It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Two

Carter read through the list of terms and conditions for Kerry and Mark to let him come back to work. It was a thick document and very detailed.

"You want random urine tests?" He asked.

"Yes." Kerry answered.

"And I get to pay for them too." He noted. "Well that's neat."

"Is that a problem?" Mark asked.

"No." He shook his head. "It's not a problem at all."

"In addition to the State Caduceus meetings, we'll require 90 NA or AA meetings during the first 90 days." Kerry explained.

"That won't be a problem either. I'm already going to NA anyway."

"Good." Mark nodded. "That's actually very good. And the three of us will meet once a week, just to, you know, check in…make sure you're handling the stress alright."

"Ok." He nodded, pulling out a pen to sign the contract.

"The naltrexone binds to your opiate…" Kerry started to explain.

"I know what it does." He interrupted, scribbling his name on the contract. "It protects you. It will block the euphoric effects of the narcotics."

"It protects all of us, Carter." Kerry countered.

Mark pulled the pill bottle from his pocket and slid it across the table. "You need to begin this today if you want to return to work next week."

"Ok." He looked at the pill bottle and then started to put it in his jacket pocket. That's when he saw Mark filling a glass with water. "You want to watch me take it?"

"Yeah." Kerry nodded. "We'll be periodically monitoring your regimen."

"Alright." He couldn't say he was happy with this situation. This whole situation sucked. But he got himself into this situation and if it was what he had to do in order to get his job back, then he had no choice. He opened the pill bottle, took one out and washed it down with the water.

"Good." Kerry said. "So we'll put you on the schedule for next week. Tuesday. We'll start out very light. No trauma."

"Whatever you say." Carter nodded.

"See you next week, Carter." Mark said, getting up.

"Welcome back." Kerry smiled.

"Thanks." He said. After they got left the room he sighed. It was going to be difficult coming back since everyone knew where he had been. And not being able to do traumas at first was probably for the best but would be hard. But he had to remind himself that this was the path he needed to walk in order to get back to where he was before his addiction. Mark and Kerry seemed willing to give him a second chance. Hopefully everyone else would too.

"So I take it you don't want to talk about what happened earlier this morning?" Peter asked Lucy as they looked over the post-op vitals of their last surgical patient for the day.

"Why? What happened this morning?" Lucy asked with a chuckle.

"Seriously Lucy?" Peter laughed. "You want to play dumb with me right now?"

"Fine." She sighed. "I didn't know he was coming in today. It caught me off guard. That's all."

"That's understandable." He nodded.

They were quiet for a moment until Peter spoke again. "You know, he thinks you hate him."

"Really?" Lucy laughed nervously.

"Yeah. That's what he said."

Unfortunately she could never hate him. "Do we have to talk about this, Dr. Benton?"

"No." He shook his head. "I just thought maybe you needed a friendly ear."

"I'm good." Lucy lied. "But thank you. I'm going to go finish charting before I go home." As she left the room, her mind wandered to the night of the intervention after Dr. Benton left with Carter.

Lucy sat on the roof, trying her best not to cry again. She couldn't believe things had gotten this bad. She knew that Carter was still struggling to deal with the attack. He still had nightmares about it quite often. But she didn't know the depth of his sorrow or his addiction.

She should have known though. She was practically living with him at this point. How could she have been so blind? She felt like an idiot.

She also wasn't convinced that the intervention was such a good idea. She knew that an intervention was going to set him off. She was right about it setting him off. She just didn't know that he would say such harsh things.

Then there was the black eye she was starting to get. She knew it was partially to blame for getting hit. She did get in between Carter and Dr. Benton. The punch wasn't meant for her. She could see it on Carter's face that he didn't mean for it to happen. But it still hurt.

Hopefully Dr. Benton got Carter onto the plane and checked into rehab.

Even though she heard the door to the roof open and close, she didn't look behind her to see who it was. At this point it didn't matter who it was. She just wanted them to go away.

"I thought maybe you might be up here." Mark said, sitting next to her.

"I just want to be alone right now, if you don't mind." Lucy told him.

"How is your eye?"

"It hurts, but I'll live." She answered.

"Peter called a little while ago." He continued. "Carter is all settled in rehab."

"Good." She nodded, a little annoyed that he wasn't leaving yet. She was glad to know Carter was settled though.

"You know…he didn't mean what he said today."

"That's nice of you to say." She sniffled. "But I think he did."

"He was upset and lashing out." Mark explained. "That wasn't the Carter we know tonight."

"I know." She nodded.

"So none of us knew you two were together." He stated after a few minutes. "We knew you had gotten closer, but we didn't know you got that close."

