hands, smoothing the pages down and set my pen down on the paper.
Nothing.
My pen wobbles on the page, leaving a jagged line of blue on pristine white. I can't help but stare at the mark, the stain that contrasts so starkly. It reminds me of the scratch given to me by Mother's diamond ring, finally healed but forever engrained in my memories.
My head jerks up when Jacob gently nudges my knee, most likely because is seems like the safest option for trying to get my attention. He's probably right.
He's holding the phone out to me and I take it, lifting it to my ear.
"Bella? Can you hear me? Bella?" Emmett's voice sounds strange when he's serious, something I have yet to encounter. "Edward's on his way, OK? Just hang on. Me and Rose are on our way too."
I try to answer but the words get stuck in my throat, forming a thick ball that makes it hard to swallow. I'm beyond frustrated now, shifting more towards outright anger. It bubbles and froths within me, a foreign feeling that seems to grow and take over my body. The phone drops from my grasp, bouncing of the journal on my lap and falling to the floor and the clench my fists tightly, pressing them into my eye sockets until I start to see bright flashes of light. My journal follows my phone to the ground with a thud and I draw my knees to my chest. It's been awhile since the rocking back and forth has come out to play, and the new found anger in me turns the usually small movement into borderline violent thrashing.
In an effort to avoid the blank numbness I embrace the anger and let it flow and swell. It's just as incapacitating as my usual 'episodes', but for once I'm weirdly aware of my surroundings. I can hear Jacob talking on the phone as he hangs up with Emmett, promising to look out for their arrival. I hear him call my name a few times, trying to figure out if he should attempt to help me in some way. I pray he doesn't touch me and thankfully he quickly decides that would be a bad idea. Instead he leaves me be and goes back to the counter. I hear the comforting whoosh of the espresso machine and although it helps I still feel a bit out of control. My eyes remain fixed on the sidewalk outside, watching as people passed too and fro, waiting for Edward to get here. I'm sure that once he gets here things will start making sense again.
Just as Jacob returns to my side with my usual drink order I hear bell ring as the door opens, revealing a frantic Rosalie followed closely by an unusually stoic Emmett. If I thought Emmett's serious voice was weird, seeing his face drawn and creased with worry is like a slap to the face.
Emmett pulls Jacob aside and they talk in low voices, too quiet for me to hear. Rosalie is in the chair next to me, stroking my hair and attempting to calm me down. It's not working, but I still don't want her to stop. I don't think I'll ever be able to say no to her motherly affection. I grab onto her other hand, my rocking finally slowing down some.
"Edward?" I question with a hint of panic in my voice.
"He's coming Bella. I called him on our way here. He's got a bit further to drive than us." I nod and go back to rocking. My hands find their way to my hair and I grab fistfuls, pulling at the roots until my eyes water even more from the sharp pain.
"Bella honey," Rosalie grabs my hands, coaxing my fingers open and pulling them from my now tangled locks. "Don't do that sweetie." I half heartedly try to pull my hands back but she maintains her grip, gently but firmly keeping my arms locked down. I try agian but still she keeps my hands in place.
The sound that comes out of me rivals that of a trapped animal. A deep, raw growl claws its way out. This time I pull until she releases me, pushing off any attempts she makes to touch me. Instead I wrap my arms around my knees and press myself back into the armchair way from her.
I don't want Rosalie right now. I want Edward.
I want to know what's going on.
Most of all I want to know if it's true. I want to know if my Daddy is still alive, or if it's useless to get my hopes up.
My anxiety has never been audible before, moans and low screams where I would usually suffer in silence. Perhaps the anger has finally pushed me over the edge, sent me round the bend.
I don't know how much time passes before I sense him. My cries fall silent and I look up in time to see Edward's silver car come to a screeching halt in a free park right outside the cafe. The car is barely stationary when the drivers door is thrown open and Edward flies across the sidewalk, yanking the cafe door open so hard that I fear it'll be pulled off it's hinges.
Everything fades into the background as Edward storms across the room towards me. As soon as he's within reach I launch myself at him, trusting he will catch me.
And he does. He hasn't dropped me yet.
I lock my arms around his neck, my legs around his waist and finally I can breath again. I burrow my head into his neck and sob, releasing everything bottled up inside.
Nothing matters, only him.
"Edward," I whisper.