"We didn't get together until after the attack." She clarified. "Are we going to be in trouble for that? Because I haven't been his student since then. And I'm now a surgical resident so technically…"

"No. Neither of you are in trouble for that." He shook his head. "I'm just saying that we know now that this will be a rough time for you as well. So if you need anything, just let us know. Do you need a couple of days off? I'm sure we could arrange something with Romano…"

"Thank you but no." Lucy nodded, looking over at him. "I think I just need to be alone right now and then I'll be fine."

"Alright." He stood up. "Hey Lucy?"

"Yeah?"

"He is going to be ok. And so will you." He told her before leaving the roof.

Lucy climbed the stairs to her apartment. It was a long day. While she appreciated Dr. Benton trying to be friendly and talk to her about Carter, she just wanted to take a bubble bath, have a glass of wine and forget about everything. Taking a look at her doorstep, she knew now that wasn't an option.

"Hey." Carter greeted, getting up from the sitting position he had been in.

"How long have you been sitting here?" She asked.

"Only about twenty minutes." He answered after checking his watch. "I was at a meeting nearby and thought since we didn't get a chance to talk earlier…maybe we could talk now."

"I don't think it's a good idea. Today has been a really long day." She told him, putting her key in the lock.

"Please?" He asked quietly.

She looked at him…really looked at him and felt her resolve weakening. All it took was a couple of moments with him and she just wanted to bury herself in his arms.

"Ok." She relented, opening the door for him to go in first. She entered behind him, throwing her bag and keys on the table by the door. "Do you want something to drink?"

"Maybe some water please."

Without saying another word, she crossed the small apartment to the kitchen. She reached up and got two glasses. Although she had her back to him, she somehow knew that he had followed her into the kitchen. She took a deep breath as she walked to the sink and filled the glasses with water. Turning around, she handed him his glass.

"Thanks." He smiled, immediately taking a drink.

"You're welcome." She nodded. "Dr. Benton was right. You are looking better."

"I'm feeling better too." He pointed out.

"Good. I'm glad." Both of them were silent. "Word going around the hospital is that you are coming back next week."

"Yeah." He nodded. "Mark and Kerry made me sign a long document outlining what I can and can't do. I understand why they have to do that, but it makes me feel like a criminal or something. They have put a lot of restrictions on what I can and can't do."

"Well I'm sure that the restrictions are for your own good as well as theirs." Lucy said. "I'm sure they don't want to throw you into the deep end too soon." They stood there silently for a few more minutes because she wasn't sure what else to say.

For the past three months she had imagined what she would say to him when he came back. She had several different scenarios imagined depending on her mood and his attitude at the time. But now that he was back, her mind felt like a bowl of jello.

"Lucy…" He started to talk but then stopped. "Damn, I really don't know how to start this."

She saw that he looked nervous and had a feeling she knew what he was going to say. "If you're going to apologize, it's ok. You don't have to."

"Yes, I do have to apologize." He assured her. "I've thought about it a lot, and talked about it a lot in rehab. I was horrible to you. I said things that are unforgivable. Hell, I even punched you, which is also unforgivable."

"You didn't mean to punch me." Lucy shrugged, moving past him to go back to the living room. "You were aiming for Dr. Benton. I just was unlucky enough to get in the way."

"Luce..." He lightly grabbed her arm to get her to stop moving away from him. "I'm so sorry."

"Like I said, it's fine." She told him, staring at her glass.

"I don't believe you when you say it is fine."

"And why is that?"

"Because you will barely even look at me and keep trying to get away from me." He pointed out.

"I don't know what you want from me, Dr. Carter." She sighed, removing her arm from his light grasp. "I really don't."

"And why am I back to being Dr. Carter?" He asked softly. "After everything we've been through, why are you being so formal again?"

She sighed. This was part of why she didn't want to talk to him right now. As much as she tried not to be, she was still angry with him. She was also angry with herself. She was hurt and she was exhausted. But getting mad at him right now wouldn't be good because the last thing she wanted to do was stress him out too much.

"What do you want from me?" She finally asked, looking at him. "I forgive you. What else is there?"

"Everything." He sighed, staring at her face for a moment. "God…I really hurt you more than I thought, didn't I?"

She sighed. "Do you want the truth?"

"Of course I do."

Apparently there was no way around having this conversation tonight. So she might as well dive right in. "You almost destroyed me. Logically I know you were lashing out because you felt like you were being ambushed. But the things you said and did really hurt me. And I have forgiven you. Truly, I have. I just can't forget it quite as easily."

"Luce…" He went over and grabbed her hands. "I'm so sorry. I know those words sound hollow, but I don't know how else to say it. I didn't mean anything that I said that night and if I could take it all back."

"But you can't." She whispered, looking at the floor.

"No." He whispered. "I can't. So where does that leave us?"

"There is no us, remember?" Lucy scoffed, pulling her hands from his grasp. "You declared our relationship officially over and broke up with me in a room of our coworkers."

"I didn't…"

"I know, I know, I know." Lucy interrupted. "You didn't mean it. But you still said it…along with other mean things. "

"I'm sorry." He hung his head down low.

"No. I'm sorry." Lucy stated, taking a good look at him. "I shouldn't be so snarky to you."

"You can be as snarky as you want!" Carter chuckled, looking at her. "I deserve it." He was quiet for a moment. "I was lying when I said I didn't care about you. The truth is that I l…"

"I'm going to stop you right there." She interrupted. It seemed like he was about to say he loved her and that was something that she simply couldn't handle right now. "I'm not sure what you want from me or what you expected to happen tonight."

"I want you back in my life, Luce." He told her plainly. "I need you back in my life."

"And what about what I need?" She asked.

"What do you need?"

"I don't know anymore." She answered honestly. "But I do know that I'm not the same person I was three months ago. I doubt you are either."

"No. I'm not." He agreed.

"So maybe we just go back to being friends." She suggested.

"Friends?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "I think being friends would be good for us right now."

She hated having to tell him she wanted to be friends because there was a part of her that wanted nothing more than to take him into the bedroom and not come out for several days. But there was no way she could handle anything like that with him right now. Truthfully, she wasn't sure he could handle it right now either since he just got out of rehab.

Being friends would be a good way for her to protect her heart as well. It would be easier if she could hate him. It would be easier if she could just move on and write him out of her life.

But the truth was that she loved him. And she loved him too much to jeopardize his recovery. The two books she read about how to deal with a loved one who is recovering from an addiction told her that the person's primary focus right out of rehab should be their recovery—not a relationship.

So she would step out of the way. And this would give her a chance to breathe and take stock of all that has happened this past year as well.

"If you want to just be friends, we can do that." Carter finally replied. "Does that mean you will stop calling me Dr. Carter?"

She couldn't help but chuckle. "Why? Does that bother you?"

"Actually it does." He smiled. "I'd prefer you call me John. But I would settle for Carter again."

John was what she started calling him in private after they began their relationship. While she wanted to call him that again, she couldn't bring herself to do it. "Ok. Carter it is."

He smiled. "You know, you probably saved my life by telling Mark and Kerry what you saw in the trauma room that day. I would be an idiot if I didn't say thank you for that."

"You don't have to thank me." She assured him, remembering the way he treated her after Mark and Kerry confronted him about the Fentanyl use.

Lucy cautiously approached Carter. He was in the suture room working on charts since Kerry and Mark told him he couldn't see any more patients today. "Can we talk for a moment? Please?"

"We don't have anything to talk about." He replied gruffly. "And I have a ton of charts I need to get through."

"Carter…I'm sorry. But I had to tell them what I saw…"

"But you were wrong!" He yelled, glaring at her. "And besides, if you thought you saw something, you should have come to me first. I thought you cared about me…"

"I do care!" She contested. "But there is something going on with you that I didn't see until now. And I'm sorry, but I told them because I care. I think you might need…"

"The only thing I need is for you to leave me the hell alone." He dismissed her. "Now."

"Can we at least talk later?" She asked quietly.

"Like I said before, we really don't have anything to discuss anymore."

She watched him turn his attention back to the charts. "Fine." She sighed, realizing she wasn't going to get anywhere with him right now.

"Of course I have to thank you." Carter insisted. "So thank you, Lucy. I didn't appreciate it then. But I definitely do now."

"I'm just glad you were able to get some help."

"I guess I should be going." Carter said. "Since I'm not back at the hospital until next week, is there any way we could maybe get some coffee or lunch sometime before then?"

"We'll see." Lucy answered, not wanting to commit to anything right now. She wasn't sure she was ready to start hanging out with him yet. But if they were truly going to try and be friends they would have to do that eventually.

"Ok. I'll call you." He said.

She walked him over to the door and opened it. "Sounds good." She watched him start to walk away. "Hey Carter?"

"Yeah?" He asked, turning to face her.

"I'm proud of you for going through the program." She gave him a small smile.

"Thanks Lucy." He smiled widely. "That means a lot to me. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." As soon as he was gone, she closed the door and let out a deep sigh. This wasn't going to be easy.