"Shhh, sweetheart. I'm here. Take a deep breath for me." I try to do as he says, struggle to take even, slow breaths that I know will calm me down. Meanwhile Edward sits down, settling me sideways in his lap and rubbing my back in soothing circles. I sink into him, drawing strength from him and finally quelling my tumultuous emotions enough to get my thoughts together.
"Edward." I say, forcing my vocal chords to cooperate.
"What is it, sweetheart?" Edward presses a quick kiss to on my forehead and attempts to smooth down my tangled hair, tucking a strand gently behind my ear. My hands unlatch from around his neck, sliding down to grip his jacket.
Taking a deep breath I finally utter the words that I can scarcely believe might be true.
"My Dad...he's...alive." Edward freezes, shifting back so he can see my face.
"What? But, how…"
Jacob clears his throat to draw our attention and Edward seems to finally realises that there is someone here he doesn't know. His eyes bounce between Jacob's face and the rest of his body, taking in the apron around his waist with the cafe's logo on the pocket. Edward pulls me closer, wrapping an arm around my waist. I snuggle into him as Jacob speaks up.
"I might be able to shed some light on that..."
"And who are you?" Edward interrupts, rather rudely. His teeth are clenched tightly, his face sharp and eyes slightly narrowed. I don't like seeing him so fierce and I run my fingers lightly over wrinkles on his forehead, back and forth until I feel them dissipate. He whispers apologies for his anger, taking my hand and placing soft kisses on my fingers.
Edward switches his focus back to Jacob. Even though I can tell he's trying to keep his agitation from showing, I can still feel it in the tenseness of his muscles and the slight creases around his eyes. I love him for trying though, and I remain relaxed regardless as Jacob speaks.
"Bella and I grew up together. Before she moved away that is. My name is Jacob Black and my father, Billy Black, is best friends with Bella's dad, Charlie." He pauses, seemingly unsure of how to proceed. "When I was four or five Charlie came home from work one day and Renée was just...gone. She'd taken Bella with her. Charlie was beside himself. Bella had always been a bit of a handful as a kid and they were just starting to get specialist opinions, but the two of them, Charlie and Bella, had such a close bond. Charlie was the best with her, whereas Renée never had the patience."
Jacob pauses, shaking his head and releasing a deep breath. "She was just gone, didn't leave a note or anything. A month later she calls and demands that Charlie sends her child support. He tried to convince her to come home but she refused. He paid her because she kept guilt tripping him into it, saying that it was for Bella and her needs. He tried to tracing the call but she was using a prepaid disposable phone and he couldn't trace the money he wired without breaking the law or taking her to court, and she managed to guilt him into not doing that as well. Eventually divorce papers arrived.
Every month Charlie would wait for her to call and ask for money, and he'd try to get as much detail about Bella as possible. He eventually managed to squeeze out of her that Bella had been seeing some doctors and they'd diagnosed her with severe autism. He tried to organise to go visit but she's never tell him where they were, wouldn't let him talk to Bella on the phone either. Renée would claim that she couldn't deal with meeting strangers and that she doesn't talk all that much. So Charlie just gets by on the tiny pieces of information he can get, all while sending more than standard amount of child support. I'm pretty sure he's still sending it to this day."
My head is swimming as I try to understand what he's saying. Mostly I'm trying process the fact that Mother has been lying to me for fifteen years. This whole time my dad has been alive, not only alive but wanting to see me, to talk to me. Nevermind the fact that he's been paying her money that we didn't really need, at least not recently. Perhaps in the beginning when we were in the tiny, dirty apartments. But for years we've been living in the big, fancy house. We definitely didn't need any extra.
"She told me he was dead." Saying it out loud really cements the anger and hurt that I'm feeling. I barely register the shocked expression on Jacob's face, or the angry expressions on Rosalie and Emmett's. It feels like I'm underwater. Everything is muffled and distant, a wave of numbness sinking into me that adds to the surrealism I'm experiencing.
"Is he really coming here?" I ask Jacob, the words catching in my throat as I realise the tears that have been building have finally broken free, running down my cheeks. Jacob nods in confirmation. I snuggle further into Edward, snaking my arm down around his waist to anchor myself.
"Then, we wait."
And with that statement, I sink into the numbness and I drift.
I'm sorry if this chapter feels like it's a bit drawn out. I don't usually plan too much what's going to be in each chapter and this one's been swamped down by a lot of emotion. Never the less, progress has been made. Next chapter will be a lot of Charlie and hopefully a few more revelations.
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Secret xoxo